Tear Down The House

If the past year of my life could be a song....

Like, woah.

I'm lyrically & soulfully connected to these Carolina boys.

Peace & Love

Bai

...I'm a better woman for having gone thru it.

wednesday: frame your mind

Happy Wednesday!

It's good ole "Hump Day" in the middle of the week...

I hope you are finding yourself in a 'glass half-full' mindset today and not the 'glass half-empty' kind.  I know that's an old saying but I really am aware of how much attitude, perception, and outlook can determine the actuality of circumstances.  For instance, the day that I decided my past could and should be the very thing that fuels the fire that will blaze my future trails, I almost instantaneously began making strides toward a healthier lifestyle.  My attitude cleared the way and my mindset has kept me along this safer path.

I think of my mindsets that I have had over the past five years and it is clear to me that the happier times, the times I felt the most loved & included, along with feeling good about myself were the phases in my life when I had a positive attitude about life in general. 

It wasn't that life had neccessarily stopped throwing curveballs at me during those times - because life never stops throwing them, but it was the mental fitness I had that helped me determine whether to swing, let it pass me by, or catch it and throw it right back at wherever it came from.  Just like being up to bat.  It's all about the mental aspect at that point.

When Dad was sick with cancer, I studied his mind and body mastery.  His attitude triumphed over his circumstance.  My father was (and is) heroic in the way he showed me that attitude always wins. He showed me that bad circumstances need really really good attitudes in order to be handled best. He taught me that good circumstances need humble attitudes and grateful attitudes in order to be blessings and not self-destructive distractions.  Like all things in life, this too, must find balance. 

I was always a believer growing up, but it wasn't until the dreadful diagnosis of stage IV non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that I found the personal relationship with the Lord.  I was learning at a very young age that life was a series of tests except it wasn't like school where you get taught the lesson and then are tested on it.  In life, you are tested, and then you learn the lesson.  This is sometimes a frustrating concept to grasp, but I know now that it was preparation for my future. 

Since that day in February 1999, my Savior has continued to rescue me, keep me afloat, and get me safely back to shore.  I trust my Lord that He will not give me more than I can handle, at at times, I have wondered why He has such great faith in me because He sure does work in mysterious ways with me, but the main thing I can be grateful for is that I learned the kinds of things you just need to throw back and not lug around with you throughout your whole life.

Like a dark past.

Like a big mistake.

Like a group of people who go out of their way to hurt you.

Like friends who didn't care enough to get to know the real me.

Like the ghosts of boyfriends' past.

Like the silly stuff that doesn't matter.

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

peace and love

~bjj~

Read this blog post from April 13th last year >>> click here.

I wrote about my personal testimony and how my preparation for the big lessons in life were learned throughout my Daddy's twelve years as a "cancer patient"...

Only hours later did the irony of that blog post really hit home.  Literally, hit home.

Later that night, I lost everything in a house fire.  God was listening to me as I shared my testimony to the blog world and He gave me my next big lesson because I plain out asked for it. I needed direction, and he gave it to me admist chaos, smoke, and flame.  I've found my direction - to follow Christ and have that intimate personal relationship with Him and not wander on my own like I did for so long.

I've learned, and I'm ready.

Lord, have your way with me.

Things I need to get out there...

Today is one of those days where I can't figure out what is going on inside of my head.
I have so many things that tug my thoughts in different directions.  I have burdens, desires, confusion, and a tiny place of serenity that I can sometimes calm my thoughts down to. 
But usually... my mind would look like this if it could express itself...

So I'm sorry that I have not been very regular in the blogging department.  Lots on my mind.  And don't even get my started on all the different tugs at my heart.  Which way to turn?  Hell if I know... I guess that's what I am trying to figure out while I've been a sketchy blogger friend.

I'm a little bit lonely - but I know that I am surrounded by good friends and a loving family.  But being lonely isn't being alone.  I've always known that I am not alone, but me and the feeling of lonely have become quite acquainted.  Even when I masked my loneliness with a boyfriend or special friend - I wish I would have just been honest all along and realized that it is something I am struggling with on a personal level and it was a void in my heart that no boyfriend or special friend could fill for me.  Maybe that's why I am mad at myself some days.  Because some days I think that if I would have taken the time to figure out this "voided" area in my heart I would have saved myself and others some of the pain and heartache.  But I can't go back.  I need to learn that - I can NOT go back. 

Uggghhh.... but I am struggling with so much disgust for the people that actually made me happy, safe, secure... but then just bolted when things got hard or when things (and people... especially people in his case) tried to interfere and dictate our relationship.  Why couldn't those guys just stick out the hard times?  Why'd they lie and say they understood what I was going through and they'd be there for me through it all?  Why didn't he just see that he was happiest when he wasn't letting his family control him, but he was living out his free-spiritedness with me?  There are SO MANY things that I will not understand.

I want to be free of this person, because he allowed people to throw me out and slander my name into the ground until he started to believe them.  It's not fair, I was a good person, full of the "big love" that he wanted, but he just walked out.  (And now dates a 19 year old with the most disgusting use of language on her FB wall that I couldn't even bear to look at it anymore.)

So that's been on my mind!!! Why a family thought so low of me but welcome, with open arms, a girl with such a lack of class that she uses c-words and f-words all over the place like it's normal lingo.  It bothers me and it eats me up.

BUT, I have been able to free myself of some of the burdens that his "vanishing act" laid on me.  I rid myself the "friendships" with some of the people that I thought were like family to me.  They didn't stick up for me, they threw me under the bus, and they have shown their true colors.  But at the same time, other family-friends have told me that I am a better person for not having to deal with the b.s. that these people threw at me and even though I experienced a love on a different level with this special person - I can be stronger for it, but I am even stronger by not being around the people that never gave me a chance, chose to make up their own impression of me, and tried to bring me down - constantly.

That's just ONE thing that has been on my mind.  And I said there were several so please excuse my "funk" I've been in lately as I try to sort out my life again.  It seems like everything had gotten clear, organized, and peaceful and then disruption occurred and things went extremely chaotic in my confused little brain. 

Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I am already feeling more empowered because of it.

peace & love

baily

Prayer Requests

I loved STATUS!!! I will be going back with Savannah next week, for sure!

So fun; and I left with more affirmation about the tug on my heart.

It's funny - because for most of the 25 minute ride to the worship service tonight, Sav and

I talked about signs, prayer, purpose, and direction.  We had one of those very mature and humbling talks that you know you can only have with people who share the same compassion, faith, and belief that you do.  I told her about the tugging on my heart that I have been experiencing.  The tug that has made this transition phase of moving back home and rebuilding my bridge over troubled waters that much easier and understandable. 

This Fall, God planted a seed in me that seemed to have been harvesting in my heart for a long while.  As I struggled with some areas of my life this year and received some wicked curveballs along the way, I continued to find refuge in serving others and feeling the need to share my story, my faith, and my skills with people who willl gain something positive from me doing so.  I've been reverant in my prayer for continued direction in where my heart is.

Even though my heart still seeks direction and guidance in some aspects, other areas of my life have matured tremendously in finding passion and purpose.  Serving others.

It wasn't weird that the message tonight was on being a doer and not just a hearer.  In being active according to God's will.  To say "yes, Lord" when he calls us to do something.  To be just as reverant to those 'signs' as we are in our daily prayer.  My spiritual life is where it has needed to be for a long time.  I know I am becoming the woman that I was created to be and I am humble in handing my life and my heart back over to Him. 

I ask for prayer for further guidance and direction in this area of my life. 

As my mom so lovingly put it tonight, "God is opening up some doors in your life for something amazing."  I know that she is right, and I thank Him for her and all the other many awesome blessings He has given me.

What are your prayer requests?

Comment below so I can be praying for you!

peace and love

b a i l y

c h a n g e

Every once in a while we find ourselves a little lost.  Sometimes we lose faith, we lose someone we love, or we misread our directions in life.  We make wrong turns, we take bad advice, and we go against our better judgement.  When these things happen, we experience the realness of life.  These experiences make us realize that dreams are merely dreams if we don't face the reality of what it takes to make them come true.  Once again, I find myself at this point.

After a number of 'wrong turns' and a list of bad decisions, I find myself a victim of my own mistakes. 

Being a victim of your own mistakes is the worst of all - because, after all, you play the role of both perpetrator and the one being victimized.  When someone hurts us, we are angry at them, want revenge on them, or want nothing to do with them at all.  But when you hurt yourself, what do you do?  Do you dwell in self-pity? Are you supposed to lash out at yourself?  You can't avoid this person that harmed you because it's you.  Therefore, it comes down to your only two options:  continue to make the same mistakes OR, simply change. 

I have decided to choose the latter option.  I'm going to change.

Except this time, it is not a "cold turkey" change.  It isn't something that I decided to do one day out of the blue.  I have been changing.  The inner-most depths of my heart and soul have endured heartache and pain and learned lessons the hard way.  Therefore, I can take what I learned from my past darkest hours and use it to shine some light on the gloom that creeps around me.  As for the people I have hurt along the way, I am sorry.  I can only hope that the ones who know me best know that I want to do whatever it takes to make it better, no matter how long that may take.  I find glimpses of joy in knowing that I am prayed for, supported, worried for, concerned for, cared for, and most of all - loved. 

I have a strong & loving family, a supportive boyfriend who loves me as well, and a multitude of well-wishing friends.  I am surrounded by love, which brings me peace as well as happiness.  I have past mistakes that serve as a reminder that no matter how tough life may get, it goes on.  I have a certain amount of jadedness that edged me and shaped me into knowing that it isn't about how many times you fall down in life as long as you get back up.  There is an understanding inside of me that knows that suffering is a part of life, but enough knowledge in me, too, that assures me that there are plenty of things to rejoice in at the same time.  I have faith in a Lord that never leaves me, provides for me, and gives me a fortress and refuge.  I have a book that is filled with the truth and is a lamp unto my feet.  I have love, guidance, and new direction in so many ways.

That is why I know that it doesn't end here.  As a victim of my own mistakes, I am in control of fixing those mistakes.  I have a choice to hate myself or love myself or abandon myself.  The love vs. hate - this I struggle with but I always come to the conclusion that I will find a way to love myself no matter what.  That was one of the lessons learned the hard way - if I love myself, others will love me as well.  If I hate me, hate will linger and ruin much more than just the soul that dwells inside of me.  If I abandon myself, I will waste the ambition, perserverance, and self-actualization that is still a part of me.  Although darkened by shadows of my past mistakes, those things are still very much there and are the sails that will carry me back out to sea when my ship is repaired.

So, as I prepared to be worked on - nurtured, loved, supported, and cared for by the family and friends I mentioned above, I just want to say thank you for those that love me despite my self-circumstance.  We all live in this world together but experience LiFe in such different ways... even though I expect very few people or no one at all to understand me and this transition I find myself in, I still hope that I am allowed to prove myself again and regain the respect and admiration that I once had of so many people.  I've let some people down - mostly that strong and loving family I hold so dearly, but I am confidant in this very moment because of the confidance they continue to instill in me - even in my darkest hour.

Great distances are covered one step at a time. -Anonymous

Thank you to those that support me and love me.  And for those that don't, I understand your disappointment.  I have disappointed myself but have also made myself proud by doing what is best for me at this particular point in life.  I hope I can gain the chance to overcome these disappointments - this is my very prayer. 

After all, it is a winding road when you're in the lost and found. Even more, I'm turning around and changing my life.  I will never give up.

Peace and Love

Glory to God

b a i l y

why i love this blog

I write to discover what I think.

-Joan Didion

I do have to stop every once in a while and give a little thanks to this blog for helping me through some rain storms.  Over the past year, I sort of devoted a part of myself to this whole self-discovery and self-actualization whirlwind I found myself in.  One of the smartest decisions I have ever made was to commit myself to finding out just what it was that God was trying to tell me.

Some of those things have been little decisions, but in the end I realize that the little waves here and there are what carry you to a safe shore.  The waves can sometimes resemble the movie The Perfect Storm and I have had my fair share of those this year, but it's the combination of big and little waves that either tear you up or push you to closer to a lighthouse.  With each swell that entered my life in the past year, there is no way I could have survived some of them without the help I get from writing.  I've always been a writer and I have come to find out that it is one of those things that stays with you.  Just like running.  Do I hit the trails for 7-9 mile runs on Monday nights like I did with my cross-country team back in the day? No.  But do I see the world through a runner's philosophy... and go on a trail here and there just to smell the woods and reach that 'high'... yes.  Just like that, I view the world through a writer's eyes.  I look for things to write about, I snap a photo with a blog-idea in mind, and I talk exactly how I write.  It's a style, and I hope more times than not I pull it off with a little grace, as well. 

But in a blogger-world, we are FREE to say whatever the heck we want.  It's a column, where opinions and biased sways are allowed.  Trust me, when I was a newspaper reporter for the Lions Tale in high school, they made sure my opinionated little brat-ass was a columnist - and STILL double-checked the edits in my column-box because I could be known to be a real spitfire when it came to speaking my mind.  (Remember, the cheerleaders hated me for a while for writing a column about them being athletes, but that cheerleading is not a sport.  Again, I hold my argument on this subject with that same claim.) But here in Blogville, this entire page is mine to behold.  I can make it look the way I want and I can paint it with the words I want to say.  I'm sorry if that has ever offended anyone, but feel free to quit reading whenever you want.

So, some may wonder why I air my clean and dirty laundry on this blog.  Here is you answer: it helps me.  It has guided me through a time in my life that I needed a canvas to paint and become me.  I have to type things out sometimes to organize my thoughts and to be honest, sometimes I would MUCH RATHER be writing in my journals as opposed to this Hewlett-Packard laptop.  But, I watched so many thoughts - ideas - words - and lists - go up in flames and are never to be read again.  On one hand, I have found it to be a blessing that some of those journal entries will never be read again, but on the other hand I cannot help but miss them.  In the grand scheme, though, I have to be ever grateful for this blog because it recorded so many thoughts of mine that weren't destroyed in the fire.  Out in that great, big world wide web that we have all come to know and love so well were my words, thoughts, and photos just waiting for me to continue on and keep putting out there. 

You see, being a writer of this blog means more to me than just voicing my every thought.  This blog was a part of me before I lost a lot of me, there for a while.  The past 7 months have been wonderously emotional for me, and I have dug, scratched, and scraped to find the "real me" under all the outward expression.  If it weren't for the help of this blog... being there to remind me who I was before my world went upside down, and for continuing to be here for me to splash with all sorts of my colors and emotions, I just wouldn't be who I am. 

I guess I truly am a writer.  But even better, I've become a teacher for myself and hopefully to others.  For that, I can be happy.

peace and love

baily

It was so important for me to lose everything, because I found out what the most important thing is, which is to stay true to yourself.

-Ellen DeGeneres

quote>inspiration>blog

So if you know me, then you are probably my friend on Facebook.  If you really know me, then I have probably let you peep through one of my journals a time or two (except not the juicy stuff, duh).  And if you've been reading my blog, then you've seen me go quote-crazy a time or two.  My Facebook friends see me go quote crazy once a day - usually, and sometimes - even 2 or 3 times a day.  My tweets are often quote-based and my journals are often just a mess of doodled quotes here and there.  I guess that's who I am - a jumbled mess of ideas and words that I wish I could write as well as the person I've quoted.  But nonetheless, that point I was trying to make right there is that I like love quotes.

In school, I've put together a couple of pretty neat projects that were based around quotes even.  I am pretty sure that the wonderful housekeeping ladies @ the Fairfield Inn this summer think I am a hoarder of plastic bins... (that is a special thanks to my Daddy)... and also a hoarder of little scraplets of paper and die-cuts that have meaningful quotes written across them.  Haha, they were totally everywhere - c'mon, I was going through the roughest time in my entire life and so I tended to scribble an inspiring note here and there with high hopes of having just that - high hopes! (And of course I left out any organizational skills that my storage bin loving Dad possibly handed down to me) So when I blew the giant meat-freezer of an air-conditioner that the hotel provides, my little scraps of faith, hope, and love would just go everywhere - absolutely nuts-like... but my gals always had my back and would re-organize them for me on my desk.  Only to be blown away when I got up from the first fire nightmare.  But anyway, I was thinking today (rainy day... the norm for this time of year in Alabama) and thought about how I needed to send down and write and let out some energy that I've needed to exert - and what greater way but to wRiTe!!! None.

But I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about.  Something more than just catching up on what I've been doing.  I needed something a little bit more inspiring than that... just to clear some clouds or smoke or whatever from my head.  So, since I couldn't figure out what to write about I decided I would wait for a good quote to catch my eye and of course that always cures the dreaded writer's block disease.  OF COURSE > a few quotes caught my eye and got me on a little inspirational high... but, in the end, it all comes down to one right? ;)  Well my quote of inspiration for me, myself, and I for today was this (and I hope it maybe inspires whoever else is reading this as well...)

"if there is to be any  p.e.a.c.e  it is to come through b.e.i.n.g and not h.a.v.i.n.g." -henry miller

After what I have been through, there isn't much that I can say to sum it up any better than that.  I have been SO blessed and SO fortunate to  h.a.v.e  all of the things that I do, just 7 months after losing mostly EVERYTHING.  There comes a time in everyone's life, I have come to believe, that you have to get down to the heart of things.  Not just on the surface level, the real level... deep deep down in there.  The soul-wrenching feeling stuff. 

If you are one of the ones that know me, then I'm sure you may have thought that enough had happened to me (the hard way of course) before 7 months ago, and felt the loss with me of all the "things" that seemed to precious to me back then.  Or, if you know me, then maybe you think that I'm a tough little survivor child and I would muster up that inner-strength that I've always been able to show in times of trouble.  If you didn't know me, then you got to read about my journey via this blog that I've seemed to have abandoned here lately.  But either way, you have probably witnessed my passions in one way or another.

-the want to help people
-the need to find the meaning in everything that happens (good and bad)
-the desire to not only find, but also create and keep re-creating, myself
-the love for God, family, and friends
-children
-sports
-new experiences and travel

In basic-mode, those are them - my passions!  Tell me if I am incorrect, but I didn't list a single 'tHiNg' in that list of burning passions I have!  Just meaning, philanthropy, love, children, sports, travel, and creating myself... makes it easier to see, now, why I've been able to handle the brutal amounts of 'stuff' that was lost in that fire. 

But not only did I feel like I lost a lifetime of belongings, I also felt like I lost some success, some hardwork, a couple pieces of my heart, a few tokens from Memory Lane, and a large amount of sanity and peace of mind.  To be brutally honest (and pardon my French) but this summer - I was batshit crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! Spinning out of control and barely keeping my head above water. 

Then I got some of my life back together, I let time do it's thing and move me forward, and I found a peace of mind in myself and in love.  So today when I saw that quote, If there is to be any peace it is to come through being and not having , I truly let it speak to me and ease my mind.  I let the rainy day put me in a tranquil state and I sat down, alone in a room, and I let it remind me of everything I have to be grateful for.  I let it remind me of my passions and how BEING a lover of life and BEING myself is much better than HAVING all of these things to call "mine, mine, mine." 

So, if you were hoping that I would chill it with the quotes on the 'book, my blog, and the tweet-tweets... you are S.O.L. (I'm working on my potty mouth due to my pregnant friend and future job with children... but I'm still Baily).  Everyone needs a good quote once and a while, so if it annoys you I don't care... I get more messages in my FB inbox saying the contrary, so pipe it!

I'm piping it now!

Peace and Love

b a i l y

be as you are

new friends and old friends

When I advocate myself as a peace and love lady, I don't mean to insinuate that I'm a lost soul way over on the left side.  I think world peace would be a pretty awesome thing obviously, but I carry a realistic state of mind for the most part and know that it has unfortunately turned into something that is just a euphoria for all the dreamers and peace wishers out there.  So I guess my generation advocates the ideas of peace and love more in the peace of mind kind of way and the love your neighbor and love your life ways. 
The tricky part to it all is the peace part.  Always has been, always will be... even in the peace of mind way.

Because the love part is all up to you and to your own heart and your own burning passion. Whereas, peace of mind, has to do with a combination of things: a unity and a harmony of all different sorts that come together to create that eye of the storm, the safe haven in the middle of life.  Our own peace of mind.

When you are given a new peace of mind, from what I've come to find out at least, you can feel it and it's a whole experience in itself.  I got that last night.

I experienced a new peace of mind.  A worry was stripped from me, a friend was made and another friend regained.  I feel an abundant happiness from the way things turned out with a very special friend and a lovely gal who is not only appreciated by me for being so 'real' and so 'genuine' but for being a big person and inspiring me to aim for the same gracefulness in other situations.

I guess since I've blogged about it enough over the past six months, I can say that I was pretty upset and broken-hearted over the drying up of a really groovy friendship.  That certain friend who threw me the life preserver when I was sinking ship.  The one who made me love myself and see that I'm capable of living a pretty kickass and extraordinary life and, to be honest, this certain best guy friend finally had to put it brutally honest to me: if you want to be miserable, be miserable... but if you want life to love you back you gotta love life Baily Jones."  It's one of those lines you just don't forget because he was exactly right.  He's always been a passionate life-liver and that's an inspiring characteristic that pulls other creative-souled people in like a magnet because it's an energy we all crave for the adventurous life.  So it didn't surprise me that I found a lot of things we have in common when I had the opportunity to get to know his leading lady, here recently. 

The most awesome part about this newfound harmony amongst old and new friends is just that.  Sometimes you just have to keep digging to find the answer for the reasons things were the way they were.  I wanted to know, for so long, why I had found this friendship so dried up when it once splashed with all things BFF. haha. But, I forgave and tried to understand even though the absence was paralyzing some of those days this summer when life got hardest for me.  I continued to do what I thought was right and each night I would hope for new signs of friendship tomorrow.  Eventually, all the pieces fell into place.  Once I learned the lessons, forgave myself for wrestling with negativity and emotions and empty apathy, and after I did my own part in creating a peace of mind for myself.  After I took care of those things, life just seemed to - well, love me back!

I'm excited about my new peace of mind.  I think this 'phase' I got through was something that I needed to go through.  I've learned a lot about friendship this summer and Fall.  I've learned my heart and kept my mind positive and for that I do believe my mind and my heart are now in harmony with one another.  And for extra good sleep at night, I can finally say that I feel pretty unified and harmonous with two people that mean a lot to me already - one old and one new. 

So thanks, friends.  Things like this might not be life or death or the reason we are all standing at the end of the day - but it gives us a reason to dance, for sure. They are our bridges over troubled water. And, it's one small battle that's been given some world peace and one busy little neurotic mind that was given a few doses of peace as well.  And as always, there's mad friend-love from me to y'all.

peace and love

baily

keep truckin

You know that feeling of goodness that comes over you when something goes right?
In general, it's that pat-yourself-on-the-back kind of thing that is worthy of a little self-righteous praise.  I've been experiencing that a little bit lately in the relationship and friends departments - I sign of upwad growth compared to some of the turmoil these past six months.

I got to spend a lot of time this weekend talking to girlfriends.  Some I had just met and instantly hit it off with and some that have been deepened by phases of closeness over the years.  But at the end of the day, we're all women - we fill our tanks up with faith, hope, and love and then we drive full-throttle on this self-actualization journey until we find our tank is a little low.  Then it's time to turn to those sources of fuel, our friends and fellow females that fill us back up and get us back on that road to tracking down our destinies.  It sounds cliche, but then again - I have recently begun to buy into some of these ol' cliches.

It felt good talking to this group of girlfriends this weekend not because I have found myself - yet again - with my gaslight on and my engine stalling - but even better, I was able to be a positive mentor and be a listener.  The very best part about it was that I was appreciated for being so and I wasn't wasting my words on people who were letting it go in one ear and out the other. 

My eyes fill up with big raindrop tears and am humbled when people are real and genuine with me and give me that pat on my back for digging so deep into each situation - whether tragedy or blessing - and turning them all into even bigger blessings.  I guess I just didn't know, until recently, that I have been a living testimony to some people.  I don't know if it's a tug on my heart from the Lord to spend some time serving others or if it's just one of those highs on the goodness of life.  But I've revealed a lot to myself lately, and if it feels this good, now, then there is no way that I am calling it quits or slowing down anytime soon.

My theme in life is passion and I know I have gone on and on about passion on this blog for the entirety of it's existence, but like I said - not quitting. 

With every pat on the back I receive from my own sense of self-worth or from God or from friends and family, just refuels me and keeps me full-throttle on this road to my destination.  And here lately, I have made some very groovy and boldly colorful friends and have met a beautiful-souled boy who has sparked that inner-fire that had seemed to burn out with the flames in April.  A new flame, for pun's sake.

I'm glad I can use my life as an example to people, those wonderful  girlfriends, who found themselves a little lost and off-course and in need of refueling.  The one thing I can say with all certainty is that with a full tank of faith, hope, and love anything is possible. 

And the things you will discover when you keep yourself filled with those things, is hard to describe but the scenery only gets better the further you journey on and eventually we all either learn to love the open road by ourselves or we find that person who wants to help us drive and make the ride all the more worthwhile.  Then the less scenic parts of the trip don't seem so bad.   And with faith, you'll be able to keep on going with affirmation that there will be prettier days ahead.

peace and love

baily

you have never taken a solitary road trip across a part of this country? i mean, everybody's got to take a road trip at least once in their lives.  just you and some music.

-elizabethtown



my inner voice

You know how everyone has that inner voice?  Some of us have a more outspoken one, because of my habit of talking to myself that I mentioned earlier, but we all have a conscious... and a pre-conscious and sub-conconcious and un-conscious... but for simpler means... that damn voice that drives us crazy...

Sometimes it's truly your own voice - slightly obnoxious and telling you to go for it, or somber and 'been there, done that' sounding and telling you to refrain from whatever obnoxious behavior you were about to go for.  Sometimes it's your mother's voice - telling you to do your laundry or a pep talk telling you to never give up.  Sometimes, it's Dad - telling you the race isn't over and to keep on running, and sometimes it's Sissy - compassionate and mood settling or sarcastic and witty and full of comic relief.  Then there's the voice of your past - usually haunting, sometimes comedic.  The voice of your childhood - usually indicating that the easiest cures are found in chocolate milk, chili/slaw dogs, and rainbow snow-cones.

Damn, little Baily sure did have some brains - those things could save the world I think.
Then there's adolescent Baily who indicated the easiest remedies were long, grueling trail runs, a bike ride with Mom and Dad, and a group of hellian friends.
Damn, that Baily sounds fun... and in shape.
Then there's college Baily who can't tell you any remedy - except for wrinkly-headed/smushy-faced boxers and these 3 words: DON'T HOLD BACK.

Don't hold back.
At anything.

Especially love.

No matter how many times my inner voice replays the jokes about my dating record, I'm glad I did it. Because I know things I never would have known, and I know someone now that I probably never would have known in this way.  And as crazy as I sound, I don't care because I've been complimented on how good I look with this smile on my face, and I have finally forgiven everyone in my past.  Fully and graciously, I have forgiven all that forsaked me, and I'm refreshed. I feel like a new person that has shed the scars and snipped the tattered ends that kept me from a smoother, more linear life.  I guess you meet the right person and they hand you the bandaids and the scissors and you get to start repairing yourself. 

Except there wasn't left to be done because I dug so deep to find myself, all the while he was doing the same, and it allowed for growth and a deepening of a relationship because the hard part was over - we did that for ourselves and we have been able to learn more than the "so much" we thought we already knew about ourselves, by being together and understanding one another.

So the inner-voice to me may come in all forms and tones of voices, but the underlying message from them all is that I've done an okay job for myself, getting over all the pain that struck me like lightning at times and tipped me over like a night-time cow at others.  I'm happy, more than content, and I'm reassured that I do the right thing by carrying an open-heart in my chest and thinking with an open-mind.  I took a chance on something that a lot of people thought I was "losing it" and setting up shop in "Looneyville" once and for all. 

But I have a good heart, and a good mind, and those two things have never been more balanced than when I am with this boy.  I just know that I've been blessed by God, and He has never spoken so clearly to me until now.

Don't hold back.

Peace and Love

Baily

i don't hold back, i'm no good then,

i'd rather be good sometimes

than holding back all the time.

-janis joplin

mi vida, en realidad (my life, actually)

I have not been a very active blogger lately and I am completely aware of it.  Sometimes things get busy or the stars align in other ways and we are too busy living and experiencing and we have to wait until things slow down in order to update the blog and all.  That's very much what has been going on with me.  Between schoolwork and entertaining a suprise guest, I just not have found a sweet little window of time to get some things off of my chest.

In time's past, when I say I have to unload the thoughts and burdens that are bothersome, it has come out in an unorganized mess that is usually an honest depiction of the process in which most my thinking occurs.  Anywho, I have a lot on my mind to say the least: some makes me happy, some makes me sad, and some have not been figured out entirely so I'm not exactly sure what sort of affect they will have on me.  

For starters, school is going well.  I have to admit that it is sometimes aggravating having to live in what is remnants of the fire and doing the things and sort of assignments I was doing before they were items to be added to my insurance claims check. But, Forrest Gump said it best... shit happens.

Speaking of FG, I watched that movie recently.  Actually, I watched all 3 of my favorite movies this week.  Almost Famous, Forrest Gump, and (500) Days of Summer.  Wow.  I couldn't tell you the last time I watched 3 DVDs in one week.  I know I have, because I have always been a movie girl and my sister was the television show gal.  But 3 in one week?  That happened NEVER when my world was the twilight zone.  Thank goodness for having that little luxury back in my life.  And where I thought Mr. Clay was going to be my music-man, he's turned out to be a pretty groovy movie watcher, too.  I have truly missed that for a while now, and it's good to have that back!

Something that has me flustered is that, to put it simply, Dancing With The Stars is absolutely awful this year. Please give me some lovelies to look at like Erin and Pamela if the dances are going to be just as sub-par to last season as the line-up is, but compared to Michael Bolton and The Situation, I would rather watch Jake Pavelka prancing around like a pansie again.  Or, maybe not.  I do like that Sarah Palin is in the stands and that Levi Johnston is banned from the audience.  And even though I was like the very last person of people my age to jump aboard the Jersey Shore boat, and despite the grossed-out near-nausea affect that The Situ & his boys have on me, I'm with my Sissy - I am in love with Snooki.  She cracks me up... and WHO cannot LoVe the fact that she called out our Pop-star Pres on the taxing of tanning beds.  Maybe it's that or maybe it's when she goes into an all-out fit fest she reminds me I'm not the only crazy bia-bia about there. Ha, jk. Maybe.

Oh yeah, speaking of fancy-prance Jake, did I ever let y'all know that I switched to "Team Vienna" after the spectacle he made of himself when he showed us what a d-word he was?  Yes, my ex-boyfriend in high school may or may not have had his transgressions with her... but we all can change... but none of us gals deserve to be treated like that.  "Undermine me?"  Sadly, the term was used with me.  Saddest part, after Jake had already used it and it be viewed by said person accusing me of the underminement. (Is that a word?? I do not know.)

And lastly, what do you do when you can't find the words to say to somebody?  There are two people that I don't know what to say.  One, I want to say goodbye to and leave the friendship that he left behind, but I want to do it with a little bit more grace than he did.  Maybe the reason there are no words is because he doesn't deserve another try and he doesn't deserve my friendship that fuels the need to say what I feel anyway.  So maybe I will just stay silent about that.  Still, I hope he never treats someone the way he has treated me.  But at the same exact time, I hope he can be a lighthouse to another life and safely guide lost ships to shore.  That's what he was for me.  He listened to me but made me hear the music of my own uniquness and that's what gave me the bubbly life of Baily back and what has kept me dancing throughout even the saddest of songs.  But I guess he doesn't neccessarily have to be amongst the ones dancing with me.  'Tis a shame, I would have been a good friend to him and he's chosen to not only have no desire for it, but has no desire to display any decency in listening to what I have to say or to know the new me.  The one that had to roll with the punches and adapt to some major friggin' changes in life.  Some HUGE ones.  Like, Ms. Gump said 'You have to put the past behind you in order to move on' and she's never been more right in her life.  Well, other than the other uber-brilliant lines she is quoted in that extra-uber-brilliant film.  But of course I've changed, better yet - I've improved, and I think that my Faith is what has me to continue on praying for him and the absolutely unneeded dramatic situation, and above all, a life full of happiness - even though most people think I'm batshit crazy for still caring about him.  I guess, once a Bobby McGee always a Bobby McGee.  But like most songs, interpret it as you will
The other, just sort of leaves me speechless for all the POSITIVE reasons.  Just the little things in life that are noticed and put into action without structured planning of so... the laughter that I would have NEVER known was missing until I realized I truly had it back... the ability to be oneself around someone unfamiliar yet more familiar and real than you can even describe, the affirmation that everything happens for a reason, and how pretty the glow of a candle can be after all, and the simplicity of knowing that fire can, in fact, be enjoyed when it's lighting the scene for reheated leftovers with someone special enough to WANT to know me, the REAL me.  And what really leaves me speechless... I've never been so honest about myself with someone in my entire life.  I surprise myself at the things I will tell him.  But they are safe - those secrets are. And any signs of jadedness on my heart are not from him, but he respects them.  I'll be able to put it in an understandable statement one day I reckon.  'Til then, I'll live my days with the appreciation for the people who not only want to build a friendship and relationship with me but they are willing to do it with a leap of faith.  While others, they turn their back on a true intent to be friends with not only him but the people he values with love, including the obviously highly thought of girlfriend of his.  I guess I was a part of a completely different friendship and I guess no matter what I do, or say, people will think of me the way THEY WANT TO think of me. 

And then others, think of me as - to put it simply - worth it.

Oh yeah, to get you caught up to speed with other ramblings: I have a renewed zest for learning Spanish again, I am DYING to get my hands on a personal project and turn it into something that makes a BIG DIFFERENCE for a charitable organization that I am PASSIONATE about, and I can't wait to see my family and get THE MILLIE GIRL back tomorrow.  .  . yes, be prepared for a Momma who has missed 'The Pig' and who will ALSO be getting her digi-cam back and you know what happened last time, don't you? When Mildred and I were reunited post-fire, and the digi-cam was replaced the first go-round (before the Target idiot broke the brand new thing), I ended up taking boo-koos of pictures. 

But it's not like she makes it hard to 'oOoH' and 'aAaAh' over, let's be for serious now...

peace and love

baily

and there's nothing wrong with the way that she moves;

or scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues

what a perf song chico

this one moved me

Damn, I don't know.  I don't dwell on it much.

I did wonder, but I'll never know why it happened.

The impulse is to use reason to understand something

that lives beyond reason.  It's the lunatic fringe.

You have to keep your eyes open but you cannot live

your life in fear.  In hindsight, it feels like one of those life

lessons, that good things come of even the worst you can imagine. 

It was a strange time, to say the least. 

The fire.

It was obvious that, eventually, I'd need to stop and create a new

place to call home.  I just had no sense for what was to come next. 

No master plan. 

As it happened, I was thrown into one of the most artistically fulfilling,

one of the lightest in spirit, and certainly one of the most unexpected 

periods in my life.  Here I was, someone who'd lost everything I owned. 

I remember the fire, really well. 

I can still see the trucks arriving and the hose blasting water on my house.

And I didn't even have shoes to wear. 

A moment like that is not one when

you're thinking, "Soon I'll enter into one of the most magical times in my life."

And then wonderfully, that's just what happened. 

IT IS WORTH REMEMBERING THAT IT CAN WORK THAT WAY.

-Tom Petty

 doing his best to explain the unexplainable

When one door closes another opens, in all of life.

The life that I knew, the one with reason and simple sense...

well, it burnt down with my room.

Now, I have this life that opened it's door to me and has supplied me with

new meaning

new ideas

new thoughts

and he put it pretty honestly when he said this period of new beginnings is magical

and beyond reason and of wonder.  It truly is.

P&L

baily

 

good riddance

As a lot of the harder events in life do, the fire really taught me who my true friends are.  I know I probably sound like a horribly scratched vinyl when I say that, but it is getting to the point where my entire record album of friendships is one of those that you just have to stop spinning, stop trying to clean it up, and stop trying to rub out the scratches.  Sometimes, we are just scratching it up even more and are going nowhere fast.  Other times, the needle of the record player gets damaged... that sensitive, little, tiniest part of the whole record player is the needing and that is the feeling that makes the music come out of the record player.  It touches down on the vinyl, it glides around and around taking each scratch like a blunt force to the heart and the sound is not anywhere close to the delight of a vinyl like Shakedown Street.  It ruins the whole jam.  Then the crackling noise of the scratches is painful to everyone listening. 

Sometimes it's not just the breakups and makeups that tear our heart apart or put it back together.  Friendships are usually the core of any little socialite's being.  Of course my family is my backbone.  My mom, dad, and sister are each individually one of my best friends and favorite people to spend my time with - on their own levels and in shape of different dynamics with me.  And boyfriends have always been my best buds.  Some of them were already that way and some of them grew, at a rapid pace, into that.  So friendship, in essence, is a large part of every single relationship, no matter what the dynamic is, that I have ever had in life.

Friendships mean more to me than a lot of values even.  That's how important it is to me to be taken seriously as a friend and it explains my need to have these friends of mine understand how serious I am in my feelings toward them.  For example, there are those "questions of rhetoric" like 'what would you grab if your house was on fire?' and 'who would you take a bullet for?'" that we all liked to ask and rev up conversations when we were younger.  When people ask me who I would take a bullet for, I usually say 'just about anybody!'  I'm not going to die for the criminal types that have made taking gunshots for friends a rhetorical topic.  How unfortunate, really.  But, I say 'just about anybody' because I know where I am going when I time out.  My mom and dad do, my sister does, and I hope that any of my friends that are standing around watching me bleed-out for the sake of another also know that I am headed homeward when my earthly life ends.  To be a hero, no.  I wouldn't be able to feel the recognition I may be honored with by taking a bullet.  To save one single life of 'just anybody' I would rip the worlds apart of my loved ones?  No, I would hope that whether it saved a single soul at all, it would be a testament to my faith and that more souls would trust God in this mean, cruel world and that it would be a testament to the love and admiration I have always had for people I recognize as my friends.

The love is big and bountiful that I have for the people in my life.  The ones that I want to spend my precious time with.  The ones who I want to spend that time with and have them consider it more precious for having me around.  The friends that I would take bullets for or that I'd even set fire to my new room for if it meant keeping them out of harms away.

But not for the friends who are the ones with the loaded gun pointed at me.  I'm not going to keep taking the bullet when I'm walking around with a target on my heart like it's the first day of hunting season.  I keep doing it to myself, and I am just simply 'done' with it.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I saw my family change for the better in so many ways.  It didn't happen over night though and it didn't happen at any free expense.  We paid for it, because to truly develop and turn over these leaves in life you have to be willing to be realistic about things and the reality is that you have to deal with the rain to get the rainbow.  I didn't understand it as a 6th grader, but the difficult times are what produce a lot of knowledge people have as far as who their true friends are.  God wouldn't put us through difficult times if it didn't have the potential to make this great discovery and reinvention.  My parents truly found out who some of their best friends were and weren't when they were struggling with loads and loads of emotion and anxieties.  Of course most of their friends called them when they heard about dad's diagnosis.  These people were still human-beings, they just weren't best friends like they may have been thought of prior.  But is a true friend someone who is probably genuinely sorry when they call to say sorry, but then act as if the cancer went away the next day?  I mean, yeah, that day we heard the news our lives changed wholely and drastically, but wait a minute, where'd everyone go 6 months later?  This is getting hard now!  The reality of being a cancer patient with needles in the arm, extra traveling days to see doctors and more days on top of the days of work I never missed that I spend away from the girls.  More exhaustion.  More fear.  More anxiety. 
I just don't get it... do you have to be like me and go through all this 'crap' in life in order to understand the needs of others in a friendship?  It's a 2 way street.  Sometimes the street lights go out, sometimes it's a block party, but at the end of every night it's a street.  Friendships are like that.  There are darker times, fixable problems, and sometimes they are full of fun in every shape and size.  But it's a friendship, at the end of the day.

That's why my true friends are the ones that understand this fire is still not over for me.  No one understands it because they have never been through a fire.  It is hard to understand the needs of one human when it's atypical of the human experience.  I mean, the fire-fighters put out the flames and the fire is over.  Let bygones be bygones, right guys?  No.  That's not how it works.  And everytime you are so insensitive to that fact, the flames that still haunt me just flare up and it's like pouring kerosene straight to a match. 

The past two days have been quite the learning experience as I have tried to propell onward from some of the devastating results of April's fire.  Friendships that went to the gutter were laid upon me and I so badly wanted to go back to the 'old ways' and have a good time with a friend who used to mean so much to me.  I was getting to hang out with a group of friends that ought to know how cherished they are.  And I was finally going to let my recent hardwork and self-discipline of staying in, get to go out and have a good time to see a band that I have grown to really super-duperly love.

But the consideration was a one-way street.  I made plans days ago so that it might actually happen, and that's what you do (I thought) to show that you really wanted it to happen.  But it didn't.  And I can choose to be a bitch about it or I can choose to just let it go and give myself an A for effort.  If this certain friend didn't want to go, he could've told me before I was blow-drying my hair in an effort to spend some good, quality time with an old friend, a group of gals, and one amazing band (and that's extra effort because I usually let it dry out the window while on the 52mile trek to Birmingham).

I'm disappointed by others, but not in the way I am about a certain friend.  The others have priorities and lives that allow for changes in plans because of things that 'just happen' when you have a seriously committed relationship and prior commitments, etc.  But, it still is nice to know before last minute that this night you looked forward to all week is just a no-go.

Then, to know that my ex-boyfriend will be there -who is a music-idiot and has no appreciation for the band who is playing, just gave me plenty of reasons not to go.  Not like I'd be showing up in any true 'fashion' with friends who don't want to be there and a head full of wisdom knowing that I'm a better person for trying than not. 

But I'm throwing in the towel and hanging up the cleats with this game.  The music-idiot can do his stupid dance that always made me uneasy with second-hand embarassment all he wants with my new favorite band playing and the lead singer singing the lyrics that tell a story far more invigorating than any flat, one dimensional thrill he ever gave me as my boyfriend.  Because if I was there, flower-dancing and shoutin' hollers at my Chapel Hill musicians I'd be all smiles and I'd be gone to Carolina in my mind because those sweet tunes are all things new and make me think of the new and adventurous life that I found the very same weekend that I found my love for the band I'm talking about.  I'd be bouncing around the room like a leprachuan who found a pot of gold, because I did - and I am a field of four leaf clovers lucky!

I'm just not going to put myself in those situations though.  Not when I know I have a better life elsewhere and that waiting it out and not being hurt by friends who are not so and trying to make old friendships spark again.

Some things just won't catch fire, and other things that aren't supposed to, do.  The flames of these friendships are not catching fire and blazing any paths for me in my life, so I'm just going to stop trying to do it all myself.  Because there is someone who has reminded me that good people do exist and that people DO find my interesting enough to not only want to get to know me, but truly know me, and therefore they know how deeply hurt I am by the shallowness of friendships that I thought were much deeper than they actually are.

I guess when you play it safe in the kiddie pool, the shallow end of the real pool seems deeper than imaginable when you promote yourself to the bigger world.  Then you hang out in the 3foot waters and you realize that the real fun is in the deep end with the grown-ups.

I know the dangers of the deep end and I know there are things in the deep end that are harder to see than in the shallow.  But what's the fun in not taking a risk and exploring new waters?  To be honest, it's not just more fun, more thrilling, and representative of going to the next level, it's just better than all the games and chaos that go on with the immature people in the pool's shallow end.  That's exactly what I don't need.

A lot of people who have had to go through things and lose the magnitude of "things" that I did in that room would want to play it safe.  Maybe not even get their toes wet yet, and I understand that because it's far more emotional that anyone can comprehend. ( And y'all, when I say the 'magnitude', I mean HUGE. I say that because A  LOT was in that room. The fact that I did not have any storage space whatsoever means that what I owned is what I lost, and I've always been more than grateful for the great amount of stuff I was blessed with. But like I say, he giveth. And he taketh.)
But, as I plunge into new beginnings everyday, I choose NOT to play it safe.  I'm diving headfirst into waters that I trust, with blind faith, are deep.  I jumped off a cliff with the hope that it would make a splash for ME and whoever else was at the bottom waiting on me. 

And sometimes, someone else is down at the bottom in those deep waters that aren't visited much by a lot of people.  Because you have to jump without being afraid to fall and it's not 'what everybody else is doing' and it's looked at as 'crazy' or running away from something.  It's just not that way, and if it was I still wouldn't care what others thought about me.  Why start now? 

So if people want to say I'm not a good friend because I chose tonight to hang up the cleats and not start another game, then so be it.  Those are the very people that think I just like to chase tornadoes and put myself into a stirred mess of drama.  They are the ones who say I'm crazy for jumping into something I know nothing about, but I know they are secretly admiring my tenacity to go after the new and exciting.  And that's why I can sleep at night, because I chose to KNOW these people.  I chose to listen to their needs and try to be there to help them with those needs whenever I could.  I know that deep down they are good people and will make many friends because their personality is charming and witty and they can make almost anyone laugh on the worst day of their life, and the one that couldn't understand the emotional attachment I have to music will too because he's like the ledge-step in the deep end.  You think you're in uncharted waters and as deep and expansive as you can possibly be and then you realize you're not but on a step, a safety zone, that is the edge of something even more exasperating - if you let go.

I let go of him because he would not look at life as an adventure.  I'm letting go of the funny guy because sometimes life gets serious and there are things that happen between friends that can't be fixed with a 459876th trip to the same bar, doing the same thing that has always been done for 5 years now.  I was willing to drive the hour to Birmingham to do something out of the ordinary and to dance to a sweet little tune or two.  No, no one has heard of them and I had never heard of them either, until I found the place where I was going to make my dive head-first.  But now I'm in LOVE with this band and just wanted to bring the kind of friends that would enjoy them with me, to a place out of the ordinary and to hear some music that is new to everyone.  But does that make it any worse?  No.  Am I upset that I am not hearing the band right now?  No.  I am, I've actually heard more than I would have since it's a never-ending playlist of mine now.  But am I upset that some friends fail to see that this was about much more than a band from North Carolina?  Yes.  Am I going to put in the unreciprocated effort anymore?  Nope, this blog post was all I've got.

I like swimming in my new life's waters.  A little bit from my past, a lot of bit undiscovered.  It's funny how I found it on the same exact sand that was under my toes when I saw the ocean for the first time... as a little little girl.  It is the same body of water that I grew up beside in Florida, but the ocean brings on new life from every different perspective and I have a good one now.  I understand the world a lot better than before, and that is because I made this commitment to let this fire develop me rather than unravel me.

He unraveled other things, but developed me.  If I am put down for further developing myself then I am only given more proof that everyone needs a little fire in their life, in one way or the other.  I already had passions in life that were on fire: children with special needs, journalism, music.  And I already had more than 3 dimensions to me, but I didn't let the fire burn me down to just 3 - how normal would that be.  So maybe some of my  growth also lies in cutting some ties.  And the way some people have acted and used the knife to the back tactic, I'm going to show that I'm a bigger person by just nipping it with some child-proof scissors.  When I picked the things of my past that I wanted to bring to the future, I left the mean snake-in-the-grass sneaky Baily, wait no - I left her in high school, I left the ridiculous sometimes too dramatic Baily.  Now, I deal with the drama that is needed and typical of anyone that chooses to display feeling and emotion in their life. 

And I don't deal with the drama that isn't needed.

peace and love

baily

good riddance

Do you ever just have those days when you feel something come over me and you HAVE to take care of it or you cannot find a stride in anything else because this "thing" is

such a B U R D E N ?!?

Oh Em Gee. If I am not having one of those days today. 

I've had this same burden on my heart like 3 or 4 different days the past 2 weeks.

I don't mind this burden though, because it's not prohibiting me to be happy.

It's not distress.  But it's emotion packed, completely. 

Every single day when I wake up, I feel like it is my job to tell everyone I talk to WHY I love them so much.  Not THAT I love them so much.  They know that, or ought to know that, because if I'm going out of my way to talk to them then I am probably in love with them already.  Family, friends, lovers, even people I am unsure about but want to offer second and third chances to.  Here lately, like I said in my post a couple of days ago, I learned how to play poker as far as life goes.  No, not with cards.  But knowing who and what situations and what major events in life that I'm going to hold and fold. 

But no, no real poker princess here... I was never gentle-spirited or patient enough for any of my guy friends to teach me poker or pool.  Most people are surprised by the fact that I can play no card game whatsoever, not just poker, and I don't even know how to HOLD a pool stick.  I always just fetched the beers for everyone and asked entertaining questions to keep the conversation random.  But the poker I did learn, like I said, is about life.  When I mean who and what situations and what events, etc. I mean that in the simplest way possible - that's one of the generalized lessons that underly every specific meaning and theme that I've discovered as I filter through the smoke. 

Who. 

I learned SO vividly WHO was important to me and my life after that fire.  I would have been completley blinded by these false friends still if I didn't endure and press on after that very traumatic event, unless something else came and hit me like a ton of bricks to teach me what I needed to be taught.  I am GLAD I have the knowledge that I have now.  Was I glad then? Hell no!  I mean, I can totally handle the thought of being mislead by a couple of then-very-groovy guy friends.  I mean that based on the holistic friendship I thought I had but even if I only mean it that I could have used the physical strength as I moved bins and boxes and random whatnots from fire scene to Trussville to hotel back to fire house and ESPECIALLY that horrid (now friggin' hilarious) day of moving out of the 1008 pad.  I also learned the bittersweets, like, with Chace.  I learned for a while, how to love someone on a grown-up level and practice maturity - and for once receive it finally- and how to come to terms with the truth I have always known but became blurred by the fire... you can't force feelings.  I couldn't force myself to love him when he so badly wanted to be with me during our different phases over the past 5 years.  I couldn't force him to still look at me in the same ways that he once did.  He waited around for a long, long time on me and continued to give me 2nd chances (and 3rd and 4th..) time and time again when I would 'toy' with the 'idea' of being in a relationship with him and then would run off before I let seriousness creep in to the casuality that I longed for with him for so long.  Then, he put up with a lot of distress that I displayed because of the events on April 13th and how then never subsided, but instead, RAPIDLY and VICIOUSLY multiplied.  Like, oh. my. goodness.  I couldn't get away.  I could run from a bumble bee -or hell, I could squash the pesty thing, and still turn around and run square into a hornet's nest and get absolutely swarmed.  And since, I didn't bring on that distress myself (which we all know is rare, I usually voluntarily leave my paddles behind for reasons none of us know and dive headfirst into the deepest stretches of shit creek - no lie) But since I didn't bring them on, I expected them to all be forgivable and I saw no act of nobleness until now.  I have apologized for taking some of that stress out on the people closest to me.  It is something I hate about myself.  And part of why I have this conviction to tell my appreciation.  The fire also showed me that I do not give my hometown friends the credit that they deserve.  For a lot of people, coming to college means leaving your childhood behind and making this woman life for yourself.  You get your MRS. degree, you bake cookies and pack lunches, you have babies, and you play tennis and meet the gals for lunch.  The college gals.  Your pledge sisters, your barmates, your best friends that formed over powdered donutes at 3am that you convinced one another fed you well enough for the exam you crammed for together, whoever it was that made college the hell of a time that it is.  And then for others, people like ME, college isn't where I found the gals.  Well, I was IN college, but it wasn't AT my college.  I have a higher respect for 'the boriquas' than I would have if I didn't feel the closeness between us all during that difficult time. (And that is not a racial slur, it's an inside joke adopted by the coolest people in the world and completely endorsed by our true boriquas (people from Puerto Rico).  I was reminded who my best friends are, who my love isn't, who my love could be, and who shaped me, molded me, guided me, and saved me.  I've always thanked my Savior.

WHAT SITUATIONS.

Basically, I let things go now.  I listened to McCartney, Lennon, Starr, and Harrison and think that they are life's finest philosophers, really.  I let it be.  I remember what that all truly entails when I refrain from arguing, when I have a refined and polished view of my passions and the things that are truly worth fighting for, and I know the difference between a situation that needs me to keep quiet and a situation that is appropriate enough for me to raise my voice.  I've come to realize that maturity (nature) and my experience with the fire, amongst others too (nurture) have both been working actively at growing me up.  I can literally feel myself growing up if that makes sense.  I guess what I mean is, I am a better self-advocate because I have affirmation that I am a strong and bold and courageous person.  I have that affirmation because I witnessed myself make it out alive, basically.  But more specifically, I outwardly expressed my passion in finding out WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME and why did it happen WHEN IT DID?  I just kept thinking, for most of the day on April 14th, 'damn, momma was right. momma was always right. there IS a reason i'm still in school. i ain't learned it all yet i guess.' Umm.. I have never been more right in my entire life. Er, mom hasn't. Well, yeah.. I guess she has.. she's right about a lot of things and I am not so weird for me and not weird for her I guess I should say.  I know I probably look like this cheeseball of a young woman with my journals and blogs and yearning free-spirit and dreamcatcher attitude but I don't really care... it's working.

Spirit: currently free

Dreams: some caught; currently catching more.

WHAT MAJOR EVENTS.

Right now, I have had to focus on the fire.  It's funny how I was given the fire when I finally gave notion that I can take the bad events and make them good because I am thankful for the results in my personal life and family life that are products of daddy's diagnosis.  But with that said, I'm not trying to get a flood or struck by lightning tonight, Lord.

Anyways....

It doesn't take my child development expertise to know that nature doesn't make us entirely who we are and either does nurture.  Some crazy, psycho extremist like to think otherwise, but us normal people who seem to be the most passionate and impacting people in the bizz-nass say that it is BOTH.  That's why I included that little shout out up there.  So, let me get on my soapbox, hold on.

Ok, thanks for the good looking genes Mom and Daddy.  You are hard to live up to, Zel, but I rock the red lipstick and try.  Dad, you are a handsome man. And no, I'm not asking for money.

But the other part of life, my nurtured side, is a result of the love and support that my 2 biggest fans, well 3 because you can't forget our most important Father, but the experiences in life are a lot richer than the nature I think.  I mean, for the extremo weirdo out there, let me say that I am thankful for the nature side in evolutionary fact that I was MADE into a human being.  Because if 'psychoscientifically' I was born a little mouse or something I'd be super confused and extra psychotic if I didn't know how to "feel" and "express myself creatively" and I would hate SO BAD to feel that small in the world.  It's headache enough at 5'3"/100lb.  But, I am far more ME in terms of quirks, whimsical ways, boldness, secureness, lovingness, and on and on and on... you know - all the things ya feel! I exist because of nature, and I am because of nurture, and the love of God being "life itself" because it is the only thing that is both. The balance between life and death.  We had to come up with a quote in one of my education classes.  I thought it was my lucky day until we were given the blank piece of paper to jot it down on.  Some girls took the easy way out and I felt confidant that I probably knew more quotes than everyone in this room put together and I could blow this one of the water.  Then my pencil wouldn't move.  Funny how my journaling pens take off but those pencils, those schoolhouse #2s man... they get me. Ha. But I decided to not use a Maslow or Freudian quote just because we were to jot down a quote (original or one that inspires you) and share it with the class - as long as it had to do with the class, which was Creative Concepts and Development for Young Children.  Love that class.  I came with an original.  See, I can quote others and I'm reversible! You can quote me! ;) I doubt I'll be sprinkled around Facebook like Carrie Bradshaw and Marilyn Monroe are for girls and Robert Frost and Henry David Thoreau are for boys.  (Ours seem so much more fabulous!)

I just went major off-roading huh. Well, that's what I believe to be true. So let's go on.

I really do believe in the experiences in life.  The divine ones. The bad ones. The ones that leave you in shock - good shock and bad chock. The amazing experiences - the ones you can't live without but you know you are lucky to have even had them. The humbling. The life-changing. The ones you wish you could flush down the toilet.  Because let's face it, the experiences can sometimes leave you so high like sinking the ping pong in the greased-rimmed bowl that seemed impossible and laughing in the carni-man's face and then being haunted by the carni-man laughing at you as Nemo gets flushed down the drain.

Seems like one of those bitter-sweet things I was talking about.  But isn't that what life is?  Are we supposed to lock ourselves in isolation and only see the shallow beauty of the walls that pad us?  I'm supposed to quit trying and never experience being loved and adored again by a guy just because I ought to know by now that my heart is capable of being shredded to pieces?  Or is not inspiring to most everyone when we see a cancer survivor grabbing the world by the lapels and crossing out things on their Bucket List left to the right?  I am so fortunate for good health and the blessings I have in that department, but I'm a survivor in a different way and I, at one time, felt like I was uncurable, untreatable, and I sure as hell did not know how to administer my OWN disease-management.  It was either attacking me or I was in a phase of remission.  It wasn't killing me slowly.  No, not my bad experiences in life... they bite me out of nowhere like when Forrest said the bullet just jumped up and bit him.  In the buttocks.  I was getting canonballs, on the real.

But I survived and I'm gonna start living like I should and not like I could if I didn't want to honor the strength nature and nurture gave me.  The support of others.  The grace of God.  The love of the people who I need to receive love from and good riddance to the ones that I don't.  I am just a new person altogether and I don't want people in my life that are going to bring me down.  The toxicity is too poisonous for me.  I don't have the anti-venom to deal with it and I know exactly who the snakes in the my life's grass are.  Because they are SNEAKY and they are TEMPTATION seekers and they either flare up like a cobra or will turn on you right when you think you have the coolest ball python pet-friend in the world.  A snake is a snake.  They bite you.

But some people don't bite you. And you don't want to give them the big "Bite Me" line and flip 'em a bird.  They make you want to be a better person.  They make you want to grow up and think about the things in life that really matter - friends, family, security, growth, happiness, and all the other things.  And once you get to the part of your life that all of this becomes so extremely clear and easy to see, you develop the next thing and that is this conviction I am talking about.  This good burden that I wake up with that tells me to write a letter, pay $.44 to send a one-liner or inside joke on the back of a post card a mile down the street so a friend can get some snail mail and maybe make her day better since she makes yours better, and they make you want to pick up the phone and have the awkward phone etiquette and not care because you got to catch up with an old partner-in-crime.  So, if you haven't received a phone call or a post card or a letter, I pretty much hate you.  Haha, just kidding...

No but I do enjoy other things like: being lazy, procrastinating, getting assignments done, obsessing over sports, and blogging other random shenanigans.  So, give me some time.  It DOES NOT mean that I hate you or that I love you any less.  I also have not half-assed some of my important and sincere and most convicting ones.  I wrote a 15 page letter to the Pastor of First Baptist Trussville a couple of days ago and put it in the mail today.  I've written letters to people age 2 to 82 so I have a lot of people to cover and a lot of other things on my agenda too... and hey, I'm not perfect so I'll go ahead and admit it.... changing your attitude about life, being humbled by God, and being blessed with a blank slate means that there are a lot of convictions that you have to take care of in order to put your old self behind you.  Because on the straight and narrow, you can't just turn 90 degrees and make a half-way change in yourself and then start walking forward.  No, you'd be walking DIRECTLY off path.  I mean, I'm taking a road less traveled and all but I'm going to stick with the northbound direction on this North/South bound path we all get our own version of.  The idea of just turning around and going N instead of S makes this 90 degree turn a completely straight shot on the East-West bound unmarked course.  Uhhh.. NO THANKS!

(We all know how great I was at getting lost on those cross-country trail runs.  I spent most of my Monday nights one thing and that was, simply lost!)

But God is blazing my trail.  Quite literally.  The puns aren't intended.  But we do use fire as a figure of speech a lot.  And LORD HAVE MERCY with the SONGS that mention fire.  Holy moly!  I mean, those experiences are the ones you gotta just look into the eye and send the flames back to hell.  Go to hell, my foe.  Thanks for all of these lessons, but I'll be on my way now!

And I am on my way now.  Not just alive.  Alive and well.  And that is the not-so bitter-sweet but the sweet-sweet.

Peace and Love

Baily