Blowin' out the light...

I blew the candle out that night, I know I did.  Right after my shower - approximately 9:30PM, I ran my fingers through my wet hair and used the droplets on my finger tips to put out the candle that filled my room with the sweet scent of warm vanilla sugar.  I looked around at the room, the new Janis Joplin poster that hung on the wall and I put away the $50 worth of Victoria Secret underwear I had bought that afternoon.  I put on my favorite sweatpants and a wife-beater that was decorated in peace signs.  I poured myself a Miller Light into a glass and sat down to watch a movie with Elena and Whitney around 10:00 

Millie snugged up close to me on my lap for a few minutes but then I could tell she wasn't comfortable, she got up and went back into my room to get some water and I was thankful that I always remembered to keep my door open for her so she could freely get water and food.  The lamp was on,  though, and I could tell it distracted Elena from the T.V. since we had movie-proofed the living room with the lights out.  Settled in for a good movie before bed... I was so exhausted from the Monday and Tuesday schooldays that were behind me by the end of that day when it was Miller time.  When Millie was done snackin' and gulpin' down the water, Elena got up and swung my door closed.

Lamp on, candle out.  Barely any of the warm vanilla sugar could be smelt and soon the terrifying smell came.  The smell that made Millie's ears perk and the hair on her back stand.  The horrifying scent that made me scream at E & Whit... "Do y'all smell THAT??"

Then all hell broke out as we learned that my room was on fire.  Millie frantically but proudly went into fire-engine dalmation mode and alerted us all and went to make sure I wasn't in my room.  We got everyone out... and the rest is all-out panic and then the humbling silence that comes with knowing you lost everything you were proud of, everything you worked so hard on, everything you hoarded and hung onto and clinged to the life of whatever vivid memory it brought, and then the wailing of your own cries when you think of that family Bible you wanted to give your family one day with marks of all the battles I've fought over the years, the sentimental victories that were recorded in devotionals and journals, the clothes, the college life, the National Championship year tickets, the records from 1969, the everything.  

But the nothing, too.  I was alive.  My best friend and soulmate-friends were alive.  Millie was alive and protective of me.  My family was there when I needed them most.  I was ok, and that made everything that went up in flames mean everything and nothing at the same exact time.

But I can't help but wonder sometimes, everytime I blow a candle out that I was anxiety-ridden about even lighting in the first place and I'm reminded of how the night went that horrible night that shaped so many other nights that followed.

But today is the last day of the hardest year of my life.  A year of new beginnings, totally and fully.  Of less lighting up of candles, just for my nerves sake but the sparking of so many inner-flames inside my soul.  I've learned to live simply, to live in dark places and reach the light, I've learned to dwell and I've learned to be re-born.  I've learned to be lost and I've learned how to be found again.  A decade that started out with losing everything - the lifestyle, my possessions, my pride, some friends, a little love, and a lot of sanity but it was a year that I was given so much as well.

Blessed tremendously.

And that's what I'm going to focus on in 2011.  The good things, and I'm leaving the bad behind me.  I know that on some days it will a feat just to be standing at the end of the day, but I aim to be on most days an accomplished and confidant, Godly woman that loves herself and is proud of my comebacks.  I'm a firm believer that setbacks are merely chances for bigger and better comebacks.  I've found a realer relationship with God and that is why it is sometimes needed, and oh so worth it, to lose the life you once knew to meet the life you're supposed to be living.

So cheers to 2011 and always being a dreamer.

peace and love

baily

Not going to lie,

it feels good to

kiss 2010 good-bye!!

-bjj