Her Dance Needs No Body

Her dance needs no body, no body at all.


She is both darkness and light.

I love when people send me music, and I especially love waking up to something like this on a Monday morning.  Knowing that someone thought of me when they heard this song, and it being my favs - Widespread Panic - makes me so darn happy and proud that my darker days AND shining moments have been influential and inspirational to others.  I love hearing about me inspiring others.  I love knowing that when music moves someone, they like to tell me about it because they know I've been moved and danced along to a musical journey throughout my battle with depression.  From cloud 9 to the flaming glimpses of hell I've gone through, music has been my constant therapy.  The Lord has been my bass player.  I have been the dancer.  And now I'm ready to be the singer.  I'm ready to take over and sing the song that the Lord wants me to and spread it to others. 

It is Spring and almost Summer...
and you know that means I'm in jam mode!
Go ahead and be prepared for music taking over this blog ;)

Peace Love and Music
Baily

Destiny Unbound

I really have a lot on my mind today – good things, neutral things, but not so much bad things.  It seems that the way my life has been the past five years – full of extreme highs and extreme lows – I unfortunately know the depths of sadness and darkness that qualify as “bad.”  I don’t really have that ache, that heart-wrenching feeling of something horrible overcoming me.  Do I feel numbness in the parts of my heart where I should be feeling pain right now?  Maybe. 

I used to fear this – numbness.  I used to think, I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.  But right now, I am enjoying this intermission from life’s painful heartaches.  I love how there is enough JOY in my life right now to stop the stinging and lessen the trauma that a knife in the back will cause.  I’m not bleeding out, instead, I have myself under control and I’ve displayed a grace that I can respect for myself.  I’m not crying out to this person that I absolutely loved and cared for tremendously (even though a lot of times I want to), because I feel given up on by them. I didn’t deserve to be left out to dry like this, and I don’t know why all of a sudden I was.  I missed the moment when we took a U-turn and started heading South.  I’m confused and feel incredibly misled, misunderstood, and disrespected.  I miss this person terribly, but I miss the feeling of being missed and adored even more.  I wanted and needed BIG LOVE, and I found it… I was promised it… I was given it… but I guess I forgot to ask how long it would last.  

At least it is numbness and not the bellowing wails and sob-soaked pillows and empty boxes of Kleenex.  It’s not teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry and Carrie & the girls.  It isn’t seeking revenge or demolition.  It isn’t insomnia, not eating, or not taking care of myself.  It isn’t the usual “what am I going to do?”
 or “who is going to love me?” or “what is wrong with me?” or “how am I ever going to get through this?”  It is none of that. 

Instead, it’s me saying… “this ain’t my first rodeo!” and bucking up and doing the things that I have learned over the years – how to have my heart broken.  And this time, I’m not doing those things that I used to do.  I’m not “coping” in an irresponsible way and I’m not letting the growing number of guys out there who don’t think I am worth it convince my own mind that I am not worth it.  Because I am. 

And I will continue to try on the shoes that catch my eye until I find that damn glass slipper.

There is a glass slipper, size 6, still out there right???? Prince Charming is still on his way with it, isn’t he?  I hope someone send him the message that the bar has been raised, the standards are a little higher now – after knowing the love life I most recently knew.

I think the reason I am not handling this huge loss from my life the way that I did a break-up three years ago (that I describe as ‘what broke me’) is because I am a stronger person for knowing this individual.  I know what is possible when two hearts that are meant to be together meet for the very first time.  Love grows wildly.  I know now that a smile isn’t in perfect teeth or soft lips but in how genuine and heartfelt it is.  I learned that life is only as hard and as serious as we make it for ourselves.  I was reminded of how to live in the moment, when to take big risks, and what kind of man I want by my side.  I was brought back to life.  I was adored, loved, and appreciated. 

And then one day, it went away.  Or it was ignored.  I don’t know if it is still there, where and with whom the heart of this person is.  Oh how I hope that if it belongs to someone else already, she knows how good and wonderful and valued that heart is.  I hope she makes his eyes sparkle like I once could, and I hope they spontaneously dance to music in the kitchen and in Wal-Mart parking lots.  I hope she inspires him the way he told me I inspired him: to be the best version of himself, to want to do good, to want to settle down, to travel, to go to music festivals and concerts, to read books,  to be closer to one another’s families, to be as happy always as we were nearly everyday.  I hope he always fights for what he believes in – and even though I feel like I was given up on, I will never be convinced that he did not believe in me and in us.  He was my biggest fan and I was his, and that’s the hardest part about not having him in my life.  The love was short, but it was so real.  I’ll never forget the way he described life when we were  together, “The world and my life are just “right” and “real” now that I know you and love you, Baily.”  I could not have agreed more.

So here I am, numb.  But full of joy, too.  Because I am proud of how far I have come.  I am glad that I knew this love and that it brought me out of the darkness and made me come to life again!  I was able to experience love in a more profound way – love worth taking risks for, love worth traveling for, love worth making special accommodations for.   But now… but now I need to experience being loved enough to fight for.  Being loved enough to hold on tighter when things seem to be slowly slipping.  I need to know what it is like to be loved unconditionally – where time and distance don’t separate you but make you grow fonder. 

I guess I didn’t know how important that was.  I didn’t know how strong time and distance are.  Or, I just thought that since what we had was so perfect, pure, free from arguments and fighting, and full of love and generosity, that the whole time and distance thing wouldn’t have as large an impact on  us.  I STILL think that, but I do think that any relationship (especially one like this) takes effort from BOTH people….

and that was exactly where the problem was.  And where the pain starts…

Peace & Love

Baily

She started the ignition and without permission,

the two of them flew down the dusty road

But the road wasn't finished and the pavement diminished,

They soared off the edge and they plunged in the sludge

She said

 "THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY ROAD, OUR DESTINY WAS BOUND,

WE WERE THE ONES FOR US, BUT NOW WE'RE IN THE GROUND."

-Destiny Unbound (Phish)

I'm Moving On

"I've loved like I should
And lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm moving on "

-rascal flatts

ive been called ruby tuesday

she would never say where she came from

yesterday don't matter if it's gone

while the sun is bright or in the darkest night

no one knows she comes and goes

goodbye ruby tuesday, who could hang a name on you?

when you change with every new day

still i'm gonna miss you

don't question why she needs to be so free

she'll  tell you it's the only way to be

she just can't be chained to a life where nothing's gained

and nothing's lost at such a cost

goodbye ruby tuesday, who could hang a name on you?

when you change with every new day

still i'm gonna miss you

"there's no time to lose"

i heard her say

catch your dreams before they slip away

dying all the time

lose your dreams you will lose your mind

ain't life unkind?

goodbye ruby tuesday, who could hang a name on you?

when you change with every new day

still i'm gonna miss you

the rolling stones

ruby tuesday

...don't you love how dramatic mick jagger is in this video?

you aren't american if you don't love the stones.

peace and love

baily

mi vida, en realidad (my life, actually)

I have not been a very active blogger lately and I am completely aware of it.  Sometimes things get busy or the stars align in other ways and we are too busy living and experiencing and we have to wait until things slow down in order to update the blog and all.  That's very much what has been going on with me.  Between schoolwork and entertaining a suprise guest, I just not have found a sweet little window of time to get some things off of my chest.

In time's past, when I say I have to unload the thoughts and burdens that are bothersome, it has come out in an unorganized mess that is usually an honest depiction of the process in which most my thinking occurs.  Anywho, I have a lot on my mind to say the least: some makes me happy, some makes me sad, and some have not been figured out entirely so I'm not exactly sure what sort of affect they will have on me.  

For starters, school is going well.  I have to admit that it is sometimes aggravating having to live in what is remnants of the fire and doing the things and sort of assignments I was doing before they were items to be added to my insurance claims check. But, Forrest Gump said it best... shit happens.

Speaking of FG, I watched that movie recently.  Actually, I watched all 3 of my favorite movies this week.  Almost Famous, Forrest Gump, and (500) Days of Summer.  Wow.  I couldn't tell you the last time I watched 3 DVDs in one week.  I know I have, because I have always been a movie girl and my sister was the television show gal.  But 3 in one week?  That happened NEVER when my world was the twilight zone.  Thank goodness for having that little luxury back in my life.  And where I thought Mr. Clay was going to be my music-man, he's turned out to be a pretty groovy movie watcher, too.  I have truly missed that for a while now, and it's good to have that back!

Something that has me flustered is that, to put it simply, Dancing With The Stars is absolutely awful this year. Please give me some lovelies to look at like Erin and Pamela if the dances are going to be just as sub-par to last season as the line-up is, but compared to Michael Bolton and The Situation, I would rather watch Jake Pavelka prancing around like a pansie again.  Or, maybe not.  I do like that Sarah Palin is in the stands and that Levi Johnston is banned from the audience.  And even though I was like the very last person of people my age to jump aboard the Jersey Shore boat, and despite the grossed-out near-nausea affect that The Situ & his boys have on me, I'm with my Sissy - I am in love with Snooki.  She cracks me up... and WHO cannot LoVe the fact that she called out our Pop-star Pres on the taxing of tanning beds.  Maybe it's that or maybe it's when she goes into an all-out fit fest she reminds me I'm not the only crazy bia-bia about there. Ha, jk. Maybe.

Oh yeah, speaking of fancy-prance Jake, did I ever let y'all know that I switched to "Team Vienna" after the spectacle he made of himself when he showed us what a d-word he was?  Yes, my ex-boyfriend in high school may or may not have had his transgressions with her... but we all can change... but none of us gals deserve to be treated like that.  "Undermine me?"  Sadly, the term was used with me.  Saddest part, after Jake had already used it and it be viewed by said person accusing me of the underminement. (Is that a word?? I do not know.)

And lastly, what do you do when you can't find the words to say to somebody?  There are two people that I don't know what to say.  One, I want to say goodbye to and leave the friendship that he left behind, but I want to do it with a little bit more grace than he did.  Maybe the reason there are no words is because he doesn't deserve another try and he doesn't deserve my friendship that fuels the need to say what I feel anyway.  So maybe I will just stay silent about that.  Still, I hope he never treats someone the way he has treated me.  But at the same exact time, I hope he can be a lighthouse to another life and safely guide lost ships to shore.  That's what he was for me.  He listened to me but made me hear the music of my own uniquness and that's what gave me the bubbly life of Baily back and what has kept me dancing throughout even the saddest of songs.  But I guess he doesn't neccessarily have to be amongst the ones dancing with me.  'Tis a shame, I would have been a good friend to him and he's chosen to not only have no desire for it, but has no desire to display any decency in listening to what I have to say or to know the new me.  The one that had to roll with the punches and adapt to some major friggin' changes in life.  Some HUGE ones.  Like, Ms. Gump said 'You have to put the past behind you in order to move on' and she's never been more right in her life.  Well, other than the other uber-brilliant lines she is quoted in that extra-uber-brilliant film.  But of course I've changed, better yet - I've improved, and I think that my Faith is what has me to continue on praying for him and the absolutely unneeded dramatic situation, and above all, a life full of happiness - even though most people think I'm batshit crazy for still caring about him.  I guess, once a Bobby McGee always a Bobby McGee.  But like most songs, interpret it as you will
The other, just sort of leaves me speechless for all the POSITIVE reasons.  Just the little things in life that are noticed and put into action without structured planning of so... the laughter that I would have NEVER known was missing until I realized I truly had it back... the ability to be oneself around someone unfamiliar yet more familiar and real than you can even describe, the affirmation that everything happens for a reason, and how pretty the glow of a candle can be after all, and the simplicity of knowing that fire can, in fact, be enjoyed when it's lighting the scene for reheated leftovers with someone special enough to WANT to know me, the REAL me.  And what really leaves me speechless... I've never been so honest about myself with someone in my entire life.  I surprise myself at the things I will tell him.  But they are safe - those secrets are. And any signs of jadedness on my heart are not from him, but he respects them.  I'll be able to put it in an understandable statement one day I reckon.  'Til then, I'll live my days with the appreciation for the people who not only want to build a friendship and relationship with me but they are willing to do it with a leap of faith.  While others, they turn their back on a true intent to be friends with not only him but the people he values with love, including the obviously highly thought of girlfriend of his.  I guess I was a part of a completely different friendship and I guess no matter what I do, or say, people will think of me the way THEY WANT TO think of me. 

And then others, think of me as - to put it simply - worth it.

Oh yeah, to get you caught up to speed with other ramblings: I have a renewed zest for learning Spanish again, I am DYING to get my hands on a personal project and turn it into something that makes a BIG DIFFERENCE for a charitable organization that I am PASSIONATE about, and I can't wait to see my family and get THE MILLIE GIRL back tomorrow.  .  . yes, be prepared for a Momma who has missed 'The Pig' and who will ALSO be getting her digi-cam back and you know what happened last time, don't you? When Mildred and I were reunited post-fire, and the digi-cam was replaced the first go-round (before the Target idiot broke the brand new thing), I ended up taking boo-koos of pictures. 

But it's not like she makes it hard to 'oOoH' and 'aAaAh' over, let's be for serious now...

peace and love

baily

and there's nothing wrong with the way that she moves;

or scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues

what a perf song chico

spread the love wednesday

LOVE

 is like listening to music

from another room...you sing along

because you like the song, but then the

door closes and a train passes by. 

You can't hear it anymore, but

you keep on singing the song. 

Then, the door opens and you

can finally listen again.

peace and love
bjj

my favorite song today:  one day at a time by deana carter

I've got a friend that wears go-go boots to Sunday School

We used to sit and drink pink champagne on a tin roof

Ridin' it out in a Thunderbird,

Singin' out loud every single word of Jack & Diane

Tryin' to pretend there was no rules

Kissin' on boys and sneakin' in bars

Tryin' to get a glimpse of who we are

We weren't wild, but we weren't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

She graduated in 1987

We were gonna make a break for it together

Headed out to Hollywood, where the stars are bright and the weather's good

But she changed her mind and went back to the 7-11

She went and married the football star

Had a few kids and works real hard

It ain't wild, but it ain't far

She said Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Elvis and Kurt Cobain, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at time...

Hey Thelma & Louise, you got nothin' on me

And you can tell ol' James Dean to get in line

Thanks to Jesus and John Wayne, the world will never be the same

You gotta make history one day at a time...

Like John Lennon and Kennedy

I'm with them, yeah, 'cause I believe

You gotta make history one day a time.

una cancion para ti

que hacer buena musica juntos

me gustas

paz y amor

bai 

one hand in my pocket

i'm broke but i'm happy
i'm poor but i'm kind
i'm short but i'm healthy yeahhh
i'm high but i'm grounded
i'm safe but i'm overwhelmed
i'm lost but i'm hopeful baby

what it all comes down to is that everythings fine, fine, fine
because i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a high five

oh yeah

and what it all boils down to my friend, is that everything is quite alright
because i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a PeAcE sign

ya, i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's giving a high five

i love when my american idol homegirl (crystal) sings that song. i just felt like writing the lyrics, that's all. and i may or may not have sung it in the shower every single day this week.

i wish i was getting to see crystal bowersox at golden gate park in san francisco at the power to the peaceful festival.  isn't this festie logo the best you've seen lately? if i were there, i'd buy the tee-shirt, on the real.

download bowersox's  'up to the mountain'

if you like a little soul music that reminds you of amzing grace on sunday mornings

peace and love

baily 

speaking words of wisdom, in the music

I have been in a pretty moving relationship lately.  There isn't just one guy though; there are several of them! Ohh yaaa.  I spend my time with some of them when I'm studying and I've developed such a need for them when I hit the books.  Some of my time is spent with them right before I go to bed, I let them put me to sleep.  Others I get to spend time with on random chance, because I hear from them when I'm driving 'Buster' around town. 

My boyfriends lately have been, John, Kurt, Jack, Trey, Joshua, and Tom.

Then I've had a little girl action from Norah and Ingrid and Miranda.

I'm having a pretty loving and steady relationship with my music here recently. 
My tunes seem to keep me focused on school, and they sing me to sleep from my laptop's speakers, as well as entertain me on my daily commutes via the radioshow.
Ohhh, I miss my vinyl though. :(

John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Jack Johnson, Trey Anastasio & Phish, Joshua Radin, and Tom Petty.

My lesbian lovers have been Norah Jones and Ingrid Michaelson and Miranda Lambert.

When I listen to them, they make it okay that I'm one of those girls that didn't quite "get it" the way the rest of the crowd seemed to.  They sing to me and make me feel like it's okay that I am the way I am, and that it's all good that I have a way of seeing things that everybody else is just afraid to dream of.
They make me feel like I should embrace that face that I'm to the girl with her belly-button showing, that wears Old Spice deodorant, and has an extremely raspy voice.

Everyone's life is a playlist of all sorts.  I've blogged about my unusual, unpredictable, and completely random genre of music interests.  My life's playlist is full of country, oldies, bluegrass, feminism, and free-spiritedness.  It's happy, sad, confusing, exhilarating, inspirational, honest, ridiculous and soul-filled; and the best part about it is that it all means something to me and makes me who I am. 

It's what everyone is talking about when they refer to dancing to the beat of a different drum.  I'm the different drummer.  I'm the painter who abstractly throws paint in a chaotic mess of color and darkness and I leave some sort of blankness in order to recognize the unfinished business I have in my life journey.  The songs I haven't yet mastered... the ones out West, or up North, or in the LoneStar state, or under the mother sun at home or near home in la Floridad. Who knows... and WHO CARES?

The first year of this blog it was all about WHERE AM I GOING? And, HOW AM I GOING TO GET THERE?  And I made myself sick of hearing myself say "WHO AM I? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT? WHO SHOULD I BE WITH? SHOULD I LOVE HIM OR LOVE HIM?"

My music has spoken and it's time to do this: let it be.

Yep, the Beatles have spoken and though shall listen to something as BIG as them, right!?

So along with - LET IT BE - I also learned that all we need is love and that when I think of yesterday and while my guitar gently weeps, I must remember that all things must pass.  They've also taught me to don't ever change and that it feels good to be free as a bird.  I know that I'll be on my way if I'll follow the sun. I've got a feeling that this won't be the last tough time I will have in my life, so that's all right, I've had a revolution with myself and I'm ready to go across the universe to find a ticket to ride the long and winding road.  I have the inner light that I need to the end.  There are things I wish I could tell others, but maybe I can leave what the Beatles have taught me with this....
to know her is to love her
tomorrow never knows
i should have known better
and I get by with a little help from my friends.

I'll tell you about some of my other boyfriends and what they sing to me tomorrow.

peace and love
bai

she's a magical, sparkling tease

she's a rainbow choking the breeze

yo, she's busting out onto the scene

with nightmare bogus poetry

she's melted avocado on the shelf

she's the science of herself

she's spazzing out on a cosmic level

and she's meditating with the devil

she's cooking salad for breakfast

she's got tofu the size of Texas

she's a witness to her own glory

she's a never-ending story

she's a frolicking depression

she's self-inflicted obsession

she's got a thousand lonely husbands

she's playing footsie in another dimension

she's a goddess milking her time

for all that it's worth

-beck

song on repeat - my girl miranda

"More Like Her"

She's beautiful, in her simple little way.

She don't have too much to say when she gets mad.

She understands, she don't let go of anything.

Even when the pain gets really bad.

I guess I should've been more like that.

You had it all, for a pretty little while.

And somehow you made me smile when I was sad.

You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart,

And then you realized you wanted what you had.

I guess I should've been more like that.

I should have held on to my pride.

I should have never let you lie.

I guess you got what you deserve.

I guess I should've been more like her.

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am.

you don't look much like a man from where I'm at,

It's plain to see desperation shown its truth

you love her and she loves you with all she has

I guess I should've been more like that.

I should have held on to my pride.

I should have never let you lie.

I guess you got what you deserve.

I guess I should've been more like her.

She's beautiful, in her simple little way.

-Miranda Lambert

I freaking love her. She's so awesome.

Blake Shelton ADORES her and I want a boy that looks at me that way!

One of the most special people in my life is named Adam Sanford. He took me to

what was supposed to be a weekend of a Coldplay concert and a Kenny Chesney concert (Miranda Lambert/Lady Antebellum) on two different nights in Tampa.

It was this time last year, actually. SO FUN!

Except Chris Martin, Coldplay's lead singer, got the flu and the show couldn't go on.

On the night of the Kenny show (at the Ford Ampitheater in Tampa) it was the biggest rainstorm I've ever seen in my entire life.  But, just in time for MIRANDA, he had a Coors Light in my hand and I was boot scootin' in my Daisy Dukes to what I believe to be

one of the coolest country music girls ever.

If you know me, no matter what kind of feminist activist I can be at times, I'm just not that big on the girls - Shania, Faith, Carrie - none of them do it for the way she does.

I think she's just REAL.

She was hammered, in her Daisy Dukes, and a Texas Football t-shirt when she got on stage to open up for Kenny Chesney.

She said, "Y'all aren't the only ones gettin' drunk while waiting out this storm!"

Then she busted out White Liar which has become my friends' fav to blast in the car with me

Rock on, girl.

"Hey white liar, the truth comes out a little a time. And it spreads just like a fire, slips off of your tongue like turpentine. And I don't know why, white liar."

PEACE and LOVE

BAILY

"Here's a bombshell just for you, turns out I've been lying too."

And since I have blog friends from everywhere,

and because I am a proud

S O U T H E R N   G I R L 

I am going to put my favorite <country> song at the moment's lyrics

 on a new post above this one! 

 (and since my bff from home is from New York but

takes to Southern things because of ME and

 I love her and I know she would appreciate this song's lyrics...

so check my next post, Mandy!)

dear mom and dad,

you know how you like to joke that

i'm one part hippie, one part country-girl?

i'd like these for my bday please.

23 in 23 days!