pickingwildflowers

As a recent journal prompt, I was to write a letter to my 'past self' or my 'future self.' I chose to write to me in the past... I found it therapeutic in all sorts of ways, you should try it. I'm also not afraid to admit what I wrote myself, and after a recent big change in my life, I think it would be good for me to write it on here so I have it (because i never know when a fire might take it from me again).
Right now, my heart is broken. I gave myself a chance at big-girl-type love and it wasn't meant to happen right now. I thought I had received my reward for all of the times that had jaded me. I loved hard and I'm ready for that type of thing, but my heart can't deal with doubts and second-guessing. I know I will be fine, I have been in this boat before and I know how it goes. I always come out of situations like this stronger and more fabulous than I was before. And God has a wonderful life in store for me.
I wrote this letter to myself last week. Last week, the 'present self' was in a loving relationship with the person who showed many signs of being my soulmate. Now, I wish I could write a letter to that Baily and warn her that she should have kept her wall up and she should make sure someone'es there to catch her when she falls down in life or falls into this thing called love. But this is the letter I wrote, I wonder what all would change if I ripped it up and re-wrote it...... maybe that can be my next therapy session!

Dear Past Baily,

You may have figured this out by now but, life is hard.  You're going to want to quit and give up on things in life from time to time but you never will - you will ALWAYS bounce back from your pitfalls and you'll look back one day with self-admiration.
You really need to quit sweating the small stuff because it will eventually get the best of you. Keep your faith strong and your friends close and don't ever have enemies to worry about.
Love peace and be peaceful in love. Realize you have a soulmate and cherish your days with a guy you'll meet at your UA freshmen orientation, Chace Spears, because the story with him ends up pretty cool.
Never lose your love for the children in the world and always strive to be an advocate for a better world for them in all that you do.
No matter how dark your world may get at times, just hold on tight and never let your light go out. In all you do in life, in all the dreams you conquer, always do it for the glory and honor of the Lord, do it out of love for the people you love, and do it with that little light of yours that burns with passion. Your passion will  always be your driving force because to you, that's what LIFE IS - passion! It's all about doing what you are passionate about and being passionate in the way you do it. Your passion, you'll come to find out, is to give equality to children with special needs... One thing you will come to find out later in life when you're 20 years old is that you believe, whole-heartedly, that all children have a very special need and that is LOVE and SECURITY and a SAFE LIFE. You'll learn that you are passionate in your beliefs and they will carry you very far in life.
Just don't forget to acknowledge that even though you may go far in life, you have to go through all the BAD PARTS too. But just remember that the most difficult and trying times are the ones you always get through with such tenacity and newfound zest for life. So never, never, never give up. Remember that LIFE ABOUT THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION. Find ambition and inspiration in knowing that the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are usually the ones that do. Gain strength from the understanding that God will NEVER give you more than you can bear, so we must trust in him, even when we wish he didn't trust in us with so much. Since this is a letter to the Baily I consider the Baily from the past, I oughta forewarn you that you'll experience those dreadful attacks that suck the breath out of you at an earlier age than you'll want them. It'll always be hard to talk about those 'transition years' when you were turning into a young lady and not a little girl anymore and having to deal with Daddy's diagnosis along with it. The cancer diagnosis changed the lives of the JONESES' and you'll understand that I mean that in a good way. We put our trust in our ultimate provider and most miraculous healer, and He blessed us. I know I live my present life because of the miracle we were all part of when our hero beat the disease. You'll see how strong it'll always make you, each time a trying time will enter your life you will always remember the gentle words of a loving father and the way it sounds each time he tells it, "don't you give up, if you know one lesson of mine it's that we don't give up, I know it's hard - look at what I've gone through - but it's worth it in the end to keep pushing yourself"....
But the strength you find in the hardest times when life just seems to "happen" to you is that you'll notice carries you through. It's a very entertaining ride thus far, but seriously... hang on tight, never doubt the loyalty of your Sissy - she'll always be there, apologize for taking for granted the sacrifices Momma & Daddy make all along the way so that you are always stylin', and never forget to take the time to record/doodle/express in music and arts (your journals you'll obsess over for years) -> and don't dismiss this vital part of your life just because you know a fire is going to take all that you love. You still need to vent all these emotion we juggle throughout our life journey. Sometimes so many emotions happen to us once we don't really know what to think anymore so we're numb and immobile. But this too shall pass.
You will come to realize one day, and it'll be a good day because of it, that your troubles do not define you! And you can bet your ass they never will as long as you have a say in the way our show goes.
And Ohhh, yeah.....
You also oughta know that you'll FINALLY get a new beginning after the fire. You're actually gonna realize how BIG of a BLESSING IN DISGUISE it all turns out to be. Lots of sad times will occupy your journals in the young twenty something's, so maybe losing it to the fire that reshaped and redirected (tremendously) the life we were really not consistently diggin' was a good thing because those are the times in the Baily life span that needed a FRESH START and need not be dwelled upon again. Anyways, I just want to say that life is all about the ride, the journey, and the destination is ours to perceive while here on this earth. When God calls our free-bird spirit to heaven that will be the ultimate destination for eternity - but that home-coming we have no control over. So what we do have control over is our journey and most importantly WHAT WE MAKE OF IT!!! So live, be gypsyesque. Experience the things while not forgetting our roots, our buddies, our family, and our passions! Look always at the door that opens, and NOT the door that closed... promise us that! Never lose sight of the belief that family is the most important thing in your life other than your strong faith in the Holy Spirit. Always find peace in your times of trouble, be it through good music or great friends or the other amazing things in your life.
One day when you are a twenty-something year old, lover of Tom Petty and vinyl records, and your 'The 'Other' Sister' blog, you'll go through one of the toughest days of your life. On APRIL 13, 2010 your cute little college home off of Bear Bryant Drive will burn in a fire and all that you own and love will be forever tarnished but majority of it will be forever lost and brutally stripped away from you. Right when you begin to gain understanding of yourself, which is your overall quest of self-discovery, you are going to PAINFULLY plucked from the life that was finally beginning to show a little fulfillment compared to the curvy, empty phases of the past years. But that's why you are going to see how you were able to get through the difficult times. The people that were there in your life during this forever life-changing event, are people that you will realize are true friends and the most ridiculously groovy souls you'll ever know. You'll come to realize that a lot of good people are on this earth and it can boggle you for days how on earth you were blessed with so many of the world's greatest people. You'll later be able to find joy in knowing that so many wonderful people showered you with love when, sadly enough, alot of people that you love with rare parts of your heart will be exactly the ones that walk out when you so badly need to cry out for their help (w.p.)... Those friends that connected with you on the most strangely comforting levels, all the ones that don't wish to be your 'bridge over troubled water'... no matter how many jam-bands and folk songs you listen to, you realize that the incredibly soothing feeling you have always gotten when seeking comfort in your music doesn't do justice the comfort you found in late-night chats and mid-night grilled cheese sandwiches, and Chinese food, and sushi dinners. Only so many times can you enjoy your ever -so-famously-known favorite song, Me and Bobby McGee, with a smile until you want to scream "Piece Of My Heart" and start the process of putting together all the jumbled up reasons of why it had to lose my best soul-buddy and biggest encourager right when I did. I know that your friendships will come and go at the coming and going of all the stages in your life-span, but eventually you will learn that there are CERTAIN PEOPLE that you meet on the journey that you wished would have stuck around a little longer than they end up staying. But, you'll also come to know really REALLY well that LIFE DOES, IN FACT, GO ON...
So hold on to your self-standards, and never second-guess the beliefs you have in YOURSELF because I can tell you right now it's going to be a BUMPY RIDE. But, I can also tell you right now that now matter what kind of HELL the life of a twenty-something year old is certainly CONQUERABLE if you NEVER LOSE YOUR DRIVE, never let your passion fade or fail to SHINE BRIGHTEST in your life, never lose your FAITH, and always LIVE LIFE OUT OF LOVE.
I have no idea what's in store for us from here on out, but I can gaurantee that no matter how hard it may get, it'll eventually come to reveal that it was all worth it. And trust me when I tell you all that great stuff about the EARTHLY ANGELS that offer unconditional love to you that, at the end of the day, make life worth it (family, true friends, Chaceface, Sissy, and Millie). Like the loving and wonderful relationship that you find the ultimate happiness in at the time of the fire that burned a little bit of your very bubbly spirit! You'll be amazed at how perfect two people can be together when you find yourself - well you're "future self" - experiencing the things our "current self" is witnessing in the present time I'm writing this letter (July 13)
You'll find a love for releasing your emotions, both highs and lows, through channeling your inner art-lover through journals like the one I'm writing this letter to my "past self" in.
But never let anyone tell you that MIRACLES don't happen because you know FIRST-HAND and DAMN WELL that THEY DO!
And be patient and peaceful in love. Never let anyone or anything define you or stand in your way. Take the time to tell the people you appreciate what it is that you appreciate. Sometimes it means the most when you tell someone why they are SO special... I've grown to know this by having this sort of love from some as well as by knowing the pain from the lack of this love by others. And remember that just like 'Me and Bobby McGee' says...
somewhere up near salinas, oh lord, i let him slip away,
he's looking for that home and i hope he finds it
but i'd trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday
Some people are meant to come and go (w.p.), some are meant to stay forever (??), and others that leave that special mark on our hearts (c.s.).
In both of these Bobby McGee's that you meet in college, love hard, and learn about life from are the rare gems in life and you'll understand that even though some have endings and some have futures you are a better person for knowing both of these people and for being loved by them.
I can tell you that watching distance pull at a very unique bond and strong bond into such a thin acquaintanceship is aching tothe heart but always knowing that those bonds don't come in unending supply will always be something that "past" "present" and "future" Baily will struggle with at all stages in life. But, keep on believeing, appreciate the ones that DO love you and are here for you NOW, and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, GIVE UP!!!!!!!  Peace and Love, B

There is mention of a friend (w.p.) who is someone that was a very good friend throughout a very uncertain time in my life. I don't blog about him, so just re-stating that in case it caught anyone off guard.

Weird how so many things that I am struggling wtih today, as I pick up the pieces and move on, were addressed to myself in this letter. It's almost like the current me was not just warning the past me, but preparing the future me for a painful and blunt force to the heart I was about to take. But, as I just told me, myself, and I up there in that letter.. LIFE GOES ON. I will be STRONGER, more FABULOUS, and ready to take on the world whether I have to do it alone or not.