i write it out, van morrison sings to me, and everything is good again

So guess what has been happening to me lately? These 'phriends' that I've been talking about, you know the one's that are a cross between what is a 'phony' and what is a true 'friend.' Well, I have all of a suddenly started to hear from some of them. Like they were all in "still mode" for so long and then time went by and they reset themselves and boom! they were all hitting me up at once. I will call them my 'phriends' in this one particular way in this blogpost but do not get them confused with my "Phriends," in the sense that this type of Phriend are the friends of mine who also share a love for the jamband PHISH. Hahaha. Woah. Come to think of it - one of them is a rather intense 'Phriend' (in the jamband loving way), and then there is another PHISH-loving 'Phriend' that I heard from out of the blue recently (he was never a phony though, however we did lose touch in the hustle and bustle of these past couple of months). I phriggin' love him though. (HELLO over there on the Left Coast, moonchild!) - He calls me Sunbeam!! Ya dig?!
Anyways, so in the past two weeks I have heard from BB, KG, WP, PN, CJ, and CM. Umm.... weird. You might not think it's weird, but why all of a sudden? I'm sorry but I do not feel like I am in the wrong for being upset about some people's true colors that showed themselves so clearly to me in the days surrounding the fire. I know I sound like a broken record, but that fire was life-changing. I've never felt reality so intensely and had to desperately cling to what little bit of hope is left at the end of the rope. That's when I so badly needed some of these people's friendship, the unconditional love they promised, the loyalty, the support, the encouragement, a kick in the ass, something.  Literally, I HATE being ignored. I'd rather someone cuss me and spit in my face than just blatantly ignore me. But that's what I felt. Ignored; neglected; fooled; upset; doubtful; inconfidant; not groovy. 
Why, if you're going to betray me and the friendship we have, MUST you do it when I lose everything I have? Could you not hold out a couple more weeks...? Could you not just wait until I pitched a stressful hissy-fittin' temper tantrum and used it as an out, or an excuse? Just so I can have some friggin' peace of mind at night...
I replay everything... what exactly did I so so bad to these people, that you was significant enough for them to not want to be friends with me, yet isignificant enough that I can't remember what I did tha. Hmm.. it drives me nuts.
Trust me, I'll be the first to admit that I am VERY AWARE at why I'm 0 for 34903840!!! (who's still even keeping count, are you serious? Surely you've given up by now) I know very well that I'm the most imperfect girlfriend, and that I'm capable of being a craaaazy bitch, but only 3 of those initials up there are ex's and 1 of them is a dear friend & the other 2 no longer have any affect on my life whatsoever, so I'm really talking about those "best buds" that are like distant strangers to me now.
I must not be so down and out, and allow me to interrupt I, and let me be share an out-of-the-blue-positive by saying that my surprise reconnection with moonchildren like TP; and finally getting to hang with girlbuds like Foy & Libby; and making new slash unexpected friends like Fell & Denby, are all examples of life's little giveaways!
Like wildflower, another life giveaway. They just pop up on the side of the road, in the interstate median, and through a crack in the sidewalk and just make things... better! Well, supercool people that make time for me and want to catch-up and whatnot, well, they're my life's Gerber Daisies. They make putting up with the other b.s. worth it.

These other ones, they make me question things, they dig deep at my willingness to forgive. They send a half-hearted text message and it's like I'm sucked into this matrix of self-conflict. They make me question my confidence, my ability to love and be loved, my social being, my friendship qualities, my personality traits, my social acceptance, my self-awareness, everything.
I want to block so many numbers, just so I don't even have to receive them and go through the whole process of the "huh?" "wtf?" "come again?" and whatnots but I don't really know what Verizon would think when I turn in a roster of names and numbers of peole who I don't even want to waste time pressing "Ignore" on. No, I'm being melo-dramatic. But, I do want to know why all of a sudden it all happens at once. Is it trying to show me something? Because I clearly see how apathetic I am about those people/situations/circumstances nowadays. Bigger fish to fry.
But seriously, these bigger fish like school, fire, refugee living, and empty piggy-bank, are getting old... are they almost fried just right yet? Because... seriously... my brain is. 
Hey Anchors From My Past, will you people PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU CARE. You didn't care when I needed you. So I don't care now! Go away... you're cinging my fried brain. And Lord knows everything else in my life was cinged. Oh yeah, did you know that I lost EVERYTHING I freaking own in a fire while you were away?!

I know that we are taught to FORGIVE. But, there's no expiration on forgiveness if it's truthful. I will pray that God give me a forgiving heart to some of these people, but sometimes all that "trespassing" we're supposed to forgive, it hurts and it damn near kills you. But you know what else it does? It makes you so incredibly greatful for the people that DID stick by you. The ones that stuck it out, sucked it up, stayed honest, stayed true, and stayed real. I dig you guys! And I love you with a love that's bigger than the Beatles. 
I just wish my CrackBerry could filter out the fake apologies, the meaningless promises, and empty words that come in to my Inbox. The iPhone doesn't have that app either, I already checked. I guess I'm going to have to grin and bear it and do what I know I need to do....

.....PUT IT IN GODS HANDS!

peaceofmind&lotsoflove

baily

van morrison is my cure-all. therefore, i'm listening to him.

he appreciates that that i'm a brown eyed girl.

he reminds us that mama warned us there'd be days like this.

he just wants to  rock your gypsy soul.

he's what summer nights are all about, dancin' in the moonlight.

and you know what? he makes me realize that i'm only concerned about the people who look at me and think... ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

and most importantly, he makes me realize that these are the days.

how's that for a playlist?