Destiny Unbound

I really have a lot on my mind today – good things, neutral things, but not so much bad things.  It seems that the way my life has been the past five years – full of extreme highs and extreme lows – I unfortunately know the depths of sadness and darkness that qualify as “bad.”  I don’t really have that ache, that heart-wrenching feeling of something horrible overcoming me.  Do I feel numbness in the parts of my heart where I should be feeling pain right now?  Maybe. 

I used to fear this – numbness.  I used to think, I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  But right now, I am enjoying this intermission from life’s painful heartaches.  I love how there is enough JOY in my life right now to stop the stinging and lessen the trauma that a knife in the back will cause.  I’m not bleeding out, instead, I have myself under control and I’ve displayed a grace that I can respect for myself.  I’m not crying out to this person that I absolutely loved and cared for tremendously (even though a lot of times I want to), because I feel given up on by them. I didn’t deserve to be left out to dry like this, and I don’t know why all of a sudden I was.  I missed the moment when we took a U-turn and started heading South.  I’m confused and feel incredibly misled, misunderstood, and disrespected.  I miss this person terribly, but I miss the feeling of being missed and adored even more.  I wanted and needed BIG LOVE, and I found it… I was promised it… I was given it… but I guess I forgot to ask how long it would last.  

At least it is numbness and not the bellowing wails and sob-soaked pillows and empty boxes of Kleenex.  It’s not teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry and Carrie & the girls.  It isn’t seeking revenge or demolition.  It isn’t insomnia, not eating, or not taking care of myself.  It isn’t the usual “what am I going to do?”
 or “who is going to love me?” or “what is wrong with me?” or “how am I ever going to get through this?”  It is none of that. 

Instead, it’s me saying… “this ain’t my first rodeo!” and bucking up and doing the things that I have learned over the years – how to have my heart broken.  And this time, I’m not doing those things that I used to do.  I’m not “coping” in an irresponsible way and I’m not letting the growing number of guys out there who don’t think I am worth it convince my own mind that I am not worth it.  Because I am. 

And I will continue to try on the shoes that catch my eye until I find that damn glass slipper.

There is a glass slipper, size 6, still out there right???? Prince Charming is still on his way with it, isn’t he?  I hope someone send him the message that the bar has been raised, the standards are a little higher now – after knowing the love life I most recently knew.

I think the reason I am not handling this huge loss from my life the way that I did a break-up three years ago (that I describe as ‘what broke me’) is because I am a stronger person for knowing this individual.  I know what is possible when two hearts that are meant to be together meet for the very first time.  Love grows wildly.  I know now that a smile isn’t in perfect teeth or soft lips but in how genuine and heartfelt it is.  I learned that life is only as hard and as serious as we make it for ourselves.  I was reminded of how to live in the moment, when to take big risks, and what kind of man I want by my side.  I was brought back to life.  I was adored, loved, and appreciated. 

And then one day, it went away.  Or it was ignored.  I don’t know if it is still there, where and with whom the heart of this person is.  Oh how I hope that if it belongs to someone else already, she knows how good and wonderful and valued that heart is.  I hope she makes his eyes sparkle like I once could, and I hope they spontaneously dance to music in the kitchen and in Wal-Mart parking lots.  I hope she inspires him the way he told me I inspired him: to be the best version of himself, to want to do good, to want to settle down, to travel, to go to music festivals and concerts, to read books,  to be closer to one another’s families, to be as happy always as we were nearly everyday.  I hope he always fights for what he believes in – and even though I feel like I was given up on, I will never be convinced that he did not believe in me and in us.  He was my biggest fan and I was his, and that’s the hardest part about not having him in my life.  The love was short, but it was so real.  I’ll never forget the way he described life when we were  together, “The world and my life are just “right” and “real” now that I know you and love you, Baily.”  I could not have agreed more.

So here I am, numb.  But full of joy, too.  Because I am proud of how far I have come.  I am glad that I knew this love and that it brought me out of the darkness and made me come to life again!  I was able to experience love in a more profound way – love worth taking risks for, love worth traveling for, love worth making special accommodations for.   But now… but now I need to experience being loved enough to fight for.  Being loved enough to hold on tighter when things seem to be slowly slipping.  I need to know what it is like to be loved unconditionally – where time and distance don’t separate you but make you grow fonder. 

I guess I didn’t know how important that was.  I didn’t know how strong time and distance are.  Or, I just thought that since what we had was so perfect, pure, free from arguments and fighting, and full of love and generosity, that the whole time and distance thing wouldn’t have as large an impact on  us.  I STILL think that, but I do think that any relationship (especially one like this) takes effort from BOTH people….

and that was exactly where the problem was.  And where the pain starts…

Peace & Love

Baily

She started the ignition and without permission,

the two of them flew down the dusty road

But the road wasn't finished and the pavement diminished,

They soared off the edge and they plunged in the sludge

She said

 "THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY ROAD, OUR DESTINY WAS BOUND,

WE WERE THE ONES FOR US, BUT NOW WE'RE IN THE GROUND."

-Destiny Unbound (Phish)

President's Notes: LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Do you know what I mean when I say some things are just God sent? 

Like a self-awareness "sign" that you epiphanize with that tells you letting go sometimes makes you happier than holding on.
 Or a little birdie that reminds you that loving will always bring more happiness to you than hating will.
 And, there are those convictions from God that continue to teach us the GREATEST LESSON OF ALL - forgiveness. 

I experience a LOT of God sent things in these departments... and I think that is why I stay so positive during my harder times.  Because I continue to love, to have faith, continue hoping, and forgive even those that don't reciprocate this type of positivity that I am proud to possess.

So this morning when I woke up and saw a friend that had posted a blog about President Obama's tribute speech at the Arizona Memorial, I DEFINITELY took it as one of those "God sent" things. 

Here is my 'blog-friends' post, where she highlights a particular quote that sums up the feelings of a torn nation coming together as one in the wake of a tragedy.  As I re-read the transcript of President Obama's words that she had linked to her post, this excerpt from his speech was what was one of those GOD SENT things I am talking about. 

Something that I have struggled with over the past several months is this - being faithful in my perseverance throughout a certain situation where I longed for acceptance and understanding.  When my attempts to gain these things went unnoticed or ignored, I grew weary and tired - but God continued to tell me to keep up the good fight, take heart, press on, and continue to do the right things.  Maybe that is why I am ok during what some would think would be a devastating time for me.  I know that I was obedient to God and the lessons He taught me, and I can't be mad at myself or have any regrets for that.  So that situation that prevented so much happiness and love from blessing my life is what I think of as I FEEL every single one of these words spoken to us last night by our country's leader:

"So sudden loss causes us to look backward -- but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us.  We may ask ourselves if we've shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame -- but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others."

Those words were so powerful to me last night, and then reiterated to me this morning as I read back over the honest and sincere words. 
It gives me peace of mind because I know I was honest, kind, and compassionate like this passage talks about.  I know I loved well, and I loved selflessly.  I can be excited about the future knowing that I AM capable of loving, and I still do have faith that I am capable of being loved.  Even though my life continues to try to make me believe that I am not.  Kharma will bring me good things one day, I know that because I will continue to live a life of love and generosity, and I will let God continue to send me these little reminders that let me know He is control and I am just to be obedient and good things will come. 

I just hope that those who haven't opened up their heart to others will do that someday and experience the liveliness that it brings.  I went through life for a long time with my guard up and a closed-off heart and I was prevented from experiencing the joy that came when I finally broke free of those ways.  I am grateful to those that taught me to live with feeling and not principle and to continue loving even when I am feeling given up on, rejected, and unloved. 

I guess that’s why I am sharing this “more serious” post this morning.  Maybe it can be a “God sent” thing for you, like it was for me.  Maybe by spreading this love, spoken by our American leader, can reach those that need it and can use it to persevere, continue loving, and to help remember what is important and what is not.

Much love, y’all!

Peace and Love

Bai

forgiveness and love

I have been able to replace a lot of the books/devotionals that I lost, lately.  I missed them for sure!  And in the here and now, I am really diggin' this one...

the uncommon woman

making an

ordinary life

extraordinary

by Susie Larson

But let's be serious... my life is ANYTHING but ordinary.

I have learned a lot from spending a little time in this book & in the Bible, and the one thing that is so universal to living a healthy, loving, and fruitful life is

forgiveness. 

It's the lesson of all lessons, that is for sure. One part in particular has really helped me in some of my personal struggles and battles that I have found myself in lately. 

I have always considered myself a forgiving person.  I like to move on, learn, and grow... but I have recently begun to realize that I've got some major problems about how I go about the forgiving process that sometimes makes situations worse for me. I'm a forgiver, but I'm also a fighter.  I stick up for myself and sometimes that brings upon some of the petty things that turn little situations into big messes... the speaking of my own mind when it is not the nicest of things, and the 'revenge' mechanism of getting back at someone that I felt had hurt me or wronged me, and the twenty-something year old attitude that I sometimes display a little bit too proudly. 

Many of my forgiveness battles would have just been so much simpler if I had just skipped all of that pettiness and lost the attitude and just turned it all over to God and let Him tell me what to do and how to handle it. 

Because we all know His thoughts are A LOT wiser and full of love than fiesty little Baily Jordan Jones's when she's emotionally charged and angry.  If I just knew when to keep my mouth shut and lost the attitude, I think I could and would have avoided some of the struggling relationships I have found myself in. 

I've learned in this book that it's common to have those petty faults, to want to put my guard up and play defense for myself, and to try to hurt someone else when I've been wronged... but the uncommon woman - the one that lives an extraordinary life, forgives by turning it over to Christ and having the Lord show her the way to dealing. 

And trust me, I've learned this:

if i want to win the war,

the Lord must fight my battles.

Susie Larson says this and I highlighted the heck out of it:

"If you have Jesus in you, you have it in you to walk this way: LOVING, FORGIVING, and INTERCEDING for those who don't get you, who have hurt you, and who don't deserve your love.  You have it in you to be tough against the lies of the enemy and tender toward the things of God."

So, I turned a major difficulty in my life over to the Lord and I have already seen Him guide me in more positive ways.  When I was fighting 'the battle' without the armor of God and without regular & daily prayer, I was not getting ANYWHERE.  But after diligent prayer and constant faith in the Lord handling my distress, I took a step in the right direction.  And I can say it is the "right" direction because it was what God laid on my heart to do.

Do I expect my decision to be answered and resolved right away?  No.  I know that in every relationship, no matter the depth or closeness of it, TIME must do it's job as well.  I realize  that all I can do is continue to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive others, and to go on living a life that glorifies God. 

I'm grateful for my devotions, His word, and the lessons that I learn from spending some time in them each day.  It is a wonderful feeling to start your day with scripture and be reminded of all the wonderful things He does for me and has planned for me.

Do you have any

favorite devotionals?

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves, therefore, under

God's mighty hand, that He may

lift you up in due time.

I love and miss this guy so much! He's been sick with some pretty mean sounding allergies and a sinus infection all weekend - so please pray for him to get better soon! Hopefully I'll get to see him soon... we're in the process of figuring it out but we've DEFINITELY figured out that sometimes things happen and plans have to be remade!  It's nothing he and I aren't used to - trust. Haha, we joke all the time that we are pretty much the King and Queen of Anything But Plan A.  We are good at rolling with the punches and that's why he's my best friend.  It's pretty much magical how well we go together and I'm glad he appreciates me as much as I appreciate him.  Oh, and p.s. I got this really awesome video sent to me via our mutual family friend Lynn of the wedding Clay and I were in when we were like 3 and 4 years old. (Crazy, huh?) The vid is absolutely precious and brought tears to my eyes and reminded me how much the Lord works in such funny and MYSTERIOUS ways... you know, even 19/some odd years later. But if you're reading this Lynn, thank you! And if you're reading this Leisa, thank you for helping me find such a wonderful guy in Clay! :) Love you all...

then

now

peace and love

bai

querida amante

dear mr. crutchfield,

thank you for making me feel...

...so loved

 ...like a free-bird

...those butterflies in my stomach

...like I've been found

...youthful & silly

...and so so connected to you!!!

I love you.

Eres mi todo.

peace and love

'Bailygirl'

p.s. Little Miss Millie-Pig loves you too!

((all images via))

Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

Hopefully the Word of God is something that brightens your day - like it does me.

I have been spending so much time in reading the Bible here in recent months. 

The Lord has definitely been at work in my heart, even though the tribulations I find myself in may seem to

lead people to believe that I bear no fruit.  I do, though.  My life is fruitful with many blessings from God.

As Christmas swings into full force I can't help but be filled with celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.

Maybe my trials & tribulations are there to remind me just how enormous God's love for me is.  

God came to this world as human in the flesh and lived a life full of love and without sin.

Knowing that, along with His unselfish death on the cross, is a testimony to my faith in Him.

And my faith in Him is exactly what has carried me through past trial and tribulation and what I cling to at this very moment.  I can feel God at work in my life and all around me. 

That is why my fears about everything else in life are subsided when I hand them over to Him.

Hebrews 13:8 is one of the most comforting verses, in my opinion.

It tells me that Jesus is the one man that will stay the same and always love me. 

No heartache, no abandonment, no anxiety and worry, and no changing.

Sounds like the perfect guy - huh?!?

The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Full of FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE.

I am eager to tell you all about the work that the Lord is doing in my life.

I am very much clay, and He is very much the potter.

BUT FIRST...

Will you puh-lease leave your favorite Bible verse for me?

Pretty, pretty please???

peace AND love

baily jordan

To others the Spirit has given great faith or the power to heal the sick or the power to work mighty miracles. Some of us are prophets, and some of us recognize when God's Spirit is present.

- 1 Corinthians 12:9-10a



mi vida, en realidad (my life, actually)

I have not been a very active blogger lately and I am completely aware of it.  Sometimes things get busy or the stars align in other ways and we are too busy living and experiencing and we have to wait until things slow down in order to update the blog and all.  That's very much what has been going on with me.  Between schoolwork and entertaining a suprise guest, I just not have found a sweet little window of time to get some things off of my chest.

In time's past, when I say I have to unload the thoughts and burdens that are bothersome, it has come out in an unorganized mess that is usually an honest depiction of the process in which most my thinking occurs.  Anywho, I have a lot on my mind to say the least: some makes me happy, some makes me sad, and some have not been figured out entirely so I'm not exactly sure what sort of affect they will have on me.  

For starters, school is going well.  I have to admit that it is sometimes aggravating having to live in what is remnants of the fire and doing the things and sort of assignments I was doing before they were items to be added to my insurance claims check. But, Forrest Gump said it best... shit happens.

Speaking of FG, I watched that movie recently.  Actually, I watched all 3 of my favorite movies this week.  Almost Famous, Forrest Gump, and (500) Days of Summer.  Wow.  I couldn't tell you the last time I watched 3 DVDs in one week.  I know I have, because I have always been a movie girl and my sister was the television show gal.  But 3 in one week?  That happened NEVER when my world was the twilight zone.  Thank goodness for having that little luxury back in my life.  And where I thought Mr. Clay was going to be my music-man, he's turned out to be a pretty groovy movie watcher, too.  I have truly missed that for a while now, and it's good to have that back!

Something that has me flustered is that, to put it simply, Dancing With The Stars is absolutely awful this year. Please give me some lovelies to look at like Erin and Pamela if the dances are going to be just as sub-par to last season as the line-up is, but compared to Michael Bolton and The Situation, I would rather watch Jake Pavelka prancing around like a pansie again.  Or, maybe not.  I do like that Sarah Palin is in the stands and that Levi Johnston is banned from the audience.  And even though I was like the very last person of people my age to jump aboard the Jersey Shore boat, and despite the grossed-out near-nausea affect that The Situ & his boys have on me, I'm with my Sissy - I am in love with Snooki.  She cracks me up... and WHO cannot LoVe the fact that she called out our Pop-star Pres on the taxing of tanning beds.  Maybe it's that or maybe it's when she goes into an all-out fit fest she reminds me I'm not the only crazy bia-bia about there. Ha, jk. Maybe.

Oh yeah, speaking of fancy-prance Jake, did I ever let y'all know that I switched to "Team Vienna" after the spectacle he made of himself when he showed us what a d-word he was?  Yes, my ex-boyfriend in high school may or may not have had his transgressions with her... but we all can change... but none of us gals deserve to be treated like that.  "Undermine me?"  Sadly, the term was used with me.  Saddest part, after Jake had already used it and it be viewed by said person accusing me of the underminement. (Is that a word?? I do not know.)

And lastly, what do you do when you can't find the words to say to somebody?  There are two people that I don't know what to say.  One, I want to say goodbye to and leave the friendship that he left behind, but I want to do it with a little bit more grace than he did.  Maybe the reason there are no words is because he doesn't deserve another try and he doesn't deserve my friendship that fuels the need to say what I feel anyway.  So maybe I will just stay silent about that.  Still, I hope he never treats someone the way he has treated me.  But at the same exact time, I hope he can be a lighthouse to another life and safely guide lost ships to shore.  That's what he was for me.  He listened to me but made me hear the music of my own uniquness and that's what gave me the bubbly life of Baily back and what has kept me dancing throughout even the saddest of songs.  But I guess he doesn't neccessarily have to be amongst the ones dancing with me.  'Tis a shame, I would have been a good friend to him and he's chosen to not only have no desire for it, but has no desire to display any decency in listening to what I have to say or to know the new me.  The one that had to roll with the punches and adapt to some major friggin' changes in life.  Some HUGE ones.  Like, Ms. Gump said 'You have to put the past behind you in order to move on' and she's never been more right in her life.  Well, other than the other uber-brilliant lines she is quoted in that extra-uber-brilliant film.  But of course I've changed, better yet - I've improved, and I think that my Faith is what has me to continue on praying for him and the absolutely unneeded dramatic situation, and above all, a life full of happiness - even though most people think I'm batshit crazy for still caring about him.  I guess, once a Bobby McGee always a Bobby McGee.  But like most songs, interpret it as you will
The other, just sort of leaves me speechless for all the POSITIVE reasons.  Just the little things in life that are noticed and put into action without structured planning of so... the laughter that I would have NEVER known was missing until I realized I truly had it back... the ability to be oneself around someone unfamiliar yet more familiar and real than you can even describe, the affirmation that everything happens for a reason, and how pretty the glow of a candle can be after all, and the simplicity of knowing that fire can, in fact, be enjoyed when it's lighting the scene for reheated leftovers with someone special enough to WANT to know me, the REAL me.  And what really leaves me speechless... I've never been so honest about myself with someone in my entire life.  I surprise myself at the things I will tell him.  But they are safe - those secrets are. And any signs of jadedness on my heart are not from him, but he respects them.  I'll be able to put it in an understandable statement one day I reckon.  'Til then, I'll live my days with the appreciation for the people who not only want to build a friendship and relationship with me but they are willing to do it with a leap of faith.  While others, they turn their back on a true intent to be friends with not only him but the people he values with love, including the obviously highly thought of girlfriend of his.  I guess I was a part of a completely different friendship and I guess no matter what I do, or say, people will think of me the way THEY WANT TO think of me. 

And then others, think of me as - to put it simply - worth it.

Oh yeah, to get you caught up to speed with other ramblings: I have a renewed zest for learning Spanish again, I am DYING to get my hands on a personal project and turn it into something that makes a BIG DIFFERENCE for a charitable organization that I am PASSIONATE about, and I can't wait to see my family and get THE MILLIE GIRL back tomorrow.  .  . yes, be prepared for a Momma who has missed 'The Pig' and who will ALSO be getting her digi-cam back and you know what happened last time, don't you? When Mildred and I were reunited post-fire, and the digi-cam was replaced the first go-round (before the Target idiot broke the brand new thing), I ended up taking boo-koos of pictures. 

But it's not like she makes it hard to 'oOoH' and 'aAaAh' over, let's be for serious now...

peace and love

baily

and there's nothing wrong with the way that she moves;

or scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues

what a perf song chico

self-revelation

Today's been a good day. I took a break from running errands and doing lesson plans and just let myself sort of breathe. Ahhh, finally!

I woke up and walked Millie on an intended 1.5 mile walk. We made it halfway. I must have missed the phase where 9am felt like a sunny-but-cool Spring morning. Summer's here, needless to say. I almost died. Then I thought of how much of a badass I must have been when I was in high school and practiced cross-country at 3pm, on the deadly heat of Orlando's asphalt, and in the fiery furnace of August & September in Central Florida. Since I didn't see my dad standing there pushing me along on every turn like I did in a race, I very graciously veered Millie "off-course" and took the short-cut home. And still almost died.

Since I almost died, I figured I must've burned some calories so I got in the driver's seat of my car and Millie hopped in the passenger seat and we drove to Jack's. I was hell-bent and determined I was going to have me an order of biscuits 'n gravy. They were simply amazing. Millie says, "mine was too!" Except she had an order of hashbrowns.

I took my time getting my things together, but I eventually headed over to CrimsonPlace condominiums to meet some friends at the pool. I got to catch up with Kathleen, finally, which is a hard task because she's taking an interim class, a Master's student, a lifegaurd by day, and bartender by night. Getting a lunch in with her, which lasts under an hour usually, is as hard as the secondary education and history classes that consume her. So you know how excited I must be to have seen her today, and am seeing her again tonight! I've blogged about her before. She's equally as passionate about fulfilling her life goals as I am and she's got a style and grace that is all her own. If I am a Woodstock loving, vinyl record collecting, free-spirit, then she is denim and diamonds, driving for Dale and dancin' to Hank kind of girl that channels a true June Carter. When you get us together, give us a Light beer, and turn us loose to a country cover band, you're bound to see a show. Equally clumsy, too, so usually one of us is on the ground and the other is pointing and laughing.

I got to see Kayley at the pool, too, and I don't think I've ever found myself with my two closest friends, in the middle of the day, poolside in quite some time. It feel ahhh-mazing! Kayley had cooked dinner at her boyfriend and one of my best guy friend's apartment last night and had me over to eat. We had yummy chicken and scalloped potatoes and watched the Dancing With The Stars results show. I was sad to see Ochocinco go home, but I would have screamed bloody murder if Erin Andrews was sent home. It would have been that incredibly painful for me. Monday night when the episode showcased the celebrity's background and life, I was moved by Erin. Everyone knows that I idolize her because of her passion for her school (even though it is UF and all) and because of her success in my "other" dream career. (see my other blog here) But her ability to come out and do a show that is so daring and performance-oriented made me have NOTHING but utmost respect for her. After her showcased biography during Monday night's performance round, she came out and kicked some serious ass and made a statement for women everywhere that have been victimized by sexual harassment. All I can say is, bravo! And to Kayley's cooking, bravo! I'm looking forward to having a good time with good friends, and the term 'good friend' is an understatement for Kayley. Her goodness to me was so bountiful after the fire. She thought to bring me makeup, hair tools, toiletries, under garments, socks, razors, nail files, the little things that make a big difference when they aren't taken for granted. I hadn't even realized that I lost all the little things like nail clippers and tweezers, but she did. There aren't enough good things I can say about a friend like that. The kind of friend that walks in when everyone else walks out.

That's why I don't care that I haven't heard from KG, BB, WP, and many others that I thought were my "best friends" before I was struck with this personally huge disaster. It's funny, too, because as I talked to Kathleen and Kayley about how I believe in soulmates now, I told them that things happen so that we can see who and what are supposed to be in our lives... and not only that, but do you know what the one thing is that sets a regular learning experience apart from the truly life-changing? You find out the WHY to go along with the who and what. Maybe I was that far from God and He needed something to happen that challenged my mind and my heart, but also my soul and my life in general. I learn new reasons WHY everyday when I stop myself from complaining about my plastic dresser and my bare walls, and instead praise God for giving me clothes to even need a plastic dresser, and for giving me the plastic dresser because some people have nothing. I praise him for the walls that keep me sheltered, and pray for the people who do not know of such a thing. And you find people that admire you and you find an even deeper admiration for them because they stopped to notice the positive change in your life. These things, these are the why's.

Today Kayley said something as I was walking away from the pool and Kathleen agreed. It feels good to know that the Lord's work in my heart is showing on the outside. I refuse to hide it under a bushel. I heard her say this, "Baily's a changed person because of this. That fire was life-changing for her." 

I needed the change. I needed the Lord to work in mysterious ways on me. And he has. Bravo, God! Bravo!

Peace&Love

Baily

another one about forrest and jenny

I suppose if you've read any of my earlier blog posts then you might recollect that I am intrigued by the movie Forrest Gump.  It's funny, because a lot of my life has played out in ways that I can relate to the movie.  The basics: Forrest and I were both students at the University of Alabama.  Forrest and I both love running, our Mama's, and Elvis.  And, Forrest and I have always had that one special person in our lives.  Jenny was a folk music loving 'hippie' and we both love Joan Baez.  In my younger years, my family called me "Bubba" when I had to rock the "lip bumper" for orthodontic reasons.  And when I'm mad, sometimes I wish I could fly free like a bird just like Jenny wished, or I throw rocks into thin air out of anger.  Like Forrest said though, "sometimes, I guess, there just aren't enough rocks."

I'm a human and because of that, I can't say that I have been strong and graceful throughout this entire fire situation.  I get frustrated, a lot!  I try to get caught up with schoolwork and have to relearn that my textbooks don't exist anymore and I get excited about wearing one of the new outfits my mother bought me right before the fire and have to remember that I don't have that wardrobe anymore.  I'll go to invite friends over and remember that there's not too much room in my temporary home.  Little things seem to have gotten the best of me lately.  I'm tired, fatigued, and not as easy to wake up in the mornings these days.  Not that I have ever been a morning person, but it seems to me that I dread having to start another day in this weird "funk" I have been living in.  Yesterday, I was not having one of my 'better days'.  That was until I decided to watch my favorite of all movies.  This required me to go to Target and use one of the gift cards that friends contributed to me, but it was well worth it.

So many things enlightened me, inspired me, and humored me - as that movie always does.  I have SEVERAL favorite scenes, but the one that always got to me most when I was a little girl is the same one that get to me most nowadays.  When Forrest returns from Vietnam and reconnects with Jenny, who was gypsying across the nation, from "Berkeley to D.C.", in an old Volkswagen van.  She asks him "why are you so good to me?" and he simply says "'cause you're my girl."  It's funny because I don't think of myself as a romantic and I definitely straddle both sides of the whole destiny and fate thing.  But even as a young girl, and especially now, I always have wanted someone who loves me unconditionally and doesn't care if my style is a little wacky. I want someone who doesn't want to intersect with my personal dreams, but rather support me and love me through my life journey, while having a journey of his own at the same time.  The kind of love that stands beside you and guides you, rather than hold you back or push you into a life you don't want.  Maybe we all have that person, or maybe there is just a lucky few that do, but I know I have him in my life.

I admire him because he has never tried to be my teacher, but he is the one person that would always be there for me when I need to throw rocks at my past and if I wanted to be made into a bird and fly away, he'd pray it with me.  I know I'll always be "his girl" and he knows I'll always have some crazy, far-out dream to chase.  But that's where it might differ, because he's the one person, other than my family, that believes in me and doesn't find even the craziest ideas of mine to be all that crazy.  He just knows that is who I am and how I'll always be, and as long as I keep my heart open and stay true to myself, he'll dream it with me.

And he knows that he is special to me just like Forrest knew he was special to Jenny.  They were one another's first friend, best friend, and soulmate.  I think of how it would've been if I hadn't had this 'first friend' of mine at Alabama stick with me through the good times and bad these five years.  It is probably safe to say that the whole course of my college history would have been shaped entirely different if we weren't able to withstand some of the adversity that came our way.  I can't help but admire the relationship that we have and we both know that it is far from ordinary.  Plus, our friends remind us of how not normal what we have is.  But like Ms. Gump said, "What's normal anways?"

So as I begin rebuilding my things, it is important that I only take with me the things that mean the most to me.  Obviously my family and friends are the essence of my life, and with them, I do not need the material things that I lost.  But, I'm a go-getter and I promised myself that I wouldn't let the fire hold me back from having the things that make me who I am.  The sleeve of leather and bangle bracelets, the journals I pour my heart into, the music that makes playlists of all different aspects of my life, and the clothes that describe me as a girl who's wild at heart.  All of those things will be rebuilt, and soon I'll be rockin' my style like a fire never happened.  But, I still won't be "Baily" without the friends that have truly and undoubtedly made me who I am. 

There's no need to hang on to the people in my past that don't support me in my new beginning.  Like Forrest was always told, "you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on," I firmly believe that to be true.  The people who try to hinder me from embracing my crazy life and the ones who haven't been here for me when I was throwing rocks during this difficult time.  I guess life has a funny way of showing us our purpose and the ones we value most.  I'm just glad I didn't keep my heart closed off any longer because losing my possessions in a fire doesn't compare to the damage I could do to my life by not letting someone in who has loved me longer and loved me deeper than anyone else.

It never fails that I learn something new about Forrest Gump every time I watch it.  I may have known the lines of the movie by heart (I don't kid!) but I didn't know too much about that heart of mine until now.  I don't know why he's so good to me, but I'll guess that it's because I will always be his girl.

Peace&Love

Bjj

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."

a day in the life

One day can change your life.  One day can ruin your life.  All life is is three or four days that change everything.

I got to thinking about that quote the other day after me and one of my roommates, Elena, were watching the movie "Riding In Cars With Boys."  I guess I would have to agree with it.  I mean, I've been alive for twenty-two years but there are probably only three or four days that have shaped my life thus far.  The days that explain family, make or break friendships, and test your belief on romance and love. 

I guess we don't really know when these days are coming for us or else they might not have changed as much in our lives as they did.  It's the unpredictability and spontaneity of these days that are the real kicker.  Like when you think life is as perfect as a picture show until the day your dad comes home to tell you the news of his cancer.  Or when you think you found that one person who is your ultimate soul-mate and then go over to his house to see that he wants to move on and break-up with you.  The day you spend in a wedding dress and veil.  The day you go into labor.  The day you see life from a better perspective.  The day you find love again.  Whatever it is, we all have those days and we all let those days play a major role in shaping the weeks, months, and years that lie around them. 

Most of these days are looked back upon with the wish that we could have done it different or been more prepared or changed the way it all played out.  I'm a firm believer that a girl's college years are, by far, the years that are spent experimenting with life.  Most of us girls find what we think is true love, we find our niche and propell ourselves into the career world, we find our friends and we find our enemies, and we cling to our parents morals and values that we grew up knowing but redefine ourselves with our own individuality.  Some of these life experiences end with great joy or they end up with regret and a broken heart.  But, the most amazing experiences of them all, are the ones that leave you with a knew peace of mind and a tighter grasp on knowing who we really are.  And if we are really lucky, sometimes life lets us learn from our experiences and rewards us with a second chance.  Two years ago, when that one day ended a lifetime of possibilities, all I ever wanted was life to give me a second chance.  I clung to the thought of a second chance, and I was distraught that I never was given one.  Until I realized that it was all a learning experience and I had a lot to learn before life would give me what I wanted in regard to that one day and that one experience. 

I guess all we really can do is keep the faith, perservere, and let all the weeks, months, and years that lie around these three or four significant days do their job.  Their job is to teach us something, renew us, and give us a chance to become better people, better friends, better lovers, whatever it might be.  And once we do that, and if we're really lucky, we get that one more day that we so badly wanted and needed.

Lately I've learned the value in forgiveness and making each day count, because we never know when it is going to be one of "those" type days.  Tonight when we go to sleep, we don't know if life is about to throw one stomach-punch of a curve ball or if it's going to hand us a reward for perserving.  It's part of the crazy, beautiful life, I guess, and a notion to the fact that we just have to keep on truckin'.  Because, seriously, who knows what is about to happen.

Peace&Love
Bjj

LOVE. never fails.