Life, unexpected.

There's no quick way to explain everything that has been going on here lately. Actually, I've given an attempt at an "update" post already but I ended up rambling, crying, and becoming so tired I couldn't even read it to see if it made enough sense to publish.  Nonetheless, it was way too long and it was my vent session that had all the little tiny details about everything.  I remember typing pretty fiercely, and that always means I'm really getting it off my chest.  As fast as my mind races... and as many places it goes in one deep thought process... my hands cannot keep up with what I have to say. 

Anyway, I cannot make total sense of everything anyway so I'm just going to catch things up on what has happened.  My previous posts mentioned I had been out of town a lot in the month of July.  Every weekend, actually.  So on top of just being overwhelmed with life, I was also in vacation, weekend getaway, and family obligation mode.  As we all should be aware, there are lots of things that come before blogging.

On top of a busy and exhausting month, the life Baily does like it always does and threw me a curveball.  Then another.  And another.  And then another.  Life unexpected happened and big lessons were put before me to learn. 

I have made myself proud this time around, though.  I have not sunk into a hiding place where I just prevent myself from experiencing any happiness and joy for the sake of avoiding another something to jump up and bite me in the you know what.  I have applied the hard blows I took in my past, I remembered the pain of my past experiences with the life unexpected, but this time I did not allow myself to be engulfed by it. 

My HS soccer coach committed suicide, my elderly Uncle Fred passed away at the same time my Papaw was in the hospital with heartrate/blood-pressure problems and having a Pacemaker put in, and a dear and special and one-of-a-kind friend died in his sleep at the age of 25. 

Do you want to know what will make a person go crazy?  Asking why! Why no one knew Coach Barnett was at a level of such deep depression.  Hell, especially me.  I am full of memories of his good advice and lessons in life that only a "coach" can brings to the life of a young person, especially when they share a special bond like he and I did.  I would have had no shame in telling him my story and sharing my past experiences with depression and darkness and been a "coach" to him.  But I never got the chance.  I cannot dwell on why. 

Why was it easier to handle the death of my great-uncle than any of the others?  Because in his last days he told his family of his love for them and was at peace in knowing the misery would be over and a perfect eternity awaited him.  He was prepared for his homecoming.  Therefore, we were ready for it, though it hurt to lose a good soul who was loving and dearly loved. 

Why did someone as special as Greg Gonzales... "Chevy" as we called him... never hear his alarm waking him up because he passed away in his mid-sleep at the ripe age of 25?  Why Chevy?  Why was I reminded not to take life for granted in hospital room with my grandfather that very weekend that a young life was taken from the earth at an age we feel is too soon.

As I lay in bed thanking God for not having a worse situation with my Papaw like I know so many others have had to experience, a friend that I planned to make a lifetime of memories with was suffering an aortic aneurism in his heart.  God called him home.  You cannot explain the why's of things.  I have learned this through the life-journey I have come to know... the crazy/beautiful life I lead.

Do you know how I have made myself proud during this time of sorrow and tragedy?  First, I had to go through the crappy times in life a few times previously and learn the difference in how I handled the blows and figuring out which one worked and which one didn't. 

I have spent this time of mourning with my eyes open to the light of God and I have put my complete trust in Him.  At other times I have instead stood with my eyes closed making situations even darker than needed. My sight was in the worldly things which kept my eyes off the only light that could get me through to sunnier days. When I have attempted to handle tribulation on my own, things went from bad to worse to miserable to completely lost.  When I have allowed God to handle it, which my roots and core values know to do - I am able to experience joy even when at the same time hurting over loss. 

That is what I have been doing rather than blogging.  I have been in mourning but it's been more in celebration of the lives that were lived by faith and not stuck in a place where I just dwell, and dwell, and dwell some more. 

I have been with friends who were brought back together through tragedy.  I have been in reverent prayer and devotional time with the Lord as He has revealed Himself to me in so many ways and I have been able to have the strength and wisdom to carry on because I know all things are possible with the Lord.  That wisdom came from experience, trial and error, and witnessing an overwhelming presence of God in every circumstance - good, bad, big, and little. 

I am sad, but strong.  I am not mad at God, but trusting in His work.  I do not understand the ways of it all, but I am not God and therefore I only can understand what my human mind is made capable of understanding.  I want to ask "why" and it pops into my head at constant but I answer myself with the only vague answer there is - "Because God has a plan and a reason and purpose for everything."  I just use the ability He did give us to believe and have faith, instead of letting my little tiny brain try to put a physics equation together to make sense of something that we aren't supposed to make sense of.

It will be hard not having Chevy around, it will be hard to visit family reunions and know Uncle Fred and other elder members of the family have passed away, and it is a bummer that I was not able to be a testimony to my coach who I respected and admired and would do anything for -- especially be that living testament that depression can be beat and so can anything else as long as God is the one we put our trust in.

I said I was going to keep it short but we all know that I do that a lot and it does not happen.  I just use this blog to vent, share what is happening in my life and maybe it inspires yours or helps you in some way and maybe it doesn't, and I have no format or rule and regulation to it. 

I do hope one day I am able to comprehend the powerful things that are happening in my life so that I can put them on paper and maybe give hope to others while giving the glory to God.

I know that is what those that I have lost all at once here recently would want me to do.  Be myself and do my thing.  Plus, the loss of people often bring comradery and comradery with people like the ones that "Chevy" brought back together has been the biggest blessing in giving me the opportunity to feel like my whole, true self again. 

The beautiful in the crazy.  The balance of life that comes from looking at the glass half-full and with the Lord by your side. I wish everyone could see life that way, even if it means they have to learn the hard way like I did.  It is worth it. 

peace and love 

baily  

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him.  For the Lord IS your life.

This song describes my life pretty dead-on.

wednesday: frame your mind

Happy Wednesday!

It's good ole "Hump Day" in the middle of the week...

I hope you are finding yourself in a 'glass half-full' mindset today and not the 'glass half-empty' kind.  I know that's an old saying but I really am aware of how much attitude, perception, and outlook can determine the actuality of circumstances.  For instance, the day that I decided my past could and should be the very thing that fuels the fire that will blaze my future trails, I almost instantaneously began making strides toward a healthier lifestyle.  My attitude cleared the way and my mindset has kept me along this safer path.

I think of my mindsets that I have had over the past five years and it is clear to me that the happier times, the times I felt the most loved & included, along with feeling good about myself were the phases in my life when I had a positive attitude about life in general. 

It wasn't that life had neccessarily stopped throwing curveballs at me during those times - because life never stops throwing them, but it was the mental fitness I had that helped me determine whether to swing, let it pass me by, or catch it and throw it right back at wherever it came from.  Just like being up to bat.  It's all about the mental aspect at that point.

When Dad was sick with cancer, I studied his mind and body mastery.  His attitude triumphed over his circumstance.  My father was (and is) heroic in the way he showed me that attitude always wins. He showed me that bad circumstances need really really good attitudes in order to be handled best. He taught me that good circumstances need humble attitudes and grateful attitudes in order to be blessings and not self-destructive distractions.  Like all things in life, this too, must find balance. 

I was always a believer growing up, but it wasn't until the dreadful diagnosis of stage IV non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that I found the personal relationship with the Lord.  I was learning at a very young age that life was a series of tests except it wasn't like school where you get taught the lesson and then are tested on it.  In life, you are tested, and then you learn the lesson.  This is sometimes a frustrating concept to grasp, but I know now that it was preparation for my future. 

Since that day in February 1999, my Savior has continued to rescue me, keep me afloat, and get me safely back to shore.  I trust my Lord that He will not give me more than I can handle, at at times, I have wondered why He has such great faith in me because He sure does work in mysterious ways with me, but the main thing I can be grateful for is that I learned the kinds of things you just need to throw back and not lug around with you throughout your whole life.

Like a dark past.

Like a big mistake.

Like a group of people who go out of their way to hurt you.

Like friends who didn't care enough to get to know the real me.

Like the ghosts of boyfriends' past.

Like the silly stuff that doesn't matter.

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

peace and love

~bjj~

Read this blog post from April 13th last year >>> click here.

I wrote about my personal testimony and how my preparation for the big lessons in life were learned throughout my Daddy's twelve years as a "cancer patient"...

Only hours later did the irony of that blog post really hit home.  Literally, hit home.

Later that night, I lost everything in a house fire.  God was listening to me as I shared my testimony to the blog world and He gave me my next big lesson because I plain out asked for it. I needed direction, and he gave it to me admist chaos, smoke, and flame.  I've found my direction - to follow Christ and have that intimate personal relationship with Him and not wander on my own like I did for so long.

I've learned, and I'm ready.

Lord, have your way with me.

Things I need to get out there...

Today is one of those days where I can't figure out what is going on inside of my head.
I have so many things that tug my thoughts in different directions.  I have burdens, desires, confusion, and a tiny place of serenity that I can sometimes calm my thoughts down to. 
But usually... my mind would look like this if it could express itself...

So I'm sorry that I have not been very regular in the blogging department.  Lots on my mind.  And don't even get my started on all the different tugs at my heart.  Which way to turn?  Hell if I know... I guess that's what I am trying to figure out while I've been a sketchy blogger friend.

I'm a little bit lonely - but I know that I am surrounded by good friends and a loving family.  But being lonely isn't being alone.  I've always known that I am not alone, but me and the feeling of lonely have become quite acquainted.  Even when I masked my loneliness with a boyfriend or special friend - I wish I would have just been honest all along and realized that it is something I am struggling with on a personal level and it was a void in my heart that no boyfriend or special friend could fill for me.  Maybe that's why I am mad at myself some days.  Because some days I think that if I would have taken the time to figure out this "voided" area in my heart I would have saved myself and others some of the pain and heartache.  But I can't go back.  I need to learn that - I can NOT go back. 

Uggghhh.... but I am struggling with so much disgust for the people that actually made me happy, safe, secure... but then just bolted when things got hard or when things (and people... especially people in his case) tried to interfere and dictate our relationship.  Why couldn't those guys just stick out the hard times?  Why'd they lie and say they understood what I was going through and they'd be there for me through it all?  Why didn't he just see that he was happiest when he wasn't letting his family control him, but he was living out his free-spiritedness with me?  There are SO MANY things that I will not understand.

I want to be free of this person, because he allowed people to throw me out and slander my name into the ground until he started to believe them.  It's not fair, I was a good person, full of the "big love" that he wanted, but he just walked out.  (And now dates a 19 year old with the most disgusting use of language on her FB wall that I couldn't even bear to look at it anymore.)

So that's been on my mind!!! Why a family thought so low of me but welcome, with open arms, a girl with such a lack of class that she uses c-words and f-words all over the place like it's normal lingo.  It bothers me and it eats me up.

BUT, I have been able to free myself of some of the burdens that his "vanishing act" laid on me.  I rid myself the "friendships" with some of the people that I thought were like family to me.  They didn't stick up for me, they threw me under the bus, and they have shown their true colors.  But at the same time, other family-friends have told me that I am a better person for not having to deal with the b.s. that these people threw at me and even though I experienced a love on a different level with this special person - I can be stronger for it, but I am even stronger by not being around the people that never gave me a chance, chose to make up their own impression of me, and tried to bring me down - constantly.

That's just ONE thing that has been on my mind.  And I said there were several so please excuse my "funk" I've been in lately as I try to sort out my life again.  It seems like everything had gotten clear, organized, and peaceful and then disruption occurred and things went extremely chaotic in my confused little brain. 

Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I am already feeling more empowered because of it.

peace & love

baily

Destiny Unbound

I really have a lot on my mind today – good things, neutral things, but not so much bad things.  It seems that the way my life has been the past five years – full of extreme highs and extreme lows – I unfortunately know the depths of sadness and darkness that qualify as “bad.”  I don’t really have that ache, that heart-wrenching feeling of something horrible overcoming me.  Do I feel numbness in the parts of my heart where I should be feeling pain right now?  Maybe. 

I used to fear this – numbness.  I used to think, I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  But right now, I am enjoying this intermission from life’s painful heartaches.  I love how there is enough JOY in my life right now to stop the stinging and lessen the trauma that a knife in the back will cause.  I’m not bleeding out, instead, I have myself under control and I’ve displayed a grace that I can respect for myself.  I’m not crying out to this person that I absolutely loved and cared for tremendously (even though a lot of times I want to), because I feel given up on by them. I didn’t deserve to be left out to dry like this, and I don’t know why all of a sudden I was.  I missed the moment when we took a U-turn and started heading South.  I’m confused and feel incredibly misled, misunderstood, and disrespected.  I miss this person terribly, but I miss the feeling of being missed and adored even more.  I wanted and needed BIG LOVE, and I found it… I was promised it… I was given it… but I guess I forgot to ask how long it would last.  

At least it is numbness and not the bellowing wails and sob-soaked pillows and empty boxes of Kleenex.  It’s not teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry and Carrie & the girls.  It isn’t seeking revenge or demolition.  It isn’t insomnia, not eating, or not taking care of myself.  It isn’t the usual “what am I going to do?”
 or “who is going to love me?” or “what is wrong with me?” or “how am I ever going to get through this?”  It is none of that. 

Instead, it’s me saying… “this ain’t my first rodeo!” and bucking up and doing the things that I have learned over the years – how to have my heart broken.  And this time, I’m not doing those things that I used to do.  I’m not “coping” in an irresponsible way and I’m not letting the growing number of guys out there who don’t think I am worth it convince my own mind that I am not worth it.  Because I am. 

And I will continue to try on the shoes that catch my eye until I find that damn glass slipper.

There is a glass slipper, size 6, still out there right???? Prince Charming is still on his way with it, isn’t he?  I hope someone send him the message that the bar has been raised, the standards are a little higher now – after knowing the love life I most recently knew.

I think the reason I am not handling this huge loss from my life the way that I did a break-up three years ago (that I describe as ‘what broke me’) is because I am a stronger person for knowing this individual.  I know what is possible when two hearts that are meant to be together meet for the very first time.  Love grows wildly.  I know now that a smile isn’t in perfect teeth or soft lips but in how genuine and heartfelt it is.  I learned that life is only as hard and as serious as we make it for ourselves.  I was reminded of how to live in the moment, when to take big risks, and what kind of man I want by my side.  I was brought back to life.  I was adored, loved, and appreciated. 

And then one day, it went away.  Or it was ignored.  I don’t know if it is still there, where and with whom the heart of this person is.  Oh how I hope that if it belongs to someone else already, she knows how good and wonderful and valued that heart is.  I hope she makes his eyes sparkle like I once could, and I hope they spontaneously dance to music in the kitchen and in Wal-Mart parking lots.  I hope she inspires him the way he told me I inspired him: to be the best version of himself, to want to do good, to want to settle down, to travel, to go to music festivals and concerts, to read books,  to be closer to one another’s families, to be as happy always as we were nearly everyday.  I hope he always fights for what he believes in – and even though I feel like I was given up on, I will never be convinced that he did not believe in me and in us.  He was my biggest fan and I was his, and that’s the hardest part about not having him in my life.  The love was short, but it was so real.  I’ll never forget the way he described life when we were  together, “The world and my life are just “right” and “real” now that I know you and love you, Baily.”  I could not have agreed more.

So here I am, numb.  But full of joy, too.  Because I am proud of how far I have come.  I am glad that I knew this love and that it brought me out of the darkness and made me come to life again!  I was able to experience love in a more profound way – love worth taking risks for, love worth traveling for, love worth making special accommodations for.   But now… but now I need to experience being loved enough to fight for.  Being loved enough to hold on tighter when things seem to be slowly slipping.  I need to know what it is like to be loved unconditionally – where time and distance don’t separate you but make you grow fonder. 

I guess I didn’t know how important that was.  I didn’t know how strong time and distance are.  Or, I just thought that since what we had was so perfect, pure, free from arguments and fighting, and full of love and generosity, that the whole time and distance thing wouldn’t have as large an impact on  us.  I STILL think that, but I do think that any relationship (especially one like this) takes effort from BOTH people….

and that was exactly where the problem was.  And where the pain starts…

Peace & Love

Baily

She started the ignition and without permission,

the two of them flew down the dusty road

But the road wasn't finished and the pavement diminished,

They soared off the edge and they plunged in the sludge

She said

 "THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY ROAD, OUR DESTINY WAS BOUND,

WE WERE THE ONES FOR US, BUT NOW WE'RE IN THE GROUND."

-Destiny Unbound (Phish)

President's Notes: LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Do you know what I mean when I say some things are just God sent? 

Like a self-awareness "sign" that you epiphanize with that tells you letting go sometimes makes you happier than holding on.
 Or a little birdie that reminds you that loving will always bring more happiness to you than hating will.
 And, there are those convictions from God that continue to teach us the GREATEST LESSON OF ALL - forgiveness. 

I experience a LOT of God sent things in these departments... and I think that is why I stay so positive during my harder times.  Because I continue to love, to have faith, continue hoping, and forgive even those that don't reciprocate this type of positivity that I am proud to possess.

So this morning when I woke up and saw a friend that had posted a blog about President Obama's tribute speech at the Arizona Memorial, I DEFINITELY took it as one of those "God sent" things. 

Here is my 'blog-friends' post, where she highlights a particular quote that sums up the feelings of a torn nation coming together as one in the wake of a tragedy.  As I re-read the transcript of President Obama's words that she had linked to her post, this excerpt from his speech was what was one of those GOD SENT things I am talking about. 

Something that I have struggled with over the past several months is this - being faithful in my perseverance throughout a certain situation where I longed for acceptance and understanding.  When my attempts to gain these things went unnoticed or ignored, I grew weary and tired - but God continued to tell me to keep up the good fight, take heart, press on, and continue to do the right things.  Maybe that is why I am ok during what some would think would be a devastating time for me.  I know that I was obedient to God and the lessons He taught me, and I can't be mad at myself or have any regrets for that.  So that situation that prevented so much happiness and love from blessing my life is what I think of as I FEEL every single one of these words spoken to us last night by our country's leader:

"So sudden loss causes us to look backward -- but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us.  We may ask ourselves if we've shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame -- but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others."

Those words were so powerful to me last night, and then reiterated to me this morning as I read back over the honest and sincere words. 
It gives me peace of mind because I know I was honest, kind, and compassionate like this passage talks about.  I know I loved well, and I loved selflessly.  I can be excited about the future knowing that I AM capable of loving, and I still do have faith that I am capable of being loved.  Even though my life continues to try to make me believe that I am not.  Kharma will bring me good things one day, I know that because I will continue to live a life of love and generosity, and I will let God continue to send me these little reminders that let me know He is control and I am just to be obedient and good things will come. 

I just hope that those who haven't opened up their heart to others will do that someday and experience the liveliness that it brings.  I went through life for a long time with my guard up and a closed-off heart and I was prevented from experiencing the joy that came when I finally broke free of those ways.  I am grateful to those that taught me to live with feeling and not principle and to continue loving even when I am feeling given up on, rejected, and unloved. 

I guess that’s why I am sharing this “more serious” post this morning.  Maybe it can be a “God sent” thing for you, like it was for me.  Maybe by spreading this love, spoken by our American leader, can reach those that need it and can use it to persevere, continue loving, and to help remember what is important and what is not.

Much love, y’all!

Peace and Love

Bai

forgiveness and love

I have been able to replace a lot of the books/devotionals that I lost, lately.  I missed them for sure!  And in the here and now, I am really diggin' this one...

the uncommon woman

making an

ordinary life

extraordinary

by Susie Larson

But let's be serious... my life is ANYTHING but ordinary.

I have learned a lot from spending a little time in this book & in the Bible, and the one thing that is so universal to living a healthy, loving, and fruitful life is

forgiveness. 

It's the lesson of all lessons, that is for sure. One part in particular has really helped me in some of my personal struggles and battles that I have found myself in lately. 

I have always considered myself a forgiving person.  I like to move on, learn, and grow... but I have recently begun to realize that I've got some major problems about how I go about the forgiving process that sometimes makes situations worse for me. I'm a forgiver, but I'm also a fighter.  I stick up for myself and sometimes that brings upon some of the petty things that turn little situations into big messes... the speaking of my own mind when it is not the nicest of things, and the 'revenge' mechanism of getting back at someone that I felt had hurt me or wronged me, and the twenty-something year old attitude that I sometimes display a little bit too proudly. 

Many of my forgiveness battles would have just been so much simpler if I had just skipped all of that pettiness and lost the attitude and just turned it all over to God and let Him tell me what to do and how to handle it. 

Because we all know His thoughts are A LOT wiser and full of love than fiesty little Baily Jordan Jones's when she's emotionally charged and angry.  If I just knew when to keep my mouth shut and lost the attitude, I think I could and would have avoided some of the struggling relationships I have found myself in. 

I've learned in this book that it's common to have those petty faults, to want to put my guard up and play defense for myself, and to try to hurt someone else when I've been wronged... but the uncommon woman - the one that lives an extraordinary life, forgives by turning it over to Christ and having the Lord show her the way to dealing. 

And trust me, I've learned this:

if i want to win the war,

the Lord must fight my battles.

Susie Larson says this and I highlighted the heck out of it:

"If you have Jesus in you, you have it in you to walk this way: LOVING, FORGIVING, and INTERCEDING for those who don't get you, who have hurt you, and who don't deserve your love.  You have it in you to be tough against the lies of the enemy and tender toward the things of God."

So, I turned a major difficulty in my life over to the Lord and I have already seen Him guide me in more positive ways.  When I was fighting 'the battle' without the armor of God and without regular & daily prayer, I was not getting ANYWHERE.  But after diligent prayer and constant faith in the Lord handling my distress, I took a step in the right direction.  And I can say it is the "right" direction because it was what God laid on my heart to do.

Do I expect my decision to be answered and resolved right away?  No.  I know that in every relationship, no matter the depth or closeness of it, TIME must do it's job as well.  I realize  that all I can do is continue to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive others, and to go on living a life that glorifies God. 

I'm grateful for my devotions, His word, and the lessons that I learn from spending some time in them each day.  It is a wonderful feeling to start your day with scripture and be reminded of all the wonderful things He does for me and has planned for me.

Do you have any

favorite devotionals?

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves, therefore, under

God's mighty hand, that He may

lift you up in due time.

I love and miss this guy so much! He's been sick with some pretty mean sounding allergies and a sinus infection all weekend - so please pray for him to get better soon! Hopefully I'll get to see him soon... we're in the process of figuring it out but we've DEFINITELY figured out that sometimes things happen and plans have to be remade!  It's nothing he and I aren't used to - trust. Haha, we joke all the time that we are pretty much the King and Queen of Anything But Plan A.  We are good at rolling with the punches and that's why he's my best friend.  It's pretty much magical how well we go together and I'm glad he appreciates me as much as I appreciate him.  Oh, and p.s. I got this really awesome video sent to me via our mutual family friend Lynn of the wedding Clay and I were in when we were like 3 and 4 years old. (Crazy, huh?) The vid is absolutely precious and brought tears to my eyes and reminded me how much the Lord works in such funny and MYSTERIOUS ways... you know, even 19/some odd years later. But if you're reading this Lynn, thank you! And if you're reading this Leisa, thank you for helping me find such a wonderful guy in Clay! :) Love you all...

then

now

peace and love

bai

c h a n g e

Every once in a while we find ourselves a little lost.  Sometimes we lose faith, we lose someone we love, or we misread our directions in life.  We make wrong turns, we take bad advice, and we go against our better judgement.  When these things happen, we experience the realness of life.  These experiences make us realize that dreams are merely dreams if we don't face the reality of what it takes to make them come true.  Once again, I find myself at this point.

After a number of 'wrong turns' and a list of bad decisions, I find myself a victim of my own mistakes. 

Being a victim of your own mistakes is the worst of all - because, after all, you play the role of both perpetrator and the one being victimized.  When someone hurts us, we are angry at them, want revenge on them, or want nothing to do with them at all.  But when you hurt yourself, what do you do?  Do you dwell in self-pity? Are you supposed to lash out at yourself?  You can't avoid this person that harmed you because it's you.  Therefore, it comes down to your only two options:  continue to make the same mistakes OR, simply change. 

I have decided to choose the latter option.  I'm going to change.

Except this time, it is not a "cold turkey" change.  It isn't something that I decided to do one day out of the blue.  I have been changing.  The inner-most depths of my heart and soul have endured heartache and pain and learned lessons the hard way.  Therefore, I can take what I learned from my past darkest hours and use it to shine some light on the gloom that creeps around me.  As for the people I have hurt along the way, I am sorry.  I can only hope that the ones who know me best know that I want to do whatever it takes to make it better, no matter how long that may take.  I find glimpses of joy in knowing that I am prayed for, supported, worried for, concerned for, cared for, and most of all - loved. 

I have a strong & loving family, a supportive boyfriend who loves me as well, and a multitude of well-wishing friends.  I am surrounded by love, which brings me peace as well as happiness.  I have past mistakes that serve as a reminder that no matter how tough life may get, it goes on.  I have a certain amount of jadedness that edged me and shaped me into knowing that it isn't about how many times you fall down in life as long as you get back up.  There is an understanding inside of me that knows that suffering is a part of life, but enough knowledge in me, too, that assures me that there are plenty of things to rejoice in at the same time.  I have faith in a Lord that never leaves me, provides for me, and gives me a fortress and refuge.  I have a book that is filled with the truth and is a lamp unto my feet.  I have love, guidance, and new direction in so many ways.

That is why I know that it doesn't end here.  As a victim of my own mistakes, I am in control of fixing those mistakes.  I have a choice to hate myself or love myself or abandon myself.  The love vs. hate - this I struggle with but I always come to the conclusion that I will find a way to love myself no matter what.  That was one of the lessons learned the hard way - if I love myself, others will love me as well.  If I hate me, hate will linger and ruin much more than just the soul that dwells inside of me.  If I abandon myself, I will waste the ambition, perserverance, and self-actualization that is still a part of me.  Although darkened by shadows of my past mistakes, those things are still very much there and are the sails that will carry me back out to sea when my ship is repaired.

So, as I prepared to be worked on - nurtured, loved, supported, and cared for by the family and friends I mentioned above, I just want to say thank you for those that love me despite my self-circumstance.  We all live in this world together but experience LiFe in such different ways... even though I expect very few people or no one at all to understand me and this transition I find myself in, I still hope that I am allowed to prove myself again and regain the respect and admiration that I once had of so many people.  I've let some people down - mostly that strong and loving family I hold so dearly, but I am confidant in this very moment because of the confidance they continue to instill in me - even in my darkest hour.

Great distances are covered one step at a time. -Anonymous

Thank you to those that support me and love me.  And for those that don't, I understand your disappointment.  I have disappointed myself but have also made myself proud by doing what is best for me at this particular point in life.  I hope I can gain the chance to overcome these disappointments - this is my very prayer. 

After all, it is a winding road when you're in the lost and found. Even more, I'm turning around and changing my life.  I will never give up.

Peace and Love

Glory to God

b a i l y

why i love this blog

I write to discover what I think.

-Joan Didion

I do have to stop every once in a while and give a little thanks to this blog for helping me through some rain storms.  Over the past year, I sort of devoted a part of myself to this whole self-discovery and self-actualization whirlwind I found myself in.  One of the smartest decisions I have ever made was to commit myself to finding out just what it was that God was trying to tell me.

Some of those things have been little decisions, but in the end I realize that the little waves here and there are what carry you to a safe shore.  The waves can sometimes resemble the movie The Perfect Storm and I have had my fair share of those this year, but it's the combination of big and little waves that either tear you up or push you to closer to a lighthouse.  With each swell that entered my life in the past year, there is no way I could have survived some of them without the help I get from writing.  I've always been a writer and I have come to find out that it is one of those things that stays with you.  Just like running.  Do I hit the trails for 7-9 mile runs on Monday nights like I did with my cross-country team back in the day? No.  But do I see the world through a runner's philosophy... and go on a trail here and there just to smell the woods and reach that 'high'... yes.  Just like that, I view the world through a writer's eyes.  I look for things to write about, I snap a photo with a blog-idea in mind, and I talk exactly how I write.  It's a style, and I hope more times than not I pull it off with a little grace, as well. 

But in a blogger-world, we are FREE to say whatever the heck we want.  It's a column, where opinions and biased sways are allowed.  Trust me, when I was a newspaper reporter for the Lions Tale in high school, they made sure my opinionated little brat-ass was a columnist - and STILL double-checked the edits in my column-box because I could be known to be a real spitfire when it came to speaking my mind.  (Remember, the cheerleaders hated me for a while for writing a column about them being athletes, but that cheerleading is not a sport.  Again, I hold my argument on this subject with that same claim.) But here in Blogville, this entire page is mine to behold.  I can make it look the way I want and I can paint it with the words I want to say.  I'm sorry if that has ever offended anyone, but feel free to quit reading whenever you want.

So, some may wonder why I air my clean and dirty laundry on this blog.  Here is you answer: it helps me.  It has guided me through a time in my life that I needed a canvas to paint and become me.  I have to type things out sometimes to organize my thoughts and to be honest, sometimes I would MUCH RATHER be writing in my journals as opposed to this Hewlett-Packard laptop.  But, I watched so many thoughts - ideas - words - and lists - go up in flames and are never to be read again.  On one hand, I have found it to be a blessing that some of those journal entries will never be read again, but on the other hand I cannot help but miss them.  In the grand scheme, though, I have to be ever grateful for this blog because it recorded so many thoughts of mine that weren't destroyed in the fire.  Out in that great, big world wide web that we have all come to know and love so well were my words, thoughts, and photos just waiting for me to continue on and keep putting out there. 

You see, being a writer of this blog means more to me than just voicing my every thought.  This blog was a part of me before I lost a lot of me, there for a while.  The past 7 months have been wonderously emotional for me, and I have dug, scratched, and scraped to find the "real me" under all the outward expression.  If it weren't for the help of this blog... being there to remind me who I was before my world went upside down, and for continuing to be here for me to splash with all sorts of my colors and emotions, I just wouldn't be who I am. 

I guess I truly am a writer.  But even better, I've become a teacher for myself and hopefully to others.  For that, I can be happy.

peace and love

baily

It was so important for me to lose everything, because I found out what the most important thing is, which is to stay true to yourself.

-Ellen DeGeneres

quote>inspiration>blog

So if you know me, then you are probably my friend on Facebook.  If you really know me, then I have probably let you peep through one of my journals a time or two (except not the juicy stuff, duh).  And if you've been reading my blog, then you've seen me go quote-crazy a time or two.  My Facebook friends see me go quote crazy once a day - usually, and sometimes - even 2 or 3 times a day.  My tweets are often quote-based and my journals are often just a mess of doodled quotes here and there.  I guess that's who I am - a jumbled mess of ideas and words that I wish I could write as well as the person I've quoted.  But nonetheless, that point I was trying to make right there is that I like love quotes.

In school, I've put together a couple of pretty neat projects that were based around quotes even.  I am pretty sure that the wonderful housekeeping ladies @ the Fairfield Inn this summer think I am a hoarder of plastic bins... (that is a special thanks to my Daddy)... and also a hoarder of little scraplets of paper and die-cuts that have meaningful quotes written across them.  Haha, they were totally everywhere - c'mon, I was going through the roughest time in my entire life and so I tended to scribble an inspiring note here and there with high hopes of having just that - high hopes! (And of course I left out any organizational skills that my storage bin loving Dad possibly handed down to me) So when I blew the giant meat-freezer of an air-conditioner that the hotel provides, my little scraps of faith, hope, and love would just go everywhere - absolutely nuts-like... but my gals always had my back and would re-organize them for me on my desk.  Only to be blown away when I got up from the first fire nightmare.  But anyway, I was thinking today (rainy day... the norm for this time of year in Alabama) and thought about how I needed to send down and write and let out some energy that I've needed to exert - and what greater way but to wRiTe!!! None.

But I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about.  Something more than just catching up on what I've been doing.  I needed something a little bit more inspiring than that... just to clear some clouds or smoke or whatever from my head.  So, since I couldn't figure out what to write about I decided I would wait for a good quote to catch my eye and of course that always cures the dreaded writer's block disease.  OF COURSE > a few quotes caught my eye and got me on a little inspirational high... but, in the end, it all comes down to one right? ;)  Well my quote of inspiration for me, myself, and I for today was this (and I hope it maybe inspires whoever else is reading this as well...)

"if there is to be any  p.e.a.c.e  it is to come through b.e.i.n.g and not h.a.v.i.n.g." -henry miller

After what I have been through, there isn't much that I can say to sum it up any better than that.  I have been SO blessed and SO fortunate to  h.a.v.e  all of the things that I do, just 7 months after losing mostly EVERYTHING.  There comes a time in everyone's life, I have come to believe, that you have to get down to the heart of things.  Not just on the surface level, the real level... deep deep down in there.  The soul-wrenching feeling stuff. 

If you are one of the ones that know me, then I'm sure you may have thought that enough had happened to me (the hard way of course) before 7 months ago, and felt the loss with me of all the "things" that seemed to precious to me back then.  Or, if you know me, then maybe you think that I'm a tough little survivor child and I would muster up that inner-strength that I've always been able to show in times of trouble.  If you didn't know me, then you got to read about my journey via this blog that I've seemed to have abandoned here lately.  But either way, you have probably witnessed my passions in one way or another.

-the want to help people
-the need to find the meaning in everything that happens (good and bad)
-the desire to not only find, but also create and keep re-creating, myself
-the love for God, family, and friends
-children
-sports
-new experiences and travel

In basic-mode, those are them - my passions!  Tell me if I am incorrect, but I didn't list a single 'tHiNg' in that list of burning passions I have!  Just meaning, philanthropy, love, children, sports, travel, and creating myself... makes it easier to see, now, why I've been able to handle the brutal amounts of 'stuff' that was lost in that fire. 

But not only did I feel like I lost a lifetime of belongings, I also felt like I lost some success, some hardwork, a couple pieces of my heart, a few tokens from Memory Lane, and a large amount of sanity and peace of mind.  To be brutally honest (and pardon my French) but this summer - I was batshit crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! Spinning out of control and barely keeping my head above water. 

Then I got some of my life back together, I let time do it's thing and move me forward, and I found a peace of mind in myself and in love.  So today when I saw that quote, If there is to be any peace it is to come through being and not having , I truly let it speak to me and ease my mind.  I let the rainy day put me in a tranquil state and I sat down, alone in a room, and I let it remind me of everything I have to be grateful for.  I let it remind me of my passions and how BEING a lover of life and BEING myself is much better than HAVING all of these things to call "mine, mine, mine." 

So, if you were hoping that I would chill it with the quotes on the 'book, my blog, and the tweet-tweets... you are S.O.L. (I'm working on my potty mouth due to my pregnant friend and future job with children... but I'm still Baily).  Everyone needs a good quote once and a while, so if it annoys you I don't care... I get more messages in my FB inbox saying the contrary, so pipe it!

I'm piping it now!

Peace and Love

b a i l y

be as you are

new friends and old friends

When I advocate myself as a peace and love lady, I don't mean to insinuate that I'm a lost soul way over on the left side.  I think world peace would be a pretty awesome thing obviously, but I carry a realistic state of mind for the most part and know that it has unfortunately turned into something that is just a euphoria for all the dreamers and peace wishers out there.  So I guess my generation advocates the ideas of peace and love more in the peace of mind kind of way and the love your neighbor and love your life ways. 
The tricky part to it all is the peace part.  Always has been, always will be... even in the peace of mind way.

Because the love part is all up to you and to your own heart and your own burning passion. Whereas, peace of mind, has to do with a combination of things: a unity and a harmony of all different sorts that come together to create that eye of the storm, the safe haven in the middle of life.  Our own peace of mind.

When you are given a new peace of mind, from what I've come to find out at least, you can feel it and it's a whole experience in itself.  I got that last night.

I experienced a new peace of mind.  A worry was stripped from me, a friend was made and another friend regained.  I feel an abundant happiness from the way things turned out with a very special friend and a lovely gal who is not only appreciated by me for being so 'real' and so 'genuine' but for being a big person and inspiring me to aim for the same gracefulness in other situations.

I guess since I've blogged about it enough over the past six months, I can say that I was pretty upset and broken-hearted over the drying up of a really groovy friendship.  That certain friend who threw me the life preserver when I was sinking ship.  The one who made me love myself and see that I'm capable of living a pretty kickass and extraordinary life and, to be honest, this certain best guy friend finally had to put it brutally honest to me: if you want to be miserable, be miserable... but if you want life to love you back you gotta love life Baily Jones."  It's one of those lines you just don't forget because he was exactly right.  He's always been a passionate life-liver and that's an inspiring characteristic that pulls other creative-souled people in like a magnet because it's an energy we all crave for the adventurous life.  So it didn't surprise me that I found a lot of things we have in common when I had the opportunity to get to know his leading lady, here recently. 

The most awesome part about this newfound harmony amongst old and new friends is just that.  Sometimes you just have to keep digging to find the answer for the reasons things were the way they were.  I wanted to know, for so long, why I had found this friendship so dried up when it once splashed with all things BFF. haha. But, I forgave and tried to understand even though the absence was paralyzing some of those days this summer when life got hardest for me.  I continued to do what I thought was right and each night I would hope for new signs of friendship tomorrow.  Eventually, all the pieces fell into place.  Once I learned the lessons, forgave myself for wrestling with negativity and emotions and empty apathy, and after I did my own part in creating a peace of mind for myself.  After I took care of those things, life just seemed to - well, love me back!

I'm excited about my new peace of mind.  I think this 'phase' I got through was something that I needed to go through.  I've learned a lot about friendship this summer and Fall.  I've learned my heart and kept my mind positive and for that I do believe my mind and my heart are now in harmony with one another.  And for extra good sleep at night, I can finally say that I feel pretty unified and harmonous with two people that mean a lot to me already - one old and one new. 

So thanks, friends.  Things like this might not be life or death or the reason we are all standing at the end of the day - but it gives us a reason to dance, for sure. They are our bridges over troubled water. And, it's one small battle that's been given some world peace and one busy little neurotic mind that was given a few doses of peace as well.  And as always, there's mad friend-love from me to y'all.

peace and love

baily

keep truckin

You know that feeling of goodness that comes over you when something goes right?
In general, it's that pat-yourself-on-the-back kind of thing that is worthy of a little self-righteous praise.  I've been experiencing that a little bit lately in the relationship and friends departments - I sign of upwad growth compared to some of the turmoil these past six months.

I got to spend a lot of time this weekend talking to girlfriends.  Some I had just met and instantly hit it off with and some that have been deepened by phases of closeness over the years.  But at the end of the day, we're all women - we fill our tanks up with faith, hope, and love and then we drive full-throttle on this self-actualization journey until we find our tank is a little low.  Then it's time to turn to those sources of fuel, our friends and fellow females that fill us back up and get us back on that road to tracking down our destinies.  It sounds cliche, but then again - I have recently begun to buy into some of these ol' cliches.

It felt good talking to this group of girlfriends this weekend not because I have found myself - yet again - with my gaslight on and my engine stalling - but even better, I was able to be a positive mentor and be a listener.  The very best part about it was that I was appreciated for being so and I wasn't wasting my words on people who were letting it go in one ear and out the other. 

My eyes fill up with big raindrop tears and am humbled when people are real and genuine with me and give me that pat on my back for digging so deep into each situation - whether tragedy or blessing - and turning them all into even bigger blessings.  I guess I just didn't know, until recently, that I have been a living testimony to some people.  I don't know if it's a tug on my heart from the Lord to spend some time serving others or if it's just one of those highs on the goodness of life.  But I've revealed a lot to myself lately, and if it feels this good, now, then there is no way that I am calling it quits or slowing down anytime soon.

My theme in life is passion and I know I have gone on and on about passion on this blog for the entirety of it's existence, but like I said - not quitting. 

With every pat on the back I receive from my own sense of self-worth or from God or from friends and family, just refuels me and keeps me full-throttle on this road to my destination.  And here lately, I have made some very groovy and boldly colorful friends and have met a beautiful-souled boy who has sparked that inner-fire that had seemed to burn out with the flames in April.  A new flame, for pun's sake.

I'm glad I can use my life as an example to people, those wonderful  girlfriends, who found themselves a little lost and off-course and in need of refueling.  The one thing I can say with all certainty is that with a full tank of faith, hope, and love anything is possible. 

And the things you will discover when you keep yourself filled with those things, is hard to describe but the scenery only gets better the further you journey on and eventually we all either learn to love the open road by ourselves or we find that person who wants to help us drive and make the ride all the more worthwhile.  Then the less scenic parts of the trip don't seem so bad.   And with faith, you'll be able to keep on going with affirmation that there will be prettier days ahead.

peace and love

baily

you have never taken a solitary road trip across a part of this country? i mean, everybody's got to take a road trip at least once in their lives.  just you and some music.

-elizabethtown



my inner voice

You know how everyone has that inner voice?  Some of us have a more outspoken one, because of my habit of talking to myself that I mentioned earlier, but we all have a conscious... and a pre-conscious and sub-conconcious and un-conscious... but for simpler means... that damn voice that drives us crazy...

Sometimes it's truly your own voice - slightly obnoxious and telling you to go for it, or somber and 'been there, done that' sounding and telling you to refrain from whatever obnoxious behavior you were about to go for.  Sometimes it's your mother's voice - telling you to do your laundry or a pep talk telling you to never give up.  Sometimes, it's Dad - telling you the race isn't over and to keep on running, and sometimes it's Sissy - compassionate and mood settling or sarcastic and witty and full of comic relief.  Then there's the voice of your past - usually haunting, sometimes comedic.  The voice of your childhood - usually indicating that the easiest cures are found in chocolate milk, chili/slaw dogs, and rainbow snow-cones.

Damn, little Baily sure did have some brains - those things could save the world I think.
Then there's adolescent Baily who indicated the easiest remedies were long, grueling trail runs, a bike ride with Mom and Dad, and a group of hellian friends.
Damn, that Baily sounds fun... and in shape.
Then there's college Baily who can't tell you any remedy - except for wrinkly-headed/smushy-faced boxers and these 3 words: DON'T HOLD BACK.

Don't hold back.
At anything.

Especially love.

No matter how many times my inner voice replays the jokes about my dating record, I'm glad I did it. Because I know things I never would have known, and I know someone now that I probably never would have known in this way.  And as crazy as I sound, I don't care because I've been complimented on how good I look with this smile on my face, and I have finally forgiven everyone in my past.  Fully and graciously, I have forgiven all that forsaked me, and I'm refreshed. I feel like a new person that has shed the scars and snipped the tattered ends that kept me from a smoother, more linear life.  I guess you meet the right person and they hand you the bandaids and the scissors and you get to start repairing yourself. 

Except there wasn't left to be done because I dug so deep to find myself, all the while he was doing the same, and it allowed for growth and a deepening of a relationship because the hard part was over - we did that for ourselves and we have been able to learn more than the "so much" we thought we already knew about ourselves, by being together and understanding one another.

So the inner-voice to me may come in all forms and tones of voices, but the underlying message from them all is that I've done an okay job for myself, getting over all the pain that struck me like lightning at times and tipped me over like a night-time cow at others.  I'm happy, more than content, and I'm reassured that I do the right thing by carrying an open-heart in my chest and thinking with an open-mind.  I took a chance on something that a lot of people thought I was "losing it" and setting up shop in "Looneyville" once and for all. 

But I have a good heart, and a good mind, and those two things have never been more balanced than when I am with this boy.  I just know that I've been blessed by God, and He has never spoken so clearly to me until now.

Don't hold back.

Peace and Love

Baily

i don't hold back, i'm no good then,

i'd rather be good sometimes

than holding back all the time.

-janis joplin