here's my thoughts.. make of it what you want

I guess no one else will really understand what I'm saying, but I'm going to write it anyway.

So take this what you will. I've tended to be a little scatter-brained lately.

Because as if life wasn't hard enough.

Life went and put another 'KICK ME' sticker on my back.

But it's okay because I also tend to get the last laugh when things happen.

But this one was kind of like in Forrest Gump when he gets wounded in Vietnam.

It just came up in bit me.

I mean, I knew I was in a war-zone.

But I wasn't sure I was going to get shot right in the ass like that.

The war-zone I'm referring to has been this summer, in general.

Starting on that fateful night of mine - April 13th.

It's been more like a hurricane than any other type of natural disaster, my summer has.

Because I'm from F L O R I D A and I know that it's like to

hold on tight for the rain that never stops,

the winds that knock you on your ass,

and the lights that go out in 'paradise.'

So my summer hurricane started with the fire...

And ended with me feeling some of the same creepy and eery feelings that I felt then.

A little lost - but excited about being lost...

when you're a little lost you get a chance to wander around and find the

boundaries you are comfortable with for yourself.

You get to do what you want, but you know not to be an idiot and

get yourself into deeper shit, and you get to find the best route,

best guide, best instrument for your direction, and you get to make the journey -

whether it's 'out of there' or 'farther away' or 'to the destination' -

AND you get to make the most of it. 

You just have to remember what Ms. Gump said...

"You've got to do the best with what God gave you."

So my summer has been like a hurricane in the way that I've been living like a 

R E F U G E E 

and I've been called, more than just several times, that I am a 

G Y P S Y

and a

H O B O

and a 

V A G A B O N D 

and to tell you the truth...

I feel so P E N N Y - L A N E about it.

And speaking of P E N N Y - L A N E, I have to give that 'Almost Famous'

character (played by Kate Hudson) some credit because

I've always quoted her, and believed her, but never listened to her.  

You know, when she puts it real for all the girls like me....

"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If ya never take it seriously, you never get hurt.

If ya never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely,

just go to the record store and visit your friends."

So that's what I did today when I checked back into the hotel that I lived in from

April 14th - May 8th

I stayed long enough to get an 'okay' feel for it, and then went to visit my groupie friends at McGee's house.

The smell, LITERALLY, about knocked me on my you know what when I walked in the lobby.

I literally saw a months worth of days gone by and I wanted to vomit them up before they got to my

heart and just flat-out suffocated. The 'new girl' at the desk asked if I was ok.

"Yeah, it's just hot outside, got a little light-headed with my luggage."

Then I saw my favorite gal on the hospitality staff....

'Well, hey darlin! Are you back? Don't you tell me that another one burnt down on you suga?"

'No, no. Just lots of other minor disasters that stemmed from the 'big one'. It's been one of those summers.

As if I didn't feel old enough already, summer's gone by and I don't think I got to relax much.'

'Well I'll leave you alone in the morning, then sugar, what time do you get up now?'

I DIG IT, don't you?!? Haha

But, despite this fine hospitality, I couldn't be soothed or comforted in a way I badly needed right then.

I just prayed I didn't have a room on the same floor as I did before.

But, let's be serious about the fact that my life forgot to build that little "luck factor" into it's design, so of course I am on the same floor as I was before - that would only make some friggin' sense, huh?

Literally - across the damn hall.

But that makes sense, too, don't you think?

Back where I started, except on the other side of the hall, the backward-version.

I don't expect a knock on the door from a big pearly smile and sunshiney hair.

I can't wander to a different room and use my copy of that room's key and spend the night with one of my best friends and former roommates, so it's just a little bit estranged version of the stranged situation

I have now found myself in, not once, but two times this summer.

Beginning and End.

Like a little phase of my life that I'm supposed to wrap up in a memory-box and seal with a bow?

Is that what I'm supposed to do?

Put it on a shelf?

Can I not be proud of the feats I have made, be excited about the strides I have made toward this goal of mine, and be happy about the responsible decisions I've made regarding my life?

Sure, I may have prepared for light rains this hurricane season, but I wasn't expecting Katrina to happen - but I found myself a victim of losing everything I loved and worked hard on.

I hope no one knows the feeling I have when I think about the fact that I have NOTHING to show for my work in college. Do you know how entirely impossible it would be to compile all of my assignments from teachers (who is the only one that would have a copy) just so I can flip through the gajillion pages that chronicle all the semesters that I've worked so hard.

Ok, so there are a lot of semesters, haha, that's just hilarious, guys. ;)

I lost a MacBook that proved I was a pretty good little journalist.

I lost a Hewlett-Packard that had some seriously good stuff and useful things I planned to use in my life on since it had all of my HUMAN DEVELOPMENT work on it.

And the massssssssive amount of other really meaningful things to me.

It's not just a fire on one level. I know that I am so fortunate and so blessed and I am ALWAYS the first one to say that whether some people choose to see that in me or not.

But on an emotional level. On a self-conflictive level. On a love level. And on a happiness level.

Those levels, it wasn't all rainbows and lucky charms.

There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. Days that I didn't care what I looked like anymore. Days that I didn't take care of myself. Days that I lashed out at people that I did not mean to hurt. There were days that I felt alone, even though I was loved by the highest quality people.

I had a boy who loved me, a sister who gently helped put me back together with her nurse type love, parents who motivated me to challenge myself everyday and a God that promised me if I did so, it would all be worth it in the end.

I lost even more along the way. Not to a fire. Not to smoke damage.

But to a smoke-screen, if you will.

After that fire happened, I was intensely moved by the destiny of who the friends were and who the relationship I found myself in was with. I put back bits and pieces of myself in different ways than I ever have before. I seemed fine. I was on fire in my walk with Christ, and I seemed to be living the picture-perfect happily-ever-after. But then I saw the smoke-screen, the stresses of classes, finances, the horrible feeling of no real place to call home, the uncertainty of what lie ahead, and the inability to wrap myself up in my favorite blanket and read one of my favorite novels or take a nap in my own bed and watch my favorite movies.

All relaxation methods: charcoal.

I desperately tried to tell the people that were in my life that I appreciated their patience with me.

I tried to express my love through my writing, though many went unread even by the people who

rooted for me most to be a blogger and open up the doors in my zest and love for journalism.

I sent cards, wrote letters, but despite my deepest, most desired passion to assure those in my life that things would be less messy, more peaceful, and OH SO MORE ENJOYABLE once all of the

relief-effort work is completed and I'm no longer a disaster refugee.

But as the days seemed to get shorter because the task list and the stress amount got larger,

I was losing faith from people that I would uphold my promise.

So now as I'm over here on  the other side of the hall, and I'm able to look at that life with the view from across the way, I see how eerily grey and stressed the smoke seemed to loom even after the fire damage was reconstructed and my little behind was back in there.

Which made for no sleep and a dash of more sass in the recipe because of it.

So even though my favorite part about the fire has now burst into flames itself (finding what I thought was true love), I must dig a little deeper to find the best part about this situation. 

Sometimes the good things can be found easily. In a big smile, or in swoopy bangs, or in a Sunday sermon, or just by looking out the window. 

This time, from this side of the hotel, the view of what's out there is a little calmer. 

No more interstate noise, or intense street and hotel sign lights, but a grassy hill, some wildflowers, and a place of wildnerness, nature, beauty, and less streess.

I'll take a wildflower outside my window over an 18-wheeler ANYDAY!

I guess I finally found calmness in my temporary home (again) because I found a peace of mind when I looked out the window today. I wasn't looking for a certain car to be pulling into the parking lot below my hotel when rush-hour was over, but instead I took it to mean that the good stuff is what you make of it. I missed Millie at that moment though, she's love the grassy area down there, but I smiled because I know that little dog and I are going to be okay when this is all said and done.

We may be a little like Dorothy and ToTo in some ways, but we'll make it to Oz one day I suppose.

But it has been a hard few days.

Instead of being the nice and sweet Dorothy, a lot of people have me out to be the wicked Witch of the West and I'm not so. I've just never loved that big and lost that much. That should be a compliment to the person it's about. I don't know why everything I've done in the past couple of days has been taken as being catty, selfish, and purposefully hurtful to anyone.

Because I am just one of those people that still cares even when I shouldn't, and I will always be that way.

And even though I may "too often" look for only the good in situations, at least I try to be positive, and keep my glass half-full. There's an art of compromise, an art to self-expression, and an art to communication and I am not Van Gogh at any of the above.

So I hope people can forgive, as I have forgiven them, because that is what the ultimate solution is.

And instead of being mopey and living in the smoke and backing down to this smoke-screen

that prevented me from loving in the way that I wanted to, or prevented me from getting done with all my schoolwork in the time that I most definitely more than anyone else wanted me to, and for giving me too much stress which meant too much to talk about and too much bullshit and baggage that was forcefully added to the mix. I waited five years for the time to be right to know and grow from the kind of love I had always wanted.

The simple love.

A boy, a girl, a friendship, two dreams becoming one.

A challenge, because that's what we did - we challenged eachother.

But I made the challenge too hard and I was helpless in preventing it.

So now that the stress has calmed, I'm unable to express to that particular person the amazement that I was greeted with when the smoke screen finally came down.

It's kind of like, 'I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.'

But I guess since I am disappointed in what would have been,

I can see where I went wrong and know how it should have been,

but I am hurt that some people still don't believe in the "could" part.

Hurricane season has caused some tornadoes to spawn off and cause their own destruction.

The winds have definitely shifted.

The rain has poured, lightened up, and dampened some areas.

And the unpredictability factor: un-real.

I guess when the waters calm I'll be able to once and for all set sail, and see what kind of unpredictable life for myself I can make. And if you've ever been sailing, you'd probably agree that a shipmate makes the ride worth it so I find myself grateful for the friends and family that give me the unconditional love that I need everyday - even when I'm being my most unlikeable, and I continue to have my mind and heart open to new possibilities with those that have come and gone and for those that have yet to come.

But, I'm going to let hurricane season end first. I'm not an idiot and about to cause myself a disastrous stint lost at sea in some epic storm because I'm no hero, and I've made sure no one expects a hero out of me, because it is the most heart-wrenching thing in the world to feel like a disappointment.

peace and love

to me, to you, to many

BAILY