A year for the books.

As I look back on this hellacious year that I have frequently dubbed as my 'twilight zone', it is sometimes overwhelming to me to think about everything has happened.  Everything that has chabnged.  This year was a series of new beginnings, but that also meant it was a year of losses.  I'm alone, and for the first time - I love it. 

Last year at this time I was a resident of Room 214 at The Fairfield Inn in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  My best friend Jackie was in a room downstairs.  Our other best friend found herself blessed by the love and helping hands of her ex-boyfriend, whom she got back together with as a result of. 

Now, they've been married for months and have a 3 month old baby girl.

Jackie is engaged and I'm ordering my bridesmaids dres for her wedding. 

This time last year, I was in the beginning stages of seeing life from an entirely different perspective.  I thought I was in love with my best guy friend in college.  He had adored me, admired me, befriended me first and foremost at freshmen orientation, and had held out for me for so long - 5 years... through all the turmoil and pure hell I put him through, and he was the one I called when my house was on fire last April 13th.  He was the one that drove an hour from Birmingham at 10:00 at night to be by my side that evening when I lost everything, when he had to be at work almost 2 hours away at 7am.  He had a constant friendship with my family - even grandparents.  I thought since all that was happening to me - losing everything in the fire and him being the one that was there when it all went down - that it had to mean he was, indeed, my soul-mate.  He brutally informed me otherwise one Sunday night in the middle of July.  The darkest of all valleys began right then and there... life was changing too fast for me to catch up.  I couldn't even keep with the day to day, let alone try to figure out what it all meant.  I'm glad I had God, because I felt like I had nothing else.  I could almost feel myself suffocating but the only thing that kept me going were the last three words he told me the night we broke up... 'stay inspired, Baily.'

I'm known as that girl... the creative, funky, inspirational, zesty for life, kinda chick!  I hated the pale, wrinkled, fatigued, fire victim and broken-hearted fool I had become.  I knew I wouldn't stay in the dumps forever, and I knew I had a life that was far more blessed than distressed... but sometimes when life overwhelms you with the constant pits, it's hard to truly see that until afterward.  But for me, Little Miss High and Low, I wasn't surprised when I found myself handling things in a manic, life is gnarley, lets take big risks type of way.

I drove to Myrtle Beach and fell for a boy that swept me off of my feet.  I admired our match-maker so much that I trusted her when she told me he and his family were amazing.  I have full belief that he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  I had a very meaningful adventure with him, and I will forever be grateful for his presence in my life and wish it didn't go away the way it did.  But, I should have listened more carefully to the other part of the contradictions I'd been told about his family.  For some reason, despite my effort to be the Southern guest, lady, and generous human that I like to think that I am and have otherwise never been told that I wasn't, they didn't accept me and love me the way that he did.  I know that he knows it, too, because it was the only reason for any complication during that blissful period.  So my heart was crushed by rejection and hope was lost for a short time.  But I never cried over this beautiful person in my life.  I guess because by that point, I was at home. I was strengthened, I was anew.

This year brought me home.  The people involved in this year, brought me home.  I finally brought myself home.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful for this grueling and turbulent year, for the South Carolina sunrises and the dark lonely nights at The Fairfield Inn, for beauty and the beast, for unwritten stories and hopeful happy-endings, and for the lessons that I learned.  I'm thankful for God's grace.  I'm amazed at the power of prayer.  I'm stronger, wiser, and more happy with myself than I ever have been.  I'm a year older, but feel younger and more free in spirit than ever. 

I'm joyful - and that is something that I was not a year ago. I'm home, and that is something I definitely was not a year ago.  I love myself, and I hated myself a year ago.  I'm better than I was a year ago.

I can finally celebrate this year, not feel the pain of it.  I love the Bob Marley quote, "Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet."  I felt the rain, but now I've got sunshine.

But most of all, I've got love for myself - and I'm pretty sure that's the key to happiness... if it's not, I'll fill you in on a little secret - it sure as hell unlocks the door anyways.

peace and love

baily