The other day I got to thinking, do other people notice this behavior of mine? I wonder if it is a barrier in some of my relationships with friends, family, and love interests. On the other hand, I wonder if it is something that can be seen as admirable. I obviously don't know the answer to this question. All I know for sure is, I am glad that I am able to pinpoint the behaviors I portray because, in my opinion, it is the only way I can move forward in my quest for self-discovery. Most importantly, I must look at the pro's and con's of my personality as a whole. The problem here is, looking at something holistically is my inner conflict in the first place.
I have always remembered that there is a difference between confidence and being conceited. In my younger years, coming across people who were conceited and self-indulgent seemed to happen more often than now. I can assume the reason behind this is the fact that most people have been knocked on their asses (for lack of better words) a few good times. In these cases, most people seem to rely on confidence to get back on their two feet and after a few good stumbles the conceit eventually goes away. Unfortunately, confidence can go away when people stumble as well. This, in fact, is why I am grateful for the confidence I still have because let's be honest - I've hit rock bottom a time or two. Admitting that I struggle when it comes to looking at 'the big picture', I can truthfully say that the 'little things' are usually the main reason behind my comebacks. In my life, failure could be more dominate if it were not for the many small gestures from friends, or the notes of encouragement I receive in the mail from my mother, or a bouquet of flowers sent from someone at home. The confidence that comes from random acts of kindness is exactly the kind of confidence that empowers success and diminishes failure. The 'little things' are without a doubt an important part in creating the big picture.
In my life there are so many 'little things' that I can recall. When my sister and I open presents to one another on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas. Seeing a young child place a dollar bill in the offering plate on Sunday morning. The feel of a new pair of socks. A dance with Daddy. The smell of my house in Florida. Sunflowers and Daisies. Mom's Key lime pie. The way my brother-in-law looks at my sister. The inside jokes only shared with my best friend and when a boy opens the car door. The little things that are sometimes over-looked in the hustle and bustle of every day life. Sometimes, slowing down and giving a thankful nod to the things that get me through each day is exactly the relief I need. Even more so when I am fighting through a troublesome phase in my life; those times are when I need the 'little things' more than anything in the world and I must say that I am fortunate that the random acts show themselves and carry me through.
Having a father who was diagnosed with cancer was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Sitting in the chair next to him during his chemotherapy treatments, conversations about life, and his appreciation when I would attempt to make him a smoothie or juice drink, were what got me through the toughest of days. Giving away my sister to be married was emotional but a monogrammed handkerchief she wove in to the stem of my bouquet reminded me she was only changing her name, not changing all together. The simple gesture was a reality that she would always care about me and look after me. Chicken nugget Happy Meals with my grandmother on Fridays. The Hershey kisses that are always at my bedside when I spend the night with Nana and Papaw. My favorite beer in the refrigerator when I visit my Aunt and Uncle. The way 'Miss Bai' sounds coming from the excitement of the children I nanny. Walking through Christmas lights and dying eggs at Easter.
I swear I could write a book by just listing the little things that give me hope, help me keep the faith, and reassure me that I am loved. It's good for the heart, even when broken or jaded. It's an easy way to put an honest smile on your face. Giving recognition to the 'little things' helps you remember that the big picture isn't so bad after all... no matter where you are in life. Nonetheless, it is a way to rebuild your confidence and give you something to be grateful for - and let's not kid ourselves, we all need that once in a while.
-bjj
the 'other' sister
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