things i need to say

"If you're lucky enough to be different

from everyone else, don't change." 

 -Taylor Swift

Since moving back home and having a clearer mind about things, I have learned so much more about myself.  I have been pedal to the metal in 'self-discovery mode' for two solid years now, but I wasn't getting anywhere - I was either running in place or driving in circles.  I wasn't telling the truth about myself and I was letting my fears control my life and my lifestyle.  I am a firm believer that it took the act of me moving home and humbling myself to the truth about me. 

The ugly truths about me. 

It sounds like it was devastating and an all-out personal tragedy, but to be honest, it was the most beautiful decision I have ever made.  Well, second most beautiful decision.  The day I handed my life over to Christ was the day I made the most beautiful.  But coming home was a 'right move' and it has lead to so many self-revelations and new learning experiences about who I am and

what I want to become.

Since coming home, I've been reassured of these simple truths about life.

There's no place like home.

I am loved.

Home is where the heart is.

There's always one place that'll call me one of their own.

Friends come and go but true friends never leave you.

Family matters most.

A Sunday sermon can change life around.

Progress happens one step at a time.

I am different.  Always have been; always will be.

The thing is, I love that I am different.  I love that on several first dates I've been told, "you're one of the most interesting girls I've ever met."  I love that people say I am one of a kind.  I am happy because I embrace it.  I am happy because I can laugh at my flaws and know that God thinks I am perfect.  I am full of joy because I am surrounded by friends who are happy that "Baily Jones" is back in town.  I keep a positive attitude about my situation because I know my family has faith in me and therefore it's easy to keep the faith in myself.  I am not sad, down, and out.  I feel no misery and I'm free of darkness and doubt.  I came home and faced the honesty that I had been running from, and my chains were lifted.

I am free.

I am me.

Free-bird.

Since coming home and experiencing this freedom that I found through the truth, I have been a different person.  I better person.  I've fallen in love with myself again.  I have confidance when I look in the mirror and I finally have the desire to show my bubbly nature and radiance now.  I think it is because I am finally in a place where people appreciate that radiance, they have a bond much stronger with the bubbly Baily than they did with the depressed & distant Baily. 

It took me coming home to where my roots are to find

some of the missing pieces of my life's puzzle. 

When I say I hit the pavement running in the direction of self-discovery, I mean I went searching high and low.  In the wrong groups of friends, in the right groups of friends.  In the wrong guys, and in more wrong guys.  In cities, social groups, and organizations.  In life passions, life dreams, and bucket lists.  I turned 21 years old and realized I hadn't really started living so I took it upon myself to find the life worth living.  It is just unfortunate for me that I chose to it at a time and place that weren't right and I was too young and stupid to realize the bigger problem. 

I was a child of the world and not a child of God

and that is never a good start for starting over. 

It's funny how God kept interrupting and tried to pull me back on His path, but I refused to until I had no choice.  I lost control and finally made a responsible decision and decided to humble myself and better myself rather than run from it or sweep it under the rug and go on lying to myself and everyone around me that I was ok and had control of everything in my life. 

Now, God has control and things are better than ever for me personally.

He brought me to a place that is nurturing me back to completeness.

He's blessed me with reunited friendships and the sense of familiarity that I was desperately longing for.  A place that accepts me for me and hated to see me so un-Baily like.  I find that such a comfort in a world where we seem to be manipulated and changed by the people around us during this self-searching phase of life.  The only changes these friends want to see in me are the self-improvement goals I've made for myself - and that is something that means a lot. 

I don't feel like I'm not worth it to anyone here.  People go out of their way to help me, to boost me up, and to hold me accountable.  I mean that they hold me accountable because I have found myself being a better friend to others, just by being around these wonderful folks.  When someone very special to me told me that I was beautiful last night, I believed him because I can trust these people.

Even after all the stabs in the back and the unfaithfulness and the verbal abuse I have suffered from guys in my past, I am able to love and have no fear because I am cared about and truly adored by them. 

It's a feeling and a peace of mind that words simply cannot explain.

Like this text message from a friend that made me happy.

The little things in life mean everything to me.

Sender:

"You are just Baily Jones...

what more is there to say. 

That is what it is."

If that doesn't make ya feel good, I don't know what does.

I'm aware that I'm a little different, my life story is full of beauty and tragedy, and I have an odd and quirky way about me... but it's who I am and I've always believed that if you don't love yourself then no one else will love you.  Well, I came home and found the parts of me that I had gone astray over the past few years, and I'm loving who I am becoming and I love, even more so, that I am admired for just being me.

So thank you to everyone who loves me for me.

Who didn't give up on me, try to change me,

or try to make me believe I am a bad person or not worth it.

The people who have stuck by me through the storm and are now standing in the sun with me. 

I love you more than I can justify with words.

"It's your gift to see the beauty and the horror in ordinary things. It doesn't make you crazy - just different. There's nothing wrong with being different."

-Cassandra Clare; City of Bones

peace and love

BE AS YOU ARE

baily

"You've got one life; live it. Follow your dreams, quit your job, drop out of school, tell your boyfriend that he is lousy, and walk out the door. This is your time. This is your life.

You know what? Dream as big as you want to,

it's the cheapest thing you'll ever do.

-Jared Leto