Sometimes it's truly your own voice - slightly obnoxious and telling you to go for it, or somber and 'been there, done that' sounding and telling you to refrain from whatever obnoxious behavior you were about to go for. Sometimes it's your mother's voice - telling you to do your laundry or a pep talk telling you to never give up. Sometimes, it's Dad - telling you the race isn't over and to keep on running, and sometimes it's Sissy - compassionate and mood settling or sarcastic and witty and full of comic relief. Then there's the voice of your past - usually haunting, sometimes comedic. The voice of your childhood - usually indicating that the easiest cures are found in chocolate milk, chili/slaw dogs, and rainbow snow-cones.
Damn, little Baily sure did have some brains - those things could save the world I think.
Then there's adolescent Baily who indicated the easiest remedies were long, grueling trail runs, a bike ride with Mom and Dad, and a group of hellian friends.
Damn, that Baily sounds fun... and in shape.
Then there's college Baily who can't tell you any remedy - except for wrinkly-headed/smushy-faced boxers and these 3 words: DON'T HOLD BACK.
Don't hold back.
At anything.
Especially love.
No matter how many times my inner voice replays the jokes about my dating record, I'm glad I did it. Because I know things I never would have known, and I know someone now that I probably never would have known in this way. And as crazy as I sound, I don't care because I've been complimented on how good I look with this smile on my face, and I have finally forgiven everyone in my past. Fully and graciously, I have forgiven all that forsaked me, and I'm refreshed. I feel like a new person that has shed the scars and snipped the tattered ends that kept me from a smoother, more linear life. I guess you meet the right person and they hand you the bandaids and the scissors and you get to start repairing yourself.
Except there wasn't left to be done because I dug so deep to find myself, all the while he was doing the same, and it allowed for growth and a deepening of a relationship because the hard part was over - we did that for ourselves and we have been able to learn more than the "so much" we thought we already knew about ourselves, by being together and understanding one another.
So the inner-voice to me may come in all forms and tones of voices, but the underlying message from them all is that I've done an okay job for myself, getting over all the pain that struck me like lightning at times and tipped me over like a night-time cow at others. I'm happy, more than content, and I'm reassured that I do the right thing by carrying an open-heart in my chest and thinking with an open-mind. I took a chance on something that a lot of people thought I was "losing it" and setting up shop in "Looneyville" once and for all.
But I have a good heart, and a good mind, and those two things have never been more balanced than when I am with this boy. I just know that I've been blessed by God, and He has never spoken so clearly to me until now.
Don't hold back.
Peace and Love
Baily
i don't hold back, i'm no good then,
i'd rather be good sometimes
than holding back all the time.
-janis joplin
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