In the little caption box below my Facebook picture I put a little self-description there. It used to be a lyric from Sugar Magnolia, 'She's a summer love in the Spring, Fall, and Winter, she can make happy any man alive.' Then, about three weeks ago, I changed it to this - "When I find myself numb, I go looking for something to feel." That's an honest description of myself.
I'm not numb anymore, I went searching for something to feel. I felt it, and I not only feel alive... I feel alive and well.
I turned 23 on August 27th and I realized that I only have 2 years to chase down the things I have on my '25 Things Before I Turn 25'. One of them is to figure out who is part of my past and who is part of my future. I think that even though I have only been blogging from ankle-deep waters, I have submerged my whole being in digging deep and finding what all is buried down there for me.
I don't think it is so crazy of me to want to put things behind me and place things at an achievable distance ahead of me. I'm tired of letting things circulate around me and play musical chairs with my life. This is true in so many aspects of my life but I guess I'm mostly concerned with the participants of this little musical chairs game in my romantic life. Everytime I turn the music of my life on and off it seems like there's another blast from my past in the spotlight and I'm blinded by the way they USED to be and don't always take them for who and what they are nowadays. This is my own fault, but the past couple of weeks I have been able to see a clearer view of some. I know that when I start the music back up that person will no longer be in the spotlight and someone else will. That's not what I want and it sure as hell isn't what I deserve. The random chances in my life should not be with people who were unable to find it in themselves to give me second chances. Something I can honestly say is that ever since I was a little girl I have always believed in second chances. Never have I been able to understand why people only try things once. Are we all supposed to get every major part and minor detail to our lives right? We are given no lee-way to right our wrongs, or are some people just too ignorant to put in the extra effort it usually takes to get success?? I've always believed in the latter.
That is why I stopped playing the music that all these ex-boyfriends seemed to dance to. It was my fault for playing the music in the first place. I shouldn't have still entertained them with it. I was entertaining the ideas of people and never felt right when I entertained them in the spotlighted chair. Plus, the music to my life was never a sweet melody to a single one of those boys from my past. For some it was too ecclectic, for others it was the fact that my music didn't sound like every other girl's that they knew. One of them thought they'd get me to switch my music to a completely different tune and another attempted to turn it off all together.
The never-ending, continuous games of musical chairs that I played with the ghosts of boyfriend's past got old finally. I felt all I could feel for them and I needed to get myself out of the game. It had seemed like I was not the one turning the music on and off to see who was in the spotlight after all. They were turning it off. At their convenience and at their disposal. Until the day I dug as deep as I could dig and found Baily Jordan Jones again. It lead me to a special place East of here and I have no regrets for getting myself away from the games of my past - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I was numb, and I went looking for something to feel.
Now, I feel in control of myself and I am dancing (quite happily) to the beat of my own drum. Except the music is louder because I met someone who dances to the exact same beat. Colorful, foot-loose, and fancy free. A simple person who is true to themself and is more real than anyone I have ever met in my entire life.
I see myself better now, I am more submerged into these waters and I can feel the sweet life around me now. I used to think life was bittersweet. That was the realist talking in me. It's bitter, but sweet. I only thought it was bitter because I would let anything sweep me off my feet. The cliches mostly. You don't really realize how much was just bullshit-talk until you meet someone who talks from the heart in so many ways. It feels good to feel again intead of being stung until I'm numb by the coming and going of ghosts of boyfriends past. The cliches numbed me too. They didn't hurt, but they didn't make me come alive. The things that make you come alive, to be yourself again, are the things that are real and spoken with an honest tongue and sealed with the affirmation and adoration of eyes that don't ask for you to be binded by some spell but rather confirm that there are reasons why I have perservered through life's hardships and my heart's brokenness.
I have no regrets for the leap I took. I have no expectation and I am not expected of anything but to be true to myself. I just have moved on from what was to what is and what it is makes me happier than I have been in a long, long time.
Just when I thought there was a whole generation of Cinderellas out there without any glass slippers to fit them, I found the perfect fit.
And that is why I am smiling as I mark thru my list of '25 Things To Do Before 25'.
Well, what do ya know... the
peaceandlove
bailyjordanjones
song of the day: climb to safety by widespread panic
'after all i've been through, you're the only one that matters. you never left me in the darkness of my world.'
1 comment:
You are a great writer. I love this. What an amazing feeling to find the one who dances to your own beat. Yay <333
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