wednesday: frame your mind

Happy Wednesday!

It's good ole "Hump Day" in the middle of the week...

I hope you are finding yourself in a 'glass half-full' mindset today and not the 'glass half-empty' kind.  I know that's an old saying but I really am aware of how much attitude, perception, and outlook can determine the actuality of circumstances.  For instance, the day that I decided my past could and should be the very thing that fuels the fire that will blaze my future trails, I almost instantaneously began making strides toward a healthier lifestyle.  My attitude cleared the way and my mindset has kept me along this safer path.

I think of my mindsets that I have had over the past five years and it is clear to me that the happier times, the times I felt the most loved & included, along with feeling good about myself were the phases in my life when I had a positive attitude about life in general. 

It wasn't that life had neccessarily stopped throwing curveballs at me during those times - because life never stops throwing them, but it was the mental fitness I had that helped me determine whether to swing, let it pass me by, or catch it and throw it right back at wherever it came from.  Just like being up to bat.  It's all about the mental aspect at that point.

When Dad was sick with cancer, I studied his mind and body mastery.  His attitude triumphed over his circumstance.  My father was (and is) heroic in the way he showed me that attitude always wins. He showed me that bad circumstances need really really good attitudes in order to be handled best. He taught me that good circumstances need humble attitudes and grateful attitudes in order to be blessings and not self-destructive distractions.  Like all things in life, this too, must find balance. 

I was always a believer growing up, but it wasn't until the dreadful diagnosis of stage IV non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that I found the personal relationship with the Lord.  I was learning at a very young age that life was a series of tests except it wasn't like school where you get taught the lesson and then are tested on it.  In life, you are tested, and then you learn the lesson.  This is sometimes a frustrating concept to grasp, but I know now that it was preparation for my future. 

Since that day in February 1999, my Savior has continued to rescue me, keep me afloat, and get me safely back to shore.  I trust my Lord that He will not give me more than I can handle, at at times, I have wondered why He has such great faith in me because He sure does work in mysterious ways with me, but the main thing I can be grateful for is that I learned the kinds of things you just need to throw back and not lug around with you throughout your whole life.

Like a dark past.

Like a big mistake.

Like a group of people who go out of their way to hurt you.

Like friends who didn't care enough to get to know the real me.

Like the ghosts of boyfriends' past.

Like the silly stuff that doesn't matter.

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

peace and love

~bjj~

Read this blog post from April 13th last year >>> click here.

I wrote about my personal testimony and how my preparation for the big lessons in life were learned throughout my Daddy's twelve years as a "cancer patient"...

Only hours later did the irony of that blog post really hit home.  Literally, hit home.

Later that night, I lost everything in a house fire.  God was listening to me as I shared my testimony to the blog world and He gave me my next big lesson because I plain out asked for it. I needed direction, and he gave it to me admist chaos, smoke, and flame.  I've found my direction - to follow Christ and have that intimate personal relationship with Him and not wander on my own like I did for so long.

I've learned, and I'm ready.

Lord, have your way with me.

Happy Monday!

Being back in Orlando meant that I got to visit the David Yurman store to replace some pieces of jewelry that were lost in the fire.  I lost this bracelet - except I had the pearl tipped one instead of amethyst.

Since I have had to replace A LOT of things, I find myself a little queazy at the thought of replacing things identical to what I had. 

Just because I find it difficult to buy the exact same thing again. 

I guess there are two ways of looking at it, but I find it easier to cope with it all if I can 'change it up' a little bit with each purchase.  For instance, I replaced cowboy boots but a different style.  I replaced bedding, but more 'me' than what I had bought 3 years ago.  I replaced clothes that are similar to what I had, but not the exact same.  It has just made it more fun and a whole lot easier.

I picked up Mr. Clay's present while I was at Mall at Millenia as well.  I think he's going to love it & we'll have so much fun with it!  It's right up his artsy and creative alley, if you ask me!

 I must say, he's pretty fun to shop for! :) 

While I was there I also stopped by Forever 21 to replace some of the funky jewelry that I miss dearly.

Again, I didn't replace the same exact things - but I picked up some costume necklaces (beads and turquoise of course) and some earrings and one really clunky and fabulous ring.  I've always loved my funky rings!!!

Today I get my haircut and highlighted.  Mom found a great place in Titusville, over on the Atlantic coast.  Even though it's cold outside, the famous Florida sunshine is still beaming, and I am excited about the pretty drive over there.  It is totally fun living close to water again!  Even though I am only 90 miles from the Gulf and 45 miles from the Atlantic, I am still jealous of Mr. Clay for having Myrtle Beach right across the street from his mailbox.  No wonder he has such fabulous beach wave hair!

Speaking of beach wave hair, I replaced my blow dryer with a Remington one that has a nifty little

feature that gives me some great beach wave hair. 

I'm totally rockin' them now that I'm back in the peninsula!

Hope everyone has a great Monday!

God Bless!

via

peace and love

bai



quote>inspiration>blog

So if you know me, then you are probably my friend on Facebook.  If you really know me, then I have probably let you peep through one of my journals a time or two (except not the juicy stuff, duh).  And if you've been reading my blog, then you've seen me go quote-crazy a time or two.  My Facebook friends see me go quote crazy once a day - usually, and sometimes - even 2 or 3 times a day.  My tweets are often quote-based and my journals are often just a mess of doodled quotes here and there.  I guess that's who I am - a jumbled mess of ideas and words that I wish I could write as well as the person I've quoted.  But nonetheless, that point I was trying to make right there is that I like love quotes.

In school, I've put together a couple of pretty neat projects that were based around quotes even.  I am pretty sure that the wonderful housekeeping ladies @ the Fairfield Inn this summer think I am a hoarder of plastic bins... (that is a special thanks to my Daddy)... and also a hoarder of little scraplets of paper and die-cuts that have meaningful quotes written across them.  Haha, they were totally everywhere - c'mon, I was going through the roughest time in my entire life and so I tended to scribble an inspiring note here and there with high hopes of having just that - high hopes! (And of course I left out any organizational skills that my storage bin loving Dad possibly handed down to me) So when I blew the giant meat-freezer of an air-conditioner that the hotel provides, my little scraps of faith, hope, and love would just go everywhere - absolutely nuts-like... but my gals always had my back and would re-organize them for me on my desk.  Only to be blown away when I got up from the first fire nightmare.  But anyway, I was thinking today (rainy day... the norm for this time of year in Alabama) and thought about how I needed to send down and write and let out some energy that I've needed to exert - and what greater way but to wRiTe!!! None.

But I couldn't think of what I wanted to write about.  Something more than just catching up on what I've been doing.  I needed something a little bit more inspiring than that... just to clear some clouds or smoke or whatever from my head.  So, since I couldn't figure out what to write about I decided I would wait for a good quote to catch my eye and of course that always cures the dreaded writer's block disease.  OF COURSE > a few quotes caught my eye and got me on a little inspirational high... but, in the end, it all comes down to one right? ;)  Well my quote of inspiration for me, myself, and I for today was this (and I hope it maybe inspires whoever else is reading this as well...)

"if there is to be any  p.e.a.c.e  it is to come through b.e.i.n.g and not h.a.v.i.n.g." -henry miller

After what I have been through, there isn't much that I can say to sum it up any better than that.  I have been SO blessed and SO fortunate to  h.a.v.e  all of the things that I do, just 7 months after losing mostly EVERYTHING.  There comes a time in everyone's life, I have come to believe, that you have to get down to the heart of things.  Not just on the surface level, the real level... deep deep down in there.  The soul-wrenching feeling stuff. 

If you are one of the ones that know me, then I'm sure you may have thought that enough had happened to me (the hard way of course) before 7 months ago, and felt the loss with me of all the "things" that seemed to precious to me back then.  Or, if you know me, then maybe you think that I'm a tough little survivor child and I would muster up that inner-strength that I've always been able to show in times of trouble.  If you didn't know me, then you got to read about my journey via this blog that I've seemed to have abandoned here lately.  But either way, you have probably witnessed my passions in one way or another.

-the want to help people
-the need to find the meaning in everything that happens (good and bad)
-the desire to not only find, but also create and keep re-creating, myself
-the love for God, family, and friends
-children
-sports
-new experiences and travel

In basic-mode, those are them - my passions!  Tell me if I am incorrect, but I didn't list a single 'tHiNg' in that list of burning passions I have!  Just meaning, philanthropy, love, children, sports, travel, and creating myself... makes it easier to see, now, why I've been able to handle the brutal amounts of 'stuff' that was lost in that fire. 

But not only did I feel like I lost a lifetime of belongings, I also felt like I lost some success, some hardwork, a couple pieces of my heart, a few tokens from Memory Lane, and a large amount of sanity and peace of mind.  To be brutally honest (and pardon my French) but this summer - I was batshit crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! Spinning out of control and barely keeping my head above water. 

Then I got some of my life back together, I let time do it's thing and move me forward, and I found a peace of mind in myself and in love.  So today when I saw that quote, If there is to be any peace it is to come through being and not having , I truly let it speak to me and ease my mind.  I let the rainy day put me in a tranquil state and I sat down, alone in a room, and I let it remind me of everything I have to be grateful for.  I let it remind me of my passions and how BEING a lover of life and BEING myself is much better than HAVING all of these things to call "mine, mine, mine." 

So, if you were hoping that I would chill it with the quotes on the 'book, my blog, and the tweet-tweets... you are S.O.L. (I'm working on my potty mouth due to my pregnant friend and future job with children... but I'm still Baily).  Everyone needs a good quote once and a while, so if it annoys you I don't care... I get more messages in my FB inbox saying the contrary, so pipe it!

I'm piping it now!

Peace and Love

b a i l y

be as you are

let the rebuilding begin....

Guess what finally came in the mail to my Florida house?
It came in the mail... exactly 6 months to the day after the fire.
THE INSURANCE CLAIMS CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BOOM! Yessss.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am allowed to VERY RESPONSIBLY begin rebuilding my 'assets' that I had in the fire.  Mom is dying to fly me home to hit up the amazing factory stores that the Orlando shopping scene offers.  It's always a bargain shopper's heaven and since she and I are both bargain shoppers... this is a 'playground.'  Sorry Dad, it's only because of the fire.  And we ALL wish that it just would have never happened!

I do at least.  A lot of my life would be a little less complicated and I wouldn't be such an emotional see-saw.  Oh well... life happens and we've just got to ride it out.

But back to the higher end of the see-saw, I GET TO START, well I should say CONTINUE, TO REPLACE MY BELONGINGS!

Of course, I got the neccessities and a few extra goodies here and there for being spoiled and well taken care of, but I get to actually get some furniture ordered, buy a winter coat, get Millie a better leash, an iPod, my infamous bohemian jewelry, and books, and purses.

Speaking of purses... Queen Bargain-Shopper (that's Momma, I'd be the Princess one) found the most BEAUTIFUL grey Coach purse for me. Thanks, Momma!  She got tickled that the style name was 'Hippie'... hahaha.

Guess what I asked my Mom for money for to replace first???
Undies! So, it's off to Victoria's Secret I go.  It's my 6-month post-fire birthday and I finally have claims check cash! :)

Baily

this one moved me

Damn, I don't know.  I don't dwell on it much.

I did wonder, but I'll never know why it happened.

The impulse is to use reason to understand something

that lives beyond reason.  It's the lunatic fringe.

You have to keep your eyes open but you cannot live

your life in fear.  In hindsight, it feels like one of those life

lessons, that good things come of even the worst you can imagine. 

It was a strange time, to say the least. 

The fire.

It was obvious that, eventually, I'd need to stop and create a new

place to call home.  I just had no sense for what was to come next. 

No master plan. 

As it happened, I was thrown into one of the most artistically fulfilling,

one of the lightest in spirit, and certainly one of the most unexpected 

periods in my life.  Here I was, someone who'd lost everything I owned. 

I remember the fire, really well. 

I can still see the trucks arriving and the hose blasting water on my house.

And I didn't even have shoes to wear. 

A moment like that is not one when

you're thinking, "Soon I'll enter into one of the most magical times in my life."

And then wonderfully, that's just what happened. 

IT IS WORTH REMEMBERING THAT IT CAN WORK THAT WAY.

-Tom Petty

 doing his best to explain the unexplainable

When one door closes another opens, in all of life.

The life that I knew, the one with reason and simple sense...

well, it burnt down with my room.

Now, I have this life that opened it's door to me and has supplied me with

new meaning

new ideas

new thoughts

and he put it pretty honestly when he said this period of new beginnings is magical

and beyond reason and of wonder.  It truly is.

P&L

baily

 

Do you ever just have those days when you feel something come over me and you HAVE to take care of it or you cannot find a stride in anything else because this "thing" is

such a B U R D E N ?!?

Oh Em Gee. If I am not having one of those days today. 

I've had this same burden on my heart like 3 or 4 different days the past 2 weeks.

I don't mind this burden though, because it's not prohibiting me to be happy.

It's not distress.  But it's emotion packed, completely. 

Every single day when I wake up, I feel like it is my job to tell everyone I talk to WHY I love them so much.  Not THAT I love them so much.  They know that, or ought to know that, because if I'm going out of my way to talk to them then I am probably in love with them already.  Family, friends, lovers, even people I am unsure about but want to offer second and third chances to.  Here lately, like I said in my post a couple of days ago, I learned how to play poker as far as life goes.  No, not with cards.  But knowing who and what situations and what major events in life that I'm going to hold and fold. 

But no, no real poker princess here... I was never gentle-spirited or patient enough for any of my guy friends to teach me poker or pool.  Most people are surprised by the fact that I can play no card game whatsoever, not just poker, and I don't even know how to HOLD a pool stick.  I always just fetched the beers for everyone and asked entertaining questions to keep the conversation random.  But the poker I did learn, like I said, is about life.  When I mean who and what situations and what events, etc. I mean that in the simplest way possible - that's one of the generalized lessons that underly every specific meaning and theme that I've discovered as I filter through the smoke. 

Who. 

I learned SO vividly WHO was important to me and my life after that fire.  I would have been completley blinded by these false friends still if I didn't endure and press on after that very traumatic event, unless something else came and hit me like a ton of bricks to teach me what I needed to be taught.  I am GLAD I have the knowledge that I have now.  Was I glad then? Hell no!  I mean, I can totally handle the thought of being mislead by a couple of then-very-groovy guy friends.  I mean that based on the holistic friendship I thought I had but even if I only mean it that I could have used the physical strength as I moved bins and boxes and random whatnots from fire scene to Trussville to hotel back to fire house and ESPECIALLY that horrid (now friggin' hilarious) day of moving out of the 1008 pad.  I also learned the bittersweets, like, with Chace.  I learned for a while, how to love someone on a grown-up level and practice maturity - and for once receive it finally- and how to come to terms with the truth I have always known but became blurred by the fire... you can't force feelings.  I couldn't force myself to love him when he so badly wanted to be with me during our different phases over the past 5 years.  I couldn't force him to still look at me in the same ways that he once did.  He waited around for a long, long time on me and continued to give me 2nd chances (and 3rd and 4th..) time and time again when I would 'toy' with the 'idea' of being in a relationship with him and then would run off before I let seriousness creep in to the casuality that I longed for with him for so long.  Then, he put up with a lot of distress that I displayed because of the events on April 13th and how then never subsided, but instead, RAPIDLY and VICIOUSLY multiplied.  Like, oh. my. goodness.  I couldn't get away.  I could run from a bumble bee -or hell, I could squash the pesty thing, and still turn around and run square into a hornet's nest and get absolutely swarmed.  And since, I didn't bring on that distress myself (which we all know is rare, I usually voluntarily leave my paddles behind for reasons none of us know and dive headfirst into the deepest stretches of shit creek - no lie) But since I didn't bring them on, I expected them to all be forgivable and I saw no act of nobleness until now.  I have apologized for taking some of that stress out on the people closest to me.  It is something I hate about myself.  And part of why I have this conviction to tell my appreciation.  The fire also showed me that I do not give my hometown friends the credit that they deserve.  For a lot of people, coming to college means leaving your childhood behind and making this woman life for yourself.  You get your MRS. degree, you bake cookies and pack lunches, you have babies, and you play tennis and meet the gals for lunch.  The college gals.  Your pledge sisters, your barmates, your best friends that formed over powdered donutes at 3am that you convinced one another fed you well enough for the exam you crammed for together, whoever it was that made college the hell of a time that it is.  And then for others, people like ME, college isn't where I found the gals.  Well, I was IN college, but it wasn't AT my college.  I have a higher respect for 'the boriquas' than I would have if I didn't feel the closeness between us all during that difficult time. (And that is not a racial slur, it's an inside joke adopted by the coolest people in the world and completely endorsed by our true boriquas (people from Puerto Rico).  I was reminded who my best friends are, who my love isn't, who my love could be, and who shaped me, molded me, guided me, and saved me.  I've always thanked my Savior.

WHAT SITUATIONS.

Basically, I let things go now.  I listened to McCartney, Lennon, Starr, and Harrison and think that they are life's finest philosophers, really.  I let it be.  I remember what that all truly entails when I refrain from arguing, when I have a refined and polished view of my passions and the things that are truly worth fighting for, and I know the difference between a situation that needs me to keep quiet and a situation that is appropriate enough for me to raise my voice.  I've come to realize that maturity (nature) and my experience with the fire, amongst others too (nurture) have both been working actively at growing me up.  I can literally feel myself growing up if that makes sense.  I guess what I mean is, I am a better self-advocate because I have affirmation that I am a strong and bold and courageous person.  I have that affirmation because I witnessed myself make it out alive, basically.  But more specifically, I outwardly expressed my passion in finding out WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME and why did it happen WHEN IT DID?  I just kept thinking, for most of the day on April 14th, 'damn, momma was right. momma was always right. there IS a reason i'm still in school. i ain't learned it all yet i guess.' Umm.. I have never been more right in my entire life. Er, mom hasn't. Well, yeah.. I guess she has.. she's right about a lot of things and I am not so weird for me and not weird for her I guess I should say.  I know I probably look like this cheeseball of a young woman with my journals and blogs and yearning free-spirit and dreamcatcher attitude but I don't really care... it's working.

Spirit: currently free

Dreams: some caught; currently catching more.

WHAT MAJOR EVENTS.

Right now, I have had to focus on the fire.  It's funny how I was given the fire when I finally gave notion that I can take the bad events and make them good because I am thankful for the results in my personal life and family life that are products of daddy's diagnosis.  But with that said, I'm not trying to get a flood or struck by lightning tonight, Lord.

Anyways....

It doesn't take my child development expertise to know that nature doesn't make us entirely who we are and either does nurture.  Some crazy, psycho extremist like to think otherwise, but us normal people who seem to be the most passionate and impacting people in the bizz-nass say that it is BOTH.  That's why I included that little shout out up there.  So, let me get on my soapbox, hold on.

Ok, thanks for the good looking genes Mom and Daddy.  You are hard to live up to, Zel, but I rock the red lipstick and try.  Dad, you are a handsome man. And no, I'm not asking for money.

But the other part of life, my nurtured side, is a result of the love and support that my 2 biggest fans, well 3 because you can't forget our most important Father, but the experiences in life are a lot richer than the nature I think.  I mean, for the extremo weirdo out there, let me say that I am thankful for the nature side in evolutionary fact that I was MADE into a human being.  Because if 'psychoscientifically' I was born a little mouse or something I'd be super confused and extra psychotic if I didn't know how to "feel" and "express myself creatively" and I would hate SO BAD to feel that small in the world.  It's headache enough at 5'3"/100lb.  But, I am far more ME in terms of quirks, whimsical ways, boldness, secureness, lovingness, and on and on and on... you know - all the things ya feel! I exist because of nature, and I am because of nurture, and the love of God being "life itself" because it is the only thing that is both. The balance between life and death.  We had to come up with a quote in one of my education classes.  I thought it was my lucky day until we were given the blank piece of paper to jot it down on.  Some girls took the easy way out and I felt confidant that I probably knew more quotes than everyone in this room put together and I could blow this one of the water.  Then my pencil wouldn't move.  Funny how my journaling pens take off but those pencils, those schoolhouse #2s man... they get me. Ha. But I decided to not use a Maslow or Freudian quote just because we were to jot down a quote (original or one that inspires you) and share it with the class - as long as it had to do with the class, which was Creative Concepts and Development for Young Children.  Love that class.  I came with an original.  See, I can quote others and I'm reversible! You can quote me! ;) I doubt I'll be sprinkled around Facebook like Carrie Bradshaw and Marilyn Monroe are for girls and Robert Frost and Henry David Thoreau are for boys.  (Ours seem so much more fabulous!)

I just went major off-roading huh. Well, that's what I believe to be true. So let's go on.

I really do believe in the experiences in life.  The divine ones. The bad ones. The ones that leave you in shock - good shock and bad chock. The amazing experiences - the ones you can't live without but you know you are lucky to have even had them. The humbling. The life-changing. The ones you wish you could flush down the toilet.  Because let's face it, the experiences can sometimes leave you so high like sinking the ping pong in the greased-rimmed bowl that seemed impossible and laughing in the carni-man's face and then being haunted by the carni-man laughing at you as Nemo gets flushed down the drain.

Seems like one of those bitter-sweet things I was talking about.  But isn't that what life is?  Are we supposed to lock ourselves in isolation and only see the shallow beauty of the walls that pad us?  I'm supposed to quit trying and never experience being loved and adored again by a guy just because I ought to know by now that my heart is capable of being shredded to pieces?  Or is not inspiring to most everyone when we see a cancer survivor grabbing the world by the lapels and crossing out things on their Bucket List left to the right?  I am so fortunate for good health and the blessings I have in that department, but I'm a survivor in a different way and I, at one time, felt like I was uncurable, untreatable, and I sure as hell did not know how to administer my OWN disease-management.  It was either attacking me or I was in a phase of remission.  It wasn't killing me slowly.  No, not my bad experiences in life... they bite me out of nowhere like when Forrest said the bullet just jumped up and bit him.  In the buttocks.  I was getting canonballs, on the real.

But I survived and I'm gonna start living like I should and not like I could if I didn't want to honor the strength nature and nurture gave me.  The support of others.  The grace of God.  The love of the people who I need to receive love from and good riddance to the ones that I don't.  I am just a new person altogether and I don't want people in my life that are going to bring me down.  The toxicity is too poisonous for me.  I don't have the anti-venom to deal with it and I know exactly who the snakes in the my life's grass are.  Because they are SNEAKY and they are TEMPTATION seekers and they either flare up like a cobra or will turn on you right when you think you have the coolest ball python pet-friend in the world.  A snake is a snake.  They bite you.

But some people don't bite you. And you don't want to give them the big "Bite Me" line and flip 'em a bird.  They make you want to be a better person.  They make you want to grow up and think about the things in life that really matter - friends, family, security, growth, happiness, and all the other things.  And once you get to the part of your life that all of this becomes so extremely clear and easy to see, you develop the next thing and that is this conviction I am talking about.  This good burden that I wake up with that tells me to write a letter, pay $.44 to send a one-liner or inside joke on the back of a post card a mile down the street so a friend can get some snail mail and maybe make her day better since she makes yours better, and they make you want to pick up the phone and have the awkward phone etiquette and not care because you got to catch up with an old partner-in-crime.  So, if you haven't received a phone call or a post card or a letter, I pretty much hate you.  Haha, just kidding...

No but I do enjoy other things like: being lazy, procrastinating, getting assignments done, obsessing over sports, and blogging other random shenanigans.  So, give me some time.  It DOES NOT mean that I hate you or that I love you any less.  I also have not half-assed some of my important and sincere and most convicting ones.  I wrote a 15 page letter to the Pastor of First Baptist Trussville a couple of days ago and put it in the mail today.  I've written letters to people age 2 to 82 so I have a lot of people to cover and a lot of other things on my agenda too... and hey, I'm not perfect so I'll go ahead and admit it.... changing your attitude about life, being humbled by God, and being blessed with a blank slate means that there are a lot of convictions that you have to take care of in order to put your old self behind you.  Because on the straight and narrow, you can't just turn 90 degrees and make a half-way change in yourself and then start walking forward.  No, you'd be walking DIRECTLY off path.  I mean, I'm taking a road less traveled and all but I'm going to stick with the northbound direction on this North/South bound path we all get our own version of.  The idea of just turning around and going N instead of S makes this 90 degree turn a completely straight shot on the East-West bound unmarked course.  Uhhh.. NO THANKS!

(We all know how great I was at getting lost on those cross-country trail runs.  I spent most of my Monday nights one thing and that was, simply lost!)

But God is blazing my trail.  Quite literally.  The puns aren't intended.  But we do use fire as a figure of speech a lot.  And LORD HAVE MERCY with the SONGS that mention fire.  Holy moly!  I mean, those experiences are the ones you gotta just look into the eye and send the flames back to hell.  Go to hell, my foe.  Thanks for all of these lessons, but I'll be on my way now!

And I am on my way now.  Not just alive.  Alive and well.  And that is the not-so bitter-sweet but the sweet-sweet.

Peace and Love

Baily

peace and love

I have one of the more "strange" weekends of my life behind me.

I guess lately a lot of it has to do with facing a lot of those personal demons I struggle with.

The nightmares, the fact that since that fire started in my room I beat myself to death with blame when it's not my fault, and for the mistakes I made in friends and foe.  I'll tell anyone that one of the truths about me is that I have a zero-second rebound rate.  Nothing anyone can say to me, do to me, or giveth and taketh away from me, is going to keep me down long.  I made that promise to myself as a young girl and I think that is one value that no peer pressure nor any devilish demon I can scheme up in my mind can take away from me.

I guess some things we decide what we giveth and we choosewhat we taketh.

I've taken my share of bad times and I'm over it now.

I'm only going to take the good.

That goes for: friends, love, places I go, things I buy, how I spend my free time, and ya know - everything.

Life has opened up a few can's of you know what on me before and left me feeling defeated. 

But I bounced back.  I always bounce back. 

 In my very first blogpost, I wrote this:

I believe that drive and hard-work amount to being successful.

But I believe more in perseverence.  I think the more times someone gets knock down, as long as they get back up and try again - those are the most successful. Just because one person has a harder time getting to a certain place doesn't mean they are less successful or less deserving of being there than someone who had an easier way with things.

So I'm going to stay true myself and keep pressing on even when life has a funny way with things.  I mean, how many detours is there going to be?  Am I 'stuck' in a friggin' construction zone or something?  That's what I was thinking for a while there this summer.  Friends and family rarely saw me without mascara running down my face in tears or a grossly sweaty fatigue from running around like a chicken with my head cut off all summer. 

I literally felt like I was just sucked into a tornado, spinning and going up and down - catching a glimpse of disaster here or a ray of unexpected sunshine there.  Bi-polar... my life was hot and cold.  A scary disaster swooped me into this whirlwind of life's lessons all at once while it fiercely destructed everything else precious to me.  But in the eye of the storm I was protected by the God that sent the fury my way in the first place.  So I rode it out and trusted Him... He sent it... He'll either send it away, send me through, or send me home and I'm done being scared of any of them.

I look at that fire in the face now.  I've told it in these blogs, in my personal writings, and literally out loud everytime one of it's salvages slaps me across my face.

Like when I am looking for something and a charred metal cross jumps out at me and the smell was so real that I could almost SEE the stink. 

When things like that happen I just tell myself to quit being a whiney baby about it because if me, myself, and I plan on being here for 60+ more years - there are bound to be some crazy, scary, horrifying things that lay ahead.  If I can't take a punch to the gut now, I'll never get to the end of that Bucket List.

And that is what keeps me going - every. single. day.

I had no idea when I wrote that up there, that God was about to send a tornado of flames ripping through my little college cottage's bedroom. 

I don't know if I would have WANTED to know.  I don't know what I would have saved.

I don't know what I would have thrown out.  I just don't know how to make those decisions for myself, but I am not going to be a future "Hoarders" episode - come on.

I just don't know - yet, what I would giveth and taketh away.

I doubt anyone else would either.

In my 'Listology' book, there is a list asking

things i would take if my house were burning down

I made the list.  Now, there's an asterick beside that list that says

you don't take anything. you go crazy then get you and everyone else out

We're not supposed to decide the giveth and taketh away parts.

We can't arrange a divine meeting with a Spiritual Leader.  God does that.

We can't pick our soul-mate.  He's got that one taken care of as well.

We can't buy a study-aid for life's test.  He giveth those lessons to us with "life."

We can't decide our fate.  Yep, better believe it.

We can't choose the way we leave this earth.  God definitely does that.

But, we DO get to decide how we live it while we are here. 

I'm going to stick with the girl I was on August 20, 2009 and keep perservering.

I think that the August 2009 me had a good head on her shoulders and I am really proud of my honesty with myself this past year.  A lot has happened but I still firmly believe in the things that I wrote in my little ediary here. 

Like this one:

I admire the person that stands out in a crowd.  I admire the one who thinks creatively, the one who surpasses the text-book version of things and creates new ideas instead.  And I admire the one who intrigues us all even if we are looking at them like they are the biggest freak we've ever seen - hey, at least we're looking!

And this one:

I think the past defines the future;

 your friends are the family you get to choose;

and our family members are the friends we want the most.

I can't say that this calendar year has held ALL good decisions and I definitely can't say that the winds have been calm and sails smooth.  But, I can say that I have stayed true to myself in heart, spirit, faith, and love - despite this year being a top 3 on the shitty list.

But, I shouldn't think of it that way because I've learned a lot and I told myself I'd work as long as I could at getting over personal tragedy so that I can look back one day with no regrets.  So I guess that is where I am right now - the storm has passed (this one at least) and it's time for rebuilding, reflection, and reorganizing...

It just feels good to not be a time for needing.  I'm more of a giver than a taker when it comes to the things in life that we DO have a little bit of control over.  So when on of those things that we don't have control over happens to me, I hate having to ask for help.  That's one of those things that gives a little more meaning to the fire, now that I realize I am okay with asking for help while being a giver to the needy at the same time.  I learned you can be both.

A giver and a taker.  That's how the human life really is all possible I guess. 

When I think of the things that makes me happy I think of meaningful conversation, the company of friends and family, and love.  Every single one of those things takes me being a GIVER and a TAKER.  In communication, in feeling, in interaction. 

Check it off the list... lesson learned.  I am both.

I just really needed to vent that out and 'tis what this bloggity thing is for, right?

I just woke up from a nap and am on a hunt to finding my medicine so I do not expect this to make all that much sense... but maybe.  I'm probably going to have to take that medicine before I sit down and read it myself.  Ha.

peace for your mind and love for your life

baily

self-revelation

Today's been a good day. I took a break from running errands and doing lesson plans and just let myself sort of breathe. Ahhh, finally!

I woke up and walked Millie on an intended 1.5 mile walk. We made it halfway. I must have missed the phase where 9am felt like a sunny-but-cool Spring morning. Summer's here, needless to say. I almost died. Then I thought of how much of a badass I must have been when I was in high school and practiced cross-country at 3pm, on the deadly heat of Orlando's asphalt, and in the fiery furnace of August & September in Central Florida. Since I didn't see my dad standing there pushing me along on every turn like I did in a race, I very graciously veered Millie "off-course" and took the short-cut home. And still almost died.

Since I almost died, I figured I must've burned some calories so I got in the driver's seat of my car and Millie hopped in the passenger seat and we drove to Jack's. I was hell-bent and determined I was going to have me an order of biscuits 'n gravy. They were simply amazing. Millie says, "mine was too!" Except she had an order of hashbrowns.

I took my time getting my things together, but I eventually headed over to CrimsonPlace condominiums to meet some friends at the pool. I got to catch up with Kathleen, finally, which is a hard task because she's taking an interim class, a Master's student, a lifegaurd by day, and bartender by night. Getting a lunch in with her, which lasts under an hour usually, is as hard as the secondary education and history classes that consume her. So you know how excited I must be to have seen her today, and am seeing her again tonight! I've blogged about her before. She's equally as passionate about fulfilling her life goals as I am and she's got a style and grace that is all her own. If I am a Woodstock loving, vinyl record collecting, free-spirit, then she is denim and diamonds, driving for Dale and dancin' to Hank kind of girl that channels a true June Carter. When you get us together, give us a Light beer, and turn us loose to a country cover band, you're bound to see a show. Equally clumsy, too, so usually one of us is on the ground and the other is pointing and laughing.

I got to see Kayley at the pool, too, and I don't think I've ever found myself with my two closest friends, in the middle of the day, poolside in quite some time. It feel ahhh-mazing! Kayley had cooked dinner at her boyfriend and one of my best guy friend's apartment last night and had me over to eat. We had yummy chicken and scalloped potatoes and watched the Dancing With The Stars results show. I was sad to see Ochocinco go home, but I would have screamed bloody murder if Erin Andrews was sent home. It would have been that incredibly painful for me. Monday night when the episode showcased the celebrity's background and life, I was moved by Erin. Everyone knows that I idolize her because of her passion for her school (even though it is UF and all) and because of her success in my "other" dream career. (see my other blog here) But her ability to come out and do a show that is so daring and performance-oriented made me have NOTHING but utmost respect for her. After her showcased biography during Monday night's performance round, she came out and kicked some serious ass and made a statement for women everywhere that have been victimized by sexual harassment. All I can say is, bravo! And to Kayley's cooking, bravo! I'm looking forward to having a good time with good friends, and the term 'good friend' is an understatement for Kayley. Her goodness to me was so bountiful after the fire. She thought to bring me makeup, hair tools, toiletries, under garments, socks, razors, nail files, the little things that make a big difference when they aren't taken for granted. I hadn't even realized that I lost all the little things like nail clippers and tweezers, but she did. There aren't enough good things I can say about a friend like that. The kind of friend that walks in when everyone else walks out.

That's why I don't care that I haven't heard from KG, BB, WP, and many others that I thought were my "best friends" before I was struck with this personally huge disaster. It's funny, too, because as I talked to Kathleen and Kayley about how I believe in soulmates now, I told them that things happen so that we can see who and what are supposed to be in our lives... and not only that, but do you know what the one thing is that sets a regular learning experience apart from the truly life-changing? You find out the WHY to go along with the who and what. Maybe I was that far from God and He needed something to happen that challenged my mind and my heart, but also my soul and my life in general. I learn new reasons WHY everyday when I stop myself from complaining about my plastic dresser and my bare walls, and instead praise God for giving me clothes to even need a plastic dresser, and for giving me the plastic dresser because some people have nothing. I praise him for the walls that keep me sheltered, and pray for the people who do not know of such a thing. And you find people that admire you and you find an even deeper admiration for them because they stopped to notice the positive change in your life. These things, these are the why's.

Today Kayley said something as I was walking away from the pool and Kathleen agreed. It feels good to know that the Lord's work in my heart is showing on the outside. I refuse to hide it under a bushel. I heard her say this, "Baily's a changed person because of this. That fire was life-changing for her." 

I needed the change. I needed the Lord to work in mysterious ways on me. And he has. Bravo, God! Bravo!

Peace&Love

Baily

hgtv?

Well, here I am. All moved in. And guess what? I don't think I'm as neurotic as I (and some others) think I am!! Considering where I slept last night. But on the downside, I still get on those famous "high horses" of mine. Like when I posted a blog a couple of weeks ago and told you that I would NEVER, EVER, not in a million years would I, move back in to the same bedroom that I watched burn down.

Well, Millie's got a foot in her mouth for me. (Her 'Granna' sent her this because Millie used to bite at my toenails when she was a little itty bitty thing and my mom insisted that this [according to her] looks like my "ugly curvy feet." Gee, thanks! Sadly enough, the missing polish on the big toe does in fact look like mine right now. Who wants to go get pedis?)

At least I sounded convincing when I first went on my rage of refusal. It wasn't all that bad, though. New bed, new linens, new paint on the walls, and some new pretty tile on the floors that not only look better than the ancient, puppy-stained, grey, 'wanna-be berber' carpet but they remind me of being in my parent's clean and tiled Florida home. There's not too much decor, but I love my bohemian influence I threw in there. I dig the magenta, turquoise, mustard yellow, and lime green flare!

My wonderful and adorable boyfriend borrowed Tyler's truck and brought me some furniture. I'm going to paint my desk magenta with a creamy colored "crackle effect." I understand if you don't know the savvy Sherwin-Williams terms. I don't either. I was asked if I wanted a flat, satin, or glossy finish for my paint and I answered "flat." Then I was told I'd be getting satin. Sooooo, why'd ya even ask? Between he and Tyler, I have two very confident Sherwin-Williams managers in my life. Help me God, there is more to this life than high-quality paint, right? I had to add the high-quality part so that I don't get in trouble by tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. I didn't make up those nicknames, let me get that clear, my Dad did and even though I love you both dearly, I must take Butch's side on this one.

I was going to paint the hand-me-down beside table, but then one of the Sherwin-Williams experts mentioned sandpaper and that idea went out the friggin' window. I don't like sandpaper. It somehow has the advantage over me when it comes to my phobia of the dentist. Call me crazy, but if  you would be too if you had to go through 23097 sets of front teeth and had to spend half your life in a dentist chair while they did whatever was done that felt oddly like taking sandpaper and going to town on my bonded, capped, and veneered pearly whites. Thank heavens for laughing gas (which made nothing about any of my dental experiences funny) and sometimes a tiny dose of Valium. So, sandpapering is a no-go! I still have my 14 different Wal-Mart lists thrown amongst the house, in true fire-refugee style, so I am adding a table cover to one of them and hope I remember it when I get inside the doomed place. I hate Wal-Mart. Still. Target girl 4 Life!

Thanks to everyone that has helped me get things rolling in my new, well newly renovated, dwelling. I have a lot to be thankful for and I will honor the Lord and praise Him for helping me through this hard time every night that I lay my head down to sleep on my very OWN bed! And maybe an afternoon nap here and there. What? Twenty-something year olds get tired, too.

Peace&Love

Bai

p.s. This is how Millie was playing with her toy while I was writing this.

What a weirdo.

Can you tell she blongs to me?

Not because she's weird, but because of those fantastic legs! ;)

Pardon the pictures. Resulting from the fire, I am camera-less. And I'm pretty sure my CrackBerry camera has a few smudges on the lense. More later? Possibly, maybe not. I'm busy ok.

i just can't hide it

Today I get my mattress. I don't really know if words can describe how absolutely happy I am. Last week I had a freak-out session that was not very pretty. When I got back to my old house to move back in I realized just how empty that place was and how I didn't have any posessions. I had been living at the hotel for so long, then on my hiking trip, then staying a couple of nights at Ashley and Tyler's in Trussville, and I completely forgot that I didn't have a bed to lay down on, furniture to organize my things in, or anywhere with privacy to sit down and do work on lesson plans. Needless to say, I have the best mom in the world and she went researching mattresses and found us a good deal. So, here I wait for it!

I AM REALLY EXCITED!!! And Chace is bringing me some furniture!!!!!

Thanks Momma! I love you! You too Dad!

Peace&Love

Bai

random thoughts about my upside-down life

Even before the fire happened, I began feeling like I have changed in a lot of ways.  Now, since the fire, I have seen a completely different side of myself than before.  Maybe it is because I have been able to put things in better perspective due to all of my losses, or maybe it is because reality can sometimes be even scarier than a bad dream, in which case you can't snap out of it or wake up to smell the coffee... you just have to do it. 

I've been having my high's and low's ever since my parents left me Monday afternoon.  Sure, the fatigue and unknowing outcome of our situation resulted in some petty arguments between one another this past week at times, but I really am blessed to have such a wonderful connection with both my mother and my father.  The sister that I have is not like most sisters, whatsoever.  I really can't even express in words how much she has meant to me in all of my 22 years of life, but her actions this week speak louder than any words I could ever say.  She jumped out of bed when my mom called to tell her the house was on fire and was immediately at the scene.  Maybe the series of panic attacks I was facing that night as I watched the Tuscaloosa Fire Department swarm my house made me lose track of time, but I am still trying to figure out how she got out of bed, in the car, and to Tuscaloosa as fast as she did.  She has temporarily adopted Millie while I get everything with my living situation settled and she has been my constant rock throughout this whole ordeal.  I knew I was blessed before, but now I am overwhelmed with the fact.

My roommate and fellow fire-refugee, Jackie, is staying at the same place as I am.  We both stay busy, trekking back and forth to class, and not to mention the two or three trips to Wal-Mart we both do each day.  We've frequented Hooters for wings and Coors Lights, and yes - have become friends with the management.  Classy.  Aside from the usual stress of school (well for me it has been amplified due to the loss of textbooks and reference materials) Jackie and I have been able to find a little humor in our situation, which is probably a big help to the positive attitude I strive for each morning.  Yesterday as I was on my way back from running an errand I received a text message from her saying, "Bring me some tweezers down to my room."  I scanned my bathroom for a mental note of where I last saw my tweezers and texted her back that I would bring them to her.  Then, I just laughed out loud as I was sitting at a traffic light.  The mental note I had made of my bathroom was the bathroom at 1008 Oak Avenue.  I don't even have tweezers, who am I kidding?  I texted her back, "Nevermind, scratch that. Put it on the Wal-Mart list."

Our friends Whitney and Emily came to visit us last night.  Emily brought her little Yorkshire terrier over (hidden in a tote bag) and it made me miss Millie.  I hate not being with her.  Ever since I brought her home from the Cracker Barrel in Rainbow City, Alabama on June 18th of last year, it has been hard to remember what life was like without her.  Nothing is better than coming home from a long day of classes and seeing her get so excited to have me home.  I went the longest without her when she stayed in Orlando with my parents after I got back from Pasadena in January.  She stayed at Granna and Big Butch's house to recover from her "girl surgery" she had.  It was a long month, having to come home and see her crate empty and not having my best bud around.  Then it was even hard, but at least I had a book shelf full of familiar books, thousands of songs to perk me up on my iTunes, and a house full of friends and their dogs to keep my mind off of her absence.  Now, it's the pictures of her that I uploaded to facebook before the fire that remind me of her presence and bountiful love.  Oh yeah, and the wonderful sister/Millie's legal guardian of mine is willing to meet me halfway to see the little pig tomorrow.  But, as cozy as my two double beds and window-unit AC are, I think I'm going to go the extra distance tomorrow after class so that I can relax in a more "homey" place for a little while and visit my favorite girls.  And, maybe another contributing factor is Thirsty Thursday at the Birmingham Baron's baseball game. 

Pray for me these next couple of weeks because my frustration with school is, like I said, a little bit more amplified now that most of my work, books, notes, etc. are all part of a fire scene.  I have great teachers and the university, in general, has been good to us.  The dean of students called Jackie on our behalf and asked if we needed clothes, student loans, supplies, or anything else.  Maybe that is expected in a case like this, but I am fortunate for the good people that work together to make the Tuscaloosa and UA communities such a wonderful place to be a part of.  It really is a great place, and even though I sometimes snarl or am, at times, quick to blame the school or this town for my bad attitude, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the experiences that have taken place here.  I've come a long way in these 5 years and I love each person, place, and thing that have contributed to making me, me!

Before I get back to my studies, let me just point out a few of the perks of living like refuge! There is good to every bad.... that's one of the things I have discovered through all of this.

• free continental breakfast
• free coffee, 24/7
• sometimes the free coffee has a cookie jar beside it
• interstate noise = good sleep.  frat-daddy's keg parties on Oak Ave = not good sleep.
• the ice machine here actually works
• friends w/ Hooters management = comp'ed meals and bar tabs
• no laundry, everything I wear is brand new
• no fighting over the AC/Heater with 5 very different temperatured girls
• housekeeping
• do not disturb door hangers
• workout facility
• fully loaded snack machine
• actual water pressure in the shower... it's amazing how much it affects your hair when you actually get all the shampoo and conditioner out of it
• Distance to Wal-Mart = 1 mile. Before? 4 miles.

Well, I could probably ramble forever... some things never change.  But, seriously, I have many reasons to smile each day and I find ways to laugh so that I can keep this positive attitude in check.  I'm a typical girl still... with hormones, and stresses, and episodes of self-pity but this new side of myself that I have seen show has been more womanly than childish.  Figures, right? I'm four months shy of being 23 years old and a college graduate, so I ought to be more mature than I was. 

I have to be honest though... the fact that before the fire my biggest worry was that I didn't have a clue where I was going to go after graduation in August.  Now, I not only have an agenda for the near future in my life, but I don't even know where I'm going to live come next week when my stay at the hotel expires.  All I know is, wherever I go next week or in four months from now.. I won't be packing much, I'll always remember it as the beginning of my new journey, and I'll go into it full-force because I won't let this fire stop me or slow me down in life. 

Remember my blog post about "all life is is 3 or 4 days that shape the rest of it?"  Well, April 13th is just going to be one of those days that will shape the rest of my life from here on out.  I'm just glad I have so clearly seen the positives of one of my life's negatives, because I have a feeling my life will be way happier if I let it shape me in a positive way, don't you agree? So, here here!

Peace&Love
Bjj

fire faith family friends

You yourself have done this plenty of times,

 spoken words that clarify, encouraged those who were about to quit.

Your words have put stumbling people on their feet,

put fresh hope in people about to collapse.

Job 4:3-4 (MSG)

The way I remember last Tuesday night was just like any other random night of the week.  During the day I had done some laundry, worked on school work, gone to class, and met with my group for our assignment.  I took a late evening shower, ate dinner, and waited to hear back from one of my best friends to decide whether or not we were going to grab a cocktail somewhere or not.  By the time 10pm approached, I figured she hadn't finished her work, so I planned for a relaxing evening watching a movie on the couch with one of my roommates.  My exhaustion was far greater than it should have been on a Tuesday, anyways, so I was relieved to snuggle up in the living room with my dog, Millie, and rest up for a long week that was supposed to be ahead of me.  Little did I know  then, but the exhaustion I felt was extremely mild in comparison to the fatigue I'm experiencing today.

Right as Elena, Whitney, and I were getting in to the movie we were watching, I smelled the very distinct smell of electricity burning.  I jumped off the couch and ran in to our kitchen.  Even though we aren't the  little Martha Stewart types, we are usually pretty responsible girls.  So it didn't surprise me that there wasn't anything burning in the kitchen.  But as I frantically tried to figure out where the burning was coming from, I saw a little trickle of smoke creep out from underneath my bedroom door.  As I opened the door to my room, I was engulfed in a cloud of dark grey smoke that was instantly joined with my bedroom window on the opposite side of the room shattering.  I looked over to the wall behind my bed and all I saw was flames.  Big flames.  The kind of flames that I knew better than to try to put out. 

Get everyone out. Where's Millie? Get Jackie down from upstairs before this gets out of control.  Scream. Call 911.  Oh my God, we don't even have a fire estinguisher.  Get everyone out! Get the dogs! Call 911!

All of those thoughts raced through my mind.  Elena jumped up immediately and ran to take a look at the flames blazing across my walls.  She screamed at Jackie to get downstairs. She thought smartly and said we needed to shut the door to contain the fire.  Whitney called the fire department, I called, Jackie called.  Everyone was frantically running around.  Jackie and I's dogs were running everywhere as Elena and I ran upstairs to get her dog from being closed up in her room.  The smoke was upstairs already and was making it hard to see as we ran back down the stairs and screaming for everyone to help us.  Millie ran inside and yelped at my door, using her Boxer instinct and pawing at my door.  She saw me come from upstairs and followed me outside as I screamed for our neighbors to help. 

Out of nowhere, a boy around the same age as us, ran inside and making sure everyone was out... he looked at me very seriously and asked where our estinguisher was.  I told him we didn't have one and he ran out and across the street to the beer store, JD's Food Mart, and got theirs.  He ran back inside as I begged him to get out. Our house is old, it could collapse on him.  If he opens that bedroom door, the whole house is going to burn down.  More so, If he opens that door he could pass out and be seriously trapped.  WHERE THE HECK IS THE FIRE TRUCK? IT'S BEEN 10 MINUTES SINCE WE CALLED. WHY CAN'T I EVEN HEAR THEM COMING? WHERE ARE THE SIRENS?

I called my dad's cell phone and woke him and my mom up.  All I could say - I mean, scream - was "Everything's going to be gone! I saw the flames! They're all over my room!"  He tried to calm me down and my mother dropped to her knees in prayer.  I have never felt such panic and terror in my life.  The fire rescue unit arrived approximately 15 minutes after I called the dispatcher.  They walked (not ran) inside my house and, by "protocol", checked behind every door to make sure no humans or animals were left inside the house.  I kept screaming at them to get the hoses, I begged them to hurry and get into my room, I swore to them I got everyone out of the house.  An emergency medical technician walked over to me and practiced breathing rhythms with me.  "Baily" came back when I threw my hands in the air and said, "don't waste your time... I'm one big mess of anxiety attacks, I do this all the time."  He laughed at me.

About 15 minutes after they finally went in and around the house with their fire hoses, a nice man in a fire-fighter's suit came over to me and informed me that they put the flames out.  The man that followed him asked me who's room was the far rear one.  I couldn't help but notice the clear regret in his voice.  He told me that everything was pretty much destroyed but that I was lucky to get everyone out.  He patted Elena and I on the back for "keeping the fire contained in the one bedroom by shutting the door behind us" and then he told us that we "probably saved the whole house from imploding."  My things! Everything is gone. Everything... what am I going to do?  I couldn't put my mind around it.  I still can't.

For He will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help.

Psalm 72:12  

As things began to die down, one of the fire rescuers went inside the house to look for my jewelry case and anything else that I could think of that might be of valuable and/or salvagable.  Luckily, he found the few things I told him but I wanted to see it all for myself.  I was able to be escorted into my room and as I saw the view from the other side of all the trucks that lined our street that night, I also saw how many people had come to see what was going on.  It was surreal, and I later found out that the main road (Paul Bryant Drive)  which intersects with our little side street (Oak Avenue) had been blocked off until about 1:30AM or so.  As I walked inside I saw grey smoke covering everything like a blanket and then I saw the entrance to my bedroom.  It was charred, black.  I walked in and saw everything that I expected to see.  When the fire-fighters told me to expect the worst, I did.  I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

the fire started on the wall behind my bed

the window that shattered

my closet; clothes were burnt and/or melted together by plastic hangers

Before Tuesday night, I had never really stepped back and looked at everything I owned.  I thought I had.  I mean, I have always prided myself on the fact that I stay socially aware.  The day before the fire, I wrote a blog about homelessness and how to help the needy.  The day of the fire, I wrote a blog about my faith and how I am one of those people who find strength during difficult times.  Just hours before everything I possessed went up in flames, I wrote about my Lord and Savior and how he provides for me, shelters me, and comforts me.  Yet, I wrote about how He tests me and puts me through trial after trial in order to strengthen my faith and remind me that I am nothing unless I cling to his Righteousness.  In that same blog I wondered how people saw miraculous things as coincidence rather than the divine power of God.  Now, I question  the non-believer's philosophy beyond just wonder.  I simply cannot understand their thoughts on this sort of thing.  What scientific equation, I want to ask them, can explain why I wrote that blog just a few short hours before this happened.  Why had I not locked Millie in her crate while I enjoyed a cocktail with my friend Kayley? Why was I not asleep in that bed where the fire started if I was so tired from my long day? The only answer I can think of is this:  God didn't plan for me to be there and He spared me from danger because He has something very special planned for me in life.  His master plan had me being in the living room and not in the bed, and He had everything planned accordingly so that Kayley wouldn't  finish her schoolwork in time to go out for a drink with me.  It happened the way it was supposed to, just like everything else does.

Even though I think of myself to be socially aware and an advocate for social change, I apparently was not as aware of my personal things.  I am grateful for things, but I am guilty of stumbling into selfish ways at times.  I wouldn't say that I am a snob or a materialistic girl in the ways that usually describe this type of girl - you know, the girls that won't get dirty, that carry their pooch named "Chloe" around in a canine purse or whatever you call those things, and drive around in their $80,000 car, and who pay $300 for a haircut and blonde highlights.   I feel like I am materialistic in the way that I am fortunate to have nice things because of parents who have willingly made sacrifices so that  my sister and I can have nice things which are both high quality and of high value.  I remember to thank them, and to thank God for all of these materialistic blessings that I have been given in my lifetime.  Because I know all of these nice things that I possess are truly blessings they have always carried with them much sentimental value to me.  I'm the type of girl who would rather have a cluttered space than to have to get rid of something that meant a lot to me.  It's doubtful that I would ever be one of the extreme "hoarder" types that we see on an episode of 20/20 or 60 Minutes every now and then, but I tend to hang on to stuff.  In the 5 years that I have lived away from my parent's home and on my own, I have accumulated many, many blessings.  So when I saw them look more like chopped fire wood than they did pieces of a wardrobe, or designer handbags, or books and journals, I realized so much.

I did everything I could to hold back the tears I so badly wanted to cry out.  I saw the empty space that Millie's crate occupied, I saw feathers flying all across the room from the pillow I laid my head on every night, and I saw the clothes that kept me covered and 'in style' melted in a big blob in my closet.  I took it all in - well, I tried to take it all in but one week later it is still not all taken in yet - and I lifted up His name in praise that everyone was safe and unharmed.  The biggest blessing of all, and the only thing that has mattered to me since that night, was that I'd get to see the sun come up tomorrow.  I knew that "things" are just that, they are "things" and as I turned to walk out of the room and towards a new beginning, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness, strength, and humbleness.  

I could feel God's hands comforting me as I told myself this, "Everything is gone, and that's ok.  Everything in that room is a worldly thing.  When I die and have a new beginning in heaven, I will not be able to take those things with me.  I will start a new beginning without those things, and God will provide me with the things I need.  If I trust in Him during this hard time, He will reward me with the things I want."

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow...

Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

Matthew 6:34

As the week unfolded, I discovered a multitude of things about myself.  I am more patient than I have given myself credit for and I am just as much affected by the small things in life as I am the much bigger things.  I was reassured through all of this that I have a family that loves me and supports me and that go the extra mile to give me more than I deserve.  I discovered who my true friends are, and I learned a lot about some people who showed a different side of themselves during my tragic week.  Some learnings were good things, and others were not as good.  I can say one thing for sure, though, and that is that God is great, life is good, and love is uncondiftional.

I still sometimes find myself upset about the material things.  Really though, the smaller material things.  There's a bracelet my grandmother gave me that was lost in the damage, the words that journaled my life journey over the years are burnt and/or smeared by the water from the fire hoses, and the music that described the little bohemian fireball that I am blew up into stardust with my laptop.  The Bible my parents gave me in the days following my dad's diagnosis in 1999 has suffered water damage, some of the vinyl records I adore were set ablaze, and there's nothing to show for the hours of vintage shopping and yard-sale hopping that I do for personal pleasure.  Two thickly filled manilla folders that kept my two semester's worth of lesson plans are ashes and dust, and both my school books and personal reading novels are charbroiled nothings now.  Despite the things that can consume me with sadness or angst, there are far more things to be thankful for.  Like my life, and Millie's, and the few things that can possibly be restored.

Life is more than food; and the body more than  clothes.

Luke 12:23

The most comforting thing in all of life is that God will provide for us if we trust in Him.  I learned it when I dealt with my dad's diagnosis, I learned it when I've dealt with phases of personal tribulations, and I learned it this week.  The best things in life are those that money cannot buy.  The family, the friends, the prayers, and the smiles that enrich our lives and help us to keep going.  I know that I have new clothes in my (temporary) closet and a computer in front of me because of the prayers offered by so many people.  I'm fortunate to have good insurance that will help me rebuild my possessions and loving parents that will help me financially in the meantime.  But even more, I have family, friends, and even strangers who have offered contributions and refused to let me decline their generosity.  I am humbled by so many people that have helped in so many different ways throughout the course of this week.  I am blessed beyond comprehension, but my post-disaster resolution is to pay more attention to the goodness that is behind all the kind offerings.  The love and support of these many people is what really matters and what life is all about.  I have no words to express my gratitude for the people that have shown their true devotion to our friendship.  Although the absence of some people who I thought were some of my best friends is hard to swallow, I do not dwell on things when I have enormous amounts of love and support from so many other incredibly, amazing people.

So as I begin to build back my life, I am aware of the things that matter, the things that don't, and the things that should and shouldn't.  It might be a long process, but that is not for me to decide.  I am merely a part of His master plan and my life, it goes on for a purpose.  My job is to be a disciple, to share my testimony, and to show the world that disaster, no matter how big or how small, can be overcome with trust in the Lord.

I am stronger because of faith, and I know He will not give me any more than I can handle.  That right there is why I am able to start over, press on, and eagerly jump into this new beginning.

Peace&Love&Thanksgiving

Bjj