It's good ole "Hump Day" in the middle of the week...
I hope you are finding yourself in a 'glass half-full' mindset today and not the 'glass half-empty' kind. I know that's an old saying but I really am aware of how much attitude, perception, and outlook can determine the actuality of circumstances. For instance, the day that I decided my past could and should be the very thing that fuels the fire that will blaze my future trails, I almost instantaneously began making strides toward a healthier lifestyle. My attitude cleared the way and my mindset has kept me along this safer path.
I think of my mindsets that I have had over the past five years and it is clear to me that the happier times, the times I felt the most loved & included, along with feeling good about myself were the phases in my life when I had a positive attitude about life in general.
It wasn't that life had neccessarily stopped throwing curveballs at me during those times - because life never stops throwing them, but it was the mental fitness I had that helped me determine whether to swing, let it pass me by, or catch it and throw it right back at wherever it came from. Just like being up to bat. It's all about the mental aspect at that point.
When Dad was sick with cancer, I studied his mind and body mastery. His attitude triumphed over his circumstance. My father was (and is) heroic in the way he showed me that attitude always wins. He showed me that bad circumstances need really really good attitudes in order to be handled best. He taught me that good circumstances need humble attitudes and grateful attitudes in order to be blessings and not self-destructive distractions. Like all things in life, this too, must find balance.
I was always a believer growing up, but it wasn't until the dreadful diagnosis of stage IV non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that I found the personal relationship with the Lord. I was learning at a very young age that life was a series of tests except it wasn't like school where you get taught the lesson and then are tested on it. In life, you are tested, and then you learn the lesson. This is sometimes a frustrating concept to grasp, but I know now that it was preparation for my future.
Since that day in February 1999, my Savior has continued to rescue me, keep me afloat, and get me safely back to shore. I trust my Lord that He will not give me more than I can handle, at at times, I have wondered why He has such great faith in me because He sure does work in mysterious ways with me, but the main thing I can be grateful for is that I learned the kinds of things you just need to throw back and not lug around with you throughout your whole life.
Like a dark past.
Like a big mistake.
Like a group of people who go out of their way to hurt you.
Like friends who didn't care enough to get to know the real me.
Like the ghosts of boyfriends' past.
Like the silly stuff that doesn't matter.
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou
peace and love
~bjj~
Read this blog post from April 13th last year >>> click here.
I wrote about my personal testimony and how my preparation for the big lessons in life were learned throughout my Daddy's twelve years as a "cancer patient"...
Only hours later did the irony of that blog post really hit home. Literally, hit home.
Later that night, I lost everything in a house fire. God was listening to me as I shared my testimony to the blog world and He gave me my next big lesson because I plain out asked for it. I needed direction, and he gave it to me admist chaos, smoke, and flame. I've found my direction - to follow Christ and have that intimate personal relationship with Him and not wander on my own like I did for so long.
I love when people send me music, and I especially love waking up to something like this on a Monday morning. Knowing that someone thought of me when they heard this song, and it being my favs - Widespread Panic - makes me so darn happy and proud that my darker days AND shining moments have been influential and inspirational to others. I love hearing about me inspiring others. I love knowing that when music moves someone, they like to tell me about it because they know I've been moved and danced along to a musical journey throughout my battle with depression. From cloud 9 to the flaming glimpses of hell I've gone through, music has been my constant therapy. The Lord has been my bass player. I have been the dancer. And now I'm ready to be the singer. I'm ready to take over and sing the song that the Lord wants me to and spread it to others.
It is Spring and almost Summer...
and you know that means I'm in jam mode!
Go ahead and be prepared for music taking over this blog ;)
* I'm stoked about having my laptop back in business. I had been blogging from Mom's laptop, or at work (after I was done with my assigned tasks, of course) and it was a little weird because I am used to my graceful typing on my own keyboard... I felt like a beginner on Mom's because her keys are in different places... and at work I just felt like I was annoying the hell out of everyone because they keys are old school and make a tid bit more noise than most and I type pretty fast. Anyways, my laptop was out of biz because the power cord was messed up... but my favorite man got me set up with a new power cord (thanks, Daddy!) so I'm back in the comfort of my own home-keypad...
- Speaking of typing fast: I was at LabCorp getting some bloodwork done a couple of days ago and this senior-citizen aged man nudged his wife and pointed at me (speaking much louder than his hearing aid allowed him to realize) and said, "Good Lord, look how fast that girl's a typing on that iPad thing." I don't have an iPad, but I have an iPhone... ;)
* I'm loving my new routine of going to bed early and rising early. I've been much more pleasant to be around (so says Momma, and Momma knows best) and I've felt better about myself. I'm going to get myself in the habit... but I'm also going to relish and relax in the moments that I get to take a step back and have "me time" which these days has been reading, blogging, frisbee with Millie, and hanging out with super cool friends. One of the main things that I realize during my times of reflection is how blessed I am to be around such awesome friends.
*I just learned that I am going to get to see my Sissy, Elena, and other friends in Alabama soon!!! I'm going to go up with my parents the first weekend in May to help Sissy set up the baby nursery for little Baby Grayson and Mom and I are both anxious to meet Elena's little baby Piper.
*This is the dress I am going to wear in Jackie's wedding... I love it :)
She's using this really cool site, Weddington Way, that makes it easy for us to order, rank, coordinate, and do all sorts of wedding business on - bride, bridesmaids, mother of bride, etc. It's a pretty neat website, although I won't be needing any time soon other than Jackie's she-bang! But you love birds looking to get married (bleh)... check it out, it's a really cool site.
*I'm glad that today is Thursday finally. All day yesterday I thought it was Thursday... I don't know what made me think this, but I was just so giddy about tomorrow being Friday. Well tomorrow is today and today is Thursday. But at least that means tomorrow really is Friday. And it also meant I got the day off today. Boom! #winning
*
peace and love
baily
I'm sure I'll write more later, since I have the day off and all...
As I look back on this hellacious year that I have frequently dubbed as my 'twilight zone', it is sometimes overwhelming to me to think about everything has happened. Everything that has chabnged. This year was a series of new beginnings, but that also meant it was a year of losses. I'm alone, and for the first time - I love it.
Last year at this time I was a resident of Room 214 at The Fairfield Inn in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. My best friend Jackie was in a room downstairs. Our other best friend found herself blessed by the love and helping hands of her ex-boyfriend, whom she got back together with as a result of.
Now, they've been married for months and have a 3 month old baby girl.
Jackie is engaged and I'm ordering my bridesmaids dres for her wedding.
This time last year, I was in the beginning stages of seeing life from an entirely different perspective. I thought I was in love with my best guy friend in college. He had adored me, admired me, befriended me first and foremost at freshmen orientation, and had held out for me for so long - 5 years... through all the turmoil and pure hell I put him through, and he was the one I called when my house was on fire last April 13th. He was the one that drove an hour from Birmingham at 10:00 at night to be by my side that evening when I lost everything, when he had to be at work almost 2 hours away at 7am. He had a constant friendship with my family - even grandparents. I thought since all that was happening to me - losing everything in the fire and him being the one that was there when it all went down - that it had to mean he was, indeed, my soul-mate. He brutally informed me otherwise one Sunday night in the middle of July. The darkest of all valleys began right then and there... life was changing too fast for me to catch up. I couldn't even keep with the day to day, let alone try to figure out what it all meant. I'm glad I had God, because I felt like I had nothing else. I could almost feel myself suffocating but the only thing that kept me going were the last three words he told me the night we broke up... 'stay inspired, Baily.'
I'm known as that girl... the creative, funky, inspirational, zesty for life, kinda chick! I hated the pale, wrinkled, fatigued, fire victim and broken-hearted fool I had become. I knew I wouldn't stay in the dumps forever, and I knew I had a life that was far more blessed than distressed... but sometimes when life overwhelms you with the constant pits, it's hard to truly see that until afterward. But for me, Little Miss High and Low, I wasn't surprised when I found myself handling things in a manic, life is gnarley, lets take big risks type of way.
I drove to Myrtle Beach and fell for a boy that swept me off of my feet. I admired our match-maker so much that I trusted her when she told me he and his family were amazing. I have full belief that he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I had a very meaningful adventure with him, and I will forever be grateful for his presence in my life and wish it didn't go away the way it did. But, I should have listened more carefully to the other part of the contradictions I'd been told about his family. For some reason, despite my effort to be the Southern guest, lady, and generous human that I like to think that I am and have otherwise never been told that I wasn't, they didn't accept me and love me the way that he did. I know that he knows it, too, because it was the only reason for any complication during that blissful period. So my heart was crushed by rejection and hope was lost for a short time. But I never cried over this beautiful person in my life. I guess because by that point, I was at home. I was strengthened, I was anew.
This year brought me home. The people involved in this year, brought me home. I finally brought myself home. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for this grueling and turbulent year, for the South Carolina sunrises and the dark lonely nights at The Fairfield Inn, for beauty and the beast, for unwritten stories and hopeful happy-endings, and for the lessons that I learned. I'm thankful for God's grace. I'm amazed at the power of prayer. I'm stronger, wiser, and more happy with myself than I ever have been. I'm a year older, but feel younger and more free in spirit than ever.
I'm joyful - and that is something that I was not a year ago. I'm home, and that is something I definitely was not a year ago. I love myself, and I hated myself a year ago. I'm better than I was a year ago.
I can finally celebrate this year, not feel the pain of it. I love the Bob Marley quote, "Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet." I felt the rain, but now I've got sunshine.
But most of all, I've got love for myself - and I'm pretty sure that's the key to happiness... if it's not, I'll fill you in on a little secret - it sure as hell unlocks the door anyways.
"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time.
Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
-E. B. White
No, but seriously.
Do you ever just have those days where you crave to make a difference? Whether it be a need for serving others, lending a hand to a friend, propelling yourself into a full-on effort for social change, or whatever it may be... some days, you just want to do something for the good. Then there are some days that you just want to sit on your bum and be a couch potatoe.... I love those days too. But, I think God sprinkled me with an extra little sparkle that gave me a server's heart. I've always been that way.
I love working with children - their smiles and excitement when they've achieved something that we take for granted. Especially special needs children... if you know me, then you know that is where my heart and soul lies. My prayers are endless for the livelihood of people with special needs and their families - I yearn for equality and acceptance and respect for everyone, and I shake my head at the brutal truth that our society still outcasts people and so easily hates and struggles to love one another. I have a passion for the earth, too. That's why this Earth Day - which is Friday, I am going to put my efforts into advocating for a cleaner, healthier world. I love Earth Day, and I wish people treated every day as if it were Earth Day. This is God's beautiful masterpiece - look at the beauty that our humanity and natural evil is destroying every single day.
Like John Lennon said, "I really thought that love would save us all." And when Jimi Hendrix said, "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." --- I agree with them.
So many days I wish I could go on a passion-filled rampage of advocacy, social-change, and start a revolution... but it's not always like that...
But I DO have a voice. I DO have this blog. I CAN make a difference - no matter how big or how small. I DO realize that people appreciate my zest, my passion, and my newfound aliveness! I am glad that "Baily" is back in action and ready to help others in their dark worlds... now that I have fought through mine and see the light again. I want to spread the peace and spread the love. I want to forgive, I want to love, I want to stay open-hearted... and that is what I plan to do.
I just want a world of happiness, and not so much hate, crime, disrespect, ugliness, and bitterness. We have so much to be thankful for. We have so much to cherish. And in celebration of Earth Day we can always do the little things that matter most, conservation wise.
and of course I love any good reason to show Millie off.
Millie has been all sorts of excited lately because her birthday is coming up and she is happy to be joining the rest of the boxer family and not being "the baby" anymore. Trust me, though, I know she is relieved that Sissy is having a baby boy due in August because that means Millie will still be "the baby girl" of the family.
She just like her mom - we're brats like that.
Note: Mildred Jean Jones (Born April 28, 2009, adopted June 18, 2009)
This Tuesday at 'Tail Wagging Tuesday' is showing off doggie bling. Since you all know that I am not that much of a rhinestone princess - either is my dog. Even though she's petite, she is much like her Momma in the fact that she's a super jock. She's fast, got one hell of an attitude, is a show off, a flirt, a tomboy, a runner, and loves to play outside. And hogs the bed. What we have in common the most is our love for accessories, but not prissy ones. We like leather, turquoise, tie-dye, and bold colors.
But, most of the time, Mildred Jean goes free-birdin' it. Her neck gets itchy and rashy sometimes and she doesn't really need a leash unless we are somewhere that requires it (public trail, neighborhood walk, cafe, etc.) - so it is easier to just let her run around naked as a jaybird.
Anyways, here are some of her looks over the past two years!
And.... yes - these pictures do provide evidence that sometimes Millie and I share our accessories. Especially our bandanas. I like to tie them around the straps of my purses, loop them on a belt loop, pull my hair back with them, use them as a sweat towel... you know, whatevs. And Millie likes to prance around and show off all her different colored ones. She has yellow, turquoise, red, blue, orange, green.
Well, WE have them. Haha!
We like funky jewelry... so she's like me and has many more collars, leashes, and accessories than I can even picture... but like I said, she's usually nekkid.
I love this little 'Piggie' (my nickname for her since she was a baby) and I couldn't ask for a better behaved, more protective, happier dog than this one. Sometimes she gets itchy and has to take her allergy medicine but she does it with no complaints. Sometimes she wants to bolt after that squirrel and prove how fast she is and what a good hunter she is (she is a Bama native, after all) and I have to get on to her, only so she doesn't get herself hit by a car. She needs not wear a leash, she listens when she's called, she is grateful for her toys, her food (oh boy is she grateful when they have meaty morsels!) and she's the most grateful for all the love and attention she gets. She is spoiled ROTTEN!
It has really started to hit me lately that I am going to be an aunt. My only sister - my only sibling - is pregnant with her first baby. A baby boy. I just know he is so beautiful as he is growing inside of her and that God grace is a part of the entire process because it is what gives us purpose and meaning.
It hit me when I was driving down the road and I was really feeling down on myself. I have my ups and downs - and then I have my way ups and way downs. I'm not really sure what this one would rate, but I was in deep thought with myself... no radio, no cell phone conversation, no random pointless stuff that is sometimes typical of me... but the deep stuff was going through my head and I was thinking about baby Grayson.
Grayson Coleman Little.
I was in deep thought, and down on myself, because I was having one of those days where you wonder if you even have a purpose. I mean, life isn't too bad and there's not drastic suffering but it's just monotony and full-time reminders of your failures. I feel like this somedays, even though I always snap out of it and see how blessed and loved I am. But this particular day, I was wondering what I'm meant for - I'm a troublesome daughter, I'm single and can make any guy fall in love with me but can't grasp the act of making them stay or keep their promises, I'm just as much of a bad friend as I am a great one, I have no career, I have no degree, and I lack a lot of self-confidence. I know that those times are just the evilnes of depression getting to me and I always can pray and ask God to help me keep those thoughts away, and what do you know - the Lord brings me the my HAPPY PLACE...
So the deep thought that I was in, was suddenly not so dull and grey when the thoughts led to my precious baby Grayson - the nephew that I am going to swaddle with love and giggle with until I'm too old and senile to even know who he is. I can't wait to be his best buddy, his cool Aunt, for my entire life. I know my sister's life is drastically changing... but her life has always been very linear, smooth, and gliding. Mine is like a random, no correlated mixed timeline of a lifespan - but then wham bam!.... I get to take on the role of AUNT SISSY, too! There ARE great things admist the madness. Anyways, back to my thoughts...
I got to thinking about how one day he is going to be a twenty-something and wonder what his purpose is and maybe, but hopefully not, he might wonder if he even has one. Like I've often wondered. I found relief, comfort, and strength in the self-talk and transistion of my thought proces when I realized I am going to be a guidance couselor that has been there and done that when he gets in trouble. My sister was, like - no joke, the perfect child. I wish sometimes that I would have followed her footsteps more closely, but I always had to do things my way - so my footsteps are right behind hers... just a little different of a dance is my stride. I am just full of joy that Grayson is going to have her as a mother to look up to and be disciplined from - the woman that I know as "Sissy" and who I know's favorite past-time is to tattle on people. I happened to be her closest nutcase since we were besties and Sissy's so I have always kept her with something to talk about. I know she'll be on Grayson's little ass like white on rice - but he'll have his weirdo bohemian Aunt to help him out of stuff.
But since I have lived and learned, I know that I can help teach him lessons. Sometimes role models aren't the perfect models.... sometimes the best role models can be the ones that already did the messing up and falling down and then they meet something, like a nephew, that they love so much they make sure they don't make their same mistakes. They change their ways for little nephews. I can't wait to be a role model to someone who will hopefully look up to me.
I know I mess up, I know I will continue to mess up, and I don't care if anyone else sees it or not - it is only important to me that Grayson Coleman Little will see it - it's not about how or why or the amount of times you fall down, it is ALL about GETTING BACK UP again!
bjj
continue to pray for baby grayson. i love to just close my eyes and imagine God just working with His holy hands on that beautiful being. i can't wait to know this kind of love.
I'm addicted to my iPhone. It is the addiction that I used to curse when my friends were sick with it. But I like it, and I love all my Apps I get to play with and all the beautiful pictures I have taken. I take back all of my harsh words about the iPhone and the iPhoner family - I still have mad love for BlackBerry but it was the funniest thing the other day when I was trying to use my mother's to text Daddy. It was definitely a blast from the past and I felt like a child trying to figure out how to hold a fork for the first time.
I never agreed with people that the iPhone was much simpler and easier to use - but it's a truth.
Anyways, I have a vintage camera on it that I love and takes these kinds of pictures:
And I'm also obsessed with Instagram and if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you've probably caught on to my obsession with the App. It's such a cool networking site to share artsy fartsy lifestyle pictures.
I. Love. It.
WOMEN ARE MADE TO BE LOVED, NOT UNDERSTOOD.
-OSCAR WILDE
....now there's a man that has got his shit together.
I hope that everyone is having a fabulous Sunday full of peace and love - and if you are very fortunate, then I hope you are embracing the joy of being around the ones you love and/or fellowshipping with fellow believers and warm-hearted people. That was the kind of Sunday that I had - family love, "How Great Thou Art," and a sermon that touched the soul - simply titled, HE IS HOLY.
I really enjoy going to church with my Mom and Dad again - I was an inconsistent church-goer at school (which I wish wasn't the case but with the college life it semed pretty typical). I was raised in a Southern Baptist church where I became a believer and baptized in 1999. Before that, though, we had always called that place home. When I left for college at the University of Alabama - after my 2005 high school graduation, that church had been my home for many years and was a safe harbor and a caring & safe place. I know that the church still means well and I know that God works tremendously through the hands of its congregation, every single day, but over the past few years we fell distant to the things that big churches become. Sometimes churches can be big and do amazing things, but sometimes churches can be on their way to being huge and hurt people along the way. Everything is circumstantial, I believe, and I firmly believe that the reasons that my family and I are no longer members of the only church we have ever called "home" is circumstantial and individualistic. Sure, it fell in a time when there was a gap and slipping church enrollment, but I know we wanted more than anything to do what God led us to do, and he led us searching for a new church home. I have been visiting several different churches at night, but my morning service and worship time I want to be with my parents - it's one of the greatest things about being at home is going to church in my Sunday best with Momma and Daddy. I pray every night that we find our current place of worhsip a nice fit and can soon call it home for good.
So many things have happened to me in the past year. A lot of changes. I lost life as I knew it - church, school, belongings to the fire, friends, relationships I put my heart and soul in, and A LOT OF PRIDE. If I could only explain to you some of the ridiculous and life-challenging MESSES I got myself into then you'd be reading a damn near novel. I won't go into the deets, but let's just put it in the words of one my main men: Bob Dylan. "Chaos is a friend of mne."
Even though so many things have happened to me, I have realized a lot - especially during my few week blogging-hiatus where I just thunk and thunk and thunk ;)
For one, I consider myself majorly lucky to even be aware that all of this "stuff" has happened to me for a reason and that it wasn't just for shits and giggles and a bunch of April's Fool jokes being played on me - although April and I do have more of a hate/hate relationship with one another and she likes to screw me one good time during this month. But, whatever she showers me with - I have learned to grow it in to a May flower. Like for instance, a good friend of mine passed away on April 1 - about the same time I was hanging out with my good friend here in Orlando and in tears to him trying to explain my anxiety and constant worry during the month of April. "Oh but bad things always happen in April for me - it's a curse," I'd say. Even I knew that I was being slightly melodramatic (but remember, I cannot help who I am, ha) but wouldn't you know - I got a call that a buddy from Tuscaloosa who had just moved to Charleston to clean up his act, get his life together, move on from past mistakes and bad habits, was dead. He relapsed. And just like that, April took another friend from me.
But I know that things, ALL THINGS, happen for a reason. It's a hokie dokie saying that we brush off and say when the timing calls for it but it seriously all happens for a reason. You stub your toe? Meant to happen. Maybe it kept you from going on a jog that would have ended violently or traumatically? You miss the school bus and when your Mom drops you off in the car-riders lane you learn that your bus was in a trauamtic accident. Every little thing, if you think about it, happens for a solid reason.
I just think it's almost insane that God throws these details into our lives. Like me not being in that fire, Millie not being locked up in that crate. I crossed two lanes of traffic and hit a power pole, but no one was in the opposite lane - for a reason. He crushed and shattered ever piece of my heart and it's been hell putting it back together - for a reason. I have a really dark spot in my life's timeline, and I have really groovy colored spots on it too - because the darker spots make the colored ones even better. How can you not love a God that spends so much time giving you a life of adventure, a riddle or rhyme or two to help you figure out the reasons He does things so mysteriously, but always in the end doing it for the sake of your good, His good, and His Gospel's good? How can you not love that God?
I am just overcome with joy today because - I have to be honest, some Sunday's I get sad. Some Sunday's I miss our old church. I miss the friends, the people I grew up praying for and them praying for me, I miss my parent's little group of friends and how they always knew what was going on with me (and I hoped at least that they had compassion and understanding for me during my struggles) and I miss the church family belonging. I really want to join First Baptist Orlando, but it is so overwhelming - the size of that church, sometimes. I just have a calling - and I know it's a calling from God telling me that there IS a reason that my life has played out the way that it has - and I want to go serve in the mission field for a short time. And First Baptist Orlando is the perfect place for service. I would keep you here until Tuesday if I went into all the neat, Godly projects that is going on in that church. I just love it. And if you know me... then you can remember that "my word" is PASSION and I love when (so many) people tell me that I am a passionate person - I just loooove it because that is success to me, to be passionate - but anyways, the motto or mantra or whatever you wish to call it for the First Baptist Church of Orlando is PASSION FOR GOD. It just screams.... "BAILY JORDAN JONES, THIS IS SO YOUR PLACE TO COME FIND YOUR PURPOSE!"
I want to go on a short-term mission project, not sign my life away just yet. But I have a zest for travel, a love for God, a yearning to learn more about the world, and a testimony and that I am SO not afraid to share. I love the microphone! I don't want to travel and see the world from one Hilton the next Marriott - I want to really see the world and give them something, I want to go over there and do it for Him, not me. I just have no desire, whatsoever, to go overseas to gawk and pretend to awe over arts and architecture that - no offense - I don't really give a damn for. And I really don't want to go to London or Paris or anywhere and look at castles of Queens and Kings I know nothing about. I want to go over to that part of the country and share the Gospel, serve under-developed children, bring creativity and the joy of arts and culture to their lives the way they bring it to our lives - I don't want to go play hoity toity Parisian... I want to get my hands dirty and prove that I may not have been ready to be a professional business-woman college graduate just yet, but I AM ready to serve, to share what I've learned throughout my own personal tragedies, and just love and dance and smiles and sing and give someone a hug.
I know a lot of you don't know what it is like to be depressed - but I know that everyone suffers. Whether you are like me and have an actual biological, chemical imbalance or not... there are times when you are sad, when you've lost, when you've mourned, when you've grieved - and in those times, you rememner the ones that were there for you to help you, serve you, be with you, understand you, pray for you, and give you hope. I can do that. I can do those things so well - God has shown me in multitudes of ways. I've been moved, I am being changed - and this time: I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. I am letting GOD control my path, because I want the destiny HE has planned for me - full of joy, peace, and love - the things I believe in.
I'm not going to listen to anything but my heart and what the Lord convicts, sways, moves, and touches. I know He dwells within me and will show me the right way. I'm tired of my way - because it is soooo the wrong way.
Oh, and another reason I have no desire to go look at castles of Kings and Queens of another country that are rude to us, is that I'm a proud and loud SOUTHERN BELL and I ain't going to no castle being as I have never graced the gates of GRACELAND where my King lived and died. Call me a redneck, but I've got a better name for you I bet ;)
Peace and Love Baily
Pray for me that in this next year I find my true direction. I am in no hurry, I am on God's time! Love you all!
"When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself." -Paulo Coelho
I'm a little late, but I am linking up with this precious and awesome blog and it's fun little Saturday adventure that I think EVERYONE should link up and do:
We get a good joke out of how much I used to be obsessed with dolphins, porpoises, and whales - but the truth is, I never really lost that obsession. That's why Momma took me to the SeaWorld themed water park and where I snapped this photo from the underneath observatory deck.
I could literally sit there all day and just watch these creatures of God playing and having fun.
It was great to see that that day (a year to day the since the housefire) because it reminded me to have fun, make the best of where you are at, and be grateful for what you have. Find time to swim, play, be free-spritired and full of joy - that's what that day was all about and I was very much reminded of that as I watched these beauties play. Plus, one of the slides actually goes through there, and you are up close and personal - well, you are more up close and personal to the cholorine water shooting up every entry to your body and the "viewing pleasure" lasts about .5 seconds. But, I was grateful for it and amazed beyond wonder at it. So fun!
I always was a rebel... but on the other hand, I wanted to be loved and accepted - and not just be a loudmouth, lunatic, poet, musician. But I cannot be what I am not.
-John Lennon
I'm not obsessed with myself. People that are obsessed with themselves piss me off. Like, REALLY piss me off. If there is someone out there that thinks I am obsessed with myself (and if they actually know me and not just think they know me) then I would really beg to differ with them, because the people that truly know me know that I have a server's heart, I want to change the world, and I want the REAL kind of world peace that isn't phonied under Miss America and her typical interview question. So, in actuality, it would really chap my ass if someone said I was obsessed with myself.
I think "embracing myself" is more like it. Obsessed? I'm not obsessed with my failures, scars, and habitual bad habits. But I sure as hell embrace them. They make me who I am. And I love myself. Am I obsessed with myself because I love myself? I don't think so. The people who like to write girls like me off as being cocky, conceited, or self-righteous are the ones who don't have the balls to be who they really are - so they're jealous.
And jealousy is a disease that I'm glad I don't have.
I'll take anxiety, depression, and ADHD anyday over jealousy and envy.
It's an honor to embrace who I am. I know I'm not a perfect friend but I'm pretty darn good one. I know that I don't have healing hands but I have helping ones. I know that I am not righteous, but I know the real righteous one and He gives me the strength to do the things that He wants me to do. I can't service the world but I can service people to my ability. I can't live a fantasy but I can dream. I can't change the scary, dark past but I can make my future as bright as a fourth of July firework's finale. And that's what I am doing. So get out of my way, haters, you're blocking the good view.
For the record, I've always been this way.
Sassy
Unique
Humble
Different
and I know this for damn sure....
It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not.
But the joke is on the haters because I've got people who love me.
Who believe in me.
Who help me.
Who never leave me.
Who stand up for me.
Who fight for me.
Who think I'm crazy and all sorts of fun and lively and keep me rockin' on!
LOVE Y'ALL!! :)
peace and love
to the lovers only
baily
p.s.
I'm obsessed with
Words With Friends
PLAY ME: WildflowerJones
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I'm alive.
And well.
I think it is vitally important for someone to take some time to relax and put extra worries aside in order to JUST BE every once in a while. That is exactly what I have done the past two weeks and I would (and will) do it again when I need tol. Sometimes "blogging" becomes an extra slice of chaos in my life. I feel the need to satisfy my title as a 'blogger' rather than freeing myself of extra worry sometimes, but I am finally able to say no and be selfish - worrying about myself as a whole rather than exhausting myself trying to live up to all my different titles. I know my time apart from my blog addiction has done me well, and I am going to slowly step back into my role as the little blogger girl. Slowly.
I have realized so much - especially during this milestone time in my life. Yesterday, I celebrated the year anniversary since the fire. The one that finally threw my runaway train off it's tracks. The fire that stripped me of my posessions and robbed me of my life-plan. The fire that made it easy for me to fall in love with "my best friend" who I had denied for several years, be heart-broken over the lies he told and deceit he hid beneath, and then run off to Myrtle Beach in a manic attempt to fill a void - only to find out that this person was a phony who came from a psych0 family. One day I will sit down and write about the vanishing end to that faux-magical journey with Clay Crutchfield. Ha - the entertainment is endless (but still a little painful when I think of the close family-friend who turned their back on my family, and who I have absolutely no desire to ever speak to again - sad, but true).
Anyway - for now, we'll put it this way: I've come a hell of a long way.
I celebrated a new life yesterday. April 13this a day that I will never forget and I will always remember as the day when my life changed forever. I lost the life I knew in order to find the life I know. I was lost and now I'm found. I know that THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON and that it's okay to mourn, grieve, and be upset. I am not ashamed that I feel too much - that's who I am and who I've always been. It means I hurt - but it also means I experience joy & serenity. I can feel the weight, but I can feel the burden being lifted. I can feel loved and I can love the hell out of someone. I know I am capapable of living an artistic life of love, free-spiritedness, aliveness, and humility. I know how to grieve - and I know how to cope in bad ways and good ways and I know the consequences and rewards of both. I've LEARNED. I've LIVED. And I don't plan on stopping now.
Thank you to those that have helped me get this far and who never stopped loving me or believing in me.
And thank you but screw you to the people who walked out on me when life got hard, when anxiety strangled me, and when pain overtook me. I hate you for being horrible friends and lovers, but I love you for teaching me the truths of life.
The best truth I've uncovered - LIFE GOES ON.
And yesterday I celebrated joyously... with the best Mom in the world at Aquatica - the SeaWorld Orlando water park! It was such a blast! :)
Plus, we got passes to come back FOR FREE any day after 2pm for the rest of the year.
Oh, the perks of being a FLORIDA RESIDENT.
I love living at home. Being at home - surrounded by love - is the best thing that came up this turbulent, trying, exhausting year. Life brings us to unexpected places and love brings us home. I firmly believe that now. And I think there was a purpose for me having to go through the b.s. that Clay's family put me through. It makes me so grateful for the family dynamic that I have been brought up in - unbroken, unconditionally loving, equally contributive, and FORGIVING! I think that's what separates the Christian value system from a system that is not touched by the divine grace of God. We forgive, we support, and we never would rob one another from true love and happiness. I am SO GRATEFUL FOR THE FAMILY I HAVE! There is no way I could have come this far without them. No way whatsoever!
I know that is why we are continued to be blessed, because we display forgiveness - no matter what.
I have so much on my heart to say... and it will come with time for me to get it all out there now that I have taken these two weeks to myself and understand "the year of the fire" a litle bit better than I did before. So bare with me....
