fog lights

This weekend was a turning point.

I have decided that I let the distress from the fire have the spotlight and I haven't shed any light on the fact that there was some perks to the situation as well.

Like, my room.

The night before the fire I was standing in the kitchen with Jackie & Elena.  We all just kind of 'zoned in' on my room and stared for a couple of minutes until I took the silence as my que to blurt out something.

'Cleaning out that room at the end of July is going to be SUCH a bitch!'

They both agreed - how could you not???

Then later that night when it was just Jackie & I, we were talking about boys from our past and things we'll find that are so random but they trigger some intense recollection and remind you of their affect on you. I made the comment that the end of July was going to bring some pretty intense recollections for me because these past two years have been tremendously random but they have affected - very intensely - the person I am as I write this.  Two years ago, I didn't know who I was nor was I so active on my search for finding it out. Therefore, there were reminders of all the ones who have come and gone in my life ALL OVER that little back bedroom.

On the night of the fire when the shock ran through us with jolts of weird energy, I shared a moment with Jackie from across the street when she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well Bai, at least you don't have to clean out all that stuff."  She was right, I should at least be grateful for what it's worth.  But even though I was able to appreciate this 'upside' to the fire this past week when Elena and I moved out of the Oak Avenue house, I spent most of the summer unable to see a lot of the positives that are just now becoming clearer to me. Even though I poured out my positivity on my blog, I was failing to bring it to my life beyond this laptop screen I guess.

That fire pretty much cleaned house and taught me what I needed and needed most. I have simplified my life's wants and desires and I feel like a better person for it.  Even though my life has seemed like a disaster, I haven't been absolutely miserable.  If you could see me on a day to day basis you would see a busy girl with lots of random and unique friends and one really cute dog that looks like a pig. I read the bible everyday but am still a psycho and highlight, date, and label everything that is important to me - just like my outlines have always been. I talk on the phone a lot more because someone rubbed off in me in a lot of ways. I smile a lot, I sing really loud by myself in the car, and I stay positive with others even when the negativity tries to get the best of me.

I value simplicity now and I feel better about myself today than I have in the recent weeks, but I still struggle with some of the repercussions of the fire.  Even though I wasn't aware of this before, I have learned over the past four or five days that if I value something I need to practice it.  Since I value simplicity, I need to live a simpler life. 

Even though I have desired, whole-heartedly, a simple life and fresh start and new beginning, I wasn't thinking in the a clear enough way for that then and it is unfortunate because of that.

When it comes to relationships, I know I have been incredibly stubborn and way too ignorant.  In life, I've always been open-minded and intrigued by the ways of other's and I encourage myself to grow and stay true to myself.  In life, I have never been one to ignore the simple truths and I tend to stand in my ways face-on and ready for it to all 'happen.'  So in this after-life I have experienced this summer, why have I been so ignorant to a truth I've already faced in other ways but not this way?? I never could just "let anything go" when it regarded the fire and the things that only I would understand in the first place.  I knew that no one could relate but I spent so much time trying to get them to see things from my perspective, anyways. I wanted so badly for them to understand the pain I was going through because of the personal attack that the fire was to me.  I never wanted them to feel the pain, because it's almost unbearable, but I have come to realize why the pain is so vivid and new-feeling still. 

I need to really simplify my thoughts.

And I need to be honest with myself about it.

Notice that I didn't say feelings...

because the feeling part comes after the thought part. That's a simple truth in a neuroscience way. So maybe it has taken me a little longer than any of us had planned on it taking me (especially 'my person') but I understand now that if I slow down in life, I can de-clutter my thoughts, and organize my feelings.  The brutality of the fire and "other recent losses" has been suffocating and some days I am all-out sick. But it's because I numbed myself of having any feeling and I shielded off anything that was real/negative.  I have accepted and felt wildly about the real/positives but I'm scared shitless of the real/negatives.  I know they have to be dealt with eventually and I know what the issues are that I have numbed myself to and I'm ready to either feel and thrive from those feelings or feel and move on from those feelings. There's no need to crowd my mind with these thoughts that turn into panic and cause my self assessment to go bizzurk.

So, I get it now... if I question everything a little less then maybe I'll question myself less, too.

If I left my stress at home then maybe that person wouldn't have brought theirs with them.

If I felt and thrived then I would move forward. If I felt and moved on then I would move forward. I don't know why I haven't wanted to move foward.

Does it surprise you, though, that I just put two and two together?  I've never been very brilliant in the mathematical equations but I mean - any of you, especially "you-you" - is it really a shock that I was a little looney in my ways this summer? Does it surprise you that I drove you crazy and had you worried and laughing and happy and mad all at the same time? Isn't that how I have always been? Am I not just living out the themes of my life: passion, love, and value?

The more I have thought about it, my "right-brained way of thinking" really does know how to simplify life down to the principles or values of my own (for my preferred choice word) that allow me to de-clutter life if I apply them to the situation I'm challenged with.

Being simple doesn't mean that I cannot feel and it is not to say that I'm not allowed to look at every situation from different views and perspectives, but being simple does mean that I frame my thoughts around the only things that really matter to me.

P A S S I O N

and

L O V E

and

V A L U E

It's funny because if a fire teaches you anything, it's value.

Once you know value, you can find the truest of love in the one standing right in front of you.

When you love someone like that and look at them as your most valuable, then you know passion. See, ABC and 123 - simple as that.

It's just I don't understand the mathematical reasoning like you left-brained thinkers.

With all the abstract thought splatter on my canvas it takes me a while to understand even the "simplest" of things. I want to be simple and think simple and feel whole-heartedly and I know that this is possible now that I understand this issue of mine. 

I know I won't always be perfect in thought or perfect in feeling but I can be passionate in both, so that is all I promise. To be passionate and to stay true to myself but simplify the process so that I can get down to the point of things - my themes.

So here's to de-cluttering! I'm sure I'll enjoy! :)

Peace and Love

Baily

I would rather remove the bad things from my life so that they don't overcrowd the good things to the point where the good thing removes itelf. I think that good part would like how much clearer the view is now.