I have so many things that tug my thoughts in different directions. I have burdens, desires, confusion, and a tiny place of serenity that I can sometimes calm my thoughts down to.
But usually... my mind would look like this if it could express itself...
So I'm sorry that I have not been very regular in the blogging department. Lots on my mind. And don't even get my started on all the different tugs at my heart. Which way to turn? Hell if I know... I guess that's what I am trying to figure out while I've been a sketchy blogger friend.
I'm a little bit lonely - but I know that I am surrounded by good friends and a loving family. But being lonely isn't being alone. I've always known that I am not alone, but me and the feeling of lonely have become quite acquainted. Even when I masked my loneliness with a boyfriend or special friend - I wish I would have just been honest all along and realized that it is something I am struggling with on a personal level and it was a void in my heart that no boyfriend or special friend could fill for me. Maybe that's why I am mad at myself some days. Because some days I think that if I would have taken the time to figure out this "voided" area in my heart I would have saved myself and others some of the pain and heartache. But I can't go back. I need to learn that - I can NOT go back.
Uggghhh.... but I am struggling with so much disgust for the people that actually made me happy, safe, secure... but then just bolted when things got hard or when things (and people... especially people in his case) tried to interfere and dictate our relationship. Why couldn't those guys just stick out the hard times? Why'd they lie and say they understood what I was going through and they'd be there for me through it all? Why didn't he just see that he was happiest when he wasn't letting his family control him, but he was living out his free-spiritedness with me? There are SO MANY things that I will not understand.
I want to be free of this person, because he allowed people to throw me out and slander my name into the ground until he started to believe them. It's not fair, I was a good person, full of the "big love" that he wanted, but he just walked out. (And now dates a 19 year old with the most disgusting use of language on her FB wall that I couldn't even bear to look at it anymore.)
So that's been on my mind!!! Why a family thought so low of me but welcome, with open arms, a girl with such a lack of class that she uses c-words and f-words all over the place like it's normal lingo. It bothers me and it eats me up.
BUT, I have been able to free myself of some of the burdens that his "vanishing act" laid on me. I rid myself the "friendships" with some of the people that I thought were like family to me. They didn't stick up for me, they threw me under the bus, and they have shown their true colors. But at the same time, other family-friends have told me that I am a better person for not having to deal with the b.s. that these people threw at me and even though I experienced a love on a different level with this special person - I can be stronger for it, but I am even stronger by not being around the people that never gave me a chance, chose to make up their own impression of me, and tried to bring me down - constantly.
That's just ONE thing that has been on my mind. And I said there were several so please excuse my "funk" I've been in lately as I try to sort out my life again. It seems like everything had gotten clear, organized, and peaceful and then disruption occurred and things went extremely chaotic in my confused little brain.
Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I am already feeling more empowered because of it.
peace & love
baily
6 comments:
Wow...I'm sorry that's awful. It sounds like you're on your way to getting over it though, and you're so much better than the 19-year old foul mouthed girl. :) You'll find someone someday that appreciates you for everything that you are.
<33
I am sorry that you are having to deal with these things sweet girl.
It sounds like you are on the road to getting out of the darkness and back into the light. I have felt that void - it is definitely something to address on a personal level. it can't be filled by substance or people. =/
I really loathe the c-word. It is so disgusting and trashy.
God will lead you down the path to the man and his family who will love you unconditionally my dear!
Lovely blog!
Thanks for visiting my blog and becoming a follower!
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http://luckysparkle.blogspot.com
White horse became one of my favorite songs after my break up but I stopped listening to it because it brought too many flashbacks.
Oh my dear friend, where do I begin? I can relate. I know how you feel. I felt that way not so long ago (still get those feelings every once in a while), but each day is different in a good way because I learn something else about myself each day.
My ex bf's sister dragged me down the floor after my break up. Having someone whom I helped unconditionally "all the time" hurt me that way was worst than the actual break up. She made up horrendous things about me and shared them with her friends (who go to my college and made my life a misery during the entire semester-fall 2010, to the point that almost dropped out).
The only thing I can tell you is that what ever you're feeling: the frustration, the hurt, the uncertainty, it will all go away and you're going to feel like a better version of yourself. My experienced turned out to be a great learning experience, I am now more careful with whom I trust with my heart (whether is a friendship or relationship).
I do know one thing though, this guy didn't deserve you, neither did his family or those friends who hurt you. The universe actually did you a favor by helping you get rid of all those negative people (maybe not in the best way, but the fact that they're not in your life anymore should be a reason for celebration). Maybe you don't see it that way now but give yourself time, I know you will later on. Imagine wasting more of your precious time surrounded by such poisonous people? Enjoy yourself, you're a beautiful young lady with a heart of gold who deserves better. Take this time to enjoy your family and friends and let God worry about the rest, I am sure he will take good care of you and has better things in store for you.
Love ya
When I've gone through what you're describing here (and I have) after I've let myself wallow for awhile I've picked myself up and looked myself in the mirror and said "you're better than ALL this. You're better than what these people are doing to you and you're better than what you're allowing to happen. So put them in the past where they belong and move forward knowing that YOU are the best person you can be. And that will be enough for that one special person when you and he are ready to find each other."
Hope that helps some! You're definitely not alone in this..... :)
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