carrie-ish

I'm about to be really Carrie Bradshaw in this post.

Some of you L O V E when I get in my whimsical romance-quirking mood, and others

H A T E it.  But oh, well... this is my outlet after all.

A recent pull on a heartstring and a tug on another have both caused me to break out my psycho-analysis of the whole ordeal... to be brutally honest (and me) about it.

How come... when one of us girls T R Y at a relationship or we put in the effort or do something b.o.l.d. to prove that we love a guy, is it considered psycho and desperate and (I HATE THIS ONE THE MOST) "dependant" of us?

But then... when we do things Y O U R way... we ignore the phone calls (not like you couldn't figure out where we were or might not be answering from our FB or uber-twitter), we ignore the texts (bc we learn from the best, boys), and we not open up the flood gates of hell and have another emotional talk when you finally decide to make a grand gesture yourself...

...are we now these huge selfish bitches??

I don't get it.  Someone explain.

I don't know why I have been brushed off and called 'crazy' or been tagged as 'bipolar' and I'm pretty sure sort of mocked amongst a group of friends that I built my life back with.  I've said some mean things, but I never didn't apologize... that's one thing that I always did.  To the person that it all had to do with and to the person least affected by some of my anger and hate that I was conflicting with for so long inside my heart and inside my head. 

I just don't understand why the sudden change of behavior and the impulsive messages that I got on a night like tonight, I don't know why I don't call it crazy, and bipolar.  I could.

But I decided tonight to just let it be, to say good riddance to some good times and finally bury the bad times.  I wanted to remember it for what it was and not what it's become.  I think that's the way that we put it when we last saw eachother.  I think I detached a lot of feelings then, and tonight I may have severed them.  I don't know if the future says that those are retachable, attachable, what gives... but the point - I don't know.

That was always my answer... for 5 years I've said I don't know.  I never was the sure one... maybe we jumped ship to get us through the storm.. but I think I've dug deep, I've been soaked but I've danced in some puddles too, and I found one of the many "Baily's" that was gone for a really long time.  I'm grateful for the lessons I learned, that I chose to learn - because that's a big deal to me - you made me want to give a big "F - you!" to Cinderella.

I can't win for losing.

It has sort of become my theme I guess. 

I still believe in Cinderella  stories.  She had me from hello, some people just do that to you - you know?

Sometimes you think you've met that person and you're going to have this 'own version' movie of a Cinderella story.  You think life gave you a good hand after all, things have set sail to better days, you have all the power in the world behind you... two kids who knew from the start they loved eachother.  Maybe I was right, I think I was right, actually, but I was just right about the wrong person.  It took a little tornado along with the rainstorm for me to learn it.  But I see rainbows today.

I still believe in that Cinderella story.  I give mad props to the fairy godmother now, though.

I did the things that I told everyone around me during my break-up that I would.  And the bad break-up before that.  I did the same things I know that I will do if I stay true to myself.  I let go when it was time for ME to let go, I prayed diligently, I let it be, and I listened to my heart.  I did those things.  I can say honestly  that I'm a testament to that. 

I knew I had lost a friendship that I held more dear to me than I hold a whole, whole, whole, lot of people.  I knew it and I didn't want to admit it later on when the emotions had settled.  The dust had settled and I went and ruffled it up - disastrously and dangerously and when friends said I was playing with fire I corrected them and said I was "dancing wildly in the fire."  I believed it to be my one true love.

Then I went to a place I call H O M E in FLORIDA and then to another H O M E in CAROLINA.  In Carolina, I was standing on top of a mountain on my grandmother's porch and decided I was letting go and that one day a good love will find me.  Surely ole Mother Destiny wasn't going to give me another chance. 

In Florida, I was in the car on the way home from a movie with Mom on my last night.  We went to a late one - we never do that... but I knew I was meant to go see it all the more because she didn't mind.  I let a quote really pop out at me (come on, you know me - I divuuulge into quoter mode in movies) But, I was moved for real.

'balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself.'

To me, that meant I needed to REALLY love myself, because I want BIGGER than Beatles love remember? 

So... my whimsy found a way to love myself.  I have a new beginning in my lovely little apartment and I've put the fire behind me (or am really, truly in the process of doing so this time) and I'm HAPPY.

And then life stopped handing lemons and throwing sucker-punches at me.  I found a pot of gold.  Not everything has been sucky.  I've found this Baily that I needed so badly, so I can't do anything but 'thank ya' to the rearview mirror... but I told everyone I was looking for something more than sitting around and sulking and wondering.

I feel like it's pointless to wonder about things that have ended.  Relationships, friendships, even the friends you at least said 'hey' and 'bye' to when you saw them eventually become a nod and then nothing, it's because time and distance separate people.  For others, it can bring them together.  But those are usually the extra special ones.

At least for now, while I'm still figuring it all out myself.

When the door is always open as buddies, but when I cross the line and find the door shut, it's hard to open it again.  Somethings are just best unmessed with until the mess sort of clears itself up. 

Because to be honest, the smoke just now cleared in a lot of ways.

I could never get some people to 'feel' with me and 'understand me' and I was frustrated and angry about that for a long time...

but I finally have met - random chance-lly, if you will (thanks Mother Destiny) - some pretty groovy people who have helped me and make me smile and laugh some again! :)

It'll all works itself out.

peaceandlove

no se arrepiente

bjj

When