peace and love

I have one of the more "strange" weekends of my life behind me.

I guess lately a lot of it has to do with facing a lot of those personal demons I struggle with.

The nightmares, the fact that since that fire started in my room I beat myself to death with blame when it's not my fault, and for the mistakes I made in friends and foe.  I'll tell anyone that one of the truths about me is that I have a zero-second rebound rate.  Nothing anyone can say to me, do to me, or giveth and taketh away from me, is going to keep me down long.  I made that promise to myself as a young girl and I think that is one value that no peer pressure nor any devilish demon I can scheme up in my mind can take away from me.

I guess some things we decide what we giveth and we choosewhat we taketh.

I've taken my share of bad times and I'm over it now.

I'm only going to take the good.

That goes for: friends, love, places I go, things I buy, how I spend my free time, and ya know - everything.

Life has opened up a few can's of you know what on me before and left me feeling defeated. 

But I bounced back.  I always bounce back. 

 In my very first blogpost, I wrote this:

I believe that drive and hard-work amount to being successful.

But I believe more in perseverence.  I think the more times someone gets knock down, as long as they get back up and try again - those are the most successful. Just because one person has a harder time getting to a certain place doesn't mean they are less successful or less deserving of being there than someone who had an easier way with things.

So I'm going to stay true myself and keep pressing on even when life has a funny way with things.  I mean, how many detours is there going to be?  Am I 'stuck' in a friggin' construction zone or something?  That's what I was thinking for a while there this summer.  Friends and family rarely saw me without mascara running down my face in tears or a grossly sweaty fatigue from running around like a chicken with my head cut off all summer. 

I literally felt like I was just sucked into a tornado, spinning and going up and down - catching a glimpse of disaster here or a ray of unexpected sunshine there.  Bi-polar... my life was hot and cold.  A scary disaster swooped me into this whirlwind of life's lessons all at once while it fiercely destructed everything else precious to me.  But in the eye of the storm I was protected by the God that sent the fury my way in the first place.  So I rode it out and trusted Him... He sent it... He'll either send it away, send me through, or send me home and I'm done being scared of any of them.

I look at that fire in the face now.  I've told it in these blogs, in my personal writings, and literally out loud everytime one of it's salvages slaps me across my face.

Like when I am looking for something and a charred metal cross jumps out at me and the smell was so real that I could almost SEE the stink. 

When things like that happen I just tell myself to quit being a whiney baby about it because if me, myself, and I plan on being here for 60+ more years - there are bound to be some crazy, scary, horrifying things that lay ahead.  If I can't take a punch to the gut now, I'll never get to the end of that Bucket List.

And that is what keeps me going - every. single. day.

I had no idea when I wrote that up there, that God was about to send a tornado of flames ripping through my little college cottage's bedroom. 

I don't know if I would have WANTED to know.  I don't know what I would have saved.

I don't know what I would have thrown out.  I just don't know how to make those decisions for myself, but I am not going to be a future "Hoarders" episode - come on.

I just don't know - yet, what I would giveth and taketh away.

I doubt anyone else would either.

In my 'Listology' book, there is a list asking

things i would take if my house were burning down

I made the list.  Now, there's an asterick beside that list that says

you don't take anything. you go crazy then get you and everyone else out

We're not supposed to decide the giveth and taketh away parts.

We can't arrange a divine meeting with a Spiritual Leader.  God does that.

We can't pick our soul-mate.  He's got that one taken care of as well.

We can't buy a study-aid for life's test.  He giveth those lessons to us with "life."

We can't decide our fate.  Yep, better believe it.

We can't choose the way we leave this earth.  God definitely does that.

But, we DO get to decide how we live it while we are here. 

I'm going to stick with the girl I was on August 20, 2009 and keep perservering.

I think that the August 2009 me had a good head on her shoulders and I am really proud of my honesty with myself this past year.  A lot has happened but I still firmly believe in the things that I wrote in my little ediary here. 

Like this one:

I admire the person that stands out in a crowd.  I admire the one who thinks creatively, the one who surpasses the text-book version of things and creates new ideas instead.  And I admire the one who intrigues us all even if we are looking at them like they are the biggest freak we've ever seen - hey, at least we're looking!

And this one:

I think the past defines the future;

 your friends are the family you get to choose;

and our family members are the friends we want the most.

I can't say that this calendar year has held ALL good decisions and I definitely can't say that the winds have been calm and sails smooth.  But, I can say that I have stayed true to myself in heart, spirit, faith, and love - despite this year being a top 3 on the shitty list.

But, I shouldn't think of it that way because I've learned a lot and I told myself I'd work as long as I could at getting over personal tragedy so that I can look back one day with no regrets.  So I guess that is where I am right now - the storm has passed (this one at least) and it's time for rebuilding, reflection, and reorganizing...

It just feels good to not be a time for needing.  I'm more of a giver than a taker when it comes to the things in life that we DO have a little bit of control over.  So when on of those things that we don't have control over happens to me, I hate having to ask for help.  That's one of those things that gives a little more meaning to the fire, now that I realize I am okay with asking for help while being a giver to the needy at the same time.  I learned you can be both.

A giver and a taker.  That's how the human life really is all possible I guess. 

When I think of the things that makes me happy I think of meaningful conversation, the company of friends and family, and love.  Every single one of those things takes me being a GIVER and a TAKER.  In communication, in feeling, in interaction. 

Check it off the list... lesson learned.  I am both.

I just really needed to vent that out and 'tis what this bloggity thing is for, right?

I just woke up from a nap and am on a hunt to finding my medicine so I do not expect this to make all that much sense... but maybe.  I'm probably going to have to take that medicine before I sit down and read it myself.  Ha.

peace for your mind and love for your life

baily