pickingwildflowers

I'm alive.

And well.

I think it is vitally important for someone to take some time to relax and put extra worries aside in order to JUST BE every once in a while.  That is exactly what I have done the past two weeks and I would (and will) do it again when I need tol.  Sometimes "blogging" becomes an extra slice of chaos in my life.  I feel the need to satisfy my title as a 'blogger' rather than freeing myself of extra worry sometimes, but I am finally able to say no and be selfish - worrying about myself as a whole rather than exhausting myself trying to live up to all my different titles.  I know my time apart from my blog addiction has done me well, and I am going to slowly step back into my role as the little blogger girl.  Slowly.

I have realized so much - especially during this milestone time in my life.  Yesterday, I celebrated the year anniversary since the fire.  The one that finally threw my runaway train off it's tracks.  The fire that stripped me of my posessions and robbed me of my life-plan. The fire that made it easy for me to fall in love with "my best friend" who I had denied for several years, be heart-broken over the lies he told and deceit he hid beneath, and then run off to Myrtle Beach in a manic attempt to fill a void  - only to find out that this person was a phony who came from a psych0 family.  One day I will sit down and write about the vanishing end to that faux-magical journey with Clay Crutchfield.  Ha - the entertainment is endless (but still a little painful when I think of the close family-friend who turned their back on my family, and who I have absolutely no desire to ever speak to again - sad, but true).  

Anyway - for now, we'll put it this way: I've come a hell of a long way. 

I celebrated a new life yesterday.  April 13th is a day that I will never forget and I will always remember as the day when my life changed forever.  I lost the life I knew in order to find the life I know.  I was lost and now I'm found.  I know that THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON and that it's okay to mourn, grieve, and be upset.  I am not ashamed that I feel too much - that's who I am and who I've always been.  It means I hurt - but it also means I experience joy & serenity.  I can feel the weight, but I can feel the burden being lifted.  I can feel loved and I can love the hell out of someone.  I know I am capapable of living an artistic life of love, free-spiritedness, aliveness, and humility.  I know how to grieve - and I know how to cope in bad ways and good ways and I know the consequences and rewards of both.  I've LEARNED.  I've LIVED.  And I don't plan on stopping now.

Thank you to those that have helped me get this far and who never stopped loving me or believing in me.

And thank you but screw you to the people who walked out on me when life got hard, when anxiety strangled me, and when pain overtook me.  I hate you for being horrible friends and lovers, but I love you for teaching me the truths of life. 

The best truth I've uncovered - LIFE GOES ON.

And yesterday I celebrated joyously... with the best Mom in the world at Aquatica - the SeaWorld Orlando water park!  It was such a blast! :)

Plus, we got passes to come back FOR FREE any day after 2pm for the rest of the year.

Oh, the perks of being a FLORIDA RESIDENT.

I love living at home. Being at home - surrounded by love - is the best thing that came up this turbulent, trying, exhausting year.  Life brings us to unexpected places and love brings us home.  I firmly believe that now. And I think there was a purpose for me having to go through the b.s. that Clay's family put me through.  It makes me so grateful for the family dynamic that I have been brought up in - unbroken, unconditionally loving, equally contributive, and FORGIVING!  I think that's what separates the Christian value system from a system that is not touched by the divine grace of God.  We forgive, we support, and we never would rob one another from true love and happiness.  I am SO GRATEFUL FOR THE FAMILY I HAVE!  There is no way I could have come this far without them.  No way whatsoever! 

I know that is why we are continued to be blessed, because we display forgiveness - no matter what. 

I have so much on my heart to say... and it will come with time for me to get it all out there now that I have taken these two weeks to myself and understand "the year of the fire" a litle bit better than I did before.  So bare with me....

peace and love

baily