depression

Battling depression has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  But you have to do it.  You can't not battle it, or it's game-over.  Depression requires you to swim like hell just to keep from drowning, not neccesarily in order to get anywhere.  Except you know you will, eventually, but it's what you learn while you're barely keeping your head above water that matters the most.  That's when it is just you and God and the open sea.  That's when terrors of the deep and stormy weather dance all around you but you just keep your head up and eyes focused on the one that will get you to shore.

Since I am being honest and completely open right now, it wouldn't be right for me to say that I haven't made this war on depression a little worse for me.  I am really good at making the wrong decision and I constantly mutter the words 'what the hell did I just get myself into?' under my breath.  No one held me hostage and told me to do the things that I was doing to harm my body, break my spirit, and detour my ambitions.  But, those things happened.  I drank alcohol more than I should have at times, I became way too dependant on my psychiatric medications, and I submitted myself into a world full of negative coping mechanisms and deceitful people. 

But I have experienced the highest of highs, as well.  I used this bewildering stage of my life to learn the real me.  Even though there were phases of sorrow and doubt, there have been moments of bliss and phases of happiness.  Each day I wake up with a thankfulness in my heart for the Lord's gift of another day, and I'm grateful for being able to experience love, family, and friendship.  I know that some people do not even get that and that breaks my heart.  To know that there are people out there who are really and truly as alone and lonely as I feel when the depression creeps in.  Because without the support that I know and have, I probably would've drowned a long time ago.  They threw out the life preservers when I needed them most and they took me to an even more exhilerating level of happiness when I would experience my "good phases." 

Now, I experience more balance.  More level-headed and not so heavy-minded and disarrayed in my thoughts.  I'm beginning to see a more promising future than the one that I have seen over the past couple of years.  I think that is because I am seeing it God's way and not my way and not some boyfriend's way.  I have sometimes taken 'the long way' around things by not focusing God and instead seeing some boy as my saving grace and that was not and never will be the case.  Lesson learned.

But still, it's a daily battle.  Easier than before, yes.  Does it feel like a different war for me now that it is being battled on the homefront? Yes.  But this is the type of war that you want be in your homeland... not ten hours away from the people you love and know would do anything for you, like I was in Alabama.  Like I've said before (and I just can't say it enough), coming home was the best thing that ever happened to me.  What better place to come heal the pain than the house that built me?  How could I have gotten any better inspiration elsewhere than in a home with a father who victoriously battled a very different life-threatening disease? 

I might not be totally happy with the way my life has played out, but I know how terribly different it could have gone.  How horribly wrong things could have been.  I know that I could have made better decisions, but at least I know that now.  Surely to goodness if anything is "better late than never" then TURNING LIFE AROUND is one of those things.  Right?

I think so at least.  That is why I learned to embrace it.  Sure, I am not proud that goals I planned to have already achieved are post-poned and I am not ecstatic over the fact that I don't have all that much to boast about.  I don't ask for pity because I hate it.  But I do ask for understanding.  It is painful to know that family and friends don't always understand the toll that depression takes on your body and the confusion it can cause in your heart and mind.  Trust me, I'm right there with them in not understanding how such a lover of life can have such a hard time loving life.  It's a terrifying feeling to wake up one day and not be the girl that you know you are... to have to ask yourself why you don't care, why you're numb, lazy, achey, and how you can't love the wonderful life you've been given - when for twenty-something years you've been this bubbly, chatterbox, creative-minded, athletic, spunky, ambitious girl. 

So many hours I spent in front of a mirror just waiting for my spirit to come back and fill the hollow body I was looking at and trying to decide if I loved the fact that I couldn't feel anything or if I hated it.  I'd wonder where my life was headed and then the thoughts would get so mumbled jumbled that I'd just find something to get my mind off of everything.  Now, I look in the mirror and I see my smile most mornings.  There's a glow on my skin and I don't know if it's from joy and recovery or if it's traces of my homecoming to Florida, but I think it is a little bit of both.  I don't find flaws on my body that give me an excuse to ignore healthy eating habits, but instead - I'm a twenty-something girl trying to gain a little muscle weight and that's not much to complain about.  I embrace my uniqueness in the clothes and accessories that I decorate myself with but I don't force a dishonest expression anymore.  What I mean by that is I don't doll myself up and pretend like everything is ok if it isn't, so when I'm having one of my "bad days" or I'm in a muti-day "funk" then you probably can guess it by my greasy hair, unmoisturized skin, and decade-old sweatpants.  It is what it is - so I embrace it.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest.  I am glad I have had this blog to be so "real" and so "me" with... this was my only outlet for a long time, until I came home to other resources, and this blog is my truest self-expression during a time in my life that has been one scary and fun rollercoaster.  Thanks for seeing me through the highs as well as the lows and for keeping me inspired.

peace and love

baily

a peep into my life: journals

I realized that I talk about my JOURNALS a lot, but I barely ever share any of their contents with you.  To be honest, I have been pretty lax in the journaling department and have been channeling most of my creative energy through my blog.  I haven't set up my "journal station" that I am used to having, so maybe that is why.  I do need to journal more often, so maybe I will add that to my list of resolutions. 

This journal is the bomb.com.  I first had the orignal Listography - which is a bio of your life in fun list-form.  This one is Music Listography - a series of different 'playlists' that make up your life and bio.  I had bought this one for my best friend, Pappas, because he got me hooked on the music that I love and "found myself" through and it was my way of saying thanks and happy birthday to him one year.  Ha.  He said it was so fun and such a good gift, that after I lost my journals in the fire I replaced one of them with the Music Listography and I must say - it has been a good time!  Even if you don't have the actual journal (which you can pick up at B&N, Borders, etc) you can still play along with the prompts!

I'd love to see YOUR music listography!

 A list of my Top Twenty Favorite Bands

 List of the Places I've Seen Live Music

List Performers You'd Bring Back To Life

 List Concerts You Wish You Could Time Travel To

List Songs For Your Wedding Or Commitment Ceremony

 List The Songs To Play At Your Funeral

List Your Summertime Road Trip Mix

This journal - my mom gave to me when I was living like a refuge after the fire.  She sent it in a 'care package' along with a new replacement wallet and a couple of other knick-knacks.  It was overwhelming... the amount of journals and sentimentals that I received from family and friends in the days surrounding my crisis.  It was important that I had these journals - and this brown leather-bound one in particular - to write in and vent out my negative emotions that haunted me.  This journal is full of post-traumatic stress, I can tell you that as a fair warning.  But, it's also a story of love between a girl and her loving family, a girl and her best friend, and a girl and her dog.  This journal encompasses everything that I went through in this twilight zone of a life-phase I've experienced the past few months.  This journal means everything to me.

This journal is sort've a random assortment of stuff (well, they all are) but it's a little more scattered than the rest of them.  Some of the prompts and entries are from the 30 Day Journal Challenge that I did on Janel's blog and then some is just random...

 I like this journal though, it is real, it's Baily, and it's mine.

And the last one I'm going to show you today (because there are more than just these) is this one: 

It's a little bit more art-journaly and scrapbooky for me.

Hope you had fun! Now, get to journaling!

peace and love

baily☮