Destiny Unbound

I really have a lot on my mind today – good things, neutral things, but not so much bad things.  It seems that the way my life has been the past five years – full of extreme highs and extreme lows – I unfortunately know the depths of sadness and darkness that qualify as “bad.”  I don’t really have that ache, that heart-wrenching feeling of something horrible overcoming me.  Do I feel numbness in the parts of my heart where I should be feeling pain right now?  Maybe. 

I used to fear this – numbness.  I used to think, I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  But right now, I am enjoying this intermission from life’s painful heartaches.  I love how there is enough JOY in my life right now to stop the stinging and lessen the trauma that a knife in the back will cause.  I’m not bleeding out, instead, I have myself under control and I’ve displayed a grace that I can respect for myself.  I’m not crying out to this person that I absolutely loved and cared for tremendously (even though a lot of times I want to), because I feel given up on by them. I didn’t deserve to be left out to dry like this, and I don’t know why all of a sudden I was.  I missed the moment when we took a U-turn and started heading South.  I’m confused and feel incredibly misled, misunderstood, and disrespected.  I miss this person terribly, but I miss the feeling of being missed and adored even more.  I wanted and needed BIG LOVE, and I found it… I was promised it… I was given it… but I guess I forgot to ask how long it would last.  

At least it is numbness and not the bellowing wails and sob-soaked pillows and empty boxes of Kleenex.  It’s not teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry and Carrie & the girls.  It isn’t seeking revenge or demolition.  It isn’t insomnia, not eating, or not taking care of myself.  It isn’t the usual “what am I going to do?”
 or “who is going to love me?” or “what is wrong with me?” or “how am I ever going to get through this?”  It is none of that. 

Instead, it’s me saying… “this ain’t my first rodeo!” and bucking up and doing the things that I have learned over the years – how to have my heart broken.  And this time, I’m not doing those things that I used to do.  I’m not “coping” in an irresponsible way and I’m not letting the growing number of guys out there who don’t think I am worth it convince my own mind that I am not worth it.  Because I am. 

And I will continue to try on the shoes that catch my eye until I find that damn glass slipper.

There is a glass slipper, size 6, still out there right???? Prince Charming is still on his way with it, isn’t he?  I hope someone send him the message that the bar has been raised, the standards are a little higher now – after knowing the love life I most recently knew.

I think the reason I am not handling this huge loss from my life the way that I did a break-up three years ago (that I describe as ‘what broke me’) is because I am a stronger person for knowing this individual.  I know what is possible when two hearts that are meant to be together meet for the very first time.  Love grows wildly.  I know now that a smile isn’t in perfect teeth or soft lips but in how genuine and heartfelt it is.  I learned that life is only as hard and as serious as we make it for ourselves.  I was reminded of how to live in the moment, when to take big risks, and what kind of man I want by my side.  I was brought back to life.  I was adored, loved, and appreciated. 

And then one day, it went away.  Or it was ignored.  I don’t know if it is still there, where and with whom the heart of this person is.  Oh how I hope that if it belongs to someone else already, she knows how good and wonderful and valued that heart is.  I hope she makes his eyes sparkle like I once could, and I hope they spontaneously dance to music in the kitchen and in Wal-Mart parking lots.  I hope she inspires him the way he told me I inspired him: to be the best version of himself, to want to do good, to want to settle down, to travel, to go to music festivals and concerts, to read books,  to be closer to one another’s families, to be as happy always as we were nearly everyday.  I hope he always fights for what he believes in – and even though I feel like I was given up on, I will never be convinced that he did not believe in me and in us.  He was my biggest fan and I was his, and that’s the hardest part about not having him in my life.  The love was short, but it was so real.  I’ll never forget the way he described life when we were  together, “The world and my life are just “right” and “real” now that I know you and love you, Baily.”  I could not have agreed more.

So here I am, numb.  But full of joy, too.  Because I am proud of how far I have come.  I am glad that I knew this love and that it brought me out of the darkness and made me come to life again!  I was able to experience love in a more profound way – love worth taking risks for, love worth traveling for, love worth making special accommodations for.   But now… but now I need to experience being loved enough to fight for.  Being loved enough to hold on tighter when things seem to be slowly slipping.  I need to know what it is like to be loved unconditionally – where time and distance don’t separate you but make you grow fonder. 

I guess I didn’t know how important that was.  I didn’t know how strong time and distance are.  Or, I just thought that since what we had was so perfect, pure, free from arguments and fighting, and full of love and generosity, that the whole time and distance thing wouldn’t have as large an impact on  us.  I STILL think that, but I do think that any relationship (especially one like this) takes effort from BOTH people….

and that was exactly where the problem was.  And where the pain starts…

Peace & Love

Baily

She started the ignition and without permission,

the two of them flew down the dusty road

But the road wasn't finished and the pavement diminished,

They soared off the edge and they plunged in the sludge

She said

 "THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY ROAD, OUR DESTINY WAS BOUND,

WE WERE THE ONES FOR US, BUT NOW WE'RE IN THE GROUND."

-Destiny Unbound (Phish)