There's no quick way to explain everything that has been going on here lately. Actually, I've given an attempt at an "update" post already but I ended up rambling, crying, and becoming so tired I couldn't even read it to see if it made enough sense to publish. Nonetheless, it was way too long and it was my vent session that had all the little tiny details about everything. I remember typing pretty fiercely, and that always means I'm really getting it off my chest. As fast as my mind races... and as many places it goes in one deep thought process... my hands cannot keep up with what I have to say.
Anyway, I cannot make total sense of everything anyway so I'm just going to catch things up on what has happened. My previous posts mentioned I had been out of town a lot in the month of July. Every weekend, actually. So on top of just being overwhelmed with life, I was also in vacation, weekend getaway, and family obligation mode. As we all should be aware, there are lots of things that come before blogging.
On top of a busy and exhausting month, the life Baily does like it always does and threw me a curveball. Then another. And another. And then another. Life unexpected happened and big lessons were put before me to learn.
I have made myself proud this time around, though. I have not sunk into a hiding place where I just prevent myself from experiencing any happiness and joy for the sake of avoiding another something to jump up and bite me in the you know what. I have applied the hard blows I took in my past, I remembered the pain of my past experiences with the life unexpected, but this time I did not allow myself to be engulfed by it.
My HS soccer coach committed suicide, my elderly Uncle Fred passed away at the same time my Papaw was in the hospital with heartrate/blood-pressure problems and having a Pacemaker put in, and a dear and special and one-of-a-kind friend died in his sleep at the age of 25.
Do you want to know what will make a person go crazy? Asking why! Why no one knew Coach Barnett was at a level of such deep depression. Hell, especially me. I am full of memories of his good advice and lessons in life that only a "coach" can brings to the life of a young person, especially when they share a special bond like he and I did. I would have had no shame in telling him my story and sharing my past experiences with depression and darkness and been a "coach" to him. But I never got the chance. I cannot dwell on why.
Why was it easier to handle the death of my great-uncle than any of the others? Because in his last days he told his family of his love for them and was at peace in knowing the misery would be over and a perfect eternity awaited him. He was prepared for his homecoming. Therefore, we were ready for it, though it hurt to lose a good soul who was loving and dearly loved.
Why did someone as special as Greg Gonzales... "Chevy" as we called him... never hear his alarm waking him up because he passed away in his mid-sleep at the ripe age of 25? Why Chevy? Why was I reminded not to take life for granted in hospital room with my grandfather that very weekend that a young life was taken from the earth at an age we feel is too soon.
As I lay in bed thanking God for not having a worse situation with my Papaw like I know so many others have had to experience, a friend that I planned to make a lifetime of memories with was suffering an aortic aneurism in his heart. God called him home. You cannot explain the why's of things. I have learned this through the life-journey I have come to know... the crazy/beautiful life I lead.
Do you know how I have made myself proud during this time of sorrow and tragedy? First, I had to go through the crappy times in life a few times previously and learn the difference in how I handled the blows and figuring out which one worked and which one didn't.
I have spent this time of mourning with my eyes open to the light of God and I have put my complete trust in Him. At other times I have instead stood with my eyes closed making situations even darker than needed. My sight was in the worldly things which kept my eyes off the only light that could get me through to sunnier days. When I have attempted to handle tribulation on my own, things went from bad to worse to miserable to completely lost. When I have allowed God to handle it, which my roots and core values know to do - I am able to experience joy even when at the same time hurting over loss.
That is what I have been doing rather than blogging. I have been in mourning but it's been more in celebration of the lives that were lived by faith and not stuck in a place where I just dwell, and dwell, and dwell some more.
I have been with friends who were brought back together through tragedy. I have been in reverent prayer and devotional time with the Lord as He has revealed Himself to me in so many ways and I have been able to have the strength and wisdom to carry on because I know all things are possible with the Lord. That wisdom came from experience, trial and error, and witnessing an overwhelming presence of God in every circumstance - good, bad, big, and little.
I am sad, but strong. I am not mad at God, but trusting in His work. I do not understand the ways of it all, but I am not God and therefore I only can understand what my human mind is made capable of understanding. I want to ask "why" and it pops into my head at constant but I answer myself with the only vague answer there is - "Because God has a plan and a reason and purpose for everything." I just use the ability He did give us to believe and have faith, instead of letting my little tiny brain try to put a physics equation together to make sense of something that we aren't supposed to make sense of.
It will be hard not having Chevy around, it will be hard to visit family reunions and know Uncle Fred and other elder members of the family have passed away, and it is a bummer that I was not able to be a testimony to my coach who I respected and admired and would do anything for -- especially be that living testament that depression can be beat and so can anything else as long as God is the one we put our trust in.
I said I was going to keep it short but we all know that I do that a lot and it does not happen. I just use this blog to vent, share what is happening in my life and maybe it inspires yours or helps you in some way and maybe it doesn't, and I have no format or rule and regulation to it.
I do hope one day I am able to comprehend the powerful things that are happening in my life so that I can put them on paper and maybe give hope to others while giving the glory to God.
I know that is what those that I have lost all at once here recently would want me to do. Be myself and do my thing. Plus, the loss of people often bring comradery and comradery with people like the ones that "Chevy" brought back together has been the biggest blessing in giving me the opportunity to feel like my whole, true self again.
The beautiful in the crazy. The balance of life that comes from looking at the glass half-full and with the Lord by your side. I wish everyone could see life that way, even if it means they have to learn the hard way like I did. It is worth it.
peace and love
baily
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord IS your life.
This song describes my life pretty dead-on.
