I'm Moving On

"I've loved like I should
And lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm moving on "

-rascal flatts

mi vida, en realidad (my life, actually)

I have not been a very active blogger lately and I am completely aware of it.  Sometimes things get busy or the stars align in other ways and we are too busy living and experiencing and we have to wait until things slow down in order to update the blog and all.  That's very much what has been going on with me.  Between schoolwork and entertaining a suprise guest, I just not have found a sweet little window of time to get some things off of my chest.

In time's past, when I say I have to unload the thoughts and burdens that are bothersome, it has come out in an unorganized mess that is usually an honest depiction of the process in which most my thinking occurs.  Anywho, I have a lot on my mind to say the least: some makes me happy, some makes me sad, and some have not been figured out entirely so I'm not exactly sure what sort of affect they will have on me.  

For starters, school is going well.  I have to admit that it is sometimes aggravating having to live in what is remnants of the fire and doing the things and sort of assignments I was doing before they were items to be added to my insurance claims check. But, Forrest Gump said it best... shit happens.

Speaking of FG, I watched that movie recently.  Actually, I watched all 3 of my favorite movies this week.  Almost Famous, Forrest Gump, and (500) Days of Summer.  Wow.  I couldn't tell you the last time I watched 3 DVDs in one week.  I know I have, because I have always been a movie girl and my sister was the television show gal.  But 3 in one week?  That happened NEVER when my world was the twilight zone.  Thank goodness for having that little luxury back in my life.  And where I thought Mr. Clay was going to be my music-man, he's turned out to be a pretty groovy movie watcher, too.  I have truly missed that for a while now, and it's good to have that back!

Something that has me flustered is that, to put it simply, Dancing With The Stars is absolutely awful this year. Please give me some lovelies to look at like Erin and Pamela if the dances are going to be just as sub-par to last season as the line-up is, but compared to Michael Bolton and The Situation, I would rather watch Jake Pavelka prancing around like a pansie again.  Or, maybe not.  I do like that Sarah Palin is in the stands and that Levi Johnston is banned from the audience.  And even though I was like the very last person of people my age to jump aboard the Jersey Shore boat, and despite the grossed-out near-nausea affect that The Situ & his boys have on me, I'm with my Sissy - I am in love with Snooki.  She cracks me up... and WHO cannot LoVe the fact that she called out our Pop-star Pres on the taxing of tanning beds.  Maybe it's that or maybe it's when she goes into an all-out fit fest she reminds me I'm not the only crazy bia-bia about there. Ha, jk. Maybe.

Oh yeah, speaking of fancy-prance Jake, did I ever let y'all know that I switched to "Team Vienna" after the spectacle he made of himself when he showed us what a d-word he was?  Yes, my ex-boyfriend in high school may or may not have had his transgressions with her... but we all can change... but none of us gals deserve to be treated like that.  "Undermine me?"  Sadly, the term was used with me.  Saddest part, after Jake had already used it and it be viewed by said person accusing me of the underminement. (Is that a word?? I do not know.)

And lastly, what do you do when you can't find the words to say to somebody?  There are two people that I don't know what to say.  One, I want to say goodbye to and leave the friendship that he left behind, but I want to do it with a little bit more grace than he did.  Maybe the reason there are no words is because he doesn't deserve another try and he doesn't deserve my friendship that fuels the need to say what I feel anyway.  So maybe I will just stay silent about that.  Still, I hope he never treats someone the way he has treated me.  But at the same exact time, I hope he can be a lighthouse to another life and safely guide lost ships to shore.  That's what he was for me.  He listened to me but made me hear the music of my own uniquness and that's what gave me the bubbly life of Baily back and what has kept me dancing throughout even the saddest of songs.  But I guess he doesn't neccessarily have to be amongst the ones dancing with me.  'Tis a shame, I would have been a good friend to him and he's chosen to not only have no desire for it, but has no desire to display any decency in listening to what I have to say or to know the new me.  The one that had to roll with the punches and adapt to some major friggin' changes in life.  Some HUGE ones.  Like, Ms. Gump said 'You have to put the past behind you in order to move on' and she's never been more right in her life.  Well, other than the other uber-brilliant lines she is quoted in that extra-uber-brilliant film.  But of course I've changed, better yet - I've improved, and I think that my Faith is what has me to continue on praying for him and the absolutely unneeded dramatic situation, and above all, a life full of happiness - even though most people think I'm batshit crazy for still caring about him.  I guess, once a Bobby McGee always a Bobby McGee.  But like most songs, interpret it as you will
The other, just sort of leaves me speechless for all the POSITIVE reasons.  Just the little things in life that are noticed and put into action without structured planning of so... the laughter that I would have NEVER known was missing until I realized I truly had it back... the ability to be oneself around someone unfamiliar yet more familiar and real than you can even describe, the affirmation that everything happens for a reason, and how pretty the glow of a candle can be after all, and the simplicity of knowing that fire can, in fact, be enjoyed when it's lighting the scene for reheated leftovers with someone special enough to WANT to know me, the REAL me.  And what really leaves me speechless... I've never been so honest about myself with someone in my entire life.  I surprise myself at the things I will tell him.  But they are safe - those secrets are. And any signs of jadedness on my heart are not from him, but he respects them.  I'll be able to put it in an understandable statement one day I reckon.  'Til then, I'll live my days with the appreciation for the people who not only want to build a friendship and relationship with me but they are willing to do it with a leap of faith.  While others, they turn their back on a true intent to be friends with not only him but the people he values with love, including the obviously highly thought of girlfriend of his.  I guess I was a part of a completely different friendship and I guess no matter what I do, or say, people will think of me the way THEY WANT TO think of me. 

And then others, think of me as - to put it simply - worth it.

Oh yeah, to get you caught up to speed with other ramblings: I have a renewed zest for learning Spanish again, I am DYING to get my hands on a personal project and turn it into something that makes a BIG DIFFERENCE for a charitable organization that I am PASSIONATE about, and I can't wait to see my family and get THE MILLIE GIRL back tomorrow.  .  . yes, be prepared for a Momma who has missed 'The Pig' and who will ALSO be getting her digi-cam back and you know what happened last time, don't you? When Mildred and I were reunited post-fire, and the digi-cam was replaced the first go-round (before the Target idiot broke the brand new thing), I ended up taking boo-koos of pictures. 

But it's not like she makes it hard to 'oOoH' and 'aAaAh' over, let's be for serious now...

peace and love

baily

and there's nothing wrong with the way that she moves;

or scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues

what a perf song chico

spread the love wednesday

LOVE

 is like listening to music

from another room...you sing along

because you like the song, but then the

door closes and a train passes by. 

You can't hear it anymore, but

you keep on singing the song. 

Then, the door opens and you

can finally listen again.

peace and love
bjj

my favorite song today:  one day at a time by deana carter

I've got a friend that wears go-go boots to Sunday School

We used to sit and drink pink champagne on a tin roof

Ridin' it out in a Thunderbird,

Singin' out loud every single word of Jack & Diane

Tryin' to pretend there was no rules

Kissin' on boys and sneakin' in bars

Tryin' to get a glimpse of who we are

We weren't wild, but we weren't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

She graduated in 1987

We were gonna make a break for it together

Headed out to Hollywood, where the stars are bright and the weather's good

But she changed her mind and went back to the 7-11

She went and married the football star

Had a few kids and works real hard

It ain't wild, but it ain't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at time...

Hey Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Jesus and John Wayne, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

Like John Lennon and Kennedy

I'm with them, yeah, 'cause I believe

You gotta make history one day a time.

una cancion para ti

que hacer buena musica juntos

me gustas

paz y amor

bai 

one hand in my pocket

i'm broke but i'm happy
i'm poor but i'm kind
i'm short but i'm healthy yeahhh
i'm high but i'm grounded
i'm safe but i'm overwhelmed
i'm lost but i'm hopeful baby

what it all comes down to is that everythings fine, fine, fine
because i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a high five

oh yeah

and what it all boils down to my friend, is that everything is quite alright
because i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a PeAcE sign

ya, i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a high five

i love when my american idol homegirl (crystal) sings that song. i just felt like writing the lyrics, that's all. and i may or may not have sung it in the shower every single day this week.

i wish i was getting to see crystal bowersox at golden gate park in san francisco at the power to the peaceful festival.  isn't this festie logo the best you've seen lately? if i were there, i'd buy the tee-shirt, on the real.

download bowersox's  'up to the mountain'

if you like a little soul music that reminds you of amzing grace on sunday mornings

peace and love

baily 

speaking words of wisdom, in the music

I have been in a pretty moving relationship lately.  There isn't just one guy though; there are several of them! Ohh yaaa.  I spend my time with some of them when I'm studying and I've developed such a need for them when I hit the books.  Some of my time is spent with them right before I go to bed, I let them put me to sleep.  Others I get to spend time with on random chance, because I hear from them when I'm driving 'Buster' around town. 

My boyfriends lately have been, John, Kurt, Jack, Trey, Joshua, and Tom.

Then I've had a little girl action from Norah and Ingrid and Miranda.

I'm having a pretty loving and steady relationship with my music here recently. 
My tunes seem to keep me focused on school, and they sing me to sleep from my laptop's speakers, as well as entertain me on my daily commutes via the radioshow.
Ohhh, I miss my vinyl though. :(

John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Jack Johnson, Trey Anastasio & Phish, Joshua Radin, and Tom Petty.

My lesbian lovers have been Norah Jones and Ingrid Michaelson and Miranda Lambert.

When I listen to them, they make it okay that I'm one of those girls that didn't quite "get it" the way the rest of the crowd seemed to.  They sing to me and make me feel like it's okay that I am the way I am, and that it's all good that I have a way of seeing things that everybody else is just afraid to dream of.
They make me feel like I should embrace that face that I'm to the girl with her belly-button showing, that wears Old Spice deodorant, and has an extremely raspy voice.

Everyone's life is a playlist of all sorts.  I've blogged about my unusual, unpredictable, and completely random genre of music interests.  My life's playlist is full of country, oldies, bluegrass, feminism, and free-spiritedness.  It's happy, sad, confusing, exhilarating, inspirational, honest, ridiculous and soul-filled; and the best part about it is that it all means something to me and makes me who I am. 

It's what everyone is talking about when they refer to dancing to the beat of a different drum.  I'm the different drummer.  I'm the painter who abstractly throws paint in a chaotic mess of color and darkness and I leave some sort of blankness in order to recognize the unfinished business I have in my life journey.  The songs I haven't yet mastered... the ones out West, or up North, or in the LoneStar state, or under the mother sun at home or near home in la Floridad. Who knows... and WHO CARES?

The first year of this blog it was all about WHERE AM I GOING? And, HOW AM I GOING TO GET THERE?  And I made myself sick of hearing myself say "WHO AM I? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT? WHO SHOULD I BE WITH? SHOULD I LOVE HIM OR LOVE HIM?"

My music has spoken and it's time to do this: let it be.

Yep, the Beatles have spoken and though shall listen to something as BIG as them, right!?

So along with - LET IT BE - I also learned that all we need is love and that when I think of yesterday and while my guitar gently weeps, I must remember that all things must pass.  They've also taught me to don't ever change and that it feels good to be free as a bird.  I know that I'll be on my way if I'll follow the sun. I've got a feeling that this won't be the last tough time I will have in my life, so that's all right, I've had a revolution with myself and I'm ready to go across the universe to find a ticket to ride the long and winding road.  I have the inner light that I need to the end.  There are things I wish I could tell others, but maybe I can leave what the Beatles have taught me with this....
to know her is to love her
tomorrow never knows
i should have known better
and I get by with a little help from my friends.

I'll tell you about some of my other boyfriends and what they sing to me tomorrow.

peace and love
bai

she's a magical, sparkling tease

she's a rainbow choking the breeze

yo, she's busting out onto the scene

with nightmare bogus poetry

she's melted avocado on the shelf

she's the science of herself

she's spazzing out on a cosmic level

and she's meditating with the devil

she's cooking salad for breakfast

she's got tofu the size of Texas

she's a witness to her own glory

she's a never-ending story

she's a frolicking depression

she's self-inflicted obsession

she's got a thousand lonely husbands

she's playing footsie in another dimension

she's a goddess milking her time

for all that it's worth

-beck

song on repeat - my girl miranda

"More Like Her"

She's beautiful, in her simple little way.

She don't have too much to say when she gets mad.

She understands, she don't let go of anything.

Even when the pain gets really bad.

I guess I should've been more like that.

You had it all, for a pretty little while.

And somehow you made me smile when I was sad.

You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart,

And then you realized you wanted what you had.

I guess I should've been more like that.

I should have held on to my pride.

I should have never let you lie.

I guess you got what you deserve.

I guess I should've been more like her.

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am.

you don't look much like a man from where I'm at,

It's plain to see desperation shown its truth

you love her and she loves you with all she has

I guess I should've been more like that.

I should have held on to my pride.

I should have never let you lie.

I guess you got what you deserve.

I guess I should've been more like her.

She's beautiful, in her simple little way.

-Miranda Lambert

I freaking love her. She's so awesome.

Blake Shelton ADORES her and I want a boy that looks at me that way!

One of the most special people in my life is named Adam Sanford. He took me to

what was supposed to be a weekend of a Coldplay concert and a Kenny Chesney concert (Miranda Lambert/Lady Antebellum) on two different nights in Tampa.

It was this time last year, actually. SO FUN!

Except Chris Martin, Coldplay's lead singer, got the flu and the show couldn't go on.

On the night of the Kenny show (at the Ford Ampitheater in Tampa) it was the biggest rainstorm I've ever seen in my entire life.  But, just in time for MIRANDA, he had a Coors Light in my hand and I was boot scootin' in my Daisy Dukes to what I believe to be

one of the coolest country music girls ever.

If you know me, no matter what kind of feminist activist I can be at times, I'm just not that big on the girls - Shania, Faith, Carrie - none of them do it for the way she does.

I think she's just REAL.

She was hammered, in her Daisy Dukes, and a Texas Football t-shirt when she got on stage to open up for Kenny Chesney.

She said, "Y'all aren't the only ones gettin' drunk while waiting out this storm!"

Then she busted out White Liar which has become my friends' fav to blast in the car with me

Rock on, girl.

"Hey white liar, the truth comes out a little a time. And it spreads just like a fire, slips off of your tongue like turpentine. And I don't know why, white liar."

PEACE and LOVE

BAILY

"Here's a bombshell just for you, turns out I've been lying too."

And since I have blog friends from everywhere,

and because I am a proud

S O U T H E R N   G I R L 

I am going to put my favorite <country> song at the moment's lyrics

 on a new post above this one! 

 (and since my bff from home is from New York but

takes to Southern things because of ME and

 I love her and I know she would appreciate this song's lyrics...

so check my next post, Mandy!)

dear mom and dad,

you know how you like to joke that

i'm one part hippie, one part country-girl?

i'd like these for my bday please.

23 in 23 days!

when it's not always raining, there'll be days like this
when there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this
when everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
well my mama told me, there'll be days like this

when you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this
when no one in a hurry, there'll be days like this
when you don't get betrayed by that old judas kiss
oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

when you don't need an answer, there'll be days like this
when you don't meet a chancer, there'll be days like this
when all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
then i must remember, there'll be days like this

when everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
when you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
when it's nobody's business the way you wanna live
i just have to remember, there'll be days like this

when no one steps on my dreams, there'll be days like this
when people understand what i mean, there'll be days like this
when you ring out of the changes of how everything is
oh mama told me, there'll be days like this
-van morrison 'days like this'

a song called lochloosa and lochloosa sounds like my home.. for florida...

Lauren and Whitney bought me some suprises when they were in Seaside, Florida over the 4th of July Weekend. Supposedly there's this new record store there that I hear I would "just looove!" and they brought me a couple teases home. They bought me the Michael Jackson 'Thriller' album, Janis Joplin's *ORIGINAL PRESSED* 'I Got Them Ol' Kozmic Blues Again, Mama!' album, and the JJ Grey & Mofro 'The Choice Cuts' album.

The JJ Grey & Mofro album was one I had never heard before (the Michael Jackson and Janis Joplin albums came out obviously several decades ago so I've given my ears a listen a few times on each of those). But the 'The Choice Cuts' vinyl is already well-loved by me.

It got me through a pretty treturous week of studying for that killer Social Psychology exam. But I just got home from it, and I rocked it's gypsy soul. I really do like this lecture, and the material is enough basic theory that I can apply my previous knowledge to it, but it goes into depth in the social and cognitive domains of psychology and there's always a bold-fonted key term in the textbook that I don't know, so it's been pleasantly challenging. I stop there, and go no further, because the last thing I need is to say that and then completely _beep!_ myself when the next two exams are the pit-fall of ever being both pleasant and challenging and becomes HELL.

But I love this album because there is a lot of Florida heritage that are written in the lyrical component of this different style of music. It's swamp-folk and country-rock and a little bit of jazziness mixed with mountainy bluegrass strings. I can put it simpler, into two words: I DIG. (I have even facebook-statused some of the lyrics about my beloved swampy sunhine state!)

Here are some of the lyrics I just love and this new band of interest for me definitely gets a high five for singing some good tunes about the very misunderstood nature of my homestate...

FLORIDA!

Homesick but it's alright / Lochloosa is on my mind / She's on my mind /

I swear its 10,000 degrees in the shade / Lord have mercy knows - how much I love it /

Every mosquito every rattlesnake / Every cane break - everything //

Every alligator / Every black water swamp / Every freshwater spring - everything //

All we need is one more damn developer taking her heart out //

All we need is one more Mickey Mouse / Another golf course another country club /

 Another gated community // Lord I need her /

Lord I need her // And she's slipping away /

Homesick but it's alright / Lochloosa is on my mind /

She's on my mind / She's on my mind

-JJ Grey & Mofro 'Lochloosa'

guess what I DID recently that caused me to miss the good ol' days?? 

i t . i s . w h a t 

 m y . f r i e n d s . d i d

a l l . s u m m e r . l o n g 

w h i l e . g r o w i n g . up 

a couple weeks ago Chaceface and I went N a little ways up the interstate to Smith Lake and enjoyed a day of laying in the water on a raft. Not just any raft. The kind of raft that is considered some prime real-estate on Jones family vacations. A couple cold beers, my boyfran, and a weeks worth of stresses being deferred so that I could

.e n j o y.

.m y.

.S U N D A Y.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was really quite amazing and much, much, much needed!

I wigged.. and I mean WIGGED out when I jumped off that dock into dark and unknown waters and let me anxieties get the best of me as I splashed and cyclopzed around and up that ladder back onto the dock. Chace got quite the kick out of it and intead of saying,

"No, Baily... we're not in Florida - you can swim in lakes, no alligators!"

like a good and compassionate boyfriend would and instead said,

"I bet you someone bought a pet alligator like a dumbass and has let it go in this lake once it got too big and now it's breeding out of control and bringing alligators to my lake!"

Seriously? What.the.heck....???

Could he have not let the fact that I am the MOST-GULLABLE girl he's ever met in his entire life refrain him from saying anything, because by the time I could get me and my not-so-nineteen-year-old-body (complete w/my newest version of big-woman-curves) out of the water, I had already convinced myself that this lake-neighborhood is made up of a bunch of imbeciles with stray pet alligators, which are in a breeding frenzy right below me in

 my very unfamiliar and horribly uncomfortable area of unbeknownst dark lakewater.

I finally warmed up and we enjoyed our day hanging out on the

S H O R E L I N E

o f . a

f r e s h - w a t e r

L  A  K  E

a n d . n o t . h a v i n g

t o . w o r r y . a b o u t . a n y

A L L I G A T O R S

l i k e . w e . h a v e . t o

w o r r y . a b o u t . i n 

t H e . S u N s H i N e . s T a T e

Come see us in Alabama and Florida!

We've got pretty lakes, but it is our beaches that really need your everyone's help!!

The Gulf Oil Spill is staining our very beautiful and much-loved white sandy coastlines.

Our tourism is bruised.Our wildlife are in danger.

And the spirit of those perfect Southern summers still linger,

but it's hard to feel the free-spirited charm of 

O L D  - F L O R I D A  

because of the brutal reality that there is a spilled and spewing detrimental disaster sittingvery unwelcomed in her panhandle's harbors. Just above

the Land of Sunshine and in the Heart of Dixie is the

S T A T E   of   A L A B A M A

where all the well-mannered and good-souled folks are breaking their backs to help out their country, their state, and their fellow Southerner, despite the bitter reality of the unwanted spill of darkness that masks our waters and plagues our shorelines.

message me and tell me how you have contributed to the relief efforts in wake of the BP Oil Spill

i may (or may not) have a personalized

Expressive Journal: starter-kit that i put together to give-away

to ((someone)) who appreciates the things that I appreciate, like:

advocacy, peace, love,

unity & community-service

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A TYPICAL BLOGGER "GiVe AwAy" THAT YOU MAY SUSPECT

NOPE - NOT WHATSOEVER

BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO HEAR OTHER'S STORIES OF

NATIONAL//or// STATE//or//COMMUNITY//  VOLUNTEER WORK!!!

*if no one wants to share their story by leaving me a comment, then I will use this time to be up on my soap-box  advocating service oriented and volunteer work  EVERYWHERE, especially with the Gulf Relief Efforts

BUT I THINK YOU WILL LIKE SOME OF MY  IDEAS FOR MY OWN LITTLE WAY TO (INEXPENSIVELY) GIVE BACK TO THE SOUTHERN-COASTAL ECOSYSTEM, THE LOVE AND COMFORT THAT THOSE SaLtY SHORES AND CrYsTaL cLeAr WATERS

 GAVE ME OVER THE YEARS ON THOSE CHERISHED FAMILY VACATIONS

AND ON ALL OF  THE PREPPY, COLLEGE, SPRING-BREAK WEEKS THAT  I SPENT IN

destin, florida . gulf shores, alabama . panama city beach, florida

and

 orange beach, alabama . pensacole, florida . marco island, florida

"at the Bama Breeze, you're one of our own down here, you never drink alone down here, good God I feel at home down here." -Jimmy Buffett's ode to The FloraBama

Oh ya, P.S. I think everyone should go see "GROWN UPS"

because it reminds me of how awesome those summer weeks were when my family

(along with any other family or families we were summer-vacay-ing with)

w o u l d . p u t . t h e . w o r d

F  U  N

☮

i  n t o . t h e . w o r d 

d  y  s  F  U  N  c  t  i  o  n  a  l

will write more on my next study-break!

it helps me vent... thank God!

☮Peace ☮

and

Love

 - bjj -

i write it out, van morrison sings to me, and everything is good again

So guess what has been happening to me lately? These 'phriends' that I've been talking about, you know the one's that are a cross between what is a 'phony' and what is a true 'friend.' Well, I have all of a suddenly started to hear from some of them. Like they were all in "still mode" for so long and then time went by and they reset themselves and boom! they were all hitting me up at once. I will call them my 'phriends' in this one particular way in this blogpost but do not get them confused with my "Phriends," in the sense that this type of Phriend are the friends of mine who also share a love for the jamband PHISH. Hahaha. Woah. Come to think of it - one of them is a rather intense 'Phriend' (in the jamband loving way), and then there is another PHISH-loving 'Phriend' that I heard from out of the blue recently (he was never a phony though, however we did lose touch in the hustle and bustle of these past couple of months). I phriggin' love him though. (HELLO over there on the Left Coast, moonchild!) - He calls me Sunbeam!! Ya dig?!
Anyways, so in the past two weeks I have heard from BB, KG, WP, PN, CJ, and CM. Umm.... weird. You might not think it's weird, but why all of a sudden? I'm sorry but I do not feel like I am in the wrong for being upset about some people's true colors that showed themselves so clearly to me in the days surrounding the fire. I know I sound like a broken record, but that fire was life-changing. I've never felt reality so intensely and had to desperately cling to what little bit of hope is left at the end of the rope. That's when I so badly needed some of these people's friendship, the unconditional love they promised, the loyalty, the support, the encouragement, a kick in the ass, something.  Literally, I HATE being ignored. I'd rather someone cuss me and spit in my face than just blatantly ignore me. But that's what I felt. Ignored; neglected; fooled; upset; doubtful; inconfidant; not groovy. 
Why, if you're going to betray me and the friendship we have, MUST you do it when I lose everything I have? Could you not hold out a couple more weeks...? Could you not just wait until I pitched a stressful hissy-fittin' temper tantrum and used it as an out, or an excuse? Just so I can have some friggin' peace of mind at night...
I replay everything... what exactly did I so so bad to these people, that you was significant enough for them to not want to be friends with me, yet isignificant enough that I can't remember what I did tha. Hmm.. it drives me nuts.
Trust me, I'll be the first to admit that I am VERY AWARE at why I'm 0 for 34903840!!! (who's still even keeping count, are you serious? Surely you've given up by now) I know very well that I'm the most imperfect girlfriend, and that I'm capable of being a craaaazy bitch, but only 3 of those initials up there are ex's and 1 of them is a dear friend & the other 2 no longer have any affect on my life whatsoever, so I'm really talking about those "best buds" that are like distant strangers to me now.
I must not be so down and out, and allow me to interrupt I, and let me be share an out-of-the-blue-positive by saying that my surprise reconnection with moonchildren like TP; and finally getting to hang with girlbuds like Foy & Libby; and making new slash unexpected friends like Fell & Denby, are all examples of life's little giveaways!
Like wildflower, another life giveaway. They just pop up on the side of the road, in the interstate median, and through a crack in the sidewalk and just make things... better! Well, supercool people that make time for me and want to catch-up and whatnot, well, they're my life's Gerber Daisies. They make putting up with the other b.s. worth it.

These other ones, they make me question things, they dig deep at my willingness to forgive. They send a half-hearted text message and it's like I'm sucked into this matrix of self-conflict. They make me question my confidence, my ability to love and be loved, my social being, my friendship qualities, my personality traits, my social acceptance, my self-awareness, everything.
I want to block so many numbers, just so I don't even have to receive them and go through the whole process of the "huh?" "wtf?" "come again?" and whatnots but I don't really know what Verizon would think when I turn in a roster of names and numbers of peole who I don't even want to waste time pressing "Ignore" on. No, I'm being melo-dramatic. But, I do want to know why all of a sudden it all happens at once. Is it trying to show me something? Because I clearly see how apathetic I am about those people/situations/circumstances nowadays. Bigger fish to fry.
But seriously, these bigger fish like school, fire, refugee living, and empty piggy-bank, are getting old... are they almost fried just right yet? Because... seriously... my brain is. 
Hey Anchors From My Past, will you people PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU CARE. You didn't care when I needed you. So I don't care now! Go away... you're cinging my fried brain. And Lord knows everything else in my life was cinged. Oh yeah, did you know that I lost EVERYTHING I freaking own in a fire while you were away?!

I know that we are taught to FORGIVE. But, there's no expiration on forgiveness if it's truthful. I will pray that God give me a forgiving heart to some of these people, but sometimes all that "trespassing" we're supposed to forgive, it hurts and it damn near kills you. But you know what else it does? It makes you so incredibly greatful for the people that DID stick by you. The ones that stuck it out, sucked it up, stayed honest, stayed true, and stayed real. I dig you guys! And I love you with a love that's bigger than the Beatles. 
I just wish my CrackBerry could filter out the fake apologies, the meaningless promises, and empty words that come in to my Inbox. The iPhone doesn't have that app either, I already checked. I guess I'm going to have to grin and bear it and do what I know I need to do....

.....PUT IT IN GODS HANDS!

peaceofmind&lotsoflove

baily

van morrison is my cure-all. therefore, i'm listening to him.

he appreciates that that i'm a brown eyed girl.

he reminds us that mama warned us there'd be days like this.

he just wants to  rock your gypsy soul.

he's what summer nights are all about, dancin' in the moonlight.

and you know what? he makes me realize that i'm only concerned about the people who look at me and think... ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

and most importantly, he makes me realize that these are the days.

how's that for a playlist?

blue bonnets

Hair blowin' in the wind

Wonder what you pretend you are

When you run

Bandana on your head

Your face is turning red

You throw it down to the ground

When you are done

I'll think of you

When the blue bonnets bloom

When the blue bonnets bloom

I'll think of you

You always seem to make me laugh

When you ask, "what is that?"

A million times

And you know

Little things that you do

They are the things that get me through

When I'm up to my hips in snow

Another night, I'm working hard

Another night, another bar

A million miles outta touch

Say your prayers, say my name

Keep it fresh on your brain

And don't forget I love you this much.

-Cross Candadian Ragweed-

this has always been one of my favorite songs. before the fire, i had it on vinyl. it's funny how a song can take you back to a certain place in time. the acoustic is eerily nostalgic for me, and the lyrics have more substance than just words to a melody. to me, it makes me think of a certain time, a certain person, and a certain personal conflict that i was going through. i was faced with two options during this certain time. there were two people that each had pieces of my heart, a little place in the history of my life, and opportunities for second chances. i went to oz record store to clear my head, and came home with a cross canadian ragweed vinyl. i listened to this song. i just dropped the needle on some random track and told myself to listen to the words and see if it helps me in some way. yes, i'm weird like that and when my indecisive nature rules over any other means of making the right decisions, i turn to my music. painters paint, singers sing, and music lovers listen to the music they love. on this day, i bought the vinyl on happen-chance, and let it speak to me. i had never heard this song before that day, but i played it a lot. come to think of it, i think it was the record that was still on the turntable when the fire destroyed it. when i heard the words to this song i knew exactly what my life was doing and what my heart was feeling. i pictured the one person that would actually say these things about me. the person that likes the little things about me. and probably the only person that digs it when i wear my bandanas in my hair. i smiled when i heard the words, and to this day the song just soothes me. maybe we all should stop to listen a little closer to what our songs are actually saying to us. it helped me get my mind straight and it helped me follow my heart instead of making another decision i would eventually someday regret, big time. i should have known, someone once told me that

music is what feelings sound like.

peaceandloveeverlasting

baily

Wildflower's Weekly Recap

<on the reg>

in one word or phrase: strengthened

dreaming of you: insurance claim check

song on repeat: you got the love by joss stone

gotta write it down: lyrics to the song above.

sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough

and things go wrong no matter what i do

now and then it feels like life is just too much

you've got the love i need to see me through

when food is gone you are my daily meal

when friends are gone i know my savior's love is real

your love is real

every once in a while i say Lord i can't go on

every once in a while i get to feeling blue

every once in a while it seems like i am all alone

but you got the love i need to see me through

lesson learned: (1) i like costco more than sam's club; target more than wal-mart

(2) a girl is lucky if a man loves her even after all the mistakes, bad judgements, and poor decisions she made. when he loves even her flaws and doesn't turn away from her when the going gets tough. usually, there's only 2 men in a girl's life that this regards: jesus and our daddy. but for some, for girls like me, we have that kind of love from someone else, and we ought to never take it for granted.

picture to frame:

highlight of the week: getting my mattress/having my own bed

weekend to-do list: (1) quality time with chace

(2) paint my desk magenta

(3) book my flight to orlando for justin core's wedding

(4) first baptist trussville w/ash.ty.chace.

(5) oak mountain state park w/millie.tripp.chace.

(6) mourn the loss of casey (mad crush) on american idol but root for my girl (janis reincarnate) crystal

enjoying the ride, and not worrying about the destination

peaceandlove

bailyjj