i love to hear that roll tide roll...

Everyone should be pretty, or very, aware that I love my Alabama football.  It isn't something that I grew up knowing at an early age but it is something that chronicles a new love and respect that I have for the sport.

When I started out blogging, it was on a different site that was created by me to extend my sports column which ran for two years in my high school's newspaper publication.  It was devoted to my devotion to sports.  And my devotion to sports is an undying thing. I was born in the Tar Heel state, where the shine of the hardwood is a beautiful thing and the squeaking of rubber-souls is almost as sweet of a sound as swoosh.  My devotion to sports was born in basketball but has developed into a passionate, burning love for the game of football.  It was not too long after moving to Alabama that I realized how infatuated with tradition-rich football I was! 

That's why today was a good day.  I sat on a couch with one of my best friends, Emily McGee, and spectated ALL day long.  We were spectators of a game that we both have a strong connection with.  That's because we both went to a school that lives and breathes and will die for all things football.  We have lived in a city that comes to life in the Fall and goes into hibernation during the Spring, when our town's people are glued to BamaOnline and Rivals.com hoping to get a glimpse of what to expect from this town's one true love: the Crimson Tide. 

We left only to pick up a few things from the grocery store and to pick up a take-out order to keep us fed during this football packed Saturday.  Today there were no frills; just a couple of twenty-something year old girls who looked a lot like 45-year old beer-gutted men today with a Bud Light in our hands and our asses imprinted on the couch.  It just humors me that even when the Crimson Tide play in an entirely different state, the team's faithful still let college football be what our world revolves around.  And with the end result being a W, I can't seem to find a better way to spend a lazy Saturday afternoon.  Well, an afternoon in the crazy student section at Bryant-Denny Stadium would be nice, but I've got that to look forward to next week.

But I love the days like today when I am reminded just how passionate and on-fire I am for the crimson-clad boys.  The game against Arkansas in Fayetteville was a high-intensity, edge of your seat type game and I think it would have made for a less successful day if I were standing on the metal bleachers in Bryant-Denny.  Not that I would have any less faith in my schoolmates to secure the 28th straight regular-season win, but the anxiety and near-fatal panic attacks I suffered in the comfort of my own home would have not mixed well with the whiskey-lit and rip roarin' drunk fans that pack themselves in like sardines to every home game.  The back and forth lead, the gloom of doubt, and the hard-to-understand play-calling were all handled much calmer than if I were in my home-game element.  I laugh when I think of the close calls I've witnessed in person. 

Plus, I got to watch more football and keep my ass permanently imprinted on the couch.  The love isn't just for Alabama when the quad is covered in crimson and the speakers jam out 'Sweet Home Alabama.' 

The love for football runs deep here in the Deep South and the faith that I have in the Crimson Tide continues to grow.  Even on the Saturdays that I shake no shaker, I drink no Yellow Hammer, and I scarf down no 'Denny Dogs.'  Maybe that's why I love this program so much. 

And, then again, maybe it's because we are the number one team in the nation.  Or because we are SO good, even when we play REALLY bad.  Whatever it is, it's earned my lifetime commitment as a Bama fan.  Now who's with me?!?!

peace and love

ROLL TIDE

baily 

this one moved me

Damn, I don't know.  I don't dwell on it much.

I did wonder, but I'll never know why it happened.

The impulse is to use reason to understand something

that lives beyond reason.  It's the lunatic fringe.

You have to keep your eyes open but you cannot live

your life in fear.  In hindsight, it feels like one of those life

lessons, that good things come of even the worst you can imagine. 

It was a strange time, to say the least. 

The fire.

It was obvious that, eventually, I'd need to stop and create a new

place to call home.  I just had no sense for what was to come next. 

No master plan. 

As it happened, I was thrown into one of the most artistically fulfilling,

one of the lightest in spirit, and certainly one of the most unexpected 

periods in my life.  Here I was, someone who'd lost everything I owned. 

I remember the fire, really well. 

I can still see the trucks arriving and the hose blasting water on my house.

And I didn't even have shoes to wear. 

A moment like that is not one when

you're thinking, "Soon I'll enter into one of the most magical times in my life."

And then wonderfully, that's just what happened. 

IT IS WORTH REMEMBERING THAT IT CAN WORK THAT WAY.

-Tom Petty

 doing his best to explain the unexplainable

When one door closes another opens, in all of life.

The life that I knew, the one with reason and simple sense...

well, it burnt down with my room.

Now, I have this life that opened it's door to me and has supplied me with

new meaning

new ideas

new thoughts

and he put it pretty honestly when he said this period of new beginnings is magical

and beyond reason and of wonder.  It truly is.

P&L

baily

 

spread the love wednesday

LOVE

 is like listening to music

from another room...you sing along

because you like the song, but then the

door closes and a train passes by. 

You can't hear it anymore, but

you keep on singing the song. 

Then, the door opens and you

can finally listen again.

peace and love
bjj

my favorite song today:  one day at a time by deana carter

I've got a friend that wears go-go boots to Sunday School

We used to sit and drink pink champagne on a tin roof

Ridin' it out in a Thunderbird,

Singin' out loud every single word of Jack & Diane

Tryin' to pretend there was no rules

Kissin' on boys and sneakin' in bars

Tryin' to get a glimpse of who we are

We weren't wild, but we weren't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

She graduated in 1987

We were gonna make a break for it together

Headed out to Hollywood, where the stars are bright and the weather's good

But she changed her mind and went back to the 7-11

She went and married the football star

Had a few kids and works real hard

It ain't wild, but it ain't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at time...

Hey Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Jesus and John Wayne, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

Like John Lennon and Kennedy

I'm with them, yeah, 'cause I believe

You gotta make history one day a time.

why no travel tuesday?

fyi: I have not forgotten about my Travel Tuesday feature.  Due to the Labor Day holiday, a sketchy week of blogging off-and-on, and my featured blogger this week being a super busy nurse/wife/student, I have not posted one in 3 consecutive weeks.  Whether you noticed or not, I did.  Travel Tuesday will be back next week with a certain sister of mine telling us all about 'the Magic City.'  That's Birmingham.  Don't know why it's called the Magic City.  Maybe we will find out!!! :)

millie says: peace and love and happiness!

baily

i was so my sister today

I am officially my sister.

I spent a couple of hours today helping one of my closest friends register at Babies 'R' Us.  That's a huge move up on the maturity ladder if you ask me.  I was glad that I could be of assistance to her, because I know that she is bound to have so much craziness going on in life and the thought process of planning and preparing has to be absolutely overwhelming.  So, I became aware today, through that, that I was so much like Ashley. 

I thought about neccessity first.  Frills and thrills second.  I made my friend Google and print out lists: Top 10 Things A New Mother Must Have; The Basic List For Your First Baby Shower; A Guide To Registering For Your First Baby Shower, etc.  It really hit home when we found ourselves completely endulged in baby world.  When we pulled up to Babies 'R' Us and she swung her SUV into the 'Mommies To Be' spot, I swallowed it for the first time.  I was beginning to get the baby taste in my mouth by just thinking about all the fun we are going to have planning, prepping, and delivering this bundle of joy, but I don't know if it really set in enough to actually swallow until I saw her take advantage of that closer parking space and instantly took on the title of 'Mommy To Be'.  When we got inside, I apparently switched into Ashley-mode.  And for Baily, the Ashley-mode was on full blast.

My friend filled out the proper paperwork while I grabbed a highlighter and began highlighting the neccesities.  I grabbed brochures, coupon booklets, and organizational helpers: lists, information, helpful hints, etc.  I asked the lady if she had a checklist for my friend, then I asked for her name again - in case we needed opinion or help with something.  As far as I know, this is our first friend-baby and none of us have ever been the Mommy To Be before.  The lady looked at my friend and goes, 'geez, I think your friend over there has done this a time or two before.'  I haven't.  But I definitely watched my sister plan and pull off one of the most beautiful and detailed weddings I've ever attended.  All on her own, with the help of good friends.  Since I was one of those 'good friends' and 'helpers' I figured I might as well be my sister about it and be the one with the permanently attached folder of notes, lists, and to-do's that have been jotted down. 

The list was pretty long - there are A LOT of things you just do not think about when you think of a baby being born.  Well, maybe you do, but when you are our age and the plan was always to wait a little longer before having a baby but 'life' planned it a little early, you are pretty much blindsided with all the responsibilities that await you.  But, with the handy-dandy folder and checklist, we made it happen today.  If I was able to handle the highlighting, crossing-out, and checking-off of the list, I have confidence that when my day comes to register for a wedding and baby registry, the insanely organized lady that I channeled thru my inner-Ashley will take good care of me and I will be in good hands.

The due date is February 11th but she has been told by her ob/gyn that there is a good chance that the baby could arrive early!  I think she is so so grateful that she will not have to deal with a first pregnancy in the brutally hot summer months in Alabama.  She is 20 weeks along and is ready for the Fall season to come in full-force and cool some of the lingering summer heat.  I think she is was also grateful that we were able to start her registry at Babies 'R' Us now so that when the hustle and bustle of the holiday season arrives, she won't have to go into all-out freak-out mode. 

It was really nice to be a help to a special friend like that.  I know that my friends would do the same for any one in our very eclectic and diverse mix of friends.  A couple of us are planning her baby shower and are most excited about being able to help and make this time in her life as special as it possibly can be!  And having a baby with your one true love is pretty special!!!  She found out she is having a little girl, and her and her boyfriend both are so excited about that news.  I think the pink, lace, and little girly things are getting her more excited and you can see the glow of good anxiety in her face.  She's well aware that she is our trial-and-error friend but she is one of the most brilliant-minded and socially well people I have ever met in my entire life... there is no doubt that she will do an excellent job being a 'Mommy' to a precious baby girl.

I have had a good little boost of confidance throughout this whole ordeal, since learning of her pregnancy many weeks ago.  Since I have a few prenatal development and infant, toddler, preschool age development classes under my belt, I have found a settling assurance that I am very passionate about my studies in human/child development and family studies theories.  I have the ability to help people, and at the same time, apply that knowledge I learned in the classroom or by slaving hours and hours in the infant classrooms, toddler classrooms, and preschool centers.  But besides the serious stuff, who doesn't like 'ooh-ing and aah-ing' over teeny tiny baby things?  Come on, I think I've even seen my macho Dad get a little tickle out of a tiny baby-version Sperry Docksider.  Speaking of, I'm all in favor of this little Alabama sorostitute baby being completely decked out, head-to-toe, in Southern cuteness!

It was an exciting start to my day for sure.  I'm glad I got to go visit with friends.  There was a reunion of solid, genuine friends last night.  One drove in from Huntsville, one (I) drove from Tuscaloosa, one drove in from Memphis, one already lives in Birmingham, and the 'Mommy To Be' is in Birmingham now after relocating from Tuscaloosa a couple of months ago.  It meant a lot for us all to be together and I was glad that I could show this friend just how much she means to me. 

I guess I am also just like my Sissy in the way that I have always strived to be a good friend to people and to go out of my way to help out in any sort of time of need.  Ashley has always been a gem of a friend and even as a sister she is the best kind of friend I could ever ask for.  Sometimes I say she is bossy or she tries to 'mother me' too much, but that is just typical lingo for the youngest sibling, is it not?  She's bossy - but we're women, at some point we have to just man-handle the men when it comes to organizing and planning.  She can, in fact, be kinda anal and organizationally she is a perfectionist, but a lot would not be planned or been taken care of, without her around.  Excuse me, without her and her portable file-cabinet.  So, I took the reigns with the semi-Ashleyish organizational attempt and I think between the 'Mommy To Be' and three helping aides, I'd say we got a lot done and put a major dent in the long list of pregnancy to-dos. 

I'd be lying if I said we didn't get a little laxidasical at the end when everyone's blood sugar was getting low and it was feeding time.  But we figured that was a lot of baby stuff for one day, and they were SO not kidding when they named that gigantic store Babies 'R' Us.  I couldn't quite comprehend the thought of anything else baby-related even existing in the consumer marketplace if it wasn't part of the wall-to-wall fully-packed shelves of that superstore.  I was a little taken aback.  I will be very well-prepared to be the notetaker and checklist controller when it comes time to be crazy Aunt Baily and take Mrs. Organized to do the same thing.  I'm actually quite excited about it now!!!

peace and love

baily

relationship status

So...

Everyone seems to be wondering about my relationship status.  I guess since it changed on Facebook, it has started quite a few random conversations with friends I haven't talked to in a while.  If anyone's ever changed their status on Facebook, you know what I'm talking about.  It's inevitable, and makes me wonder if the extra conversation and strain it bears on you eventually is the reason that people don't make the switch on Facebook until a little time has passed between the couple and whatever decision they've made is. 

It's been the same way in the reverse situation, when I'm getting my butt dumped I mean.  There's always the extra strain of having to tell everyone what's going on.  Facebook sort of helps in the way that you can make this universal announcement to all who care to read.  And, as we all know since I'm a blogger and a quoter from the heart and mood of things on FB, I tend to make my life a little more public and a little less private than some do.  So, since I made a switch from the Single status to In A Relationship on Facebook, let me explain.  For those who care to read, you know? 

Well, first of all... let me begin by saying this:  I am very happy. 
Second, I know that a lot of people are probably wondering if me and someone from a past relationship have been able to reconcile the 'irreconciable differences'.  No.  I am not in any sort of happy relationship with anyone from my past.  Well, I guess, since I met the young man when I was the 4 or 5 year old flower-girl in my mother's best friend's wedding and he was a year younger - the ring-bearer and Godson of my mother's best friend.  Freaky deaky dee.

Well, the fairy Godmother worked her magic and the two of us met and I guess to put it simply, we really hit it off.  And because we are a totally techno-hip generation, we have been able to see one another pretty much everyday via Skype and if that doesn't work we have FBchat and our CrackBerry-to-iPhone correspondance to fall back on.  It works out quite nicely, he can literally Power On and Power Off depending on my mood swings, and my volume is totally controllable ;)  Now, if every boyfriend could say that then I think I would've hooked me one and obviously not have ended up with Mr. Hook-Line-And-Sinker but maybe I could've been the one more in control of the whole 'Catch 'n Release' deal.  Ya know, not been hurt so many times and maybe broken a few myself.  But anywho... we're equally smitten and sorry to not be modest but... we're totally pretty together.

I guess I have just been in need of some sort of adventure and in such need of expressing my open-heart and open-mindedness.  After a lot of searching for my true colors and learning to not be ashamed of them or afraid to show them, and after a lot of soul-searching prayer, I was led to meeting this absolutely great guy, Clay.  Clay Crutchfield.  My FB friends already knew that.  That's my whole point in writing this.

There are very strange connections between the two of us, and it's odd because of the fact that we probably snapped a picture or two together when we were the little cutie patootie types in the wedding way back when (no offense Leisa) but I literally do feel like I've known him my entire life.  I have a weird way of looking at people and taking in their first impression.  Ever since I moved away from home, I have always evaluated the first impression of someone in a sort of whimsical way I guess... I think of them as if they were a member of my nearly 900 person senior class.  Obviously, since we were large enough to round up to 900 people, I had a very diverse graduating class.  Especially since I am from a suburb of metro-Orlando.  Well, he's the first person that I have met outside of Oviedo that I would think my core group of guy buddies would groove completely on track with.  Our interests, our music, our expression, our individuality, everything.  And, he's not afraid to admit that he's loved and lost, gained the lessons and ready to go after it again.  Good for him.  Sound familiar?

I'll stop myself from rambling for another second, waiting to hear him say how frustrated he is and annoying I am when I forget to come up for air... no, I get a "you are the most interesting person I've ever met in my entire life.  I love listening to you."  Well that one left me speechless... so he goes into chatterbox mode while I take a break and digest not only the words, but the honesty behind them.  And that's why it's possible, and growing despite being 'long distance' and something that is simple and a true new beginning and it has been appropriate and respectful at one hundred percent entirety.  It's a good feeling to know that someone sees eye to eye on practically every single thing and is mature in handling decisions that require maturity to be handled correctly.  It's never been ignorant or hateful and my face has worn a smile permanently for weeks now.  Even when other things seem to get me down, I know that there will be a Skype smile with blonde McDreamy hair waiting for me  at the end of the day.  And those are the things that I deserve in life.  Someone that appreciates the simple things in life, and doesn't just boast about the big things he does (which he does the big things, but doesn't boast about it). To be honest, I've learned the difference and the difference means absolutely everything.

Like, when I made the comment that I didn't have any birthday cake this year.  Not a single sliver of a piece.  When I met him face-to-face for the first time, this was waiting on me...

look at how not-roses those pretty flowers are (no, have no idea flower terminology)

and not-pink and not-red (but my favorite (or one of)  - yellow)

and not-typical birthday cake... POUND CAKE! yummy!

i loved it :) and it meant more than he probably thought it would :)

But, on the real, if people want to think a certain way about me because I am in a new relationship then so be it because I can't control anyone's negativity or positivity toward me except my own.  And I'm excited, I'm genuinely happy and I've been able to learn so much more about myself through everything.  It wasn't until I was dumped out on my own that I truly faced a lot of my new fears and anxieties about life that have been born as a result of the fire.  I really dug deep during that time and I found the self-empowerment that I needed when I needed someone to believe in me most.  I found that in myself and I propelled myself forward and made sure that I didn't forget that little miss Baily Jordan Jones doesn't sulk over someone long, and she doesn't care who the heck it is anymore.  That's the truth.  I let a certain someone control my mind and heart for much longer than I should have once our relationship ended.  There is no way I was going to let that happen again and I stayed true to that and found myself in a very good and healthy place, and then the stars aligned for me in other ways.  So am I supposed to just let that pass me by because someone chose to dump me and I have to have some sort of courteous time and grace period for him?  Because I don't want you to think for a second that I wanted to sit around all day and cry over a guy who didn't value me and who let go of me when my life got hard.  I may have found myself sulking a few times here and there, but most of my days were lived in a new sense of freedom and used the time to turn over so many leaves of discovery.  I don't think I owed a minute of my life toward any sort of grace period.  From the day he said 'bye', I did everything for me.  I was done living for someone else that didn't want to live for me or help me out.  I deserved that much.  And I found it, and I couldn't be happier for all the tears I had to wipe away in the past to be honest.

I just don't think it should make me seem like I didn't value the relationship before this as much as I said I did.  I did.  I didn't end that relationship, but I have confidance that - sooner or later - the relationship was not going to work out.  I know that there were troubles that were unforeseeable due to the trauma I suffered from the fire that loomed around for the entire time we spent together, but now that I know the bliss of having a chance occurrence with someone I connect with totally, holistically, entirely, whatever you want to say... I guess I can agree with him now that things just weren't right.  I can think of him and wish for sunshine in his life, but things played out much differently than what I thought when the smoke was clouding everything.  It is what it is.

So, that's where I stand.  I am happy, I am excited, and I am proud of myself for the way things have played out thus far.  I do wish that I could see Clay more often, but I am very thankful for our techno-savvyness.  And luckily, he's not too into the 'controlling' thing like some people in my past have been, so he doesn't need his Power On and Power Off and volume controls too much ;)

Like I do every night, I'll be thanking God for the answered prayers, as well as the unanswered.  There is a blessing in disguise everywhere... I've just learned that you have to stop forcing the search and to keep your heart open no matter how vulnerable it may be... He really does work in mysterious ways!

peace and love

baily

 

weekly recap

in one word or phrase

to thine own self

i'm dreaming of you

now that i've found ya

song on repeat

'road to nowhere'

aa

..."i told her i loved her, she trold me shes leaving

just like every other person in my life that i've believed in

as she slammed the door and walked away i turned on my radio oohhh

and i played her a dancing song to guide her home

 i had more faith in her than her mother had in Jesus

but like Judas she rebuked my name for jewels and silver pieces....

 ...and in my darkest hour her eyes filled with desperation

 her words were sharp and her sword was swift,

Lord, i have been forsaken, by my one true love.

and i told her i loved her, she told me she's leaving.

just like every other person in my life that i've believed in.

and as she slammed the door and walked away, i turned on my radio oohhh

and i played her a dancing song to guide her home."

gotta write it down

in everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.

it is then rekindled by an encounter with another human being.

-albert schweitzer (france)

lesson learned

don't make someone a priority when they make you an option

picture to frame

tailgating on the quad @ ua w/ friends chism, brooke, and lauren

highlight of the week

getting in touch with some old friends who i have dearly, dearly missed

weekend plans

(since i'm always late, i'll do weekday plans)

- find part-time job
- go to post office
- finish 2 outlines and work on case study
- work on curtains

peace and love
bai

fill in the blank friday

1. The first thing I do in the morning is walk Mildred when I have her.  Or now, go start a pot of coffee and set my alarm for 12 more minutes. Yes, 12. I don't know why.
2. Every night before bed I listen to John Lennon or Joshua Radin; say my prayers; count my blessings.

 
3. My favorite thing to do when I'm having a bad day is talk to one of those special people that can change your mood from sad or mad to happy just by being them!

4. Something that makes me cringe is this court case about the Petit family.  How brutal and awful!

5. Social situations are my stage.

6. I like to collect vinyl records.

7. Weekends are for resting, here lately.

 

peace and love

baily

good riddance

As a lot of the harder events in life do, the fire really taught me who my true friends are.  I know I probably sound like a horribly scratched vinyl when I say that, but it is getting to the point where my entire record album of friendships is one of those that you just have to stop spinning, stop trying to clean it up, and stop trying to rub out the scratches.  Sometimes, we are just scratching it up even more and are going nowhere fast.  Other times, the needle of the record player gets damaged... that sensitive, little, tiniest part of the whole record player is the needing and that is the feeling that makes the music come out of the record player.  It touches down on the vinyl, it glides around and around taking each scratch like a blunt force to the heart and the sound is not anywhere close to the delight of a vinyl like Shakedown Street.  It ruins the whole jam.  Then the crackling noise of the scratches is painful to everyone listening. 

Sometimes it's not just the breakups and makeups that tear our heart apart or put it back together.  Friendships are usually the core of any little socialite's being.  Of course my family is my backbone.  My mom, dad, and sister are each individually one of my best friends and favorite people to spend my time with - on their own levels and in shape of different dynamics with me.  And boyfriends have always been my best buds.  Some of them were already that way and some of them grew, at a rapid pace, into that.  So friendship, in essence, is a large part of every single relationship, no matter what the dynamic is, that I have ever had in life.

Friendships mean more to me than a lot of values even.  That's how important it is to me to be taken seriously as a friend and it explains my need to have these friends of mine understand how serious I am in my feelings toward them.  For example, there are those "questions of rhetoric" like 'what would you grab if your house was on fire?' and 'who would you take a bullet for?'" that we all liked to ask and rev up conversations when we were younger.  When people ask me who I would take a bullet for, I usually say 'just about anybody!'  I'm not going to die for the criminal types that have made taking gunshots for friends a rhetorical topic.  How unfortunate, really.  But, I say 'just about anybody' because I know where I am going when I time out.  My mom and dad do, my sister does, and I hope that any of my friends that are standing around watching me bleed-out for the sake of another also know that I am headed homeward when my earthly life ends.  To be a hero, no.  I wouldn't be able to feel the recognition I may be honored with by taking a bullet.  To save one single life of 'just anybody' I would rip the worlds apart of my loved ones?  No, I would hope that whether it saved a single soul at all, it would be a testament to my faith and that more souls would trust God in this mean, cruel world and that it would be a testament to the love and admiration I have always had for people I recognize as my friends.

The love is big and bountiful that I have for the people in my life.  The ones that I want to spend my precious time with.  The ones who I want to spend that time with and have them consider it more precious for having me around.  The friends that I would take bullets for or that I'd even set fire to my new room for if it meant keeping them out of harms away.

But not for the friends who are the ones with the loaded gun pointed at me.  I'm not going to keep taking the bullet when I'm walking around with a target on my heart like it's the first day of hunting season.  I keep doing it to myself, and I am just simply 'done' with it.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, I saw my family change for the better in so many ways.  It didn't happen over night though and it didn't happen at any free expense.  We paid for it, because to truly develop and turn over these leaves in life you have to be willing to be realistic about things and the reality is that you have to deal with the rain to get the rainbow.  I didn't understand it as a 6th grader, but the difficult times are what produce a lot of knowledge people have as far as who their true friends are.  God wouldn't put us through difficult times if it didn't have the potential to make this great discovery and reinvention.  My parents truly found out who some of their best friends were and weren't when they were struggling with loads and loads of emotion and anxieties.  Of course most of their friends called them when they heard about dad's diagnosis.  These people were still human-beings, they just weren't best friends like they may have been thought of prior.  But is a true friend someone who is probably genuinely sorry when they call to say sorry, but then act as if the cancer went away the next day?  I mean, yeah, that day we heard the news our lives changed wholely and drastically, but wait a minute, where'd everyone go 6 months later?  This is getting hard now!  The reality of being a cancer patient with needles in the arm, extra traveling days to see doctors and more days on top of the days of work I never missed that I spend away from the girls.  More exhaustion.  More fear.  More anxiety. 
I just don't get it... do you have to be like me and go through all this 'crap' in life in order to understand the needs of others in a friendship?  It's a 2 way street.  Sometimes the street lights go out, sometimes it's a block party, but at the end of every night it's a street.  Friendships are like that.  There are darker times, fixable problems, and sometimes they are full of fun in every shape and size.  But it's a friendship, at the end of the day.

That's why my true friends are the ones that understand this fire is still not over for me.  No one understands it because they have never been through a fire.  It is hard to understand the needs of one human when it's atypical of the human experience.  I mean, the fire-fighters put out the flames and the fire is over.  Let bygones be bygones, right guys?  No.  That's not how it works.  And everytime you are so insensitive to that fact, the flames that still haunt me just flare up and it's like pouring kerosene straight to a match. 

The past two days have been quite the learning experience as I have tried to propell onward from some of the devastating results of April's fire.  Friendships that went to the gutter were laid upon me and I so badly wanted to go back to the 'old ways' and have a good time with a friend who used to mean so much to me.  I was getting to hang out with a group of friends that ought to know how cherished they are.  And I was finally going to let my recent hardwork and self-discipline of staying in, get to go out and have a good time to see a band that I have grown to really super-duperly love.

But the consideration was a one-way street.  I made plans days ago so that it might actually happen, and that's what you do (I thought) to show that you really wanted it to happen.  But it didn't.  And I can choose to be a bitch about it or I can choose to just let it go and give myself an A for effort.  If this certain friend didn't want to go, he could've told me before I was blow-drying my hair in an effort to spend some good, quality time with an old friend, a group of gals, and one amazing band (and that's extra effort because I usually let it dry out the window while on the 52mile trek to Birmingham).

I'm disappointed by others, but not in the way I am about a certain friend.  The others have priorities and lives that allow for changes in plans because of things that 'just happen' when you have a seriously committed relationship and prior commitments, etc.  But, it still is nice to know before last minute that this night you looked forward to all week is just a no-go.

Then, to know that my ex-boyfriend will be there -who is a music-idiot and has no appreciation for the band who is playing, just gave me plenty of reasons not to go.  Not like I'd be showing up in any true 'fashion' with friends who don't want to be there and a head full of wisdom knowing that I'm a better person for trying than not. 

But I'm throwing in the towel and hanging up the cleats with this game.  The music-idiot can do his stupid dance that always made me uneasy with second-hand embarassment all he wants with my new favorite band playing and the lead singer singing the lyrics that tell a story far more invigorating than any flat, one dimensional thrill he ever gave me as my boyfriend.  Because if I was there, flower-dancing and shoutin' hollers at my Chapel Hill musicians I'd be all smiles and I'd be gone to Carolina in my mind because those sweet tunes are all things new and make me think of the new and adventurous life that I found the very same weekend that I found my love for the band I'm talking about.  I'd be bouncing around the room like a leprachuan who found a pot of gold, because I did - and I am a field of four leaf clovers lucky!

I'm just not going to put myself in those situations though.  Not when I know I have a better life elsewhere and that waiting it out and not being hurt by friends who are not so and trying to make old friendships spark again.

Some things just won't catch fire, and other things that aren't supposed to, do.  The flames of these friendships are not catching fire and blazing any paths for me in my life, so I'm just going to stop trying to do it all myself.  Because there is someone who has reminded me that good people do exist and that people DO find my interesting enough to not only want to get to know me, but truly know me, and therefore they know how deeply hurt I am by the shallowness of friendships that I thought were much deeper than they actually are.

I guess when you play it safe in the kiddie pool, the shallow end of the real pool seems deeper than imaginable when you promote yourself to the bigger world.  Then you hang out in the 3foot waters and you realize that the real fun is in the deep end with the grown-ups.

I know the dangers of the deep end and I know there are things in the deep end that are harder to see than in the shallow.  But what's the fun in not taking a risk and exploring new waters?  To be honest, it's not just more fun, more thrilling, and representative of going to the next level, it's just better than all the games and chaos that go on with the immature people in the pool's shallow end.  That's exactly what I don't need.

A lot of people who have had to go through things and lose the magnitude of "things" that I did in that room would want to play it safe.  Maybe not even get their toes wet yet, and I understand that because it's far more emotional that anyone can comprehend. ( And y'all, when I say the 'magnitude', I mean HUGE. I say that because A  LOT was in that room. The fact that I did not have any storage space whatsoever means that what I owned is what I lost, and I've always been more than grateful for the great amount of stuff I was blessed with. But like I say, he giveth. And he taketh.)
But, as I plunge into new beginnings everyday, I choose NOT to play it safe.  I'm diving headfirst into waters that I trust, with blind faith, are deep.  I jumped off a cliff with the hope that it would make a splash for ME and whoever else was at the bottom waiting on me. 

And sometimes, someone else is down at the bottom in those deep waters that aren't visited much by a lot of people.  Because you have to jump without being afraid to fall and it's not 'what everybody else is doing' and it's looked at as 'crazy' or running away from something.  It's just not that way, and if it was I still wouldn't care what others thought about me.  Why start now? 

So if people want to say I'm not a good friend because I chose tonight to hang up the cleats and not start another game, then so be it.  Those are the very people that think I just like to chase tornadoes and put myself into a stirred mess of drama.  They are the ones who say I'm crazy for jumping into something I know nothing about, but I know they are secretly admiring my tenacity to go after the new and exciting.  And that's why I can sleep at night, because I chose to KNOW these people.  I chose to listen to their needs and try to be there to help them with those needs whenever I could.  I know that deep down they are good people and will make many friends because their personality is charming and witty and they can make almost anyone laugh on the worst day of their life, and the one that couldn't understand the emotional attachment I have to music will too because he's like the ledge-step in the deep end.  You think you're in uncharted waters and as deep and expansive as you can possibly be and then you realize you're not but on a step, a safety zone, that is the edge of something even more exasperating - if you let go.

I let go of him because he would not look at life as an adventure.  I'm letting go of the funny guy because sometimes life gets serious and there are things that happen between friends that can't be fixed with a 459876th trip to the same bar, doing the same thing that has always been done for 5 years now.  I was willing to drive the hour to Birmingham to do something out of the ordinary and to dance to a sweet little tune or two.  No, no one has heard of them and I had never heard of them either, until I found the place where I was going to make my dive head-first.  But now I'm in LOVE with this band and just wanted to bring the kind of friends that would enjoy them with me, to a place out of the ordinary and to hear some music that is new to everyone.  But does that make it any worse?  No.  Am I upset that I am not hearing the band right now?  No.  I am, I've actually heard more than I would have since it's a never-ending playlist of mine now.  But am I upset that some friends fail to see that this was about much more than a band from North Carolina?  Yes.  Am I going to put in the unreciprocated effort anymore?  Nope, this blog post was all I've got.

I like swimming in my new life's waters.  A little bit from my past, a lot of bit undiscovered.  It's funny how I found it on the same exact sand that was under my toes when I saw the ocean for the first time... as a little little girl.  It is the same body of water that I grew up beside in Florida, but the ocean brings on new life from every different perspective and I have a good one now.  I understand the world a lot better than before, and that is because I made this commitment to let this fire develop me rather than unravel me.

He unraveled other things, but developed me.  If I am put down for further developing myself then I am only given more proof that everyone needs a little fire in their life, in one way or the other.  I already had passions in life that were on fire: children with special needs, journalism, music.  And I already had more than 3 dimensions to me, but I didn't let the fire burn me down to just 3 - how normal would that be.  So maybe some of my  growth also lies in cutting some ties.  And the way some people have acted and used the knife to the back tactic, I'm going to show that I'm a bigger person by just nipping it with some child-proof scissors.  When I picked the things of my past that I wanted to bring to the future, I left the mean snake-in-the-grass sneaky Baily, wait no - I left her in high school, I left the ridiculous sometimes too dramatic Baily.  Now, I deal with the drama that is needed and typical of anyone that chooses to display feeling and emotion in their life. 

And I don't deal with the drama that isn't needed.

peace and love

baily

good riddance

una cancion para ti

que hacer buena musica juntos

me gustas

paz y amor

bai 

Do you ever just have those days when you feel something come over me and you HAVE to take care of it or you cannot find a stride in anything else because this "thing" is

such a B U R D E N ?!?

Oh Em Gee. If I am not having one of those days today. 

I've had this same burden on my heart like 3 or 4 different days the past 2 weeks.

I don't mind this burden though, because it's not prohibiting me to be happy.

It's not distress.  But it's emotion packed, completely. 

Every single day when I wake up, I feel like it is my job to tell everyone I talk to WHY I love them so much.  Not THAT I love them so much.  They know that, or ought to know that, because if I'm going out of my way to talk to them then I am probably in love with them already.  Family, friends, lovers, even people I am unsure about but want to offer second and third chances to.  Here lately, like I said in my post a couple of days ago, I learned how to play poker as far as life goes.  No, not with cards.  But knowing who and what situations and what major events in life that I'm going to hold and fold. 

But no, no real poker princess here... I was never gentle-spirited or patient enough for any of my guy friends to teach me poker or pool.  Most people are surprised by the fact that I can play no card game whatsoever, not just poker, and I don't even know how to HOLD a pool stick.  I always just fetched the beers for everyone and asked entertaining questions to keep the conversation random.  But the poker I did learn, like I said, is about life.  When I mean who and what situations and what events, etc. I mean that in the simplest way possible - that's one of the generalized lessons that underly every specific meaning and theme that I've discovered as I filter through the smoke. 

Who. 

I learned SO vividly WHO was important to me and my life after that fire.  I would have been completley blinded by these false friends still if I didn't endure and press on after that very traumatic event, unless something else came and hit me like a ton of bricks to teach me what I needed to be taught.  I am GLAD I have the knowledge that I have now.  Was I glad then? Hell no!  I mean, I can totally handle the thought of being mislead by a couple of then-very-groovy guy friends.  I mean that based on the holistic friendship I thought I had but even if I only mean it that I could have used the physical strength as I moved bins and boxes and random whatnots from fire scene to Trussville to hotel back to fire house and ESPECIALLY that horrid (now friggin' hilarious) day of moving out of the 1008 pad.  I also learned the bittersweets, like, with Chace.  I learned for a while, how to love someone on a grown-up level and practice maturity - and for once receive it finally- and how to come to terms with the truth I have always known but became blurred by the fire... you can't force feelings.  I couldn't force myself to love him when he so badly wanted to be with me during our different phases over the past 5 years.  I couldn't force him to still look at me in the same ways that he once did.  He waited around for a long, long time on me and continued to give me 2nd chances (and 3rd and 4th..) time and time again when I would 'toy' with the 'idea' of being in a relationship with him and then would run off before I let seriousness creep in to the casuality that I longed for with him for so long.  Then, he put up with a lot of distress that I displayed because of the events on April 13th and how then never subsided, but instead, RAPIDLY and VICIOUSLY multiplied.  Like, oh. my. goodness.  I couldn't get away.  I could run from a bumble bee -or hell, I could squash the pesty thing, and still turn around and run square into a hornet's nest and get absolutely swarmed.  And since, I didn't bring on that distress myself (which we all know is rare, I usually voluntarily leave my paddles behind for reasons none of us know and dive headfirst into the deepest stretches of shit creek - no lie) But since I didn't bring them on, I expected them to all be forgivable and I saw no act of nobleness until now.  I have apologized for taking some of that stress out on the people closest to me.  It is something I hate about myself.  And part of why I have this conviction to tell my appreciation.  The fire also showed me that I do not give my hometown friends the credit that they deserve.  For a lot of people, coming to college means leaving your childhood behind and making this woman life for yourself.  You get your MRS. degree, you bake cookies and pack lunches, you have babies, and you play tennis and meet the gals for lunch.  The college gals.  Your pledge sisters, your barmates, your best friends that formed over powdered donutes at 3am that you convinced one another fed you well enough for the exam you crammed for together, whoever it was that made college the hell of a time that it is.  And then for others, people like ME, college isn't where I found the gals.  Well, I was IN college, but it wasn't AT my college.  I have a higher respect for 'the boriquas' than I would have if I didn't feel the closeness between us all during that difficult time. (And that is not a racial slur, it's an inside joke adopted by the coolest people in the world and completely endorsed by our true boriquas (people from Puerto Rico).  I was reminded who my best friends are, who my love isn't, who my love could be, and who shaped me, molded me, guided me, and saved me.  I've always thanked my Savior.

WHAT SITUATIONS.

Basically, I let things go now.  I listened to McCartney, Lennon, Starr, and Harrison and think that they are life's finest philosophers, really.  I let it be.  I remember what that all truly entails when I refrain from arguing, when I have a refined and polished view of my passions and the things that are truly worth fighting for, and I know the difference between a situation that needs me to keep quiet and a situation that is appropriate enough for me to raise my voice.  I've come to realize that maturity (nature) and my experience with the fire, amongst others too (nurture) have both been working actively at growing me up.  I can literally feel myself growing up if that makes sense.  I guess what I mean is, I am a better self-advocate because I have affirmation that I am a strong and bold and courageous person.  I have that affirmation because I witnessed myself make it out alive, basically.  But more specifically, I outwardly expressed my passion in finding out WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME and why did it happen WHEN IT DID?  I just kept thinking, for most of the day on April 14th, 'damn, momma was right. momma was always right. there IS a reason i'm still in school. i ain't learned it all yet i guess.' Umm.. I have never been more right in my entire life. Er, mom hasn't. Well, yeah.. I guess she has.. she's right about a lot of things and I am not so weird for me and not weird for her I guess I should say.  I know I probably look like this cheeseball of a young woman with my journals and blogs and yearning free-spirit and dreamcatcher attitude but I don't really care... it's working.

Spirit: currently free

Dreams: some caught; currently catching more.

WHAT MAJOR EVENTS.

Right now, I have had to focus on the fire.  It's funny how I was given the fire when I finally gave notion that I can take the bad events and make them good because I am thankful for the results in my personal life and family life that are products of daddy's diagnosis.  But with that said, I'm not trying to get a flood or struck by lightning tonight, Lord.

Anyways....

It doesn't take my child development expertise to know that nature doesn't make us entirely who we are and either does nurture.  Some crazy, psycho extremist like to think otherwise, but us normal people who seem to be the most passionate and impacting people in the bizz-nass say that it is BOTH.  That's why I included that little shout out up there.  So, let me get on my soapbox, hold on.

Ok, thanks for the good looking genes Mom and Daddy.  You are hard to live up to, Zel, but I rock the red lipstick and try.  Dad, you are a handsome man. And no, I'm not asking for money.

But the other part of life, my nurtured side, is a result of the love and support that my 2 biggest fans, well 3 because you can't forget our most important Father, but the experiences in life are a lot richer than the nature I think.  I mean, for the extremo weirdo out there, let me say that I am thankful for the nature side in evolutionary fact that I was MADE into a human being.  Because if 'psychoscientifically' I was born a little mouse or something I'd be super confused and extra psychotic if I didn't know how to "feel" and "express myself creatively" and I would hate SO BAD to feel that small in the world.  It's headache enough at 5'3"/100lb.  But, I am far more ME in terms of quirks, whimsical ways, boldness, secureness, lovingness, and on and on and on... you know - all the things ya feel! I exist because of nature, and I am because of nurture, and the love of God being "life itself" because it is the only thing that is both. The balance between life and death.  We had to come up with a quote in one of my education classes.  I thought it was my lucky day until we were given the blank piece of paper to jot it down on.  Some girls took the easy way out and I felt confidant that I probably knew more quotes than everyone in this room put together and I could blow this one of the water.  Then my pencil wouldn't move.  Funny how my journaling pens take off but those pencils, those schoolhouse #2s man... they get me. Ha. But I decided to not use a Maslow or Freudian quote just because we were to jot down a quote (original or one that inspires you) and share it with the class - as long as it had to do with the class, which was Creative Concepts and Development for Young Children.  Love that class.  I came with an original.  See, I can quote others and I'm reversible! You can quote me! ;) I doubt I'll be sprinkled around Facebook like Carrie Bradshaw and Marilyn Monroe are for girls and Robert Frost and Henry David Thoreau are for boys.  (Ours seem so much more fabulous!)

I just went major off-roading huh. Well, that's what I believe to be true. So let's go on.

I really do believe in the experiences in life.  The divine ones. The bad ones. The ones that leave you in shock - good shock and bad chock. The amazing experiences - the ones you can't live without but you know you are lucky to have even had them. The humbling. The life-changing. The ones you wish you could flush down the toilet.  Because let's face it, the experiences can sometimes leave you so high like sinking the ping pong in the greased-rimmed bowl that seemed impossible and laughing in the carni-man's face and then being haunted by the carni-man laughing at you as Nemo gets flushed down the drain.

Seems like one of those bitter-sweet things I was talking about.  But isn't that what life is?  Are we supposed to lock ourselves in isolation and only see the shallow beauty of the walls that pad us?  I'm supposed to quit trying and never experience being loved and adored again by a guy just because I ought to know by now that my heart is capable of being shredded to pieces?  Or is not inspiring to most everyone when we see a cancer survivor grabbing the world by the lapels and crossing out things on their Bucket List left to the right?  I am so fortunate for good health and the blessings I have in that department, but I'm a survivor in a different way and I, at one time, felt like I was uncurable, untreatable, and I sure as hell did not know how to administer my OWN disease-management.  It was either attacking me or I was in a phase of remission.  It wasn't killing me slowly.  No, not my bad experiences in life... they bite me out of nowhere like when Forrest said the bullet just jumped up and bit him.  In the buttocks.  I was getting canonballs, on the real.

But I survived and I'm gonna start living like I should and not like I could if I didn't want to honor the strength nature and nurture gave me.  The support of others.  The grace of God.  The love of the people who I need to receive love from and good riddance to the ones that I don't.  I am just a new person altogether and I don't want people in my life that are going to bring me down.  The toxicity is too poisonous for me.  I don't have the anti-venom to deal with it and I know exactly who the snakes in the my life's grass are.  Because they are SNEAKY and they are TEMPTATION seekers and they either flare up like a cobra or will turn on you right when you think you have the coolest ball python pet-friend in the world.  A snake is a snake.  They bite you.

But some people don't bite you. And you don't want to give them the big "Bite Me" line and flip 'em a bird.  They make you want to be a better person.  They make you want to grow up and think about the things in life that really matter - friends, family, security, growth, happiness, and all the other things.  And once you get to the part of your life that all of this becomes so extremely clear and easy to see, you develop the next thing and that is this conviction I am talking about.  This good burden that I wake up with that tells me to write a letter, pay $.44 to send a one-liner or inside joke on the back of a post card a mile down the street so a friend can get some snail mail and maybe make her day better since she makes yours better, and they make you want to pick up the phone and have the awkward phone etiquette and not care because you got to catch up with an old partner-in-crime.  So, if you haven't received a phone call or a post card or a letter, I pretty much hate you.  Haha, just kidding...

No but I do enjoy other things like: being lazy, procrastinating, getting assignments done, obsessing over sports, and blogging other random shenanigans.  So, give me some time.  It DOES NOT mean that I hate you or that I love you any less.  I also have not half-assed some of my important and sincere and most convicting ones.  I wrote a 15 page letter to the Pastor of First Baptist Trussville a couple of days ago and put it in the mail today.  I've written letters to people age 2 to 82 so I have a lot of people to cover and a lot of other things on my agenda too... and hey, I'm not perfect so I'll go ahead and admit it.... changing your attitude about life, being humbled by God, and being blessed with a blank slate means that there are a lot of convictions that you have to take care of in order to put your old self behind you.  Because on the straight and narrow, you can't just turn 90 degrees and make a half-way change in yourself and then start walking forward.  No, you'd be walking DIRECTLY off path.  I mean, I'm taking a road less traveled and all but I'm going to stick with the northbound direction on this North/South bound path we all get our own version of.  The idea of just turning around and going N instead of S makes this 90 degree turn a completely straight shot on the East-West bound unmarked course.  Uhhh.. NO THANKS!

(We all know how great I was at getting lost on those cross-country trail runs.  I spent most of my Monday nights one thing and that was, simply lost!)

But God is blazing my trail.  Quite literally.  The puns aren't intended.  But we do use fire as a figure of speech a lot.  And LORD HAVE MERCY with the SONGS that mention fire.  Holy moly!  I mean, those experiences are the ones you gotta just look into the eye and send the flames back to hell.  Go to hell, my foe.  Thanks for all of these lessons, but I'll be on my way now!

And I am on my way now.  Not just alive.  Alive and well.  And that is the not-so bitter-sweet but the sweet-sweet.

Peace and Love

Baily

a word (or quote) from daisy alter-ego



My makeup is many different people and many different experiences. 

 I believe in making things so personal,

that they become universal.

-Radcliffe Bailey

be the change,

daisy