#randomlikealways

This week has been about self-forgiveness so far.  After a weekend with friends and family that could have gone better - but due to my "girl cramps" and my most hated nemesis - my depression - things didn't go as smoothly for me, personally, and I'm carrying a lot of burden and grief for letting my own self-issues affect my loved ones and their vacay. Don't think it was a disaster, we had a great time - I just could have coped with some of my moods better, but I was all jacked up on estrogen and not in the best of spirits - despite knowing that I was and am sooooo blessed to have gone to that concert, stayed at such a fun hotel, and got to hang/lay-out & jam with the people I loved the most.  It was a great weekend, in the grand scheme, but I am just an honest and open book and I'm saying that I added a little extra baggage.  It gets old and frustrating, but it's a process and I'm appreciative of all the prayers I have receive that help me when I'm in a slump.  Trust me it/they have worked... because despite how upset I could be about things... I am a smiling little gal still and I hope I can portray that love and heal any hurt I caused when I lost my temper this weekend.  (I love you all, you know that.)

Aaah, little Grayson is in there ^^^

I got to shop for the future nephew this weekend, too.

And yes... I went psycho. Again.

I have an awesome Lord and I know that He has forgiven me because I have spent some quality and truly moving time with Him lately.  I hate that sometimes my true devotion and good intention... and my spritual growth and spiritual maturity, especially... don't get to show because my depression and bad habits and mood swings creep in and win a battle or two.  But, God has told me in many ways that everything will be ok and I need to just forgive myself and grow from my learning experience.  It is like a broken record, this learning the hard way thing... I think He got the memo that I'm into old vintage records.  I get the hint that my song seems to have a lot of pops and cracks in it... but that's the way some of us are, right? ;)

Anyway, I had a good day yesterday and an even better day today... so things in my mind are in a happy place - but unfortunately, they are also in a very grey place.  I don't know how many people know my entire story (soap opera) but I suffer from depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder amongst some other issues, and I have an intense, high-anxiety and completely ridiculous fear of the month of April.  You see, the first person I thought was 'the love of my life' and the one I was never going to spend a day without (dude, I even considered moving to CLEVELAND, OHIO of all places when post-grad opportunity-talk would arise... that's love if I gave up the rest of the world for there. No offense to y'all Cleveland readers... all love..)... anyway, he broke my heart on March 31 and sent me into this downward spiral of depression, detattachment issues, soul-searching, anxiety, fear, loneliness, self-destruction... need we say more? 

I asked "him" the next day if it was an April Fool's joke...

Hahahahahaha.... not from him.   Just from life. And hold on tight, Bai, the next three years are a bumpy-ass ride....

So here I am in my little grey world these days because I'm freaking out about April being like, literally, right around the corner.  Don't worry... I'm not only holding on tight... I'm considering a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a mouth guard as my April wardrobe because such absolute shitty things happen to me during that month.  Ya know, like fires, car accidents, break-ups, friends' deaths, and unexpected hospital visits.  Won-der-ful.

Buuuuuttttt..... remember how God is so awesome?  - - - He is going to keep me safe and out of harm's way this APRIL so I won't have to rock the clueless rollerblader's look with all those pads and helmets and stuff, ha...  OH. MY. GOODNESS.  Speaking of roller-blading and all the gear, I think the first uber-traumatic experience of my life as a little hellian was when I lost my PERMANENT teeth in a roller-blading accident... and it was in April.  Holy shheeeeeezzzzz..... just, wow.  I'll save that story for another day - I'm going to confirm when it happened with Mom tomorrow morning.

Oh, on the topic of Mom.... the coolest Mom in the world.  She laid out in the sun with Millie and I today and then we went to a super cool dinner at Orlando's burger joint Graffiti Junktion and we had a perfect little "mom and daughter day" and I loved it. I love you Momma!

I am still in the process of editing the ones from the Kenny Chesney & co. concert, so I'll probably post them tomorrow after work! 

So glad "Michabella" was there with me.

Isn't she the cutest? I hope she knows how much I love her.

Hope your week is full of self progression like mine is and that it brings happy, joyful smiles!

Enjoy this verse... it's like, totally a new fav of mine! :)

PSALM 126:4-6

Restore our fortunes, Lord, as streams renew the desert. Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they renturn with joyful harvest.

PEACE & LOVE

B A I L Y

btw

sorry I'm not sorry for being so random

 it's just the way I am

be as you are