free-bird

You know when you get those days to just "hang out by yourself" and relax?

I have been known to be a ToTaL hermit crab. 

I've never been this way, before college - ever.

Growing up, I was ALWAYS out in the living room with my mom & dad while my sister would totally,like, hibernate in her room.

I just never got into that groove for some reason or another.  I don't know, her room was a lot more welcoming you could say.  The sun actually shined in it and had a very inviting feel.

Mine, is like the ULTIMATE nap room.  I've blogged about that little back bedroom before.

That monster tree, and then there was the friggin' beanstalk, it always made for way

too much imagination-overload in my dreams.  To this day I just shake my head in disbelief that my parents can't figure out why I was such a weirdo as far as my sleeping habits.

I think that old oak tree back there is a lot to flippin' do with it.  That thing is trancy.

Anyways, I hated being back there alone.  The closet - to big, too deep - someone may be in there.  My bed, always higher than my sister's.  Why? I don't know - but think about that from a 12-year old's perspective... (who is predisposed to be "me" one day keep in mind, and is batshit crazy herself already)  Ya, it was taller than Ashley's because the bad people hid under mine.  They didn't want to come get Ashley.  Who would take Ashley??

The 'good one'. 

She didn't flip off the construction workers when we were riding bikes today.

She didn't stick her tounge out at the grumpy old man who honked and made bitter gestures at life, himself.  No, she kept herself day in and day out from doing the pesky things.

So, OF COURSE, they were coming to get me... to take me away.

That's literally my thought process circa the late 90's.  Not kidding.

I never truly slept that great as a kid.  So, I don't really expect to as a young adult.

I made myself tired and literally wore myself out from all the cross-country practices and races and soccer practices and games and conditionings and then the forty seven thousand other things that I somehow managed to fit all on my plate as typical kid.

Well yeah, back then I slept.  I was tired!  Just from all the GOOD things in life.

So knowing that, I figured that being worn and out and exhausted from all of these BAD things in life would allow me to have better sleep habits.  I don't have time for naps during my days... but I NeEd the naps.. I literally can't even go on without a nap anymore it seems.

Because even on the nights that I sleep really great, I never have them for a healthy number of nights in a row.  But then I'll crash into nap mode at a, most-likely at least, inopportune time and I am, last minute, switching my daily agenda around.

UGH!!!!

Don't get me wrong though, I mean...

I can sleep. 

The nights that I sleep, I sleep gooooood.

The nights that I say that I "don't sleep", I really do sleep...

I just don't sleep in such utter enjoyment as "goooood". 

It's more like - baaaaaaaaaad.

On and off; on and off.  Then, I go into the little 'Baily modes.' 

The "busy Bee" will wake up and begin organizing outlines.

The "half-ass organizer Baily" kicks into gear and makes the "busy Bee" go away.

The "I eat like a Cow Baily" comes out at night... baaaaaaadddderrrr than baaaaad.

The "skinny mini Baily" never shows her face.  Like, ever... maybe soon.

The "nostalgic Baily" gets caught up looking at all the pictures that fell out of the half-ass, very busily put together organized pile of random crap.

Then whatever "Baily" is in rotation at that point will peep the clock.  Squint eyes because NO BAILY can see worth a dang now and boom - just like that - .... no matter what "Baily" we are, we think of the fire. And only the fire. Shake head (really) and try to physically shake it away.  Nope.  Go to a happy place.  Alright. We're good. Nope...

Out loud.. "Raspy Baily" breaks out and says to ourself...

 If it wasn't for that DAMN fire, my eyes wouldn't burn so bad.

blur > focus > migraine > blur > focus

We see the very wee-hours of the morning and throw all the half-ass organized folders to the ground for a total re-do in approx. 38-43 minutes....

The dream usually starts and I'm running up the stairs of 1008.

I'm getting Jackie.  OMG, I just saw my room on fire and E and I had just shut my door.

Then we are getting out of the house and I'm dialing numbers hectically on my cell phone.

I'm asking where Millie is and it seems like the thousandth time I've asked someone where she was.  No one has answered.  Then I start sweating. Why was I not sweating before now, is what I am wondering.  Then no one will tell me where Millie is so I keep screaming and I hear her yelping.  She sounds sort of like she does when I'm pumping gas and she doesn't like being in the car with me out in the danger.  I'm comforted for a second, that I have a dog to keep me from danger.  Then I think, the danger is inside my room and I shut the door, it won't get to she and I... maybe our things... but we are okay.

OMG... no, where's Millie. She's not here beside me, I start screaming in my dream.

No one can hear me.

Millie can, she's getting more excited... or more excruciating?

OMG THE HEAT. It's suffocating her.  That's when she's scared not when she's trying to scare someone away.  I try to tell her to calm down and then I wake up.

I'm usually clinching my phone - that I've jerked out of the wall and the reason my phone's always dead.  My eyes usually are burning... I rub my eyes dry in my sleep so bad - especially during fire dreams.  And I'm out of breathe because for a SPLIT SECOND I forgot that Millie is safe in Florida.  Still, and this is where I can confirm I'm a little bit crazy still, I say OUTLOUD (yes I do) "Love ya Piggie" and just like that, I go back to sleep for about 20 brief minutes that are like a power nap and zoom me into "Busy Bee Mode" the next time around.  It is the WILDEST THING.

I try to explain it to others - and I'm sure this blog makes me sound like a total nutcasse - but it really does make since to me when I'm able to have these days to hang out by myself and think some of my thoughts through.  I seldom even have thoughts about things.  I wonder sometimes why I never have that contemplation era.. it's impulse or not.  This has made my life completely fun, completely random, and completely and brutally painful.  

But to actually think about what I've been thinking is something that really should be done but is seldom practiced over here in gypsyville.

But the past few days I have been able to really think things through, and like I've previously posted, I was able to make some bold moves.  Life has certainly dealt a new hand that I feel pretty lucky with.  I'm proud of my ability to, at a fairly young age, come to realistic terms (but more positively than negatively) about the hand we're dealt.  I think, back then, I believed that life only dealt us one hand and we had to just make do.  But that's not how you win a game of poker. 

You gotta know when to hold 'em; and you gotta know when to fold 'em.

So maybe I will be able to sleep better soon.

Maybe I have had a couple of good cries...

Some disappointments in plans but realizing someone 'up there' was watching out for me and making sure I am at the place that I thought I was.

And I am.

Tonight I'm going to probably deal with all the different modes of "Baily" but I can honestly know that in each of those modes, there is a girl who is genuinely happy and truly feels free.

I have a tendency to always blog about my 'Bobby McGee'... you know, someone to put as the title song in my life.  I've literally had a connection with one person in the entire world who was a Bobby.  I tried to squeeze another one into the role, but it takes a special soul to be honest with you.  I imagine Bobby to be full of color, full of feeling, and this life-changing in some way person.  There are plenty of really great and groovy people that can change your life, and will change your life, that aren't Bobby's  though. 

That need not be a word we throw around.

Like, LOVE.

But I think, the way I picture Bobby, is full of love for SO many things in life.

Mostly, the one he sings to.

But of music, and journeys, and learning, and feeling.

I truly have been blessed with knowing one Bobby. 

I think he's the Bobby that "somewhere up near, Salinas, oh Lord, I let him get away, he's looking for that home and I hope he finds it."  You know?  He was a friend and the friendship didn't last.  But, the connection we shared was always remembered and truly missed.  It was rare and it was genuine and it was born one day and full-blown the next. 

It was in the form of a friendship, and I am a changed person for having that friend.

But, I don't hang out with or talk to that Bobby anymore... such a rare gem that never got to prove it's distinction - the friendship we had was.  I always wondered if I'd ever think so highly, so fast, and be so changed by someone ever again.  I guess in the back of my head I knew there was another Bobby in my life. 

I've met that Bobby.

So, that's the only Janis song I've been singing much of lately.  Her other songs are sort of sad.  Or even the happy ones are belted with such soul and feeling and emotionally packed real-ness... it's just not the level that I, fortunately and no offense to my main girl JJ but, I'm just in a happier mood each day.  A little Southern rock (umm, it's still Bama football season) and then there's a little hippie flare - but not too much... just enough, and then some Carolina Shag music (which is of huge importance to any Carolina girl) and it's a little reggae (because something is seriously wrong with you people if it doesn't turn your frown upside down).

And to be honest, a playlist like that is usually all I need on my crackhead nights that I'm up organizing and unorganizing and stuffing my face with powdered donuts. 

And chocolate ones.  And pop-tarts.  And english-muffins (is that goog enough for ya, Skinny Mini Baily? no, you put a tablspoon of butter on each one fattie.)

Haha

But, I'm glad for days like this.  I get to think, and put my mind at ease, so that maybe I can catch up on some of the rest that I need.  That is why thy Sundays are for, right?

We forget it when we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life.

I think that He is proud of us for making it through those nights when we really just want sleep and NEED it, because somehow I am still standing at the end of the day and I have the energy to get out there each day.  So, He understands... but I think that I have grown a lot closer to this Friend that I truly was missing for a while in my life.  Because, here lately, I have seen the differences in the old Baily and the new Baily no matter what Baily was in the "power on" position.  Whichever one it is is going to come atcha full-force because I don't hold back, I make my own rules, and I try my hardest to bend the ones I can't change. 

Some things will never change.

But that's what has given me the courage, and has also humbled me to remember my values and my God.  That's what I have to be thankful for... of all the many faces of my own being, they are all there because of Him and He loves EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM.

And he will bless us gals that stick with it one day.  And even when there is SO MUCH to pray about, if you are SO CLOSE to the Lord, you can feel like a galfriend and ask for the picky things us women tend to like to do (case: kim kardash). 

 I asked for someone to love me more than I love me and to make him have a good taste in music and like to watch movies.  I know, it sounds simply ridiculous of me, and I am in full agreement.  But guess what?  I was reverant and I diligent and I met a Bobby McGee.

And, come on, ya gotta like some good tunes if I'm willing to gamble a song like

'Me and Bobby McGee'

I mean, that's raising the stakes... taking a risk...

But hey.... you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em.

And with that in mind....

  A crazy person runs off to Vegas to get married at the Little White Chapel. 

A free-spirit runs off to a different strand of lights and comes back blogging in poker terms.

I'm just sayin'!!!

peace and love

and hopefully goooooood rest

baily