FITBF

 

 

1.   New Year's is (awesome/lame/other)    a little over-rated, but still a ton of fun when you do go extremo in celebration.  The older I get, the less cool the celebration part is and the more cool the starting over and new opportunities on the horizon type stuff becomes. 

 

2.  Last New Year's Eve I  babysat to earn money for my trip to Los Angeles/Pasadena and then met my bestie, Mandy, at the local cigar pub for a beer and a few akward run-ins with our ex-boyfriends.  Then a slumber party at her house like the good ole days.

 

3.  My New Year's resolution is  

art journal entry via me

4.  The best way to spend New Year's Eve is   with the ones you love.

5.  My prediction for an up-and-coming trend in 2011 is     hopefully not the '90s look!  As we get further along... the more "vintage" that God-awful look becomes.  I just hope that's one thing vintage we all sorta skip-over! We all want to forget the 90s right??

6.  This New Year's Eve I will   be with my family at home & loving every minute of the laid-backness.  I won't be drinking... I've given it a rest here lately.  I feel healthy & rested!  Tomorrow I'm bowl gamin' it at the Capital One Bowl - RTR!!

7.  A fresh start is  in progress.

Blowin' out the light...

I blew the candle out that night, I know I did.  Right after my shower - approximately 9:30PM, I ran my fingers through my wet hair and used the droplets on my finger tips to put out the candle that filled my room with the sweet scent of warm vanilla sugar.  I looked around at the room, the new Janis Joplin poster that hung on the wall and I put away the $50 worth of Victoria Secret underwear I had bought that afternoon.  I put on my favorite sweatpants and a wife-beater that was decorated in peace signs.  I poured myself a Miller Light into a glass and sat down to watch a movie with Elena and Whitney around 10:00 

Millie snugged up close to me on my lap for a few minutes but then I could tell she wasn't comfortable, she got up and went back into my room to get some water and I was thankful that I always remembered to keep my door open for her so she could freely get water and food.  The lamp was on,  though, and I could tell it distracted Elena from the T.V. since we had movie-proofed the living room with the lights out.  Settled in for a good movie before bed... I was so exhausted from the Monday and Tuesday schooldays that were behind me by the end of that day when it was Miller time.  When Millie was done snackin' and gulpin' down the water, Elena got up and swung my door closed.

Lamp on, candle out.  Barely any of the warm vanilla sugar could be smelt and soon the terrifying smell came.  The smell that made Millie's ears perk and the hair on her back stand.  The horrifying scent that made me scream at E & Whit... "Do y'all smell THAT??"

Then all hell broke out as we learned that my room was on fire.  Millie frantically but proudly went into fire-engine dalmation mode and alerted us all and went to make sure I wasn't in my room.  We got everyone out... and the rest is all-out panic and then the humbling silence that comes with knowing you lost everything you were proud of, everything you worked so hard on, everything you hoarded and hung onto and clinged to the life of whatever vivid memory it brought, and then the wailing of your own cries when you think of that family Bible you wanted to give your family one day with marks of all the battles I've fought over the years, the sentimental victories that were recorded in devotionals and journals, the clothes, the college life, the National Championship year tickets, the records from 1969, the everything.  

But the nothing, too.  I was alive.  My best friend and soulmate-friends were alive.  Millie was alive and protective of me.  My family was there when I needed them most.  I was ok, and that made everything that went up in flames mean everything and nothing at the same exact time.

But I can't help but wonder sometimes, everytime I blow a candle out that I was anxiety-ridden about even lighting in the first place and I'm reminded of how the night went that horrible night that shaped so many other nights that followed.

But today is the last day of the hardest year of my life.  A year of new beginnings, totally and fully.  Of less lighting up of candles, just for my nerves sake but the sparking of so many inner-flames inside my soul.  I've learned to live simply, to live in dark places and reach the light, I've learned to dwell and I've learned to be re-born.  I've learned to be lost and I've learned how to be found again.  A decade that started out with losing everything - the lifestyle, my possessions, my pride, some friends, a little love, and a lot of sanity but it was a year that I was given so much as well.

Blessed tremendously.

And that's what I'm going to focus on in 2011.  The good things, and I'm leaving the bad behind me.  I know that on some days it will a feat just to be standing at the end of the day, but I aim to be on most days an accomplished and confidant, Godly woman that loves herself and is proud of my comebacks.  I'm a firm believer that setbacks are merely chances for bigger and better comebacks.  I've found a realer relationship with God and that is why it is sometimes needed, and oh so worth it, to lose the life you once knew to meet the life you're supposed to be living.

So cheers to 2011 and always being a dreamer.

peace and love

baily

Not going to lie,

it feels good to

kiss 2010 good-bye!!

-bjj

my inner voice

You know how everyone has that inner voice?  Some of us have a more outspoken one, because of my habit of talking to myself that I mentioned earlier, but we all have a conscious... and a pre-conscious and sub-conconcious and un-conscious... but for simpler means... that damn voice that drives us crazy...

Sometimes it's truly your own voice - slightly obnoxious and telling you to go for it, or somber and 'been there, done that' sounding and telling you to refrain from whatever obnoxious behavior you were about to go for.  Sometimes it's your mother's voice - telling you to do your laundry or a pep talk telling you to never give up.  Sometimes, it's Dad - telling you the race isn't over and to keep on running, and sometimes it's Sissy - compassionate and mood settling or sarcastic and witty and full of comic relief.  Then there's the voice of your past - usually haunting, sometimes comedic.  The voice of your childhood - usually indicating that the easiest cures are found in chocolate milk, chili/slaw dogs, and rainbow snow-cones.

Damn, little Baily sure did have some brains - those things could save the world I think.
Then there's adolescent Baily who indicated the easiest remedies were long, grueling trail runs, a bike ride with Mom and Dad, and a group of hellian friends.
Damn, that Baily sounds fun... and in shape.
Then there's college Baily who can't tell you any remedy - except for wrinkly-headed/smushy-faced boxers and these 3 words: DON'T HOLD BACK.

Don't hold back.
At anything.

Especially love.

No matter how many times my inner voice replays the jokes about my dating record, I'm glad I did it. Because I know things I never would have known, and I know someone now that I probably never would have known in this way.  And as crazy as I sound, I don't care because I've been complimented on how good I look with this smile on my face, and I have finally forgiven everyone in my past.  Fully and graciously, I have forgiven all that forsaked me, and I'm refreshed. I feel like a new person that has shed the scars and snipped the tattered ends that kept me from a smoother, more linear life.  I guess you meet the right person and they hand you the bandaids and the scissors and you get to start repairing yourself. 

Except there wasn't left to be done because I dug so deep to find myself, all the while he was doing the same, and it allowed for growth and a deepening of a relationship because the hard part was over - we did that for ourselves and we have been able to learn more than the "so much" we thought we already knew about ourselves, by being together and understanding one another.

So the inner-voice to me may come in all forms and tones of voices, but the underlying message from them all is that I've done an okay job for myself, getting over all the pain that struck me like lightning at times and tipped me over like a night-time cow at others.  I'm happy, more than content, and I'm reassured that I do the right thing by carrying an open-heart in my chest and thinking with an open-mind.  I took a chance on something that a lot of people thought I was "losing it" and setting up shop in "Looneyville" once and for all. 

But I have a good heart, and a good mind, and those two things have never been more balanced than when I am with this boy.  I just know that I've been blessed by God, and He has never spoken so clearly to me until now.

Don't hold back.

Peace and Love

Baily

i don't hold back, i'm no good then,

i'd rather be good sometimes

than holding back all the time.

-janis joplin

inspiredroom

Who gets to determine where the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on the calendar, not a birthday, not a New Year. It is an event. Big or small. Something that changes us. Ideally, it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits. Old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap area a few things really worth holding on to. -Meredith Grey

inspiration: