pickingwildflowers

I have no idea where I slipped up and made some people think that I changed into one of those girls that I don't like and never hope to be.

The ones that want a husband and babies before most people even go home to meet their partner's parents.  The people that think something is wrong with Sissy because she has been married for over two years and isn't on her 8th child.  Sometimes I wonder why people want to rush through life so much . . .

I also don't understand where I went wrong and made someone in particular want to believe that I wanted anything more out of the relationship than they did.  Hell! - to my knowledge, I was wanting less than what they had always wanted.  Always one to set the standards for success, I felt like I was too indifferent because of my alternative way of doing things.  I was never sure if my 'different' way of doing things was looked at as just a creative way of going about situations or if it was looked upon as the 'wrong' way.  
I was always assured that it wasn't the 'wrong' way and I believed it when I heard that my creative, crazy, 'not right' antics (with a grin of course) were respected and admired for their uniqueness.  I thought nothing other than those things because it was something I had always known, and apparently - I regretfully took advantage of too much.

But maybe somewhere amongst all the confusion and the mass amounts of opposing vibes we've been sending off lately, the real girl I am and the genuinity I was always known for was misread as something else.  I've just really reflected on a lot of things lately and still just DO NOT understand how messy it all became and how quickly it all just turned around.
Dead. In. The. Tracks.

It also sickens my friggin' stomach that people like Bubba would give me all those chances, although he never had  true intentions with them, and this person won't.  I guess there are some things that I will never understand.  I guess I don't need to understand them.  If I needed to understand them then someone would want me to and try to help me and give a valiant effort. 

Effort in this situation has been a one-way street.

But, I have been given the opportunity to really put the 'value' theme in my life to good practice.  I've learned what and whom I value and I have also learned to whom I am valuable myself.  Something that you think would be so rooted and deeply planted - the people you value are who we assume, in many cases, to be the ones that value us as well.  Then the cold day in July finally hunts you down.

But then you learn that instead of focusing on the ones that don't value you, even though you value them, and instead you focus on the ones that do value you.  The one's that believe there's a better life for you out there but they want to see you do the best in the life you are in now so that the goal can be reached.  It's a wonder how some people have such a powerful impact over you that they do such a thing from a long distance.  They have no ability to jump in a car and drive an hour, but they seem to have a beaconing affect on your day's happiness.

I guess that's what I value about my friends out there that never seem to skip a beat.  Just because I change and develop into a different woman - seasons come and go - and they stay the same, they dance to the beat of my drum when I need to 'follow' and not 'lead' but they always twirl me and entertain me with a dance or two when I need to let life just groove to the music.  I get so worked up trying to get the right steps down for the people who want a perfect ballroom dance.  But if you know me then you know my infamous answer when someone asks me if I can dance . . .

So, you think you can dance?

Do I think I can? Yes; Can I? No!

Therefore I don't even attempt a perfect ballroom dance and I tend to steer cleer of the types that want that.  That's why I'm a little confused at why I got disqualified so fast.
I'm more of a flower dancer anyways.  It's better to just flail your arms in the air and wiggle anyways because then you don't have to worry about all the different types of dances for all the different types of music.  I like way too much music to handle all of that.

I just appreciate the people that still shine a spotlight on me in life.  The ones that reach their hand out and ask for a dance.  When you've got that spirit in you that makes you want to dance along in life, you hate to be the one having to sit it out. 

So I'm going dancing and I have a funky little jam-loving friend who spins the records for the dance I'm well, flailing around to. I've always said that 'life's a dance' and a special friend who is no longer with us once told me that when I get the choice to sit it out or dance, I oughta dance.

I also promised my best friend that I'd never lose my dance.  She's the nationally recognized dancer, but she respects my groove because I've felt her support from Los Angeles to Tuscaloosa. Funny how I get so much love from my West-coasties these days. Hmmm.... I imagine there's some lovely people there.  I say it's about time I put those flowers back in my hair ;)

'Dancing in the moonlight...'