pickingwildflowers

Do you ever just have those days when you feel something come over me and you HAVE to take care of it or you cannot find a stride in anything else because this "thing" is

such a B U R D E N ?!?

Oh Em Gee. If I am not having one of those days today. 

I've had this same burden on my heart like 3 or 4 different days the past 2 weeks.

I don't mind this burden though, because it's not prohibiting me to be happy.

It's not distress.  But it's emotion packed, completely. 

Every single day when I wake up, I feel like it is my job to tell everyone I talk to WHY I love them so much.  Not THAT I love them so much.  They know that, or ought to know that, because if I'm going out of my way to talk to them then I am probably in love with them already.  Family, friends, lovers, even people I am unsure about but want to offer second and third chances to.  Here lately, like I said in my post a couple of days ago, I learned how to play poker as far as life goes.  No, not with cards.  But knowing who and what situations and what major events in life that I'm going to hold and fold. 

But no, no real poker princess here... I was never gentle-spirited or patient enough for any of my guy friends to teach me poker or pool.  Most people are surprised by the fact that I can play no card game whatsoever, not just poker, and I don't even know how to HOLD a pool stick.  I always just fetched the beers for everyone and asked entertaining questions to keep the conversation random.  But the poker I did learn, like I said, is about life.  When I mean who and what situations and what events, etc. I mean that in the simplest way possible - that's one of the generalized lessons that underly every specific meaning and theme that I've discovered as I filter through the smoke. 

Who. 

I learned SO vividly WHO was important to me and my life after that fire.  I would have been completley blinded by these false friends still if I didn't endure and press on after that very traumatic event, unless something else came and hit me like a ton of bricks to teach me what I needed to be taught.  I am GLAD I have the knowledge that I have now.  Was I glad then? Hell no!  I mean, I can totally handle the thought of being mislead by a couple of then-very-groovy guy friends.  I mean that based on the holistic friendship I thought I had but even if I only mean it that I could have used the physical strength as I moved bins and boxes and random whatnots from fire scene to Trussville to hotel back to fire house and ESPECIALLY that horrid (now friggin' hilarious) day of moving out of the 1008 pad.  I also learned the bittersweets, like, with Chace.  I learned for a while, how to love someone on a grown-up level and practice maturity - and for once receive it finally- and how to come to terms with the truth I have always known but became blurred by the fire... you can't force feelings.  I couldn't force myself to love him when he so badly wanted to be with me during our different phases over the past 5 years.  I couldn't force him to still look at me in the same ways that he once did.  He waited around for a long, long time on me and continued to give me 2nd chances (and 3rd and 4th..) time and time again when I would 'toy' with the 'idea' of being in a relationship with him and then would run off before I let seriousness creep in to the casuality that I longed for with him for so long.  Then, he put up with a lot of distress that I displayed because of the events on April 13th and how then never subsided, but instead, RAPIDLY and VICIOUSLY multiplied.  Like, oh. my. goodness.  I couldn't get away.  I could run from a bumble bee -or hell, I could squash the pesty thing, and still turn around and run square into a hornet's nest and get absolutely swarmed.  And since, I didn't bring on that distress myself (which we all know is rare, I usually voluntarily leave my paddles behind for reasons none of us know and dive headfirst into the deepest stretches of shit creek - no lie) But since I didn't bring them on, I expected them to all be forgivable and I saw no act of nobleness until now.  I have apologized for taking some of that stress out on the people closest to me.  It is something I hate about myself.  And part of why I have this conviction to tell my appreciation.  The fire also showed me that I do not give my hometown friends the credit that they deserve.  For a lot of people, coming to college means leaving your childhood behind and making this woman life for yourself.  You get your MRS. degree, you bake cookies and pack lunches, you have babies, and you play tennis and meet the gals for lunch.  The college gals.  Your pledge sisters, your barmates, your best friends that formed over powdered donutes at 3am that you convinced one another fed you well enough for the exam you crammed for together, whoever it was that made college the hell of a time that it is.  And then for others, people like ME, college isn't where I found the gals.  Well, I was IN college, but it wasn't AT my college.  I have a higher respect for 'the boriquas' than I would have if I didn't feel the closeness between us all during that difficult time. (And that is not a racial slur, it's an inside joke adopted by the coolest people in the world and completely endorsed by our true boriquas (people from Puerto Rico).  I was reminded who my best friends are, who my love isn't, who my love could be, and who shaped me, molded me, guided me, and saved me.  I've always thanked my Savior.

WHAT SITUATIONS.

Basically, I let things go now.  I listened to McCartney, Lennon, Starr, and Harrison and think that they are life's finest philosophers, really.  I let it be.  I remember what that all truly entails when I refrain from arguing, when I have a refined and polished view of my passions and the things that are truly worth fighting for, and I know the difference between a situation that needs me to keep quiet and a situation that is appropriate enough for me to raise my voice.  I've come to realize that maturity (nature) and my experience with the fire, amongst others too (nurture) have both been working actively at growing me up.  I can literally feel myself growing up if that makes sense.  I guess what I mean is, I am a better self-advocate because I have affirmation that I am a strong and bold and courageous person.  I have that affirmation because I witnessed myself make it out alive, basically.  But more specifically, I outwardly expressed my passion in finding out WHY ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME and why did it happen WHEN IT DID?  I just kept thinking, for most of the day on April 14th, 'damn, momma was right. momma was always right. there IS a reason i'm still in school. i ain't learned it all yet i guess.' Umm.. I have never been more right in my entire life. Er, mom hasn't. Well, yeah.. I guess she has.. she's right about a lot of things and I am not so weird for me and not weird for her I guess I should say.  I know I probably look like this cheeseball of a young woman with my journals and blogs and yearning free-spirit and dreamcatcher attitude but I don't really care... it's working.

Spirit: currently free

Dreams: some caught; currently catching more.

WHAT MAJOR EVENTS.

Right now, I have had to focus on the fire.  It's funny how I was given the fire when I finally gave notion that I can take the bad events and make them good because I am thankful for the results in my personal life and family life that are products of daddy's diagnosis.  But with that said, I'm not trying to get a flood or struck by lightning tonight, Lord.

Anyways....

It doesn't take my child development expertise to know that nature doesn't make us entirely who we are and either does nurture.  Some crazy, psycho extremist like to think otherwise, but us normal people who seem to be the most passionate and impacting people in the bizz-nass say that it is BOTH.  That's why I included that little shout out up there.  So, let me get on my soapbox, hold on.

Ok, thanks for the good looking genes Mom and Daddy.  You are hard to live up to, Zel, but I rock the red lipstick and try.  Dad, you are a handsome man. And no, I'm not asking for money.

But the other part of life, my nurtured side, is a result of the love and support that my 2 biggest fans, well 3 because you can't forget our most important Father, but the experiences in life are a lot richer than the nature I think.  I mean, for the extremo weirdo out there, let me say that I am thankful for the nature side in evolutionary fact that I was MADE into a human being.  Because if 'psychoscientifically' I was born a little mouse or something I'd be super confused and extra psychotic if I didn't know how to "feel" and "express myself creatively" and I would hate SO BAD to feel that small in the world.  It's headache enough at 5'3"/100lb.  But, I am far more ME in terms of quirks, whimsical ways, boldness, secureness, lovingness, and on and on and on... you know - all the things ya feel! I exist because of nature, and I am because of nurture, and the love of God being "life itself" because it is the only thing that is both. The balance between life and death.  We had to come up with a quote in one of my education classes.  I thought it was my lucky day until we were given the blank piece of paper to jot it down on.  Some girls took the easy way out and I felt confidant that I probably knew more quotes than everyone in this room put together and I could blow this one of the water.  Then my pencil wouldn't move.  Funny how my journaling pens take off but those pencils, those schoolhouse #2s man... they get me. Ha. But I decided to not use a Maslow or Freudian quote just because we were to jot down a quote (original or one that inspires you) and share it with the class - as long as it had to do with the class, which was Creative Concepts and Development for Young Children.  Love that class.  I came with an original.  See, I can quote others and I'm reversible! You can quote me! ;) I doubt I'll be sprinkled around Facebook like Carrie Bradshaw and Marilyn Monroe are for girls and Robert Frost and Henry David Thoreau are for boys.  (Ours seem so much more fabulous!)

I just went major off-roading huh. Well, that's what I believe to be true. So let's go on.

I really do believe in the experiences in life.  The divine ones. The bad ones. The ones that leave you in shock - good shock and bad chock. The amazing experiences - the ones you can't live without but you know you are lucky to have even had them. The humbling. The life-changing. The ones you wish you could flush down the toilet.  Because let's face it, the experiences can sometimes leave you so high like sinking the ping pong in the greased-rimmed bowl that seemed impossible and laughing in the carni-man's face and then being haunted by the carni-man laughing at you as Nemo gets flushed down the drain.

Seems like one of those bitter-sweet things I was talking about.  But isn't that what life is?  Are we supposed to lock ourselves in isolation and only see the shallow beauty of the walls that pad us?  I'm supposed to quit trying and never experience being loved and adored again by a guy just because I ought to know by now that my heart is capable of being shredded to pieces?  Or is not inspiring to most everyone when we see a cancer survivor grabbing the world by the lapels and crossing out things on their Bucket List left to the right?  I am so fortunate for good health and the blessings I have in that department, but I'm a survivor in a different way and I, at one time, felt like I was uncurable, untreatable, and I sure as hell did not know how to administer my OWN disease-management.  It was either attacking me or I was in a phase of remission.  It wasn't killing me slowly.  No, not my bad experiences in life... they bite me out of nowhere like when Forrest said the bullet just jumped up and bit him.  In the buttocks.  I was getting canonballs, on the real.

But I survived and I'm gonna start living like I should and not like I could if I didn't want to honor the strength nature and nurture gave me.  The support of others.  The grace of God.  The love of the people who I need to receive love from and good riddance to the ones that I don't.  I am just a new person altogether and I don't want people in my life that are going to bring me down.  The toxicity is too poisonous for me.  I don't have the anti-venom to deal with it and I know exactly who the snakes in the my life's grass are.  Because they are SNEAKY and they are TEMPTATION seekers and they either flare up like a cobra or will turn on you right when you think you have the coolest ball python pet-friend in the world.  A snake is a snake.  They bite you.

But some people don't bite you. And you don't want to give them the big "Bite Me" line and flip 'em a bird.  They make you want to be a better person.  They make you want to grow up and think about the things in life that really matter - friends, family, security, growth, happiness, and all the other things.  And once you get to the part of your life that all of this becomes so extremely clear and easy to see, you develop the next thing and that is this conviction I am talking about.  This good burden that I wake up with that tells me to write a letter, pay $.44 to send a one-liner or inside joke on the back of a post card a mile down the street so a friend can get some snail mail and maybe make her day better since she makes yours better, and they make you want to pick up the phone and have the awkward phone etiquette and not care because you got to catch up with an old partner-in-crime.  So, if you haven't received a phone call or a post card or a letter, I pretty much hate you.  Haha, just kidding...

No but I do enjoy other things like: being lazy, procrastinating, getting assignments done, obsessing over sports, and blogging other random shenanigans.  So, give me some time.  It DOES NOT mean that I hate you or that I love you any less.  I also have not half-assed some of my important and sincere and most convicting ones.  I wrote a 15 page letter to the Pastor of First Baptist Trussville a couple of days ago and put it in the mail today.  I've written letters to people age 2 to 82 so I have a lot of people to cover and a lot of other things on my agenda too... and hey, I'm not perfect so I'll go ahead and admit it.... changing your attitude about life, being humbled by God, and being blessed with a blank slate means that there are a lot of convictions that you have to take care of in order to put your old self behind you.  Because on the straight and narrow, you can't just turn 90 degrees and make a half-way change in yourself and then start walking forward.  No, you'd be walking DIRECTLY off path.  I mean, I'm taking a road less traveled and all but I'm going to stick with the northbound direction on this North/South bound path we all get our own version of.  The idea of just turning around and going N instead of S makes this 90 degree turn a completely straight shot on the East-West bound unmarked course.  Uhhh.. NO THANKS!

(We all know how great I was at getting lost on those cross-country trail runs.  I spent most of my Monday nights one thing and that was, simply lost!)

But God is blazing my trail.  Quite literally.  The puns aren't intended.  But we do use fire as a figure of speech a lot.  And LORD HAVE MERCY with the SONGS that mention fire.  Holy moly!  I mean, those experiences are the ones you gotta just look into the eye and send the flames back to hell.  Go to hell, my foe.  Thanks for all of these lessons, but I'll be on my way now!

And I am on my way now.  Not just alive.  Alive and well.  And that is the not-so bitter-sweet but the sweet-sweet.

Peace and Love

Baily