c h a n g e

Every once in a while we find ourselves a little lost.  Sometimes we lose faith, we lose someone we love, or we misread our directions in life.  We make wrong turns, we take bad advice, and we go against our better judgement.  When these things happen, we experience the realness of life.  These experiences make us realize that dreams are merely dreams if we don't face the reality of what it takes to make them come true.  Once again, I find myself at this point.

After a number of 'wrong turns' and a list of bad decisions, I find myself a victim of my own mistakes. 

Being a victim of your own mistakes is the worst of all - because, after all, you play the role of both perpetrator and the one being victimized.  When someone hurts us, we are angry at them, want revenge on them, or want nothing to do with them at all.  But when you hurt yourself, what do you do?  Do you dwell in self-pity? Are you supposed to lash out at yourself?  You can't avoid this person that harmed you because it's you.  Therefore, it comes down to your only two options:  continue to make the same mistakes OR, simply change. 

I have decided to choose the latter option.  I'm going to change.

Except this time, it is not a "cold turkey" change.  It isn't something that I decided to do one day out of the blue.  I have been changing.  The inner-most depths of my heart and soul have endured heartache and pain and learned lessons the hard way.  Therefore, I can take what I learned from my past darkest hours and use it to shine some light on the gloom that creeps around me.  As for the people I have hurt along the way, I am sorry.  I can only hope that the ones who know me best know that I want to do whatever it takes to make it better, no matter how long that may take.  I find glimpses of joy in knowing that I am prayed for, supported, worried for, concerned for, cared for, and most of all - loved. 

I have a strong & loving family, a supportive boyfriend who loves me as well, and a multitude of well-wishing friends.  I am surrounded by love, which brings me peace as well as happiness.  I have past mistakes that serve as a reminder that no matter how tough life may get, it goes on.  I have a certain amount of jadedness that edged me and shaped me into knowing that it isn't about how many times you fall down in life as long as you get back up.  There is an understanding inside of me that knows that suffering is a part of life, but enough knowledge in me, too, that assures me that there are plenty of things to rejoice in at the same time.  I have faith in a Lord that never leaves me, provides for me, and gives me a fortress and refuge.  I have a book that is filled with the truth and is a lamp unto my feet.  I have love, guidance, and new direction in so many ways.

That is why I know that it doesn't end here.  As a victim of my own mistakes, I am in control of fixing those mistakes.  I have a choice to hate myself or love myself or abandon myself.  The love vs. hate - this I struggle with but I always come to the conclusion that I will find a way to love myself no matter what.  That was one of the lessons learned the hard way - if I love myself, others will love me as well.  If I hate me, hate will linger and ruin much more than just the soul that dwells inside of me.  If I abandon myself, I will waste the ambition, perserverance, and self-actualization that is still a part of me.  Although darkened by shadows of my past mistakes, those things are still very much there and are the sails that will carry me back out to sea when my ship is repaired.

So, as I prepared to be worked on - nurtured, loved, supported, and cared for by the family and friends I mentioned above, I just want to say thank you for those that love me despite my self-circumstance.  We all live in this world together but experience LiFe in such different ways... even though I expect very few people or no one at all to understand me and this transition I find myself in, I still hope that I am allowed to prove myself again and regain the respect and admiration that I once had of so many people.  I've let some people down - mostly that strong and loving family I hold so dearly, but I am confidant in this very moment because of the confidance they continue to instill in me - even in my darkest hour.

Great distances are covered one step at a time. -Anonymous

Thank you to those that support me and love me.  And for those that don't, I understand your disappointment.  I have disappointed myself but have also made myself proud by doing what is best for me at this particular point in life.  I hope I can gain the chance to overcome these disappointments - this is my very prayer. 

After all, it is a winding road when you're in the lost and found. Even more, I'm turning around and changing my life.  I will never give up.

Peace and Love

Glory to God

b a i l y