It hit me when I was driving down the road and I was really feeling down on myself. I have my ups and downs - and then I have my way ups and way downs. I'm not really sure what this one would rate, but I was in deep thought with myself... no radio, no cell phone conversation, no random pointless stuff that is sometimes typical of me... but the deep stuff was going through my head and I was thinking about baby Grayson.
Grayson Coleman Little.
I was in deep thought, and down on myself, because I was having one of those days where you wonder if you even have a purpose. I mean, life isn't too bad and there's not drastic suffering but it's just monotony and full-time reminders of your failures. I feel like this somedays, even though I always snap out of it and see how blessed and loved I am. But this particular day, I was wondering what I'm meant for - I'm a troublesome daughter, I'm single and can make any guy fall in love with me but can't grasp the act of making them stay or keep their promises, I'm just as much of a bad friend as I am a great one, I have no career, I have no degree, and I lack a lot of self-confidence. I know that those times are just the evilnes of depression getting to me and I always can pray and ask God to help me keep those thoughts away, and what do you know - the Lord brings me the my HAPPY PLACE...
So the deep thought that I was in, was suddenly not so dull and grey when the thoughts led to my precious baby Grayson - the nephew that I am going to swaddle with love and giggle with until I'm too old and senile to even know who he is. I can't wait to be his best buddy, his cool Aunt, for my entire life. I know my sister's life is drastically changing... but her life has always been very linear, smooth, and gliding. Mine is like a random, no correlated mixed timeline of a lifespan - but then wham bam!.... I get to take on the role of AUNT SISSY, too! There ARE great things admist the madness. Anyways, back to my thoughts...
I got to thinking about how one day he is going to be a twenty-something and wonder what his purpose is and maybe, but hopefully not, he might wonder if he even has one. Like I've often wondered. I found relief, comfort, and strength in the self-talk and transistion of my thought proces when I realized I am going to be a guidance couselor that has been there and done that when he gets in trouble. My sister was, like - no joke, the perfect child. I wish sometimes that I would have followed her footsteps more closely, but I always had to do things my way - so my footsteps are right behind hers... just a little different of a dance is my stride. I am just full of joy that Grayson is going to have her as a mother to look up to and be disciplined from - the woman that I know as "Sissy" and who I know's favorite past-time is to tattle on people. I happened to be her closest nutcase since we were besties and Sissy's so I have always kept her with something to talk about. I know she'll be on Grayson's little ass like white on rice - but he'll have his weirdo bohemian Aunt to help him out of stuff.
But since I have lived and learned, I know that I can help teach him lessons. Sometimes role models aren't the perfect models.... sometimes the best role models can be the ones that already did the messing up and falling down and then they meet something, like a nephew, that they love so much they make sure they don't make their same mistakes. They change their ways for little nephews. I can't wait to be a role model to someone who will hopefully look up to me.
I know I mess up, I know I will continue to mess up, and I don't care if anyone else sees it or not - it is only important to me that Grayson Coleman Little will see it - it's not about how or why or the amount of times you fall down, it is ALL about GETTING BACK UP again!
bjj
continue to pray for baby grayson. i love to just close my eyes and imagine God just working with His holy hands on that beautiful being. i can't wait to know this kind of love.
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