depression

Battling depression has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  But you have to do it.  You can't not battle it, or it's game-over.  Depression requires you to swim like hell just to keep from drowning, not neccesarily in order to get anywhere.  Except you know you will, eventually, but it's what you learn while you're barely keeping your head above water that matters the most.  That's when it is just you and God and the open sea.  That's when terrors of the deep and stormy weather dance all around you but you just keep your head up and eyes focused on the one that will get you to shore.

Since I am being honest and completely open right now, it wouldn't be right for me to say that I haven't made this war on depression a little worse for me.  I am really good at making the wrong decision and I constantly mutter the words 'what the hell did I just get myself into?' under my breath.  No one held me hostage and told me to do the things that I was doing to harm my body, break my spirit, and detour my ambitions.  But, those things happened.  I drank alcohol more than I should have at times, I became way too dependant on my psychiatric medications, and I submitted myself into a world full of negative coping mechanisms and deceitful people. 

But I have experienced the highest of highs, as well.  I used this bewildering stage of my life to learn the real me.  Even though there were phases of sorrow and doubt, there have been moments of bliss and phases of happiness.  Each day I wake up with a thankfulness in my heart for the Lord's gift of another day, and I'm grateful for being able to experience love, family, and friendship.  I know that some people do not even get that and that breaks my heart.  To know that there are people out there who are really and truly as alone and lonely as I feel when the depression creeps in.  Because without the support that I know and have, I probably would've drowned a long time ago.  They threw out the life preservers when I needed them most and they took me to an even more exhilerating level of happiness when I would experience my "good phases." 

Now, I experience more balance.  More level-headed and not so heavy-minded and disarrayed in my thoughts.  I'm beginning to see a more promising future than the one that I have seen over the past couple of years.  I think that is because I am seeing it God's way and not my way and not some boyfriend's way.  I have sometimes taken 'the long way' around things by not focusing God and instead seeing some boy as my saving grace and that was not and never will be the case.  Lesson learned.

But still, it's a daily battle.  Easier than before, yes.  Does it feel like a different war for me now that it is being battled on the homefront? Yes.  But this is the type of war that you want be in your homeland... not ten hours away from the people you love and know would do anything for you, like I was in Alabama.  Like I've said before (and I just can't say it enough), coming home was the best thing that ever happened to me.  What better place to come heal the pain than the house that built me?  How could I have gotten any better inspiration elsewhere than in a home with a father who victoriously battled a very different life-threatening disease? 

I might not be totally happy with the way my life has played out, but I know how terribly different it could have gone.  How horribly wrong things could have been.  I know that I could have made better decisions, but at least I know that now.  Surely to goodness if anything is "better late than never" then TURNING LIFE AROUND is one of those things.  Right?

I think so at least.  That is why I learned to embrace it.  Sure, I am not proud that goals I planned to have already achieved are post-poned and I am not ecstatic over the fact that I don't have all that much to boast about.  I don't ask for pity because I hate it.  But I do ask for understanding.  It is painful to know that family and friends don't always understand the toll that depression takes on your body and the confusion it can cause in your heart and mind.  Trust me, I'm right there with them in not understanding how such a lover of life can have such a hard time loving life.  It's a terrifying feeling to wake up one day and not be the girl that you know you are... to have to ask yourself why you don't care, why you're numb, lazy, achey, and how you can't love the wonderful life you've been given - when for twenty-something years you've been this bubbly, chatterbox, creative-minded, athletic, spunky, ambitious girl. 

So many hours I spent in front of a mirror just waiting for my spirit to come back and fill the hollow body I was looking at and trying to decide if I loved the fact that I couldn't feel anything or if I hated it.  I'd wonder where my life was headed and then the thoughts would get so mumbled jumbled that I'd just find something to get my mind off of everything.  Now, I look in the mirror and I see my smile most mornings.  There's a glow on my skin and I don't know if it's from joy and recovery or if it's traces of my homecoming to Florida, but I think it is a little bit of both.  I don't find flaws on my body that give me an excuse to ignore healthy eating habits, but instead - I'm a twenty-something girl trying to gain a little muscle weight and that's not much to complain about.  I embrace my uniqueness in the clothes and accessories that I decorate myself with but I don't force a dishonest expression anymore.  What I mean by that is I don't doll myself up and pretend like everything is ok if it isn't, so when I'm having one of my "bad days" or I'm in a muti-day "funk" then you probably can guess it by my greasy hair, unmoisturized skin, and decade-old sweatpants.  It is what it is - so I embrace it.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.  I am glad I have had this blog to be so "real" and so "me" with... this was my only outlet for a long time, until I came home to other resources, and this blog is my truest self-expression during a time in my life that has been one scary and fun rollercoaster.  Thanks for seeing me through the highs as well as the lows and for keeping me inspired.

peace and love

baily