Life, unexpected.

There's no quick way to explain everything that has been going on here lately. Actually, I've given an attempt at an "update" post already but I ended up rambling, crying, and becoming so tired I couldn't even read it to see if it made enough sense to publish.  Nonetheless, it was way too long and it was my vent session that had all the little tiny details about everything.  I remember typing pretty fiercely, and that always means I'm really getting it off my chest.  As fast as my mind races... and as many places it goes in one deep thought process... my hands cannot keep up with what I have to say. 

Anyway, I cannot make total sense of everything anyway so I'm just going to catch things up on what has happened.  My previous posts mentioned I had been out of town a lot in the month of July.  Every weekend, actually.  So on top of just being overwhelmed with life, I was also in vacation, weekend getaway, and family obligation mode.  As we all should be aware, there are lots of things that come before blogging.

On top of a busy and exhausting month, the life Baily does like it always does and threw me a curveball.  Then another.  And another.  And then another.  Life unexpected happened and big lessons were put before me to learn. 

I have made myself proud this time around, though.  I have not sunk into a hiding place where I just prevent myself from experiencing any happiness and joy for the sake of avoiding another something to jump up and bite me in the you know what.  I have applied the hard blows I took in my past, I remembered the pain of my past experiences with the life unexpected, but this time I did not allow myself to be engulfed by it. 

My HS soccer coach committed suicide, my elderly Uncle Fred passed away at the same time my Papaw was in the hospital with heartrate/blood-pressure problems and having a Pacemaker put in, and a dear and special and one-of-a-kind friend died in his sleep at the age of 25. 

Do you want to know what will make a person go crazy?  Asking why! Why no one knew Coach Barnett was at a level of such deep depression.  Hell, especially me.  I am full of memories of his good advice and lessons in life that only a "coach" can brings to the life of a young person, especially when they share a special bond like he and I did.  I would have had no shame in telling him my story and sharing my past experiences with depression and darkness and been a "coach" to him.  But I never got the chance.  I cannot dwell on why. 

Why was it easier to handle the death of my great-uncle than any of the others?  Because in his last days he told his family of his love for them and was at peace in knowing the misery would be over and a perfect eternity awaited him.  He was prepared for his homecoming.  Therefore, we were ready for it, though it hurt to lose a good soul who was loving and dearly loved. 

Why did someone as special as Greg Gonzales... "Chevy" as we called him... never hear his alarm waking him up because he passed away in his mid-sleep at the ripe age of 25?  Why Chevy?  Why was I reminded not to take life for granted in hospital room with my grandfather that very weekend that a young life was taken from the earth at an age we feel is too soon.

As I lay in bed thanking God for not having a worse situation with my Papaw like I know so many others have had to experience, a friend that I planned to make a lifetime of memories with was suffering an aortic aneurism in his heart.  God called him home.  You cannot explain the why's of things.  I have learned this through the life-journey I have come to know... the crazy/beautiful life I lead.

Do you know how I have made myself proud during this time of sorrow and tragedy?  First, I had to go through the crappy times in life a few times previously and learn the difference in how I handled the blows and figuring out which one worked and which one didn't. 

I have spent this time of mourning with my eyes open to the light of God and I have put my complete trust in Him.  At other times I have instead stood with my eyes closed making situations even darker than needed. My sight was in the worldly things which kept my eyes off the only light that could get me through to sunnier days. When I have attempted to handle tribulation on my own, things went from bad to worse to miserable to completely lost.  When I have allowed God to handle it, which my roots and core values know to do - I am able to experience joy even when at the same time hurting over loss. 

That is what I have been doing rather than blogging.  I have been in mourning but it's been more in celebration of the lives that were lived by faith and not stuck in a place where I just dwell, and dwell, and dwell some more. 

I have been with friends who were brought back together through tragedy.  I have been in reverent prayer and devotional time with the Lord as He has revealed Himself to me in so many ways and I have been able to have the strength and wisdom to carry on because I know all things are possible with the Lord.  That wisdom came from experience, trial and error, and witnessing an overwhelming presence of God in every circumstance - good, bad, big, and little. 

I am sad, but strong.  I am not mad at God, but trusting in His work.  I do not understand the ways of it all, but I am not God and therefore I only can understand what my human mind is made capable of understanding.  I want to ask "why" and it pops into my head at constant but I answer myself with the only vague answer there is - "Because God has a plan and a reason and purpose for everything."  I just use the ability He did give us to believe and have faith, instead of letting my little tiny brain try to put a physics equation together to make sense of something that we aren't supposed to make sense of.

It will be hard not having Chevy around, it will be hard to visit family reunions and know Uncle Fred and other elder members of the family have passed away, and it is a bummer that I was not able to be a testimony to my coach who I respected and admired and would do anything for -- especially be that living testament that depression can be beat and so can anything else as long as God is the one we put our trust in.

I said I was going to keep it short but we all know that I do that a lot and it does not happen.  I just use this blog to vent, share what is happening in my life and maybe it inspires yours or helps you in some way and maybe it doesn't, and I have no format or rule and regulation to it. 

I do hope one day I am able to comprehend the powerful things that are happening in my life so that I can put them on paper and maybe give hope to others while giving the glory to God.

I know that is what those that I have lost all at once here recently would want me to do.  Be myself and do my thing.  Plus, the loss of people often bring comradery and comradery with people like the ones that "Chevy" brought back together has been the biggest blessing in giving me the opportunity to feel like my whole, true self again. 

The beautiful in the crazy.  The balance of life that comes from looking at the glass half-full and with the Lord by your side. I wish everyone could see life that way, even if it means they have to learn the hard way like I did.  It is worth it. 

peace and love 

baily  

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.  For the Lord IS your life.

This song describes my life pretty dead-on.

Guest Blog: A GENERATION IN MOTION

My friend Melissa is a true child of God.  She has known her struggles, defeated them, and gives the glory to Christ for giving her the blessed life that she leads.  I am so fortunate to know her.  We shared mutual friends at the University of Alabama and at the end of our stint there, we finally met and became friends.  I look up to her in so many ways.  She is a natural beauty and her charm is full of love and grace.  I am glad God put her in my life as a mentor, a Christian friend, and role model. 

Her heart is full of service for others and she praises the Almighty.  There is no other woman more beautiful than one that puts Christ first in her life.  Melissa is an inspiration and I thank God for putting her in my life.  She has been so kind to guest post for me -- she's a blogger of her own -- and she is sharing what great (and sometimes bad) the techno era can be for the modern-day Christian.  Please take the time to read this... it is full of God's spirit and realness.

Meet Melissa:

A big hello to everyone in the Baily blog world! My name is Melissa, I'm a graduate from the University of Alabama, which is where I had the pleasure of meeting Baily. I graduated with a degree in apparel design & besides my love of fashion I also am incredibly passionate about leading the world to the truths & beauty of this life. It was earlier this week when I received a extra special gift from the one of a kind Baily. When she asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog it just made my day! Not only is Baily one of the most talented writers I know, she is also a true gift from God. There are so many people out there that are struggling with the same issues & it takes someone like Baily who can really make a difference in others lives. The way she goes about sharing the struggles & triumphs of her life is absolutely beautiful. Everyone needs someone to relate to & Baily has given the world just that. In my guest blog I will be sharing with you my take on the lives of todays youth & fill you in on a great opportunity these kids have to gain inspiration & do what our awesome God made them to do. Thanks for reading & thank you Baily for shining your light bright & being an inspiration to all!

Generation in Motion

So, let's talk about generation Z. You know, the ones who can talk, walk, text, & listen to music gracefully all at the same time....the ones also known as the I generation (internet or instant generation)....Yea, they’re pretty cool. You see, for these kids convenience is a way of life, as they walk around holding the world in their pocket....anything is just a click away. What makes this generation different from any other is the fact that for the first time in history these school kids have the opportunity to connect with the world 24/7. They go to school 5 days a week surrounded by fellow teens, influencing each other throughout the day, connecting on a personal basis with people their age all living in the same world. But as the school day comes to a close they don't just say goodbye until tomorrow like the rest of us remember from our school days....they pick right back up where they left off and start connecting through the cyber world of social networks. This generation has all the resources needed to reach out and make a difference. That's why I truly believe that

to make an impact on the world around them. I mean think about it...they can go to school already knowing what kind of day their friends had the day before and what mood they might be in at first period....based on their Facebook status of course. They have the opportunity to get an inside look into the lives of their fellow classmates. They live and breathe other people’s lives & know who is in need of a little encouragement. Even though this type of communication is not healthy for their young minds it has given them the platform to reach out and the opportunity

out there for all the world to see. It is at this age that what your friends are doing and saying actually has the most effect on what you want to be doing and saying. This generation was given a resource called technology that can be used one of two ways....for good or for evil. Many of these young souls are in constant exposure to the realities of this world as like I said before...they are holding the world in their pocket. This generation wants to be seen and heard.....as they have made it very clear in their growing array of reality shows about let’s see here......Everything!!! I think it is great that MTV is creating shows that our youth can relate to & allowing young people to share their struggles but at the same time I find much of the content of these shows extremely inappropriate for such young souls. Many teens are lost in their everyday struggles and turn to the media as a source for the answers to their troubling questions. Wouldn't it be great for this generation to really be awakened from their fast paced lives and realize that God has the answer to all their questions. Wouldn't it be great if they stopped using Google to look up the answers and started actually looking up to the God above who has all the answers that are guaranteed to be the right ones. We need to do whatever we can to supply this generation with the tools they need to successfully reach the world around them. We need to make it our priority to transform our youth into leaders. They are the generation that can take can take the love of Christ and the message of hope and truly put it

On the weekend of July 28-30, Church of the Highlands of Birmingham, Alabama will be holding its annual Motion Student Conference. With the theme this year being “Awake My Generation”, students from all over the United States will be given the tools needed to do just that. I cannot think of a better way for our youth to spend their Friday and Saturday night than to be gaining valuable knowledge and truths about the life God created them to live. Each and every one of them was born into their generation for a specific reason, making them a valuable resource for our future. God is calling this generation to wake up and shine their light for all the world to see. They are the generation in motion, and they are awesome! xoxo  -Melissa

Melissa is such an amazing girl.  Check out more about Generation in Motion by visiting the link below. You will be moved and feel God's spirit at work in today's youth.

GOD IS AWESOME!!!

                                   

http://www.motiononline.tv/what/



don't forget to visit and FOLLOW Melissa's blog as well...

I promise, you'll love it!

LEARNING to LOVETT

Thanks Melissa, you are the best!

peace and love

baily

I'm Home

I'm going through one of those transitional phases again. 

The road started getting bumpy again so I shifted gears.  But now - I am enjoying a much smoother ride.  I have made some changes in my self, in my lifestyle, and in the company I keep.  To say the least, the more positive environment and social circle I have planted myself in is definitely reaping the positive rewards. 

I am not saying that my "smooth ride" is anything like the movie scenes where I'm driving off into a sunset in my Thunderbird and RayBans with the western winds blowing through my hair...

This little free-bird isn't flying that high yet -- but that's not to say I won't be rockin' and rollin' here soon!

Like I said... this is another one of my times of transition.  I never leave a phase of changing without being transformed, renewed, and spiritually uplifted. 

I know times of upheaval to be truly refining.
I know struggle to be one of the roads to success.
I know change as a revolution.

Pray for me as I begin a new phase in my life.  I am getting involved and taking the next step toward membership to First Baptist Orlando.  I have met some wonderful people and put my trust in an amazing counselor at the church who is going to help me get involved, find the 'Baily' that I know is still in there, and get me on the right-track to finishing my degree, starting my career, and chasing down the things that will complete me.  I took a step in the direction that God revealed to me through diligent prayer, and it has already brought such comfort, peace, and joy. 

The Lord put loving people in my life to remind me of the love He has for me.  He sent me an advisor and mentor that I look up to that believes in me, prays over me, and wants to help me in achieving the dreams I have for my future.  Peers that just met me have sent their love and compassion and remind me that I am young and have lots of time to get back on the solid ground that I want and need to be on. 

Prayers have been answered lately and I am experiencing the remarkable peace that comes from that!

Thank you to those that have prayed for me during my hard times.  Especially to those that have prayed for me to find a church home.  I didn't share the hurt and pain that came from leaving my childhood church-home last year, but the ones that I did share it with were reverent in their prayer and support.  They helped me "church shop", they ushered me into their own churches when I felt betrayed by my own, and they accompanied me to events, social functions, and sermons that they may not have gone to if they did not care & want to help me find the "fit" that I have desperately needed.  These friends who have supported me in this way knew how bad I was hurt by my home-church's lack of care and concern for what I had gone through last year. 

Now, knowing and seeing what my former church does for many others - I know that they are a group of good people and a service organization that does wonderful and magnificent things in all parts of the world, but that's just it.  Sometimes being that way can get a little corporate & business-like and the personal and individual tribulations of the members seem to be forgotten, avoided, and unattended to. I was moreso in emotional pain not because they didn't open their arms and do the things for me that, say - First Baptist Trussville did (my Sis' church), but I was harmed (and indefinitely scarred) by the slamming of the door and turning of their backs. It hurt, because for so long I spent every Sunday, Wednesday, and any other day the church door was opened at that small-town Baptist church!  The same home-church I watched on TV from my little college bedroom in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  Yeah... the little college bedroom off Paul Bryant Drive that burnt down in a matter of 5 minutes and took everything that reminded me of "Baily" last April and I never heard a peep from my pastors, mentors, and well - a lot of friends I grew up closely with in my time there.  I'm sorry, but I really did expect my church of 13 years to comfort me and be "the caring place" that they claim to be.  But it didn't happen and it only got worse for me.

So thank you, Dr. David Uth, for leading such a wonderful church family at First Baptist Orlando.  Thank you for hugging my neck without even knowing me and then finding me after the service to talk with me and learn more about me: my fire, the Tuscaloosa tornadoes, my need for a church home, my depression/anxiety, my family and my favorite Bible passage.  I had a conversation with the leader of the largest church in Central Florida and he genuinely cared about ME.  He invited me to hang out, get to know him, and stop by one day when I'm in the counseling department and say hello & have a cup of coffee!  I was astounded... I grew up with my former pastor's children and he would look in my direction and look down at the ground as he passed me in the church atrium.  It is like night and day and I am happier than ever when I walk through the doors of First Orlando.  I am excited about going to church again!  I don't care that it's a 25 minute drive and not a mile and half, 3 minute drive.  I don't care that there are a gazillion redlights and a handful of toll-booths between Dr. David Uth & First Orlando and I, and that there was only 2 small-town traffic lights between First Baptist Oviedo and I.  The distance is vice-versa when it comes to friendship, compassion, and mutual respect for one another. 

I am sort of sorry for saying this so bluntly, but to be honest - I'm really not.  I feel the message on their end was a little blunt, as well.  I expected concern out of my former church family when I hit rock-bottom... I didn't expect looks of discernment and gossip behind my back.  I did not expect these people we thought were so wonderful to turn their backs on my parents after all we had shared together.  But it happened and you can't always understand why God works so darn mysteriously - but He does.  Every season of change is a revolution, a transformation, and a time of growth.  There's a time to hold on and a time to let go.  I am glad we let God guide us during this season of up's and down's. 

I am glad that I am in the process of becoming an active member at First Baptist Church of Orlando. Pastor David Uth said it best to me at church on Sunday during our chat... 

"Welcome Home, Baily."

Hearing that, especially from the church's leader, felt so good.

It felt like I was at home.

peace&love

baily 

Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Hopefully the Word of God is something that brightens your day - like it does me.

I have been spending so much time in reading the Bible here in recent months. 

The Lord has definitely been at work in my heart, even though the tribulations I find myself in may seem to

lead people to believe that I bear no fruit.  I do, though.  My life is fruitful with many blessings from God.

As Christmas swings into full force I can't help but be filled with celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.

Maybe my trials & tribulations are there to remind me just how enormous God's love for me is.  

God came to this world as human in the flesh and lived a life full of love and without sin.

Knowing that, along with His unselfish death on the cross, is a testimony to my faith in Him.

And my faith in Him is exactly what has carried me through past trial and tribulation and what I cling to at this very moment.  I can feel God at work in my life and all around me. 

That is why my fears about everything else in life are subsided when I hand them over to Him.

Hebrews 13:8 is one of the most comforting verses, in my opinion.

It tells me that Jesus is the one man that will stay the same and always love me. 

No heartache, no abandonment, no anxiety and worry, and no changing.

Sounds like the perfect guy - huh?!?

The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Full of FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

I am eager to tell you all about the work that the Lord is doing in my life.

I am very much clay, and He is very much the potter.

BUT FIRST...

Will you puh-lease leave your favorite Bible verse for me?

Pretty, pretty please???

peace AND love

baily jordan

To others the Spirit has given great faith or the power to heal the sick or the power to work mighty miracles. Some of us are prophets, and some of us recognize when God's Spirit is present.

- 1 Corinthians 12:9-10a



my inner voice

You know how everyone has that inner voice?  Some of us have a more outspoken one, because of my habit of talking to myself that I mentioned earlier, but we all have a conscious... and a pre-conscious and sub-conconcious and un-conscious... but for simpler means... that damn voice that drives us crazy...

Sometimes it's truly your own voice - slightly obnoxious and telling you to go for it, or somber and 'been there, done that' sounding and telling you to refrain from whatever obnoxious behavior you were about to go for.  Sometimes it's your mother's voice - telling you to do your laundry or a pep talk telling you to never give up.  Sometimes, it's Dad - telling you the race isn't over and to keep on running, and sometimes it's Sissy - compassionate and mood settling or sarcastic and witty and full of comic relief.  Then there's the voice of your past - usually haunting, sometimes comedic.  The voice of your childhood - usually indicating that the easiest cures are found in chocolate milk, chili/slaw dogs, and rainbow snow-cones.

Damn, little Baily sure did have some brains - those things could save the world I think.
Then there's adolescent Baily who indicated the easiest remedies were long, grueling trail runs, a bike ride with Mom and Dad, and a group of hellian friends.
Damn, that Baily sounds fun... and in shape.
Then there's college Baily who can't tell you any remedy - except for wrinkly-headed/smushy-faced boxers and these 3 words: DON'T HOLD BACK.

Don't hold back.
At anything.

Especially love.

No matter how many times my inner voice replays the jokes about my dating record, I'm glad I did it. Because I know things I never would have known, and I know someone now that I probably never would have known in this way.  And as crazy as I sound, I don't care because I've been complimented on how good I look with this smile on my face, and I have finally forgiven everyone in my past.  Fully and graciously, I have forgiven all that forsaked me, and I'm refreshed. I feel like a new person that has shed the scars and snipped the tattered ends that kept me from a smoother, more linear life.  I guess you meet the right person and they hand you the bandaids and the scissors and you get to start repairing yourself. 

Except there wasn't left to be done because I dug so deep to find myself, all the while he was doing the same, and it allowed for growth and a deepening of a relationship because the hard part was over - we did that for ourselves and we have been able to learn more than the "so much" we thought we already knew about ourselves, by being together and understanding one another.

So the inner-voice to me may come in all forms and tones of voices, but the underlying message from them all is that I've done an okay job for myself, getting over all the pain that struck me like lightning at times and tipped me over like a night-time cow at others.  I'm happy, more than content, and I'm reassured that I do the right thing by carrying an open-heart in my chest and thinking with an open-mind.  I took a chance on something that a lot of people thought I was "losing it" and setting up shop in "Looneyville" once and for all. 

But I have a good heart, and a good mind, and those two things have never been more balanced than when I am with this boy.  I just know that I've been blessed by God, and He has never spoken so clearly to me until now.

Don't hold back.

Peace and Love

Baily

i don't hold back, i'm no good then,

i'd rather be good sometimes

than holding back all the time.

-janis joplin

Do you ever just have those days when you feel something come over me and you HAVE to take care of it or you cannot find a stride in anything else because this "thing" is

such a B U R D E N ?!?

Oh Em Gee. If I am not having one of those days today. 

I've had this same burden on my heart like 3 or 4 different days the past 2 weeks.

I don't mind this burden though, because it's not prohibiting me to be happy.

It's not distress.  But it's emotion packed, completely. 

Every single day when I wake up, I feel like it is my job to tell everyone I talk to WHY I love them so much.  Not THAT I love them so much.  They know that, or ought to know that, because if I'm going out of my way to talk to them then I am probably in love with them already.  Family, friends, lovers, even people I am unsure about but want to offer second and third chances to.  Here lately, like I said in my post a couple of days ago, I learned how to play poker as far as life goes.  No, not with cards.  But knowing who and what situations and what major events in life that I'm going to hold and fold. 

But no, no real poker princess here... I was never gentle-spirited or patient enough for any of my guy friends to teach me poker or pool.  Most people are surprised by the fact that I can play no card game whatsoever, not just poker, and I don't even know how to HOLD a pool stick.  I always just fetched the beers for everyone and asked entertaining questions to keep the conversation random.  But the poker I did learn, like I said, is about life.  When I mean who and what situations and what events, etc. I mean that in the simplest way possible - that's one of the generalized lessons that underly every specific meaning and theme that I've discovered as I filter through the smoke. 

Who. 

I learned SO vividly WHO was important to me and my life after that fire.  I would have been completley blinded by these false friends still if I didn't endure and press on after that very traumatic event, unless something else came and hit me like a ton of bricks to teach me what I needed to be taught.  I am GLAD I have the knowledge that I have now.  Was I glad then? Hell no!  I mean, I can totally handle the thought of being mislead by a couple of then-very-groovy guy friends.  I mean that based on the holistic friendship I thought I had but even if I only mean it that I could have used the physical strength as I moved bins and boxes and random whatnots from fire scene to Trussville to hotel back to fire house and ESPECIALLY that horrid (now friggin' hilarious) day of moving out of the 1008 pad.  I also learned the bittersweets, like, with Chace.  I learned for a while, how to love someone on a grown-up level and practice maturity - and for once receive it finally- and how to come to terms with the truth I have always known but became blurred by the fire... you can't force feelings.  I couldn't force myself to love him when he so badly wanted to be with me during our different phases over the past 5 years.  I couldn't force him to still look at me in the same ways that he once did.  He waited around for a long, long time on me and continued to give me 2nd chances (and 3rd and 4th..) time and time again when I would 'toy' with the 'idea' of being in a relationship with him and then would run off before I let seriousness creep in to the casuality that I longed for with him for so long.  Then, he put up with a lot of distress that I displayed because of the events on April 13th and how then never subsided, but instead, RAPIDLY and VICIOUSLY multiplied.  Like, oh. my. goodness.  I couldn't get away.  I could run from a bumble bee -or hell, I could squash the pesty thing, and still turn around and run square into a hornet's nest and get absolutely swarmed.  And since, I didn't bring on that distress myself (which we all know is rare, I usually voluntarily leave my paddles behind for reasons none of us know and dive headfirst into the deepest stretches of shit creek - no lie) But since I didn't bring them on, I expected them to all be forgivable and I saw no act of nobleness until now.  I have apologized for taking some of that stress out on the people closest to me.  It is something I hate about myself.  And part of why I have this conviction to tell my appreciation.  The fire also showed me that I do not give my hometown friends the credit that they deserve.  For a lot of people, coming to college means leaving your childhood behind and making this woman life for yourself.  You get your MRS. degree, you bake cookies and pack lunches, you have babies, and you play tennis and meet the gals for lunch.  The college gals.  Your pledge sisters, your barmates, your best friends that formed over powdered donutes at 3am that you convinced one another fed you well enough for the exam you crammed for together, whoever it was that made college the hell of a time that it is.  And then for others, people like ME, college isn't where I found the gals.  Well, I was IN college, but it wasn't AT my college.  I have a higher respect for 'the boriquas' than I would have if I didn't feel the closeness between us all during that difficult time. (And that is not a racial slur, it's an inside joke adopted by the coolest people in the world and completely endorsed by our true boriquas (people from Puerto Rico).  I was reminded who my best friends are, who my love isn't, who my love could be, and who shaped me, molded me, guided me, and saved me.  I've always thanked my Savior.

WHAT SITUATIONS.

Basically, I let things go now.  I listened to McCartney, Lennon, Starr, and Harrison and think that they are life's finest philosophers, really.  I let it be.  I remember what that all truly entails when I refrain from arguing, when I have a refined and polished view of my passions and the things that are truly worth fighting for, and I know the difference between a situation that needs me to keep quiet and a situation that is appropriate enough for me to raise my voice.  I've come to realize that maturity (nature) and my experience with the fire, amongst others too (nurture) have both been working actively at growing me up.  I can literally feel myself growing up if that makes sense.  I guess what I mean is, I am a better self-advocate because I have affirmation that I am a strong and bold and courageous person.  I have that affirmation because I witnessed myself make it out alive, basically.  But more specifically, I outwardly expressed my passion in finding out WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME and why did it happen WHEN IT DID?  I just kept thinking, for most of the day on April 14th, 'damn, momma was right. momma was always right. there IS a reason i'm still in school. i ain't learned it all yet i guess.' Umm.. I have never been more right in my entire life. Er, mom hasn't. Well, yeah.. I guess she has.. she's right about a lot of things and I am not so weird for me and not weird for her I guess I should say.  I know I probably look like this cheeseball of a young woman with my journals and blogs and yearning free-spirit and dreamcatcher attitude but I don't really care... it's working.

Spirit: currently free

Dreams: some caught; currently catching more.

WHAT MAJOR EVENTS.

Right now, I have had to focus on the fire.  It's funny how I was given the fire when I finally gave notion that I can take the bad events and make them good because I am thankful for the results in my personal life and family life that are products of daddy's diagnosis.  But with that said, I'm not trying to get a flood or struck by lightning tonight, Lord.

Anyways....

It doesn't take my child development expertise to know that nature doesn't make us entirely who we are and either does nurture.  Some crazy, psycho extremist like to think otherwise, but us normal people who seem to be the most passionate and impacting people in the bizz-nass say that it is BOTH.  That's why I included that little shout out up there.  So, let me get on my soapbox, hold on.

Ok, thanks for the good looking genes Mom and Daddy.  You are hard to live up to, Zel, but I rock the red lipstick and try.  Dad, you are a handsome man. And no, I'm not asking for money.

But the other part of life, my nurtured side, is a result of the love and support that my 2 biggest fans, well 3 because you can't forget our most important Father, but the experiences in life are a lot richer than the nature I think.  I mean, for the extremo weirdo out there, let me say that I am thankful for the nature side in evolutionary fact that I was MADE into a human being.  Because if 'psychoscientifically' I was born a little mouse or something I'd be super confused and extra psychotic if I didn't know how to "feel" and "express myself creatively" and I would hate SO BAD to feel that small in the world.  It's headache enough at 5'3"/100lb.  But, I am far more ME in terms of quirks, whimsical ways, boldness, secureness, lovingness, and on and on and on... you know - all the things ya feel! I exist because of nature, and I am because of nurture, and the love of God being "life itself" because it is the only thing that is both. The balance between life and death.  We had to come up with a quote in one of my education classes.  I thought it was my lucky day until we were given the blank piece of paper to jot it down on.  Some girls took the easy way out and I felt confidant that I probably knew more quotes than everyone in this room put together and I could blow this one of the water.  Then my pencil wouldn't move.  Funny how my journaling pens take off but those pencils, those schoolhouse #2s man... they get me. Ha. But I decided to not use a Maslow or Freudian quote just because we were to jot down a quote (original or one that inspires you) and share it with the class - as long as it had to do with the class, which was Creative Concepts and Development for Young Children.  Love that class.  I came with an original.  See, I can quote others and I'm reversible! You can quote me! ;) I doubt I'll be sprinkled around Facebook like Carrie Bradshaw and Marilyn Monroe are for girls and Robert Frost and Henry David Thoreau are for boys.  (Ours seem so much more fabulous!)

I just went major off-roading huh. Well, that's what I believe to be true. So let's go on.

I really do believe in the experiences in life.  The divine ones. The bad ones. The ones that leave you in shock - good shock and bad chock. The amazing experiences - the ones you can't live without but you know you are lucky to have even had them. The humbling. The life-changing. The ones you wish you could flush down the toilet.  Because let's face it, the experiences can sometimes leave you so high like sinking the ping pong in the greased-rimmed bowl that seemed impossible and laughing in the carni-man's face and then being haunted by the carni-man laughing at you as Nemo gets flushed down the drain.

Seems like one of those bitter-sweet things I was talking about.  But isn't that what life is?  Are we supposed to lock ourselves in isolation and only see the shallow beauty of the walls that pad us?  I'm supposed to quit trying and never experience being loved and adored again by a guy just because I ought to know by now that my heart is capable of being shredded to pieces?  Or is not inspiring to most everyone when we see a cancer survivor grabbing the world by the lapels and crossing out things on their Bucket List left to the right?  I am so fortunate for good health and the blessings I have in that department, but I'm a survivor in a different way and I, at one time, felt like I was uncurable, untreatable, and I sure as hell did not know how to administer my OWN disease-management.  It was either attacking me or I was in a phase of remission.  It wasn't killing me slowly.  No, not my bad experiences in life... they bite me out of nowhere like when Forrest said the bullet just jumped up and bit him.  In the buttocks.  I was getting canonballs, on the real.

But I survived and I'm gonna start living like I should and not like I could if I didn't want to honor the strength nature and nurture gave me.  The support of others.  The grace of God.  The love of the people who I need to receive love from and good riddance to the ones that I don't.  I am just a new person altogether and I don't want people in my life that are going to bring me down.  The toxicity is too poisonous for me.  I don't have the anti-venom to deal with it and I know exactly who the snakes in the my life's grass are.  Because they are SNEAKY and they are TEMPTATION seekers and they either flare up like a cobra or will turn on you right when you think you have the coolest ball python pet-friend in the world.  A snake is a snake.  They bite you.

But some people don't bite you. And you don't want to give them the big "Bite Me" line and flip 'em a bird.  They make you want to be a better person.  They make you want to grow up and think about the things in life that really matter - friends, family, security, growth, happiness, and all the other things.  And once you get to the part of your life that all of this becomes so extremely clear and easy to see, you develop the next thing and that is this conviction I am talking about.  This good burden that I wake up with that tells me to write a letter, pay $.44 to send a one-liner or inside joke on the back of a post card a mile down the street so a friend can get some snail mail and maybe make her day better since she makes yours better, and they make you want to pick up the phone and have the awkward phone etiquette and not care because you got to catch up with an old partner-in-crime.  So, if you haven't received a phone call or a post card or a letter, I pretty much hate you.  Haha, just kidding...

No but I do enjoy other things like: being lazy, procrastinating, getting assignments done, obsessing over sports, and blogging other random shenanigans.  So, give me some time.  It DOES NOT mean that I hate you or that I love you any less.  I also have not half-assed some of my important and sincere and most convicting ones.  I wrote a 15 page letter to the Pastor of First Baptist Trussville a couple of days ago and put it in the mail today.  I've written letters to people age 2 to 82 so I have a lot of people to cover and a lot of other things on my agenda too... and hey, I'm not perfect so I'll go ahead and admit it.... changing your attitude about life, being humbled by God, and being blessed with a blank slate means that there are a lot of convictions that you have to take care of in order to put your old self behind you.  Because on the straight and narrow, you can't just turn 90 degrees and make a half-way change in yourself and then start walking forward.  No, you'd be walking DIRECTLY off path.  I mean, I'm taking a road less traveled and all but I'm going to stick with the northbound direction on this North/South bound path we all get our own version of.  The idea of just turning around and going N instead of S makes this 90 degree turn a completely straight shot on the East-West bound unmarked course.  Uhhh.. NO THANKS!

(We all know how great I was at getting lost on those cross-country trail runs.  I spent most of my Monday nights one thing and that was, simply lost!)

But God is blazing my trail.  Quite literally.  The puns aren't intended.  But we do use fire as a figure of speech a lot.  And LORD HAVE MERCY with the SONGS that mention fire.  Holy moly!  I mean, those experiences are the ones you gotta just look into the eye and send the flames back to hell.  Go to hell, my foe.  Thanks for all of these lessons, but I'll be on my way now!

And I am on my way now.  Not just alive.  Alive and well.  And that is the not-so bitter-sweet but the sweet-sweet.

Peace and Love

Baily

peace and love

I have one of the more "strange" weekends of my life behind me.

I guess lately a lot of it has to do with facing a lot of those personal demons I struggle with.

The nightmares, the fact that since that fire started in my room I beat myself to death with blame when it's not my fault, and for the mistakes I made in friends and foe.  I'll tell anyone that one of the truths about me is that I have a zero-second rebound rate.  Nothing anyone can say to me, do to me, or giveth and taketh away from me, is going to keep me down long.  I made that promise to myself as a young girl and I think that is one value that no peer pressure nor any devilish demon I can scheme up in my mind can take away from me.

I guess some things we decide what we giveth and we choosewhat we taketh.

I've taken my share of bad times and I'm over it now.

I'm only going to take the good.

That goes for: friends, love, places I go, things I buy, how I spend my free time, and ya know - everything.

Life has opened up a few can's of you know what on me before and left me feeling defeated. 

But I bounced back.  I always bounce back. 

 In my very first blogpost, I wrote this:

I believe that drive and hard-work amount to being successful.

But I believe more in perseverence.  I think the more times someone gets knock down, as long as they get back up and try again - those are the most successful. Just because one person has a harder time getting to a certain place doesn't mean they are less successful or less deserving of being there than someone who had an easier way with things.

So I'm going to stay true myself and keep pressing on even when life has a funny way with things.  I mean, how many detours is there going to be?  Am I 'stuck' in a friggin' construction zone or something?  That's what I was thinking for a while there this summer.  Friends and family rarely saw me without mascara running down my face in tears or a grossly sweaty fatigue from running around like a chicken with my head cut off all summer. 

I literally felt like I was just sucked into a tornado, spinning and going up and down - catching a glimpse of disaster here or a ray of unexpected sunshine there.  Bi-polar... my life was hot and cold.  A scary disaster swooped me into this whirlwind of life's lessons all at once while it fiercely destructed everything else precious to me.  But in the eye of the storm I was protected by the God that sent the fury my way in the first place.  So I rode it out and trusted Him... He sent it... He'll either send it away, send me through, or send me home and I'm done being scared of any of them.

I look at that fire in the face now.  I've told it in these blogs, in my personal writings, and literally out loud everytime one of it's salvages slaps me across my face.

Like when I am looking for something and a charred metal cross jumps out at me and the smell was so real that I could almost SEE the stink. 

When things like that happen I just tell myself to quit being a whiney baby about it because if me, myself, and I plan on being here for 60+ more years - there are bound to be some crazy, scary, horrifying things that lay ahead.  If I can't take a punch to the gut now, I'll never get to the end of that Bucket List.

And that is what keeps me going - every. single. day.

I had no idea when I wrote that up there, that God was about to send a tornado of flames ripping through my little college cottage's bedroom. 

I don't know if I would have WANTED to know.  I don't know what I would have saved.

I don't know what I would have thrown out.  I just don't know how to make those decisions for myself, but I am not going to be a future "Hoarders" episode - come on.

I just don't know - yet, what I would giveth and taketh away.

I doubt anyone else would either.

In my 'Listology' book, there is a list asking

things i would take if my house were burning down

I made the list.  Now, there's an asterick beside that list that says

you don't take anything. you go crazy then get you and everyone else out

We're not supposed to decide the giveth and taketh away parts.

We can't arrange a divine meeting with a Spiritual Leader.  God does that.

We can't pick our soul-mate.  He's got that one taken care of as well.

We can't buy a study-aid for life's test.  He giveth those lessons to us with "life."

We can't decide our fate.  Yep, better believe it.

We can't choose the way we leave this earth.  God definitely does that.

But, we DO get to decide how we live it while we are here. 

I'm going to stick with the girl I was on August 20, 2009 and keep perservering.

I think that the August 2009 me had a good head on her shoulders and I am really proud of my honesty with myself this past year.  A lot has happened but I still firmly believe in the things that I wrote in my little ediary here. 

Like this one:

I admire the person that stands out in a crowd.  I admire the one who thinks creatively, the one who surpasses the text-book version of things and creates new ideas instead.  And I admire the one who intrigues us all even if we are looking at them like they are the biggest freak we've ever seen - hey, at least we're looking!

And this one:

I think the past defines the future;

 your friends are the family you get to choose;

and our family members are the friends we want the most.

I can't say that this calendar year has held ALL good decisions and I definitely can't say that the winds have been calm and sails smooth.  But, I can say that I have stayed true to myself in heart, spirit, faith, and love - despite this year being a top 3 on the shitty list.

But, I shouldn't think of it that way because I've learned a lot and I told myself I'd work as long as I could at getting over personal tragedy so that I can look back one day with no regrets.  So I guess that is where I am right now - the storm has passed (this one at least) and it's time for rebuilding, reflection, and reorganizing...

It just feels good to not be a time for needing.  I'm more of a giver than a taker when it comes to the things in life that we DO have a little bit of control over.  So when on of those things that we don't have control over happens to me, I hate having to ask for help.  That's one of those things that gives a little more meaning to the fire, now that I realize I am okay with asking for help while being a giver to the needy at the same time.  I learned you can be both.

A giver and a taker.  That's how the human life really is all possible I guess. 

When I think of the things that makes me happy I think of meaningful conversation, the company of friends and family, and love.  Every single one of those things takes me being a GIVER and a TAKER.  In communication, in feeling, in interaction. 

Check it off the list... lesson learned.  I am both.

I just really needed to vent that out and 'tis what this bloggity thing is for, right?

I just woke up from a nap and am on a hunt to finding my medicine so I do not expect this to make all that much sense... but maybe.  I'm probably going to have to take that medicine before I sit down and read it myself.  Ha.

peace for your mind and love for your life

baily

free-bird

You know when you get those days to just "hang out by yourself" and relax?

I have been known to be a ToTaL hermit crab. 

I've never been this way, before college - ever.

Growing up, I was ALWAYS out in the living room with my mom & dad while my sister would totally,like, hibernate in her room.

I just never got into that groove for some reason or another.  I don't know, her room was a lot more welcoming you could say.  The sun actually shined in it and had a very inviting feel.

Mine, is like the ULTIMATE nap room.  I've blogged about that little back bedroom before.

That monster tree, and then there was the friggin' beanstalk, it always made for way

too much imagination-overload in my dreams.  To this day I just shake my head in disbelief that my parents can't figure out why I was such a weirdo as far as my sleeping habits.

I think that old oak tree back there is a lot to flippin' do with it.  That thing is trancy.

Anyways, I hated being back there alone.  The closet - to big, too deep - someone may be in there.  My bed, always higher than my sister's.  Why? I don't know - but think about that from a 12-year old's perspective... (who is predisposed to be "me" one day keep in mind, and is batshit crazy herself already)  Ya, it was taller than Ashley's because the bad people hid under mine.  They didn't want to come get Ashley.  Who would take Ashley??

The 'good one'. 

She didn't flip off the construction workers when we were riding bikes today.

She didn't stick her tounge out at the grumpy old man who honked and made bitter gestures at life, himself.  No, she kept herself day in and day out from doing the pesky things.

So, OF COURSE, they were coming to get me... to take me away.

That's literally my thought process circa the late 90's.  Not kidding.

I never truly slept that great as a kid.  So, I don't really expect to as a young adult.

I made myself tired and literally wore myself out from all the cross-country practices and races and soccer practices and games and conditionings and then the forty seven thousand other things that I somehow managed to fit all on my plate as typical kid.

Well yeah, back then I slept.  I was tired!  Just from all the GOOD things in life.

So knowing that, I figured that being worn and out and exhausted from all of these BAD things in life would allow me to have better sleep habits.  I don't have time for naps during my days... but I NeEd the naps.. I literally can't even go on without a nap anymore it seems.

Because even on the nights that I sleep really great, I never have them for a healthy number of nights in a row.  But then I'll crash into nap mode at a, most-likely at least, inopportune time and I am, last minute, switching my daily agenda around.

UGH!!!!

Don't get me wrong though, I mean...

I can sleep. 

The nights that I sleep, I sleep gooooood.

The nights that I say that I "don't sleep", I really do sleep...

I just don't sleep in such utter enjoyment as "goooood". 

It's more like - baaaaaaaaaad.

On and off; on and off.  Then, I go into the little 'Baily modes.' 

The "busy Bee" will wake up and begin organizing outlines.

The "half-ass organizer Baily" kicks into gear and makes the "busy Bee" go away.

The "I eat like a Cow Baily" comes out at night... baaaaaaadddderrrr than baaaaad.

The "skinny mini Baily" never shows her face.  Like, ever... maybe soon.

The "nostalgic Baily" gets caught up looking at all the pictures that fell out of the half-ass, very busily put together organized pile of random crap.

Then whatever "Baily" is in rotation at that point will peep the clock.  Squint eyes because NO BAILY can see worth a dang now and boom - just like that - .... no matter what "Baily" we are, we think of the fire. And only the fire. Shake head (really) and try to physically shake it away.  Nope.  Go to a happy place.  Alright. We're good. Nope...

Out loud.. "Raspy Baily" breaks out and says to ourself...

 If it wasn't for that DAMN fire, my eyes wouldn't burn so bad.

blur > focus > migraine > blur > focus

We see the very wee-hours of the morning and throw all the half-ass organized folders to the ground for a total re-do in approx. 38-43 minutes....

The dream usually starts and I'm running up the stairs of 1008.

I'm getting Jackie.  OMG, I just saw my room on fire and E and I had just shut my door.

Then we are getting out of the house and I'm dialing numbers hectically on my cell phone.

I'm asking where Millie is and it seems like the thousandth time I've asked someone where she was.  No one has answered.  Then I start sweating. Why was I not sweating before now, is what I am wondering.  Then no one will tell me where Millie is so I keep screaming and I hear her yelping.  She sounds sort of like she does when I'm pumping gas and she doesn't like being in the car with me out in the danger.  I'm comforted for a second, that I have a dog to keep me from danger.  Then I think, the danger is inside my room and I shut the door, it won't get to she and I... maybe our things... but we are okay.

OMG... no, where's Millie. She's not here beside me, I start screaming in my dream.

No one can hear me.

Millie can, she's getting more excited... or more excruciating?

OMG THE HEAT. It's suffocating her.  That's when she's scared not when she's trying to scare someone away.  I try to tell her to calm down and then I wake up.

I'm usually clinching my phone - that I've jerked out of the wall and the reason my phone's always dead.  My eyes usually are burning... I rub my eyes dry in my sleep so bad - especially during fire dreams.  And I'm out of breathe because for a SPLIT SECOND I forgot that Millie is safe in Florida.  Still, and this is where I can confirm I'm a little bit crazy still, I say OUTLOUD (yes I do) "Love ya Piggie" and just like that, I go back to sleep for about 20 brief minutes that are like a power nap and zoom me into "Busy Bee Mode" the next time around.  It is the WILDEST THING.

I try to explain it to others - and I'm sure this blog makes me sound like a total nutcasse - but it really does make since to me when I'm able to have these days to hang out by myself and think some of my thoughts through.  I seldom even have thoughts about things.  I wonder sometimes why I never have that contemplation era.. it's impulse or not.  This has made my life completely fun, completely random, and completely and brutally painful.  

But to actually think about what I've been thinking is something that really should be done but is seldom practiced over here in gypsyville.

But the past few days I have been able to really think things through, and like I've previously posted, I was able to make some bold moves.  Life has certainly dealt a new hand that I feel pretty lucky with.  I'm proud of my ability to, at a fairly young age, come to realistic terms (but more positively than negatively) about the hand we're dealt.  I think, back then, I believed that life only dealt us one hand and we had to just make do.  But that's not how you win a game of poker. 

You gotta know when to hold 'em; and you gotta know when to fold 'em.

So maybe I will be able to sleep better soon.

Maybe I have had a couple of good cries...

Some disappointments in plans but realizing someone 'up there' was watching out for me and making sure I am at the place that I thought I was.

And I am.

Tonight I'm going to probably deal with all the different modes of "Baily" but I can honestly know that in each of those modes, there is a girl who is genuinely happy and truly feels free.

I have a tendency to always blog about my 'Bobby McGee'... you know, someone to put as the title song in my life.  I've literally had a connection with one person in the entire world who was a Bobby.  I tried to squeeze another one into the role, but it takes a special soul to be honest with you.  I imagine Bobby to be full of color, full of feeling, and this life-changing in some way person.  There are plenty of really great and groovy people that can change your life, and will change your life, that aren't Bobby's  though. 

That need not be a word we throw around.

Like, LOVE.

But I think, the way I picture Bobby, is full of love for SO many things in life.

Mostly, the one he sings to.

But of music, and journeys, and learning, and feeling.

I truly have been blessed with knowing one Bobby. 

I think he's the Bobby that "somewhere up near, Salinas, oh Lord, I let him get away, he's looking for that home and I hope he finds it."  You know?  He was a friend and the friendship didn't last.  But, the connection we shared was always remembered and truly missed.  It was rare and it was genuine and it was born one day and full-blown the next. 

It was in the form of a friendship, and I am a changed person for having that friend.

But, I don't hang out with or talk to that Bobby anymore... such a rare gem that never got to prove it's distinction - the friendship we had was.  I always wondered if I'd ever think so highly, so fast, and be so changed by someone ever again.  I guess in the back of my head I knew there was another Bobby in my life. 

I've met that Bobby.

So, that's the only Janis song I've been singing much of lately.  Her other songs are sort of sad.  Or even the happy ones are belted with such soul and feeling and emotionally packed real-ness... it's just not the level that I, fortunately and no offense to my main girl JJ but, I'm just in a happier mood each day.  A little Southern rock (umm, it's still Bama football season) and then there's a little hippie flare - but not too much... just enough, and then some Carolina Shag music (which is of huge importance to any Carolina girl) and it's a little reggae (because something is seriously wrong with you people if it doesn't turn your frown upside down).

And to be honest, a playlist like that is usually all I need on my crackhead nights that I'm up organizing and unorganizing and stuffing my face with powdered donuts. 

And chocolate ones.  And pop-tarts.  And english-muffins (is that goog enough for ya, Skinny Mini Baily? no, you put a tablspoon of butter on each one fattie.)

Haha

But, I'm glad for days like this.  I get to think, and put my mind at ease, so that maybe I can catch up on some of the rest that I need.  That is why thy Sundays are for, right?

We forget it when we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life.

I think that He is proud of us for making it through those nights when we really just want sleep and NEED it, because somehow I am still standing at the end of the day and I have the energy to get out there each day.  So, He understands... but I think that I have grown a lot closer to this Friend that I truly was missing for a while in my life.  Because, here lately, I have seen the differences in the old Baily and the new Baily no matter what Baily was in the "power on" position.  Whichever one it is is going to come atcha full-force because I don't hold back, I make my own rules, and I try my hardest to bend the ones I can't change. 

Some things will never change.

But that's what has given me the courage, and has also humbled me to remember my values and my God.  That's what I have to be thankful for... of all the many faces of my own being, they are all there because of Him and He loves EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM.

And he will bless us gals that stick with it one day.  And even when there is SO MUCH to pray about, if you are SO CLOSE to the Lord, you can feel like a galfriend and ask for the picky things us women tend to like to do (case: kim kardash). 

 I asked for someone to love me more than I love me and to make him have a good taste in music and like to watch movies.  I know, it sounds simply ridiculous of me, and I am in full agreement.  But guess what?  I was reverant and I diligent and I met a Bobby McGee.

And, come on, ya gotta like some good tunes if I'm willing to gamble a song like

'Me and Bobby McGee'

I mean, that's raising the stakes... taking a risk...

But hey.... you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em.

And with that in mind....

  A crazy person runs off to Vegas to get married at the Little White Chapel. 

A free-spirit runs off to a different strand of lights and comes back blogging in poker terms.

I'm just sayin'!!!

peace and love

and hopefully goooooood rest

baily